Step 1.  All cooking is done on a grill type apparatus the Omahos call a "clam-shell fire pit".  The Omahowyadoins have developed a symbiotic relationship with a bird known as the Red Pecker Humper Thrush.  These birds are encouraged to make their nests in the clam-shell fire pit, but it’s all a trick!  There is no symbiosis between the people and the birds.  The Omahumunculus simply cook up the bird nests without giving anything back to them!  They say irony is what adds a special flavor to any meal.  This method of cooking meats does add extra Omega-666 fats (keeps Satan away) and vitamin-XXX (keeps one from falling into making low-budget gonzo-porn).  

Behold!  An authentic clam-shell fire pit ripe with Red Pecker Humper Thrush nest

Step 2.  Selecting which exotic and delicious animal to make into vittles.  What was on the menu this day?  This chap!  His name was Carl.

Don’t worry.  I partied with Carl first before we got down to business.

Step 3.  Enjoy your vittles!!  That DanicaX is not only incredibly shapely, but also a hell of a cook.  When KM hears these words, “Marmoset, get them vittles while their fresh off the clam-shell fire pit” he knows he is in for a warm belly full of delicious and nutritious exotic meats.  

What was for dinner the next night?

Anyone out there that can properly identify what creature Carl is King Marmoset will overthrow a country and name it in your honor.  Sorry, but you don’t get to pick the country.  Hint:  Carl isn’t a pig.  

Your humble, but brilliant King is here to report that the oils of this poison ivy are besmirching his armored yet supple skin.  It lurks in the corners of the mouth, the webbing of the webbed fingers, and don’t you just know where else it inhabits?  The junk.  Always the junk.  The witch doctor says KM wouldn’t get the ivy on his junk if he’d just keep his hands out of there.  Good advice for any Marmosets out there.

I used to be able to semi-keep track of everyone’s blogs by checking the "What My Friends Are Doing" section on my.bodyspace.com.  However, there are no more blog entries in there (and haven’t been for a long time).  Do you have blog entries in yours?  Is it just me?  I can’t remember if I checked Danica’s to see if she could.  Let me know.  I don’t want to holler at the developers if it’s a system wide issue.

Marmoset on the walls of the Kremlin

King Marmoset appeared out of the void one Saturday morning (some would say that he was still soggy with booze).  Lenin’s minions must have been tipped off by some unsavory friend of darkness that an attack was imminent (probably a monkey some beggar employed that appeared to give your handsome narrator the stink-eye).  Even the mighty King Marmoset had to wait in line for his chance at the Overlord; wait in line with actual Europeans.  It seemed King Marmoset was not alone in his thirst for vengeance.  The line was very long indeed.  

The stink-eyed monkey

Upon checking all cell phones, cameras, sabers, and nunchuks, King Marmoset was permitted to make the long walk to the tomb of Lenin.  Yes, my incredibly portioned reader, thou shalt not photograph the zombie master!  It is forbidden by orders of the Red Army their damn selves!  The long walk to the tomb was filled with great peril for there were many commie zombies buried along the red walls of the Kremlin.  All were dispatched for the sake of freedom and for living humans everywhere!  

Finally, the tomb!!  There, the Overlord was waiting for ol’ King Marmoset!  A great, great battle ensued.  Sucker punches and kidney chops were landed by both battling sides.  The tomb, the Kremlin, Red Square, and even reality itself was destroyed in the battle!  Who won?  Even King Marmoset knows not.  What is known is that upon waking up in the rubble of Moscow the authorities “obliged” with vodka for King Marmoset to rebuild everything by hand.  It took me 7 minutes to do so.  The zombie Vladimir Lenin was not to be found.  Yet, according to media reports on the Internets, it magically reappeared in its tomb the very next day.  Yes, King Marmoset knows not who won, but he gets the feeling it wasn’t him.  Dread to you, lord Lenin!!!  We shall meet again!  

The only penance for failing to slay the Overlord is to lift.  Lift hard!!  Lift with great vengeance and furious anger!!  I must be bigger.  I must be stronger.  I must seek out a great master of the weight and suffer under their cruel tutelage.  I shall travel west and seek out the singularly luminescent DanicaX.  So sayeth I, King Marmoset, now and forever!!!

The zombie of Peter the great and his bride.  I slayed them.  Note:  I built that church when I was two just to show off.

Gyms - Just about every hotel has a "fitness room".  The web sites always show what looks to be a spacious modern gym.  Oh, how this can be such a damn lie!  Really, you never know what you are going to get until you get there.  Thus far, I’ve had one gym that was just a machine and a treadmill and another gym that was absolutely super-pimped out.  You just have to adapt.  Yes, I have resorted to lifting furniture in my hotel room before.  Curling a chair isn’t quite the same as a nice EZ bar.  Although, I find that squatting the mini-bar really sculpts the buttocks.  

