MILF HUNTRESS

My 76 year old boyfriend just tracked me down at the library.  He called me baby.  lol  This is a fun and interesting guy.  He is ready for me to begin typing the book he wrote on gravity, though he keeps declaring he is broke.  I am supposed to go out to his place on Wednesday and take a tour of his studio.  This place is about 20 miles from the nearest town, sitting in the center of 10 acres of woods.  Yes, I must truly be bored to be doing this.  But I like interesting people.  I love a little danger.  And guess what?  I think that I can take him!

All kidding aside, I think it should be fun.  On other news,…I am finally going to demand a portion of my paycheck from the hubbie.  My paycheck goes directly and completely into his account each pay period to help with bills.

I have decided,…I am buying birthday gifts for my daughter, a new pair of librarian shoes for myself,….AND,…It’s just about time to buy me a super-sexy-sexy, barely there, slinky, tight fitting going out on the town outfit.

It has been awhile now since I have gone out to feel pretty.  Next time, there will be no holding back.  I’ve worked so hard for this, and I will be damned if I am going to feel ashamed for the body I have earned.  Girlfriends, hubbie, country men, lend me your ears.

I love you all, but I’ve simply just got to be me…..It’s about that time… to STRUT.

I did not go for a workout last nght after all.  I decided to take the very rare voluntary day off.  I think it was the lump I found in my breast that was freaking me out.  I decided that if it is just a lymph node (entirely possible), that my body is fighting off infection and needs some time to rest.

I can feel when my adrenal glands are being taxed.  I feel it right there in my neck, where it gets sore and tight.  I have this feeling slightly today.  I am going to pop lots of Vit C and Glutamine the next few days and see if that helps.  Still going to set an appointment with the Dr,, because I may be naive, but I am not foolish.

Breast cancer is nothing to play around with.  I am so sad thinking, this is so many women’s realities.  What is the statistic these days?  Like 1 in 5 women will develop breast cancer sometime in their lifetime.  This is a crime.

I certainly hope not to be a statistic.  Breast cancer is obviously something I would never choose to become part of my life story.  Honestly,  I don’t know what I will do if it does come down to it. 

My father died of cancer.  My thought has always been to let nature take it’s course rather than fight it if were to happen to me.  But I know fully well that if I am ever to face it, that old survival instinct could kick in good and hard.

Anyway, hoping it is something benign.  Thinking about it however, has reminded me, that life is for living.  And that I am not wrong for thinking so.  I am not wrong for attempting to enjoy life.  Why I am persistently plagued with thoughts otherwise I do not know.  Why do I feel guilty for being happy?

I don’t know if I will ever have the answer for this.  Human nature perhaps.  But I will fight off the instinct towards that perplexing guilt for happiness, until hopefully it goes away completely.

Woke up to a bundle of kiddie needs today.  What did this do, but make me draw the blanket down tighter. 

I slept most of the day.  Skipped my workout, but I plan on going in for at least an hour tonight.

My size one daughters have taken an affinity to the gym. 

I couldn’t pay enough to bribe them to go over a year ago.  Now that my gym is sweet and empty blissful place, they want to tag along.

35 long years it took me to learn to set boundaries, but I am beginning to be a pro.  “You girls can go with me for my PM workout, but not my AM.”

This is not to be mean, or withholding. 

This is because they get bored and start rolling eyes ready to leave after about 40 minutes. 

Very distracting.

I hate to say it,…but the gym is where I go to forget that I am a mommy.  The gym is where I go to forget everything,…but my body.

My husband called me this morning.  “I sold your Jeep for you.” 

Checking my cell phone later, I saw that I had missed 16 calls from earnest buyer.  

Earnest buyer called the back up number, and now I suppose hubbie will be wanting a commision??? 

The story is, this guy is getting a certified check for us, and will have it Monday PM.  My surgeon money is due Monday AM,….but I suppose the surgeon will wait one day if I make a phone call. 

(HURRRRRRRRRAY!)

Trying not to count my chickens….but I am getting very excited.

The finance company who is financing the other portion of my expenses left a message wanting to verify my employer.  My boss is on vacation, so I hope she answers her cell phone.

Also, I need to find my car title!  So many little things in the way,…but possibly, just maybe, it looks this thing is going to happen…and on time!!!!

My oldest daughter is going to be 18 on Sunday.  Hard to believe she is just about the same age I was when I got pregnant with her. 

This is the little girl that changed my life.  My age 19 pregnancy took me from hedonistic, beer drinking, lsd dropping teenager to seeker of truth.

I wanted…needed…the world to hold meaning, relevance, purpose, beauty. 

Not so much for me, but for her. 

I remember closing my eyes after I would lay her down for the night.  All I could see was her little head in space. 

