My talking out loud

I often wonder about this…Now that I have lost almost 95lbs, am I supposed to feel diffrent? I know I look diffrent infact people that once knew me will have a conversation with me and not even realize that its me the once 220lbs mom of their kids friend. Or I love this one… some guy at the gym was amazed of my before and after photos, he put it very well when he said most people lose weight but still look like themselves just smaller he said I could have commited a crime lost weight and no one would have known it was me..lol! Its true I look sooo different especially in the face, but the strange thing is I don’t feel any diffrent. I am still me, I am happier now but I haven’t changed at all on the inside. I am still a total goof ball, I was taught when I was young to never forget to laugh at yourself, and I have perfected this! People that know me know that what comes up comes out and know that I am always joking or finding humor in everything, even the tough situations, but I was always like that! At 220lbs I was the same person just in a bigger shell! I think sometimes people look at me and think that because I lost weight and got this new figure that I am diffrent on the inside and that is so far from the truth. I am probably more self concious now then ever, I fidget with my clothes all the time, if people look my way I assume my zippers down or I am dressed like a dork, hubby keeps saying to get over it, get used to it but how can you. Someone told me the other day that it takes time and eventually your mind will catch up and you will get over that "big girl" mentality but I kinda like being the same girl I once was, just cause my looks change do I have to change??Who wants to go through life thinking their S*** doesn’t stink, what fun would that be? Personally I am proud that I was once a big girl, it made me stronger as a person, as a mom and as a wife. I never will go back to where I was physically but sometimes I feel that at least back then people didn’t look at me like I am something I am not. I just want to be me, the once big mom of 2 who loves to laugh especially at myself, who is addicted to peanut m&m’s, and who worked my butt off to get to this weight loss goal ! So for others that have gone through this weight loss transformation, are you diffrent now?

Today was leg day at the gym and i wasn’t supposed to be doing cardio today but after my free day and a half i decided to go for it. So i managed to knock out 30 min on the Elliptical first thing this AM then went off to the gym did legs, then another 20 min on the Treadmill. Eating so far has been spot on, just finished my lunch of chicken, sweet potatoe and green beans..yummy! Sound familiar? Im sure that is very common around here.

I am a little nervous about my gym goings tomorrow…see my son’s dr’s appt got moved around so that puts us going to the gym in the evening verses my usual morning time. No biggie right???Wrong! Thats when all the big boys come out to play or I should say lift! I am used to my morning crowd where they all know me and know I am a goof ball who has lost a bunch of weight, the people at night look at me like I am a freak…I mean a girl lifting weights??? Could she possibly know what she is doing???? I feel like I am on display and my every move is being watched. Now i know this isn’t true, its just my insecurities creeping up and amping up my anxiety but I am soooooo insecure and i hate that about myself! But on the other hand the good news is the last time I had to go at night my anxiety had my heart rate going so good that I was always in my "zone" and i burned so many more calories than usual!!! I know, Get Over It right??? I am a creature of habit who is slowly learning to come out of her shell!

As always, Thanks for Reading and not laughing to hard at me!

MGG

Hi everyone!

So this is my first blog and as a stay at home mom I don’t have many people to talk to (outside of my gym of course) so i thought this would become a nice option for me.

Todays topic on my mind is….You ever feel like a fraud? Strange question to ask, I know but sometimes I do. Let me explain…I am so close to loosing a grand total of  95lbs.(2lbs away!!!) Now I have worked my butt off to get to this point but people that know me look at me with admiration for my Dedication and my Will but truth be told sometimes that Dedication and Will goes out the window and I feel like  such a fraud like i need to announce to people that i caved, that my Will is not that strong! What led me to feel this way this weekend was my latest binge, why can’t I be like most and have a cheat meal? Mine goes from a meal to eating whatever I can usually over a 2 day period! Then the whole time I am thinking of all the people that I inspire to loose weight and i feel like such a fraud! Now, I know that I have lost the weight through Clean Eating and Training I also know it has taken me a little over 2 years to accomplish and I know I am not really a Fraud that I am human but this guilty feeling just won’t go away! Funny part is I will walk into the gym tomorrow feeling  guilty and most people will know I had a binge…how you ask? Well see after my ocassional episodes I announce my guilt by showing up in VERY loose fitting/baggy clothes, its a dead give away! Most people by now even know that the culprit was penut M&M’s (and we aren’t talking the size you find at the checkout…nope, try the family size)! So am I crazy for feeling so guilty?????? I like to share my weight loss story, in fact I am so proud of it I share it all the time and try to inspire others, but sometimes I wonder what kind of insipration am I really if I can’t keep my hand out of the cookie jar so to speak!

Now that I wrote a book…I will be going! Thanks for reading I am so glad I got that off my chest!

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