MILF HUNTRESS

I have got the headache from hell.  Looked at hubbie earlier and started laughing.  Said, “Ok.  Bipolar moment now over.”  “You sure?” he asked.  Well I don’t know about bipolar.  I probably fit the criteria.  But how about “When you’re up, you’re up, and when you’re down, you’re down?”  Or, “Caillou was happy”….”Caillou was sad”.  Usually it is circumstantial.  So I am like a Rolling Stones Farewell Tour.  Feel free to laugh with me, not at me.  I do feel that it is time to move on.  Not because I have to, but because I want to.  The only way that I do things.  But I still have so much to say.  Ah well, write a book will you?  It’s not like B&N won’t always have space on it’s shelves for another best seller.  SELF ESTEEM & SELF RESPECT.  This is what I stand for.  I like to lose myself in degradation as much as the next soul, but I have children to represent.  It’s not like the world isn’t corrupt enough already.  Taking a couple of days off from the gym.  I’m burned out.  Maybe a couple of days off work too.  Chill out and relax for the rest of 2008.  Prepare the way for 2009.  Alot of thinking to do.  My favorite pastime.  Mainly, I think it is time to move on because of Universal Law.  You have to get rid of something old to make way for something new.  As much as I love this site, I feel that there is something better out there waiting for me.  I am anxious and excited to figure out what it is.

I am not a man hater or a male basher.  If the world were without men, I probably would not want to live here.  I don’t always have the words to express what I am trying to say.  My thoughts themselves are a constant work in motion.  The truth is, my problem stems with society.  A society that condemns man’s sexual nature and attempts to hide and disguise it.  A society that instructs it’s members in shame.  We are taught shame.  But at the core of us there is pride.  This is how we begin our lives.  Feeling good about ourselves.  All the rest is taught.  All the rest, in my opinion, is make believe.  Man is both a mixture of strength and weakness.  I have known both.  I don’t pretend that my experiences of pain have been worse than any other.  Honestly, we are born in pain, and most of us will again die in pain.  This is truth.  But the stuff in between…the stuff in between we mostly have a choice over.  That is if we choose to think for ourselves.  NO.  Man’s sexual nature is not to be demonized.  Only recognized and understood.  When women are fully and truly allowed to seek, find, and enjoy their own sexuality as much as that of any man,…that day we will truly be free.  Until that day, keep the vibrators fully charged.

I woke up from a dream.  The girl from the library came to me on a school bus that was picking up my daughter and a friend.  The bus stopped and she excitedly ran to me.  “My Dr. said I can come out 2 times per week.  I can come out 2 times per week as long as it is with you.”  She began to unzip herself from chain link fence which was holding her in from head to toe.  She stepped out of herself.

I want to help people.  I want to help people in their own prisons as I was so long in my own.  I’m not ready yet.  I still have much work to do.  I am not talking about sitting some woman down on a machine and telling her to move it.  I am talking about helping women deal with the mental issues, the internal prisons of the mind.  Those that I have been working through, and also others that I know nothing about.

I wonder about the little girl in me.  I wonder about long ago forgotten memories, or repressed memories too painful to release and/or own.  Memories pre-word, pre-language.  Did something happen to me as a little girl?  Did something need to happen to me for me to have these strong feelings regarding women’s sexual issues?

Helping women to heal.  I feel this is my calling.  Yet I know not enough about the subject matter.  Only the pain.  Only the repurcussions.

There are reasons women block themselves in with fat.  There are reasons women choose to live their lives as undesirables.  Fear.  It is unsafe for a women to go through life as a sexual object.  Where did I learn this?  How did I know it?

Was it from the men in their station wagons (complete with wives and children) making oral inuendos at me through the window when my breasts first began to bud (about age 10)?  Was it the men stopping to ask me and my friends for directions with their dicks hanging out their pants?  Was it the myths and true life threat of rape…Little Red Riding Hood Syndrome…”Please don’t talk to strangers” stories?  Was it my own mother’s story?  Or her mother’s story?  Or the story of the woman before her?

All I know is I heard these stories.  I heard a million and one stories.  So it never really needed to happen to me for me to understand.  For me to feel the pain and vulnerability of being woman.

A wall of fat.  It is to keep the bad men out.

For every 1 bad man there are 99 good.

Or is it the opposite?