That young, fresh, maternal love was magical, special, beautiful……darned right scary for a 19 year old female.

Baby girl is now fully grown, and fully rocking out the bootie shorts as well.  She has a brilliant mind to boot.  A sweet and loving gentle spirit, but one that has learned to toughen up a little bit too. 

(This is good for her…this is life.)

Yesterday, this daughter was the one to lift little live doe and put her in the basket. 

She was also the one to carry it’s dead sibling and put it where the dogs could not find it.  (THIS WAS HER DECISION…NOT MINE.)

I raised a loving child.  A child who is now a woman. 

Yet sometimes when I close my eyes,… I still see that little disconnected head floating about in space.

I am having a rough night.  We got the baby to an animal rescue person.  I don’t know if she is in good hands or not.  It is iffy whether they make it when they are this young and haven’t had any mama’s milk.  It turns out there was a second fawn, and it was already dead.  There wasn’t a mark on it, so I don’t know whether the dogs got it, or it was ill.

I have other things on my mind tonight though.  A couple came to test drive my Jeep. They seemed like very interested buyers and drove over an hour to take a look.  Sure enough, the handling scared them off.

But most of all I am worried because tonight while on the elliptical my bra was hitting a spot on my breast that was irritating it.  I felt down to rub the soreness and found a lump.  It’s a good sized one too.

This is not something I care to go through right now.  You know, you go through so much shit in life, and you decide to become happy.  You decide to live as much as you can possibly live…and you come up against so many people that just don’t want you to be happy.  You forever defend your right to freedom and happiness,…and then ZAMMO…life happens again.

Trying not to awfulize,…but I’m worried.

“Mom!  I think Bobby is eating a cat!”

My daughter ran outside to call the dog off.  She came back in shaken. 

“It’s a baby deer.” 

“Oh hell…I said, thinking the baby was already torn to bits and pieces.  “Just come inside and draw the shade.  You don’t need to see this.” 

The drama of life and death. This is an almost everyday part of living in the country.

Still curiosity got the best of me.

I looked outside.  Not 20 feet from my bedroom window, there it lay.

And it was moving. 

Not torn apart legs and limbs.  But a sweet little head looking up in my direction.

“Girls call the dogs in!  Put all the dogs in the basement now!!”

Here we are, 2 minutes until it’s time to hit the road for the last day of school, and we are hauling in dogs.  Wet dogs, stinky dogs, 5 of them total.  3 full of mud from swimming in a stream somewhere, and 2 dogs not even our own.

I took the girls to school,…and headed to the gym.  Heck, I’m not going to miss a workout over this.

Called my husband from the gym parking lot.  “Shit!  he said.  (Thinking of what’s to come.)   

“You know the dogs are going to piss and shit down there.  And Bobby is going to tear and eat through everything!”

We have a $1000 weight set in our basement.  It’s been sitting there for a month,…waiting for us to clear some space and put it all together.

I saw clearly in my mind’s eye the foam, the torn vinyl…my long dreamed of weight set ruined.

I quickly drove 12 miles home.  Put the dogs into the garage part of the basement. 

It took Bobby 2 minutes to tear through a metal door.  She is the beast of destruction.

I still had no intention of missing a workout. 

So I put down a plentiful supply of water for all five mutts and headed back to the gym.

Worked my chest, just a touch of back, 45 minutes elliptical, and 1/2 mile run to finish.

Came home hoping mama had come back for her baby. 

No, there she lays.

I called the Missouri Wildlife Rescue Hotline, and the lady said to give mama some more time. 

(What kind of mommy gives birth next to a house smelling of people and dogs?)

What I wouldn’t do for a kennel right now.  The dogs are still down there, barking, howling, stinking things up. 

This is a pain in the ass.  I will be cleaning a full day’s worth of dog piss and excrement for this.  This doesn’t make me happy.

But innocence. 

Fragility. 

This is something you just don’t let the dogs tear apart.

Well I guess I am stressed, because I just slammed a Peach Bacardi Silver. 

I only had the one, so darn, now I am stuck with a low carb Monster as a chaser.

Yes, I am having some hormonal induced depression today.  Damn. 

Actually, I can pretty much say this is stress induced.

1.) Upcoming surgery.

2.) Surgery money due in 5 days.

3.)  Kids last day of school tomorrow. 

(I love em!…but let’s just say, I’ve adjusted.)

4.)  No money even for gas to get to the gym tonight….or a gosh darned pint of strawberries.  (Slight craving.)

5.)  Rough week with the hubbie. 

6.)  I am truly getting old…lol

7.)  Yeah…still that getting old thing…bad enough it counts for two.

8.)  Now let’s do a fancy loop-di-loo right back up there to surgery. 

