MILF HUNTRESS

It feels strange to put stuff out there where anyone can read it, but I guess it is ok as I will be focusing on my body goals, so nothing too personal.  lol  Also, I doubt many people read these things.    However if there are any seriously overweight women out there who feel the road is too damned long and hard to even get started, please know that it is possible if your motivation is high enough.  And even if you lack discipline, if your will and desire is sufficient, the discipline will come along with it.

I am one of the laziest ass people I know….seriously…..and I have no problem with going to the gym 2 hours a day 6 days a week.  It’s all in the mindset.  To me it is a reward not a punishment.  It is something that I do for me that no-one can take away from me.  When you prioritize it, and make it non-negotiable, it’s funny how obstacles fall out of your way.

 Now food, on the other hand, which they say is 80% of this process, THAT is where I still go back and forth on the discipline.  I have shown extreme efforts in the past, going to 7 family birthday parties in one month without once indulging in any of the feasting, including things I love like pasta, pizza, Italian Creme Cake and Spumoni Ice cream.  That takes alot of effort, and it can wear thin after awhile.  I have found it helps me to prepare ahead, and to take things with me that I can eat so I don’t go hungry.  There are plenty of options.  While they eat cake, I may eat a Snicker’s Protein Bar…or two.   While they eat pizza I eat a huge salad with tons of sunflower seeds, cheese, eggs, etc.  (Yummy!) T

he fact is however, that I have fallen off in the past month and a half or so, and gained back about 7-8 pounds in the process.  For a former food addict like myself-one who soothed the problems of life and emotional pain through excessive intake of food, I have a constant knowledge that just one step too far could take me right back to where I just came from. 

I am fortunate to have had weight loss and muscle building victories in the past, so I identify myself both with being an in shape person, and an extremely overweight person.  I know what it is like to wake up choking on my own vomit from reflux.  I know what it is like to have the weight from fat on my chest pressing down so hard on me that I cannot breathe when I lie down.  I know what it is like to wake up with head pressing headaches from lack of oxygen intake every morning.  I know what it is like to go for a sleep study and be diagnosed with sleep apnea.   My esophogus and throat were so lined with fat that my airway passages would go shut when I slept at night.  I know what it is like to worry about "will I fit into this booth", and "will people be staring at me in disgust as I head up to the buffet".  I know what it is like to be ashamed of my presence and to live life as a constant apology, overcompensating for my appearance with overkindness and constant humour. 

Not that it was all bad.  I learned alot from these experiences.  And from once again losing the weight, I have found that the exact same people who judged me for looking gross and pathetic before, now judge me for looking too damned good.  The same Christian women who once would have shunned me for my lack of discipline, and my gluttony, now shun me for my too tight shirts and my lack of modesty.  These are people who lack in sympathy and understanding for other people’s experiences and other people’s truth, and you know what?  I don’t need their approval.  There will always be judgemental spirits out there.  Number one truth I have found is, "I don’t need anyone else to like me as long as  I like myself."  It’s all about self love people. 

I gained a hundred pounds not because I lacked willpower and discipline, but because I did not believe it was right to value myself and to put myself first.  I learned the hard way, but I did learn, and I am thankful for my lessons.  I will never go back. 

My low point perhaps was when my lower back was in so much pain that I couldn’t walk for over 2 weeks.  I remember waking up one night where my spine was so inflamed that it felt like something had swollen so tight that I wasn’t getting oxygen to my brain.  I couldn’t move my neck and my head felt like it weighed 300 pounds and like it was disconnected from my body.  I truly felt like I might be dying.  But I made a conscious decision to lay there and die rather than call an ambulance for help, due to the shame and embarrassment of being that size.  Another time, I was stuck in the bathtub for 3 days, again due to lower back pain and the inability to move.  I found I could pee in the tub, but I was afraid to eat as I might need to have a bowel movement.  Can you say ALL TIME LOW? 

This was all weight related.  My body was not built to hold such excessive poundages.   I am tall, but my bone structure is small.  Naturally I would say my body type is ectomorphic, though I have a capacity to become very endomorphic.  There is nothing of the mesomorph in me (damn it) , though I am trying to change that through lifting fairly heavy at the gym. 

I would love to have a gymnast type body.  You know, those little girls who are born with muscle?  My maximus gluteus says it all…lol.  No muscle there.  Mesomorphs have perfect asses.  What I lack in ass, I make up in hips though.  Good old child bearing hips…though all three of my babies got stuck in the birth canal.    Go figure. Anyway, I am tending to ramble. 

Will cut this short, and finish up by saying, I am resolved never to go back. 

Exercise for me is the key.  It is the only way to achieve my goals.  Secondary for me is the diet, though I know I could achieve much if I applied more discipline to this area.  Being a vegetarian, very close to being vegan, it is extremely difficult.  I am fortunate and proud that my body has built any muscle at all.  I went from a zero protein, all carb intake (very unhealthy vegetarian diet in the past) to probably right now approximately 100 grams of protein a day.  (Still way too low.)  But man and woman can not live on whey protein alone damn it.  And I find most of my protein comes from very fatty sources like seeds nuts and cheeses.    

To be continued…