MILF HUNTRESS

I love fat muscle girls.  Thank f-cking God because I am one.  (God is not petty enough to worry about profanity so don’t you be.)  166!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Jeepers creepers!  This means I’ve put on a steady 4 lbs per week in the month I’ve been back.  This means I’ve been definitely trying to chase off ol Dan Ray, and now I’ll tell you why. 

Psycho-Cybernetics states that our minds are ‘goal seeking servo-mechanisms’.  Whatever our underlying true belief states about ourself, our unconscious mind will bring about to be true, much like a missile headed on course. IF I were to see myself as a girl that fitness photographers come to, a girl that is worthy of the attention of photographers in the fitness industry, then my servile mechanism would continue on course as engaged.  BUT if my UNCONSCIOUS mind sees rather a fat pre-adolescent, a gawky teenager, or an obese mother, my unconscious mind might possibly FREAK, say WTF, and go running 180 in the opposite direction.  What can I do to show the world who I really am?  What can I do to show the world I am a fat girl?  A homely chick?

This is what my unconscious has been up to.  This is what I have been doing.  I am aware of this.  However, CONSCIOUS AWARENESS CHANGES NOTHING UNLESS I CAN GO INSIDE AND CHANGE THE UNDERLYING INNER PROGRAMMING.

Yes a work in progress.

Still wish I could take a picture!

I do lovvvve a fat muscle chick.

‘i find it funny that as many times as i have left comments for u…..u have never responded back….maybe its just me but someone takes a few minutes to say a few nice words to u and u cant return the favor at all…thats jus rude…or then agen maybe u dont like me and if thats the case then i cant make u like me….im on bodyspace too’

Received this comment today.  This has actually been on my mind a little bit.  I receive a lot of nice comments, a boat load of PM.’S.  I don’t respond to perhaps 90% of these.  I spend approximately an hour and a half on the internet daily.  And not just on Bodyspace.  I come on here to self express, keep a daily tab of how I am doing, have a record of my daily flows and carrying ons.  It’s not about popularity, or for the most part, forming genuine friendships.

There are loads and loads of amazing, inspiring, people on here.  To be friends with each and every one of them would leave no time for the people in my ‘real’ life.  If I inspire you, I think that’s great.  You inspire me too!  Yet when I leave a comment for someone it is never with an expectation of getting something back in return.  I know you all have real lives…I have mine too.

Highly unmotivated these days.  Still borderline fatiguish, but at this point I think it is more food related than overtrained.  I can’t seem to fill myself properly.  I like to be good and full and I’ll do whatever it takes to get me there.  The only reason I am not a blimpola is the exercise.  Still just 15 minutes cardio, enough to get some blood pumping. And I’ve promised myself an hour of weights daily.  I try to go hard and heavy, struggling to remain inspired.  It’s become a bit repetitive.  We go through highs and lows.  When you go through a low remember the cycle.  Like the wheel of fortune card teaches us, the wise thing to do is be the hub. 

I think my biggest problem still is lack of confidence.  It is a thin line between confidence and egotism.  I can’t stand egotistical bastards, so I walk that tightrope gently.  It is good to know one’s strengths and one’s weaknesses.  Good to see oneself in the best possible, most optimistic light, and yet be humble enough to recognize and accept one’s true weaknesses and obvious flaws.  (We all have them.)  I find most people love themselves both far too much and never enough.  Quiet confidence never goes out of style.

I have a daughter that puts so much pressure on herself.  I didn’t raise her to be this way, but this is her life force, not mine.  We had about a 40 minute discussion on the ride home from the inlaws about her future.  The best advice I can give people, myself and my kids included, is DO WHAT YOU LOVE.  All the rest will eventually work out.  If the persons in your immediate life don’t support what you love, find people who do. Something I am immensely proud of my kids for is they are not afraid to try new things.  This displays courage.  I love sex and bodybuilding.  I also love God, children, and at times people.  I enjoy reading, writing, being in nature, things I can do within the solitude of my own mind.  I don’t need accolades, trophies, to do the things that I do.  I need my own self affirmation.  Happiness comes from within.  Don’t let the television convince you otherwise. 

This is the first day I have looked forward to training for maybe three weeks.  I am excited about going at a nice quiet time so I can get my deadlift on.   It has taken me 5 years to get past a certain level of inhibition at my gym. For years I wouldn’t perform various exercises.  This is the first year I haven’t tied a sweatjacket around my waist.  Yet still I am inhibited.  I know I’m a freak.  (PROUD FREAK.)  I just don’t like to be another person’s freakshow.  There is something very personal about training hard.

We all have things that bind us.  Addictions, fears, family, pain, (shame), society.  If you look down however the chains are always in your own hands.  Do what you have to do.

The anti social side of me is sometimes in conflict with the people loving side of me.  Seems as with everything else, I have both sides. I am allowed this.  People who are anti social have at one time or another faced rejection.  So they turn inward.  People who love others sense oneness with humanity and the common lot of us all.  A very close and special friend of mine has trouble finding a girlfriend.  He’s a babe.  Blue eyes, blonde hair, jean splitting quads of Odin, hyper-intelligent, bigggggggggg ol bubble butt.  Really beautiful inside and out.  No takers.  He wants to know why, and I tell him the honest truth.  It’s the big ol gigantic cock block he puts out.  It is the cosmic defense shield that he guards his ego and super (special) sensitive parts with.  Why so sensitive?  He was teased ruthlessly at a vulnerable age.  It all comes down to self image.  Often when the outer changes it takes a good long while for the inside to catch up.  Sometimes it never does.  Once again, “as a man thinketh so he is”.  For those of you who can relate, “Psycho-Cybernetics”, by Maxwell Maltz, may be a good first step to finding your real self back.

I am forced to eat crow all the time because personally I don’t like people much.  I generally would prefer a set of cliffs to a group of people.  Can’t remember if I was like this before working with the public or after.  An empty gym to me is like a landscape.  It has shape, form, density.  The only sound being the clang of weights, my own heavy breathing.  When I work out alone I become God in my garden.  Sometimes I think God should have kept things to one.  Instead of a Universe he could have just created mirrors.  Worked on his physique for all eternity.  But I suppose he would need an audience to display his majesty.  Yes, this may be the one bone I have to pick with God.  Couldn’t you see that you were good enough alone?

I have about 7 male friends that I speak with on a regular basis.  Interestingly enough, 4 of the 7 were seduced by older women when they were minors.   (A bit disproportionate don’t you think?)  When they talk of it, it is always with fond memories, a sense of reverence or even excitement.  Call me naive, but I never really knew that this sh-t went down except in movies.  For one it was the teacher, two of them it was best friend’s mom, and another it was the orthodontist assistant!  You know that first sexual experience marks a person for life (so they say), so I search my friends out for scarring.  “It was the best thing that ever happened to me.”  “Fun!”  “I had the time of my life.”  “I still think of her now.”  All these men are successful, great sense of humor, emotionally stable, in fulfilling relationships, friends with me.  Ah.  There’s the catch.  All these men forever seek out dirty women.