MILF HUNTRESS

We are God at war within ourselves.  Of this I am sure.  We are God.

Struggling between existence and non existence. 

Lightness and darkness. 

Everythingness and nothingness.  

I am, we are.  I am, we are.  I am we are. 

Nothing. 

This is an eternal war.

Irreconcilable loneliness. 

Until morning.

I am forced to eat crow all the time because personally I don’t like people much.  I generally would prefer a set of cliffs to a group of people.  Can’t remember if I was like this before working with the public or after.  An empty gym to me is like a landscape.  It has shape, form, density.  The only sound being the clang of weights, my own heavy breathing.  When I work out alone I become God in my garden.  Sometimes I think God should have kept things to one.  Instead of a Universe he could have just created mirrors.  Worked on his physique for all eternity.  But I suppose he would need an audience to display his majesty.  Yes, this may be the one bone I have to pick with God.  Couldn’t you see that you were good enough alone?

To respect the otherness of a person is a godly form of love.  To recognize the value of a life form, simply because it exists, not because it serves you, is like you, builds your ego, or meets any of your social needs; this is humanity.  I suppose I test the waters some.  "Oh I see, you will like me if I am like you.  You will accept me if I don’t rock your status quo."  That form of love is not Christlike.  It is egocentrically motivated and based on fear.  To see something/someone and to bless them, no matter how unique that entity/individual is to you, simply because they have life and we are one; this is love.

Man judges by the outer appearance but God sees the heart.  There is alot in the Bible that I like and that I agree with.  I do believe the Bible has been tampered with.  Thus I feel free to read the good book discriminately with the brain I was blessed to be born with, and somehow managed  to keep intact.  I am not a “lookism” person.  I judge people based upon strength of character, open mindedness, sense of humor, compassion.  I do admire intelligence, but it is not so desirable as modesty.  One can feel very content with themselves and still have a modest character.  I am very proud of myself, very at peace with who I am.  But this is because I know my value stems from an eternal God and is not reliant on myself alone.  People who only talk about themselves annoy the hell out of me.  So let’s hear about you.  What’s up?

Went straight from the gym today to my tattoo appointment.  I will be doing this 3 days this week and hopefully we will be done!  The pain wasn’t half bad.  I do NOT have a high pain tolerance, but I DO understand the power of breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out.  Listening to The Doors helped.  So far, so good!  Won’t be able to tell exactly until tomorrow when the color is done.  The only problem I now have is……no PM workout.  I have to let my body heal the wound of my tattoo.  The artist is GREAT, having not only 15 years of tattoo experience, but 20+ years of commercial art experience beforehand.  I gave him my ideas, and then I sat back, or rather forward, and trusted in the process.  This is the same thing I do with God.

I suddenly have this beautiful yearning, this unquenchable hunger, not for food, but for God.  Yes God gave me a GRACE card.  I use it fully.  There is never a limit on the amount of holes that can be punched.  Mmmmmmmmmmmmmm,…GOD.  I will still be a boot wearing, sissy boy making, cock stomper.  But I love my God.  My God is an AWESOME God. 

So I am beginning to figure things out about myself.  This is the most important part of our earthly journey.  If I were here to figure out your asses I would have been born as you.  I can’t stand doing anything for anybody.  Unless this is something that wells from the inside, from the goodness of my own heart.  I do have a good heart.  If I like you, and sincerely sense you have a need that can’t otherwise be met, I will do the world for you.  In general, I despise weakness. In particular, weak mindedness, but I know that we all have our moments.  And when we feel weak, dont we want others to be gracious around us, and not dominant and destroying?  Sometimes when you help others though you feed their weakness, which elevates noone.  Everyone comes out feeling loser.  Today I don’t want to be a bodybuilder.  I want to be mom first, bodybuilder last.  Don’t think there are not tremendous sacrifices involved in this lifestyle.  When you choose one thing, you turn down another.  Some days I just want to go back to being fat and happy self. Someone who cares less about bodies and more about spirit.  A person can have a magnificent appearance and an ugly, ugly, heart.  Heaven forbid I am ever one of these people.  But I still really don’t like people much.  So maybe I already am. When I look at mankind I see neediness.  I see neediness as ugliness.  Tired of division I am ready for oneness.  Ready for God to shrink us all back up inside himself and be happy and content being alone for a change.

You know I leave for NYC in less than 4 weeks and I had a quart of (low sugar) ice-cream over the weekend?!?  IT IS SLAP MYSELF AWAKE TIME!  This is important to me and I PLAN TO SUCCEED.  Sure I would like a whole lot of things before my shoot that likely will not happen.  Many things that involve moolah.  I cannot control certain things.  I CAN CONTROL what I eat, and what I put into my workouts DAILY.  Threw back on the weighted vest last night.  This will be for my nightly PM cardio, which is now NON-NEGOTIABLE.  Working around tennis schedules (for middle daughter), my work schedule, and my youngest’s school schedule………I refuse to leave her home alone……NONE OF THIS IS EASY.  My husband works VERY LONG HOURS (God bless his soul…..we think/hope this will be changing soon).  We are all just kind of hanging in there holding our breath…..doing our own thing…..and trying not to lose one another in the process.  Well, all of us except my oldest of course.  She is attending frat parties and from what I hear taken up Salsa?  I love her……..and from the time they are babies, this is what we want for them.  We want them to live the GOOD LIFE.  Problem is, most of us stop living the good life………in order to provide it for them.  Keep loving your kids, but love YOURSELF too.  I promise you can find balance if you try. What works for me is trusting in a BENEVOLENT UNIVERSE.  I believe that I am worthy of GREAT THINGS, GOOD TIMES, WONDERFUL FRIENDSHIPS & FABULOUS EXPERIENCES.  You have to trust that the man (or lady) upstairs, or in your heart……….is really there for you.  That they really care.  Then do what you have to do.  Me? Right now I have to diet and wear 40 lb vests.  Different paths, same destination.

I can’t believe all the fear mongering going on concerning President Obama. Let a man be known by his words.  After that ridiculous excuse, the mockery of a president, George Bush, I am frankly relieved to have a new puppet who is at least well spoken.  George Bush made the United States into an idiot nation.  There never has been such a profusion of attempted mind control and propoganda since Hitler.  Were they really trying to see just how stupid we really were?  How did America put up with such a president?  Now we at last have a president full of grace, charm, intelligence.  You can sense strength and sincerity both in his face and in his voice.  I am not one to be easily charmed.  Believe me.  I trust little and think much.  But the right wing conservative Christian voice right now.  It terrifies me.  What terrifies me more………..is I used to think just like them.  In God We Trust. 

Projectile vomiting is no way to live one’s life, yet it is the most excitement I have had all weekend. Yes, ol Beelzebub, the Prince of All Demons has been running amuck.  He pulled my coworker’s back, made me frightfully, deathly ill, and then, if that were not enough, provoked a vicious thunderstorm from clear blue skies this morning.  All to keep me and my coworker from attending Universalist Church together.  Doesn’t he know this church holds no creeds for Christ’s sake?  GO and pick on the Baptists. Or something.