Rough day with the family.  It’s been one of those days honestly when I’ve wanted to run away.  Have quite a few of those actually.  Also, about that time, once again, lol, for a final farewell.  Will she make it?  We will see.  When I set my resolve to something….TRULY set my resolve to one thing…I seldom look back.  It’s been that time for awhile.  First when members of my community found me.  Then my family.  Stayed on longer than I should’ve purely out of spite I guess.  One thing I have found from the experience…BIG DISCOVERY….is that for every 1 mental, physical, spiritual exhibitionist on this planet…there are 101 mental, physical, spiritual VOYEURS roaming the earth.  Where would one be dear friends without the other?  Yes, it’s always been 2 to tango.  So I’ve shared alot.  Most real, some fictional.  I have had to gauge who is reading always by the physical reaction to my presence.  Which surprise, surprise, changes on a blog to blog basis.  Do a God bloggie, and the peoples love me.  Do a dirty sex bloggie, and the peoples cringie.  Particularly fun has been the teachers at my youngest daughter’s school, who smile and wave in the morning, and/or turn their heads and scowl…based on the previous day’s blog.  Quite fun actually.  You learn that you can control people.  Quite like an omnipotent toddler throwing cereal from the high chair.  But there’s got to be more to life than simple manipulation of the town’s folk.  Because what does this mean about ME really….if therein I get my kicks? I HAVE AN OBSESSIVE PERSONALITY TYPE.  Of this I have no doubt.  The beauty of it, I have found……..this is all transmutable!  SO whether it be GOD, MY CHILDREN, THE ENVIRONMENT, MEN, SEX, THE WEIGHTS, MY BODY, ETC, ETC, ETC….this little ball of flame always has a place to go.  I guess it is my life force; my libido.  I am contrariness in action.  Ball of f-cking flame….inaction.  Great love of mankind….total apathy.  Extreme self control….utter carelessness.  Passion for God…moth to the flame.  I have always known I could go one of two ways.  The coin still remains in the air; frozen in time.  I could end in success……or total destruction.  In the end, it all comes down to how much I love versus hate…both myself and humanity.  I have known emotional pain that made me want to carve swastikas in my own forehead.  Why swastikas?  Perhaps because it is the greatest symbol of hate and destruction ever known to man.  Perhaps it was demonic.  DO I even believe in demons?  Perhaps.  Perhaps only in the demons that live in man’s mind.  333.  That’s what we all are.  Half evil.  I own my evil.  Do you own yours’?

I never work my traps directly anymore.  Gifted traps.  Because isn’t this what every girl needs?  My upper body definitely puts on size far easier than my lower body.  With the exception of my calves, which are fairly easy for me to build.  I think I have a farmer’s wife body.  Like some good old fashioned corn fed stuff. 

There are times that I admire the slender build.  Those girls who are tight, willowy, slender, with just the right amount of juicy bits.  Nope.  That’s not me. 

Big ol strappin puddin fed, corn bred.  Beans and rice baby, beans and rice.

My goal is to avoid complacency at all costs.  I will keep my eyes open and my body aware.  There is a time for work and a time for rest.  When I work, I will work.  When I rest, I will rest. 

I grow smarter and more conscious about what I attract into my life through my thoughts and inner dialogue.  I know that what I expect, I will always receive.

I practice the art of visualization daily.  I make time for this.  I know now that every change depends upon seeing in my mind’s eye what I wish to manifest on earth.  As above, so below.  It will be on earth, as it is in heaven.  All things begin in the mind.

I weed out now all remnants of an unhappy past.  I  never repeat the same mistake twice. 

Everything I truly desire now becomes mine.

I think about giving up my blog often.  Sometimes it is awkward.  But I look at it this way.  I choose to express life while I have life to express. 

There are still times I want to be naughty and change my goal to things like, “Anonymous sex with an absolute stranger”.  Both to shock and offend, and well, because sometimes that just sounds nice. 

Free speech.  Freedom of religion.  The pursuit of happiness.  It is what this country is based upon. 

It is Christmas Day 2008.  Life as usual.  For those having a crappy Christmas, remember an expression of gratitude for the little things.  Those breaths you are taking.  The loved ones who disappointed you .  They are still there…..to disappoint you.

Why do we worship? 

            We worship to feel good.

            We worship to feel pure. 

            We worship to exalt…..

                 ourselves.

Feel a little ich, blech, funky tonight.  Think it’s because I missed my second round of endorphins.  That, and well, I don’t know….I’m discontent somehow.  I don’t like it when I feel this way.  Especially when so much is in place.  I mean, I have the family, I have the health, the home, the job, I have….”a” car, lol, I have boobs, (thank God almighty…hated living without them).  I have a goooooooooood man, a very, very, very good man.  I have a workout to look forward to each and every day.  I have friends…though I don’t talk to or hang out with the ones I love the most nearly enough.  I know who I am.  I stand up for and fight for my beliefs.  Still unfulfilled somehow.  Man (woman) must be continually striving to be happy.  Of this I am sure.  Fill one thing up and you are looking for something else.  I am not a real material person.  I could say, “ok now, let’s fix up the house”.  I don’t really care about that for some reason.  It would be nice, but it’s not a wide and empty hole in my life.  Work for what I believe in?  Get lost in a cause?  This would be nice.  The library.  A better job than 90% of others I could think of.  But do I see me there 5, 10 years down the road?  Not really.  Not unless we build something newer and nicer, and the jobs divvie up differently…like I’m in charge of my own section.  It’s a GREAT job for a small community.  It’s one of the bedrocks.  I like being in contact with the youth, but without having to teach them anything.  Would I ever want to work in the fitness industry?   I think not.  You can’t teach motivation really.  I mean, I guess not.  Or maybe you can.  I don’t know.  Just rambling.  You all are my free shrink.  Think I really would like to take up boxing.  I need some physical contact.  Something that challenges me and makes me feel strong.  Can I take a hit though?  I don’t know.  I think I’m tough enough.  Not like I’m worried about my face.  I would like to be a tough chick.  I would love to whup some ass for sure.  I guess what I am saying is, I need a new goal.  Just not quite sure what that is.  College?  Not just yet.  Maybe someday.  Steroids would be a nice new path.  I would like to experiment with steroids yessirree…in a healthy, wise, conscious, playing my own physician sort of way.  Nobody has the right to choose what I put into my body, or what is best for my body besides me.  I would like to meet some new people.  But I want them to be real, genuine, fitness minded, and without the need to talk much.   Nothing is better than a good, long, comfortable silence.