Best case scenario, I come up with the money and the blessed surgery gets done….(YES!  YES!  BE IT!  DO IT!  GET IT!  DONE!)

……but in the end,….I’m still getting cut.

OUCH.

Still waiting on that perfect buyer for my Jeep.  I’ve got 5 days to come up with $6000.  I just slashed the price big time.

If worse comes to worse, I can always reschedule.  But that is NOT in the game plan.

Ohhhh, I hate it when life interferes with my workouts.   lol

Got 35 minutes cardio in this morning. 

Went to work a long 3 hour shift.  haha 

I do without alot of extras to have this freedom. 

Little things like clothes, makeup, shoes, salon visits, massages, vacations….paid bills.

I do eat well.  I can say that. 

I am becoming a regular at the neighborhood salad bar. 

I picked up a quickie to go today.  Added my own seeds and albacore to the mix, parked in a little culdesac next to my gym and chowed down.

Oooh…..working out on a big full belly…not too good of an idea.

15 minute elliptical, about 45 minutes delts.

Hoping my good loving hubbie will go with me for a run tonight.  Perhaps a little game of "fistie-tap" on the speed bag too…just my way of saying, "hello again" to those triceps. 

Thank you all for being here. 

Reading all your blogs, being there vicariously through your diets and your workouts,  really does help me somedays, (like today), to know… I am not alone. 

A man returned a book to the library tonight called, "Dr. Mary’s Monkey". 

I got to looking at it, and our conversation went from there.

CONSPIRACY THEORY.

I can talk for days on this.

We went from small pox vaccines and cancer, to thimerosol and autism, to Marilyn Monroe and Bobby Kennedy, to the AIDS virus, to Anna Nicole Smith, to MC Ultra, to Bush, to Nazi Germany,…..and on and on and on….

Round and round and round it goes.  Where it stops nobody knows.

I live inbetween two realities.  The big one I know of but have no control over, and the little micro world I have created for myself.

I have learned through trial and error in the past to not focus on those big things which I cannot control.  (environment, mind control, conspiracy, corruption)

Instead I focus in tightly on all those little things that I CAN control.  (See those pretty little muscles?  That one here?  This one there?   Hmmmmm….what sort of protein shall I have for lunch today??)

If you cannot make a change, too much knowledge will only make you crazy.

I am like a fish who has come to the realization that it lives in an 8X8 fish bowl.  Not only that, but the water is bad, and the owners are either mad scientists or have gone on vacation.

This knowledge gives Mr. Fishie nothing in it’s power to change the situation. 

May as well enjoy all that the fishbowl has to offer.

Mine comes equipped with weights.

glub-glub

Should I blog about my great leg and ass workout today?  Or should I blog about my morning stretches?  Should I blog about how I just ate a gigantic salad bar, then came home and ate an entire box of nutty grain cereal?  Or should I blog about how I picked up my issue of Hard Bodz Magazine and found the delightful Ms Chicken Tuna?  Maybe, I should blog about how my husband is mad that I blogged about my ex-lover and is threatening divorce.  Or, super maybe, just maybe,..I should blog about how I am fighting off a bad case of poison ivy and about a gazillion bug bites from my weekend frollicking about in nature.  Or, maybe I just won’t blog at all.  Yeah….I think that’s what I’ll do.  I just won’t blog at all.

Anyone seen or heard of “Hard Bodz” magazine?  I saw the cover on a girlie mag rack on the way home from the lake and tried to buy it.  The girls behind the counter looked at me like I was crazy, and couldn’t find a copy.  I asked for the display but they said they couldn’t open the case. 

The model on the cover looked familiar.  I wish I could place her.  Since the magazine was locked up I am presuming it contained nudity.  Nothing I haven’t seen before.  I am in need of motivation.  I am surrounded by average to out of shape people in my day to day life.  I forget sometimes what I am going for. 

“Why am I turning down that chocolate again???  Oh yes….because I want to look like THIS!” 

I want to look like Ms Marvel, or take your pic of any other magazine heroine.  The overly exxagerated, beautifully muscley, super-sized breast, bad ass version of female. 

I’ve been looking through some anime at work while things have been slow.  There is alot of truth in anime.  It is like taking all of the good, dramatic, truthful scenes in life, and throwing out the mundane, boring parts.  I especially love the touch of sub-dom that these magazines hint and allude to.  As you have probably guessed, that is kindof  my thing….at least in my imagination.

Back from the lake, and I had a good time.  Spent time with the in-laws, nieces and nephews, got some sun, went on a short hike with my girls, saw a beautiful rainbow over the waters, read an entire book, ate way too much.

Two days off, and I am biting at the bit to get back into the gym.

Be it ever so lovely,….there is no place like home.