MILF HUNTRESS

Cami’s comment on my last blog is why, in a nutshell, I do this.  Ok.  I also adore the attention.  Why do I write about my sex you might sometimes wonder?  Well because sex exists.  It is a life affirming force that is not to be buried or denied. 

Speaking of buried, the real reason I got up was to share my funeral plans with you.  I had a nice 2 hour bout of insomnia, which was ample and plenty time.  While I have no actual plans of going anywhere, life, um death, happens.  I always thought I would prefer to die young and tragically.  That way one is always remembered and mourned.  Sorry to confess I will probably die old and ugly as old Bette Davis.  However here are my plans.  As my family IS reading, I expect one of you all to follow through.

1.)  Cheapest casket possible.  Don’t let them bastards psychologically rape you in mourning.  (I know it will be a sad, sad, day.)

2.)  I want a party.  Rent the town hall, buy a DJ, feed my guests.

3.)  Closed casket of course.  I do mean this.  If you really need to kiss a corpse you are just a sick individual and I can’t help you.  However I will come back, hunt you down, and haunt your ass.  Print out some nice photos of me.  Frame them and put them on top of the coffin.

4.)  In leiu of flowers, set up a “Schaefer Education Fund” for my daughters.  Of course my husband will eventually spend the money on bills, but shhhh, who’s really telling?

5.)  I don’t care what food you serve, but make sure there are plenty of cashews and almonds.  I owe it to you all as those are the nuts I pick out of everyone’s  party platters by the handful.

6.)  DJ is to play the following among his selection;

Brick House, Super Freak, Addicted To Love, Ooh Baby Baby It’s A Wild World, (this one’s a real tear jerker), Shook Me, Shake That Ass For Me, Hysteria CD by Def Leppard, Ice Ice Baby, Beastie Boys, Muse, Collective Soul, Hank III (country style), for the people who stay late, (Jenny & TJ), you can throw in a little Slipknot and more of the hardcore stuff.  Brother Shaun and my girls know what I like.

7.)  There is to be a tv set up discreetly in one corner looping the DVD “Pumping Iron”.

8.)  Cash bar.  FREE tequila shots.

9.)  I want everyone wondering and gossiping as to where my soul is.  “Well, I mean she said THIS.  Maybe she is in HEAVEN.  But, well then, on the other hand, she did THIS.  Maybe the poor bitch wound up in HELL.  (Even in death a little controversy leads to instant popularity.)

And on my tombstone it will say,

“Lived Big Or Died Trying”

Yes, I just stole your line. 

Today I woke up with an agenda.  I will make absolutely no human contact outside of my family.  And them, only because I have to.  Began the day with 3 pieces of leftover cake and one third carton of icecream.  With my daughters’ permission, I finished that bad bitch off.  Dropped the girls off at school and decided to skip the geriatric patrol at the gym this morning.  Came home instead and layed down.  Forced myself to stay asleep far longer than necessary.  Flip flopping around.  Huggggggggg that pillow.  Tight, tight, tightly now.  Woke up at last.  Masturbated.  Got up, got on the computer.  Laid down again.  Masturbated.  Got up once more.  Did a couple loads of laundry, read a chapter from “The Magic Of Thinking Big“, by David J. Schwartz, made a nice lunch of 2 Tilapias and Spring Vegetable Soup.  Laid back down.  Masturbated.  Too soon indeed the kids were home.  “Mom!  Sprng Fling is cancelled tonight!”  “Oh hon, I’m so sorry!”  Sorry indeed….I was ELATED.  This fit right in with my high and lofty goals of the day.  No human contact whatsoever.  Tonight I will go workout for my full 2 hours.  I will come home and likely finish my day with one last thing.

If you don’t love yourself. nobody else will.  That’s why I’m a raging narcissist these days.  In the most clown sense of the word.  No, martyrhood did absolutely nothing for me.  I was a ring wraith.  Taking two days off work in a row is just good for the soul.  Yesterday was spent birthdaying with daughter number 2.  Yes after three kids they all become numbers.  She is 17.  We had Indian food together and went to see He’s Just Not That Into You.  (Cute movie.)  My sincere prayer for my daughters is that they never have to read that book.  Just be into yourself ladies, and the men will come in swarms.

There are a million and one BEAUTIFUL female bodies out there. 

I just happen to be one of them.

I think I have built enough of an ass now to bury a nose in.  Granted, I was going for the entire face.  But perhaps a nose will have to do.  Speaking of which, the story of Pinocchio always did turn me on.

People have alot of funny beliefs and opinions about God.  Sure most of these were taught (brain washing).  I believed most of them myself, for most of my life.  Many of these thoughts center around what it means to “please God”.  I was taught, and believed, that to please God you made yourself a living offering.  Yes this is true.  True in the sense that your life belongs to God, and everything you can and will ever do is through him and to him.  This is just the way that it is.  But this is not the way the church teaches it.  The church teaches that you are to take up a cross and carry it.  Now why in the heck would I need to take up a cross and carry it when the job has already been done for me?  In my EVER so humble opinion, this is how we glorify God.  Not by castrating ourselves, lying sprawled out on the floor in submission (this is so S & M).  No.  We are to RISE.  We are to honour and glorify God by rising to BE and BECOME the very best that we can be.  For all of us this will be many different things, as our God is an abundant and multi-faceted, talented creator.  So for me, it might be weights.  For the next person it might be horseback riding.  For a third person, oratory.  Whatever it is that you enjoy the most, do this thing with all of your heart.  When you exalt yourself, you indeed exalt the God who created you.