MILF HUNTRESS

I love fat muscle girls.  Thank f-cking God because I am one.  (God is not petty enough to worry about profanity so don’t you be.)  166!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Jeepers creepers!  This means I’ve put on a steady 4 lbs per week in the month I’ve been back.  This means I’ve been definitely trying to chase off ol Dan Ray, and now I’ll tell you why. 

Psycho-Cybernetics states that our minds are ‘goal seeking servo-mechanisms’.  Whatever our underlying true belief states about ourself, our unconscious mind will bring about to be true, much like a missile headed on course. IF I were to see myself as a girl that fitness photographers come to, a girl that is worthy of the attention of photographers in the fitness industry, then my servile mechanism would continue on course as engaged.  BUT if my UNCONSCIOUS mind sees rather a fat pre-adolescent, a gawky teenager, or an obese mother, my unconscious mind might possibly FREAK, say WTF, and go running 180 in the opposite direction.  What can I do to show the world who I really am?  What can I do to show the world I am a fat girl?  A homely chick?

This is what my unconscious has been up to.  This is what I have been doing.  I am aware of this.  However, CONSCIOUS AWARENESS CHANGES NOTHING UNLESS I CAN GO INSIDE AND CHANGE THE UNDERLYING INNER PROGRAMMING.

Yes a work in progress.

Still wish I could take a picture!

I do lovvvve a fat muscle chick.

Feeling about my regular self and ready to kick some ass at the gym tomorrow.  Worked past gym closing today so that wasn’t an option.  Had my nails filled on break which took the whole hour.  The vietnamese girl was very funny about my muscles.  Staring, pointing, speaking very loudly what to me was gibberish, not a spit of English.So another girl translated.  “She wants to know you work out?”  “She wants to know you can train her?”  “She wants to know what you do…..how long you lift…..how you eat.”  Finally the father/uncle said, “She wants to know how to make boobs size like yours”.  We all laughed and blushed and moved on.  Also talked with an overweight woman there about my weight loss,.  She is maybe close to the size I once was.  It feels good to pass along truth to people.  I do know the ins and outs to all this.  It starts with the mind.  It’s what I tell everyone.  I don’t really like the pictures I took with Moss.  His style is to leave things exactly as the camera captured them.  My style is to crop the bad, tweak the color, enhance the intensity.  With Moss, you see the true woman.  Not so sure I wanted you to see all that. 

I woke up this morning about ready to cancel the Dan Ray photo shoot.  I have been on a pretty steady (and happy) binge since NYC and put on about 10 lbs.  The thing is, I like my body thicker, fuller, more filled out.  So no worries on the home front.  But Dan is looking for someone who personifies fitness, and from his emails, I think he likes girls more right at precomp style.  I was reading an article by Bill Dobbins the night before, and he said something that I really agreed with.  It was about the subjectivity of the judges.  So basically his advice was, don’t worry about what the judges say they want.  When they see excellence, they will recognize it.  So I have been thinking things over, balancing my scales so to speak, and I really want this.  I mean, isn’t this what I have been kindof heading for all along?  Two of the most well respected photographers in the fitness industry came to me, liked what they saw, and requested to photograph me.  Instead of burying my face in the sand, I am to rise up to this challenge.  I am not doing this for them,….(this is a biggie for me),….I am doing it for me.  I will show-me what I’m made of.  Pretty sure it’s the good stuff.

We found out it is cancer.  Don’t know if it is in one location only yet or spread.  Hoping for the best.  But this is a woman who does not go to doctors period, and it must have taken an awful scare to send her to one.  I am from the same family, cut from the same cloth.  Avoid doctors like bearers of the plague.  There is wisdom in this to a point.  But when you are having symptoms you cannot just ignore and pretend go away.  A very close friend’s grandmother died of breast cancer.  She knew (or thought) she had it for years.  Didn’t go to the doctor until long after her chest had turned black and began to rot off.  I guess sometimes we make these choices out of fear, sometimes because we prefer it to the other option….the Dr. office.  Number one place of ‘i have no control’.  First you wait.  Then they send you to a little room where you wait again.  Until you finally decide they forgot about you.  I have been ignoring a small, oftimes painful lump in my left breast for over a year and a half.  Haven’t been for a pap smear in over 3 years.  My paps always turn up abnormal.  But abnormal as in ‘let’s watch this a little more closely’.   Obviously I have not.  Tremendous self love shows up in small ways not just large.  I am fully aware that wearing my seat belt is a sign of self love.  Also that putting healthy in equals healthy out.  Wouldn’t dream at this point of ever missing a workout.  I wash my hands, brush my teeth, avoid std’s.  Yet I ignore breast lumps, and sometimes cervical pain.  Yes, cut from the same cloth.  Margie is a harbinger of good fortune.  This blog is dedicated to her strength of spirit, her tenacity, and her will and desire to live.  I will watch her grow old.

