MILF HUNTRESS

Good.  Now stay there.  Or otherwise bust out of that mental prison cell and make some progress.

“We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same.”  ~Carlos Castaneda

Stole this off someone else’s page today.  Liked it so much I made it my Facebook status.  Got to actually thinking about it and realized, “What f-cking balderdash!” 

One of the most untrue statements of all time.

It’s EASY to be miserable.  You lay around and wallow in it.  Very much something else to be strong. Entirely something different to be happy.  Strong is something you choose.  Happiness is something which we strive for.

It’s not easy doing what I do.

But I am strong. 

And I am happy.

So I went out today and got a lousy short haircut.  Quite possibly contending for the top 3 bad haircuts of my lifetime.  I have never looked more dyke-like in my life!  Had to go out and buy a short dress afterward simply to alter the effect.  Thing is I am not a dyke.  I can’t even watch porn if there is a girl in it.  It is boy parts only for Miss Maddi.  Still a gay man trapped in a woman’s body, (or so my porn preference might reflect).  Told a male friend this and he said, “I don’t know whether that’s a turn on….or not!”  I love androgyny.

The reason I live where I do is because it is a GREAT place to raise a kid.  Was talking to daughter about school yesterday and she said there is no bullying (as far as her mind can see).  “Everyone is pretty much equal,” she said.  “Well there are a few weird kids,” she added.  (I love weird kids.)  Then she went on to make a pretty insightful observation for a 10 year old child.  “The weird kids are either really super smart or…” (here she trailed off).  “Or really not so”, I finished.  Yes to be different is generally a sign of one of two things.  People spend so much of their life energy attempting to appear ‘normal’.  But when it comes down to it, normal is merely a sign of ordinary.

I am feeling the need to listen to my spirit more.  This means I may have to cut out meat altogether.  I was a vegetarian for 16 years solid, as well as an additional 7 year stretch during childhood.  Only giving in to being a carnivore for the purpose of building muscle.  So I have gone against my ethics.  We live our best, when we live ethically, in a way that makes sense to us.  So I may have to rethink this whole thing.  An important issue being I have put on more muscle in the last 22 months (eating meat) than I ever have before.  Maybe this is also muscle maturity.  Went to the gym and stretched yesterday.  Can’t call it Yoga, because I don’t know Yoga, but I am trying to learn.  Still it felt good to stretch that muscle out.  I most definitely am not limber at this point.  All things come with practice, so I look forward to increased flexibility.  Took my kid to see “Where The Wild Things Are” last night.  An interesting show purely from the psychological angle.  Kind of about a boy and his Id.  Afterwards, took daughter to buy a sweater at Target.  The look of gratitude on her face when I brought it up…..it almost brings a tear to my eye.  Ok, it does bring a tear to my eye.  My daughter is not spoiled.  In fact, she is the opposite of spoiled.  We have lived in borderline poverty her entire life.  My husband makes decent money, but we are house poor.  For some reason we have decided to remain in this situation.  I don’t know…waiting for things to improve.  But without a solid plan for their improvement.  I want to take my kids places.  I want to give them a better life.  (Especially my youngest.)  This is all starting to seem more important to me again than building muscle.  Still I must keep things in balance.  When it comes down to the very end, I am very tenacious about my body, most particularly my muscle, because it is the one thing in my life I have (yet) to have claimed for myself, by myself.

I love fat muscle girls.  Thank f-cking God because I am one.  (God is not petty enough to worry about profanity so don’t you be.)  166!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Jeepers creepers!  This means I’ve put on a steady 4 lbs per week in the month I’ve been back.  This means I’ve been definitely trying to chase off ol Dan Ray, and now I’ll tell you why. 

Psycho-Cybernetics states that our minds are ‘goal seeking servo-mechanisms’.  Whatever our underlying true belief states about ourself, our unconscious mind will bring about to be true, much like a missile headed on course. IF I were to see myself as a girl that fitness photographers come to, a girl that is worthy of the attention of photographers in the fitness industry, then my servile mechanism would continue on course as engaged.  BUT if my UNCONSCIOUS mind sees rather a fat pre-adolescent, a gawky teenager, or an obese mother, my unconscious mind might possibly FREAK, say WTF, and go running 180 in the opposite direction.  What can I do to show the world who I really am?  What can I do to show the world I am a fat girl?  A homely chick?

This is what my unconscious has been up to.  This is what I have been doing.  I am aware of this.  However, CONSCIOUS AWARENESS CHANGES NOTHING UNLESS I CAN GO INSIDE AND CHANGE THE UNDERLYING INNER PROGRAMMING.

Yes a work in progress.

Still wish I could take a picture!

I do lovvvve a fat muscle chick.

‘i find it funny that as many times as i have left comments for u…..u have never responded back….maybe its just me but someone takes a few minutes to say a few nice words to u and u cant return the favor at all…thats jus rude…or then agen maybe u dont like me and if thats the case then i cant make u like me….im on bodyspace too’

Received this comment today.  This has actually been on my mind a little bit.  I receive a lot of nice comments, a boat load of PM.’S.  I don’t respond to perhaps 90% of these.  I spend approximately an hour and a half on the internet daily.  And not just on Bodyspace.  I come on here to self express, keep a daily tab of how I am doing, have a record of my daily flows and carrying ons.  It’s not about popularity, or for the most part, forming genuine friendships.

There are loads and loads of amazing, inspiring, people on here.  To be friends with each and every one of them would leave no time for the people in my ‘real’ life.  If I inspire you, I think that’s great.  You inspire me too!  Yet when I leave a comment for someone it is never with an expectation of getting something back in return.  I know you all have real lives…I have mine too.

Highly unmotivated these days.  Still borderline fatiguish, but at this point I think it is more food related than overtrained.  I can’t seem to fill myself properly.  I like to be good and full and I’ll do whatever it takes to get me there.  The only reason I am not a blimpola is the exercise.  Still just 15 minutes cardio, enough to get some blood pumping. And I’ve promised myself an hour of weights daily.  I try to go hard and heavy, struggling to remain inspired.  It’s become a bit repetitive.  We go through highs and lows.  When you go through a low remember the cycle.  Like the wheel of fortune card teaches us, the wise thing to do is be the hub. 

I think my biggest problem still is lack of confidence.  It is a thin line between confidence and egotism.  I can’t stand egotistical bastards, so I walk that tightrope gently.  It is good to know one’s strengths and one’s weaknesses.  Good to see oneself in the best possible, most optimistic light, and yet be humble enough to recognize and accept one’s true weaknesses and obvious flaws.  (We all have them.)  I find most people love themselves both far too much and never enough.  Quiet confidence never goes out of style.

I have a daughter that puts so much pressure on herself.  I didn’t raise her to be this way, but this is her life force, not mine.  We had about a 40 minute discussion on the ride home from the inlaws about her future.  The best advice I can give people, myself and my kids included, is DO WHAT YOU LOVE.  All the rest will eventually work out.  If the persons in your immediate life don’t support what you love, find people who do. Something I am immensely proud of my kids for is they are not afraid to try new things.  This displays courage.  I love sex and bodybuilding.  I also love God, children, and at times people.  I enjoy reading, writing, being in nature, things I can do within the solitude of my own mind.  I don’t need accolades, trophies, to do the things that I do.  I need my own self affirmation.  Happiness comes from within.  Don’t let the television convince you otherwise.