Also, as far as gym etiquette goes, it’s the same everywhere I’ve been.  You can’t work out in your underwear in America and you sadly can’t do it abroad either.  The most I can seem to get away with in Russia is doing the treadmill with my pants around my ankles.  The gym managers seems to begrudgingly accepting of this.  

Food - HA!!  Do you think it’s even remotely possible to eat clean healthy foods in a place where you can not speak the language and you can’t even read a freaking menu?  When you come to a place that is super alien you just do what you can to get a good meal once in awhile.  If I find a place that has a buffet I’ll abuse it in a habitual and systematic fashion.  It’s just a fact that you’ll probably end up eating something that isn’t part of a clean diet while you are away.  Just eat it and move on.  

Hydration - A lot of places outside of America don’t drink water like we do.  Often times, you can spot an American in a foreign country because they are lugging a huge bottle of water around.  Thus, I find it hard to stay hydrated on trips like this one.  If you get water at dinner it’s generally an 8 oz bottle.  I usually drink about 40 ounces of water at a meal.  I roll a 40 ouncer no matter what I’m drinking.  

Also, if you are buying water in other countries there are two types of water - gas and still!  Gas if friggin’ carbonated water.  If you don’t specify what kind so water you want you’ll probably be getting gas water.  Feel free to now make your own "gas in water" jokes.  

Supplements - It’s shockingly hard to pack Super Pump, a 5 lbs tub of protein, and all the vitamins and crap a person takes in a day along with regular luggage.  Thus, you have to accept some supplement free time while you are gone.  And, if you think bringing powdered supps in plastic bags is a good idea to some countries think again!  Yeah, I can picture trying to explain to the Russians what the powder in clear unmarked bags is.  Of course, I’m sure the guards would snort it just be on the safe side.  In fact, a good party in Russia generally features snorting some protein, knocking back some Red Bull, and getting out the baby oil.  

Okay, enough of this jibber jabber.  Lets get back to some good old fashion Marmosetiness.  I forgot to mention this little tidbit the other day… Obviously, I thought that all of Russia is white people (basically, the typical Russian).  The first person I met in Russia was our driver.  Dude was friggin’ Asian.  I’m talking "me put pee-pee in your coke" Asian!  You see that tiny little Asian face and then that mongoloid Russian accent comes out when he says, "My name is Stanislas." That is just wrong.  Despite being "Russian" Stanislas still had one hereditary Asian trait that can’t be escaped - he was the worst friggin’ driver in this country!!!  

Lastly, tomorrow… LENIN!!!!!!  All accounts will be squared!!!  All ledgers balanced!!  Can the unstoppable juggernaut that is King Marmoset vanquish the undying overlord of the USSR?  Stay tuned, my buck teeth readers!!  

King Marmosettttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ha!!  Speaking of corporate greed mixed with good old Soviet jibber jabber, Starbucks here are called something like Republik Bucks!!  The name is written in Cyrillic mumbo jumbo, but those are the words you can make out.  I friggin’ love that.  

I’ll now tell you an amazing fact about the sexes (there are only two) here in Russia.  

Females - all girls are a mandatory 5lbs underweight here.  They only eat hot steam once per day and get all their other nutrients from cigarettes.  Their entire wardrobes consist of nothing but mini-skirts (this is actually true and not Marmoset speak).  Regardless of their profession they all wear mini-skirts.  It ain’t exactly warm here either.  Who wants to be the first to make a beaver comment?  Really, I encourage it.  

Males - Ladies and gentleman, the mullet is alive and well in Russia!!!!  No, take a few seconds to applaud reading that and come back when you’ve collected yourself.  I’m not talking the flowing mullets of 80s America.  These are kind of like baby Euro-mullets.  Just a few seedlings in the back poking out a little to let you know that the party-in-the-back is still blazing away.  I thought you’d all like to know that!  Note:  Mullet is French for mule’s tail.  That is a true story.  The friggin’ French have a word for everything.  King Marmoset in French is le Douchessoir.  Seriously!!  

Okay, on to the part you’ve been waiting for….

Yeah, King Marmost doth fly to Moscow today.  Instead of napping or eating anything but quiche he went out in search of his sworn foe.  Traveled high and low King Marmoset did until he finally came to the walls of the dreaded Kremlin and it’s cold war undead master, LENIN!!!  King Marmoset scaled the walls of the Kremlin, assailed mighty St Basil’s cathedral, took a picture of 2 monkeys who happened to be there at the time, and finally fell upon Lenin’s tomb!!  

But lo, my well muscled and possibly naked reader, justice was not served!  For the evil and undying Lenin was spared on this day.  Why?  Simply because the tomb is only opened until 3 and it was already 5!  Alas, the dread overlord of the evil empire continues on with his undead existence until Saturday (closed on Fridays).  Reports will be coming henceforth!!  

I’m taking the day off tomorrow from sight seeing.  I’m going to just chill, lift weights, and maybe buy Danica a few things.  Don’t tell her I said that though because I want it to be a secret.  

Until tomorrow, super pimps!!!!

Kiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnngggggggggg Marmosetttttttttttttttttttttttttt!!!!!!!!!!!
!

I went to Ireland last year and was disappointed that the Irish weren’t as drunk as I wanted them to be.  The Russians are way, way drunker than I ever could have dreamed of!!!  I went to a big Russian style dinner with like 30 people tonight.  All of them had to stand up and give some long winded toasts in Russian.  You do the math on the vodka!!  These people are just lousy with alcohol!  After they get ripped they all pulled me aside and said, "Marmoset, there are no ugly women in Russia.  Vodka makes everyone beautiful."  I’ll drink to that!  

Another quirk, if there is an open door there is no being polite and letting people go through one at a time.  It’s every friggin’ man for themselves!  I imagine this is why all the older Russian broads are so tough.  Forget the Bolsheviks, WW2, and the new economy.  They are tough to survive these situations of great peril!  

Bryan and any other WW2 fans, there is a line outside the city were the Red Army held the Nazis for over 900 days.  They say you can dig anywhere in the soil and still find bones.  The friggin’ Nazis destroyed so many priceless cultural treasurers it’s not funny.  Stupid friggin’ Nazis!!  

I went out drinking with my mom last night.  If you hear this phrase out of your mom’s mouth you are in for a troublesome night, "I didn’t get a picture of you drinking that flaming shot.  You have to do another!"  

I saw a two humped camel on my way in the city.  For those of you keeping track at home, a one humper is from Africa, a 2 humper is from Asia, and a three humper is very rare.  If you manage to get 3 humps, well, you’ve had a good night!  

There isn’t one fat Russia person in this entire city.  Nor are there any muscular people.  Everyone is very slender.  They simply don’t have enough food.  Also, they never drink water like we do (the water is tainted with a parasite).  They only drink vodka.  It’s crazy.  They smoke a lot too.  And, I haven’t seen one gym yet, but that might be because I don’t know what the signs mean.  

I did see some works by Michaelangelo, da Vinci, Rembrandt, etc.  Basically, you name the famous old-school artist and I saw some of their work here.  However, their art pales to the majesty of the baby mammoths they have here.  I’m talking mummified mammoths I’ve been reading about since I was a kid.  SO. F’n. Cool!!  

This wireless blows so I’m going to knock this crap off for the night!  I’ll probably have 10 more vodkas and sleep in the fish tank in the lobby.  Nite, yinz!

You ever here that Scandinavia has the lowest population density of the Western world?  That is true!!  You fly in and there are barely any houses or human structures as far as the eye can see.  This is in Helsinki too (not just out in the boonies)!  If you have ever been to Tokyo, Seoul, or Ireland you know that every single molecule of land is used in some way.  Finland is all trees and nothing.  It’s cool!  I’ll be here on vacation some day.  

The trees are all coniferous or birch.  I burned down a small forest just because I’m not nice.  

When you get off the plane, in order to get to the next plane they put skis on you.  Then, you grab onto some kind of even toed ungulate and it races you to the next plane.  I never saw this type of animal before and I know every animal that ever existed.  It looked kind of like a racing cow or maybe a reindeer with a super bitchin’ haircut.  When you want them to start running you just tap them on their ample nuts.  That is a totally true story.  Don’t question it.  

Okay, I’ve been awake for like 35 hours now.  I’ll write more my tomorrow/your tonight about Russia.  I’ll cover the gym, a 3 humped camel, the strange mammals I’ve eaten, avoiding radioactive blueberries, and so much more!!

I was scanning one of those tourist books with the protocols of behavior in Russia.  Basically, it says you will catch a disease and be a victim of violent crime no matter what you do.  It also says spitting three times is good luck over there.  We’ll see about that.  We’ll see if I get good luck when I spit in stupid zombie Lenin’s face 1-2-3 times!!  

Gotta go eat dirty food.  Peacccccccccccccce!!!

This vacation couldn’t come at a better time.  Your favorite King Marmoset has been greatly burned out by his wheelin’ n’ dealin’ in the business world.  So much so that energy for lifting boulders and fighting constrictors has been in short supply.  Simply, it sucks when something usurps your life and siphons off some of the awesomeness.  And now it’s time for a quote…

"He that attains true self perpetuating awesomeness must work hard and suffer short-term awesomeness loss."

- King Marmoset

All that is now done, my incredibly shapely reader.  It’s time to get back to pulverizing weights, high-5′n peeps, and rocking this here BodySpace from the front - to the back - to the front - what-what??  I’ve missed far too many of your blogs and I regret this deeply.  Thus, if you notice a sudden spasm of King Marmoset on your page it’s because it’s catch-up time.  

More blogs soon!  Praise be to living humans!  Curses be to the zombie hordes and their undead puppet-master, L.E.N.I.N.  So sayeth I, KING MARMOSET, now and forever!!!!!  

PS.  Sultry jungle pheromones keep me up at night.  Business must be taken care of.  The pleasure is mine!  Then, I dream of the alpha and omega.  End. Of. Coded. Message.