Maybe my favorite shooting scene was the 10-15 minute video we made of me oiling myself up and flexing.  I mean, seriously, you want me to do this?  What a dream come true.  Oil, flex, mirror.  Mirror, oil, flex.  Working out, especially when alone, gives me so much mirror time that it is almost ridiculous.  I’m checking for progress baby!  Ok I may not be checking for progress.  After 5 years you pretty much have what you’ve got.  But I am looking,..and in general I am liking what I see.  Do I wear lots and lots of clothing at my gym?  I tend to wear as little as possible.  I used to worry about “eh she’s showing off” or “eh she wants people to look at her”.  Actually my gym is usually empty and I show off for noone but myself.  The more people that leave, the more clothes that come off.  Anytime I need permission to lift a little fiercer, to show a little more skin, I look to the magazines.  This isn’t only about building the best possible body, it’s about displaying it.   Bodybuilding is about taking body shame (something which is taught) and exchanging it for body pride (that is inherent).  This of course extends to the spirit.  Then you have a person filled with healthy pride which radiates.  We were made to feel this way.

My Aunt Margie, one of the most pivotal influences of my life, is in the hospital.  So far she has received at least 5 blood transfusions, and they did a biopsy of her cervix for cancer.  Aunt Margie is also 365 + lbs.  How does a person get to be 365+ lbs? As a woman once headed down that track, let’s just say, it’s not only from eating and eating.  Obesity stems from putting yourself last.  It begins with suppression of something great.  Maybe anger, perhaps pain, many times fear.  If you don’t allow yourself to express these feelings you have to stifle them.  In fact, stuff them.  Honesty about how you are feeling is the start to a healthy lifestyle.  So many overweight people are in fact, concealing a hurricane.  Here is to releasing the storm.  Let it out.  Let that baby roar.

Well what a trip, and what a life experience, and it all just seems so surreal.  Believe me, I know where I’ve come from, and I know who I am….and I am going to just have to go right ahead and say, I AM QUITE PROUD OF ME.  I have been looking at these women, these sexy, fit, figure Amazons for years now.  To think that I could have gone from that obese dead eyed woman, to a woman on the same web pages as Melissa Detwiller, Amber Steel, Colette Nelson, Davana Medina, Dinah-Al-Sabah…..I could go on and on. I am flabber-gasted, and living in another reality.  The man who stood behind the lens to photograph these fabulous ladies, these icons of modern day fitness, chose to photograph me.  And took very good care of me in doing so.  Thank you Brian Moss.

Well my back tattoo is done!  And I am a chunky little cow.  I swear, I have ate more and exercised less in this month before my photo shoot than I have in years.  Pressure wigs me out!  And it is my own little internal pressure cooker.  Mr Moss has never said, “I want you to come in looking like this” or, “I want you coming in looking like that”.  It’s sort of a Wizard of Oz sort-of deal.  Belief, faith, daring, adventure.  The witch is me, Dorothy is me, even the Wizard is me.  So tomorrow, (after 6 packets of oatmeal today), I go for my KC Photo Shoot.  I am excited, because this guy seems real neat.  I have the loft at my disposal, I have Rachel’s wardrobe at my disposal, I have an excellent photographer.  I also have a pudgy belly & zero self confidence.  Wait,.. I have confidence.  “It was there all along.”

Today is a one day lemon juice fast to cleanse my system and renew my senses.  Taking one more day off the gym before I go back to hitting things double, triple hard.  In 18 days I will be there.  Only 4 days til my shoot with a local photographer.  Must stick with my plans……….Must self believe my way there.

I have a personal problem, and I know it is a personal problem, and I am trying to find ways to work around it.  I hate old men!  And there are some really, really, nice old men in the world.  But this doesn’t keep me from hating them!  I think it is the lack of virility, the slow movement, the things once past, and now forever gone.  And I know I kick my own self in the chins when I speak of this, because I am heading there myself.  Frankly, it wouldn’t bother me so much if I didn’t see my own old train a’comin. 

I’ve decided that because I hate old men, I HAVE to find a different time to work out!  I generally drop the kids off at school before 8 am and either go straight in or sit in the park and journal first.  This gives the old timers some time to get their crap done and get out.  But still generally 2/3 of my workout is spent with the energy and vibe of oldness all around me………..and this totally gets inside my head. 

As much as my spirit is non-conformist, my humanity is total conformist.  So I get this everlasting f-cking struggle of……..try not to lift so heavy……you mustn’t f-cking lift so heavy.  I mean, I don’t want to show the old guys up…which is exactly what I am doing pounding 100 lb weights while they totter around.  And I feel like it isn’t decent.  Like I’m too brutal, like I must try to lift pretty…or be gentle…..be a mother f-cking gym butterfly.  I AM NOT A PRETTY GENTLE LIFTER.  So anyway,…..my kids are going to be really, really, really, pissed off at me!  But I am sending their asses to school on the bus.  Then I am going to go into town and lift around noon when the old train has left the station.