King_Marmoset!’s BodyBlog

Strange things are afoot in Marmosetia these days, my gorgeous shapely pretties.  Yes, above and beyond the standard strangeness of battles with the undying, boulder lifting, radioactive monsters, and Ruskies.  The mighty King Marmoset himself knows not how to interpret these obfuscated truths.  Time will reveal the answers.  Here is a clue.

Looks like liberty lovin’, freedom indulging, red, white, and blue King Marmoset is leaving this here country and going to Russia to get all hammer and sicklely soon.  If you are like me, everything you’ve learned about Russia in your life revolves around the Cold War, communism, Red Dawn, fresh water seals, frozen baby mammoths, Siberian tigers and their great thirst for vengeance, and ice hockey.  Sorry, 1980 Soviet team!!!!  Anyone of you pristine and highly patriotic Americans, and one German, ever been to Mother Russia, St Petersburg and Moscow to be precise?  A brotha known as King Marmoset would like a few words with you.  

Should all this come to fruition, rest assured there will be pics of King Marmoset destroying Red Square on here and on the news.  Those red SOBs ain’t seen anything like KM since the monster Rodan destroyed the Kremlin back when earth’s mightiest monsters joined forces to destroy the alien evil known as King Ghidorah.  Alas, many good monsters were lost that day…

In closing, WOLVERINES!!!!!!!!!  

King Marmoset, post bulk, ruber Red in Russia:  

Rodan on the left with the wings

Note:  Why on earth would Gozilla bring his kid to fight King Ghidorah?  Also, who is that kid’s babymomma?

Note2:  Why would all those monsters band together to fight King Ghidorah?  All the earth monster do all day long is destroy cities.  Do they really care an alien monster shows up and destroys some cities?  I guess they do care.  

King Marmoset is currently in the process of growing to 8′8" tall and a weight of 888 lbs.  Relax, the King’s plan is to do this via eating and lifting super hard instead of using radiation like the last time.  Once the King attains this colossus size he will drift off the face of the earth and float into the lifeless, loveless void of deep space.  There, hostile alien cultures will be devastated or possibly romanced, binary stars will be mashed together to make a cosmic crucible to forge new proteins, and awesomeness and high fives will be dished out to all peaceful beings DanicaX style.  

In your squeaky little clicks and whistles voice you peep, "But GreatOne, how will you grow so large without the radiation you have depended on before?"    

I shall utilized the growth serum known as The Ninja Bill Get Large Shake.  This shake in addition to the regular mass quantities consumed with great prejudice will produce this large size.    

King Marmoset’s version of The Ninja Bill Get Large Shake
3 Omega-3 eggs
2 cups low fat milk or water
2 scoops whey
1 banana
1/2 cup blueberries  

Throw all this in the blender with some ice cubes, curse out loud, and enjoy.  The curses add essential swear word acids and adult language vitamins.  

Thus, King Marmoset is now 4 lbs larger than before.  Sure, sure, some of that is peppermint ice cream, but the rest is the good stuff.  Godspeed, King Marmoset!!!

Who is the fattest Marmoset in all in the land?  King Marmoset is!!!  

No food…NO FOOD was spared the King’s ample family inspired holiday wrath.  He had to wear his corduroy trousers with the elastic waist band… Yeah, no wasting time fidgeting with a belt and buttons.  Just let your gut expand and the elastic will do the rest.  All great predators can distend their bellies to accommodate vast quantities in one sitting.  King Marmoset’s belly expands infinitely in all directions.  King Marmoset = Apex Predator.  Do the math yourself.    

Ham:  Dispatched with great vengeance and furious anger.  Tears were shed by Granny Marmoset at this.  She weeped at the effort she put in to cook such a ham only to have it eaten with such shame and contempt.  Save your tears for someone who can be redeemed, Granny Marmoset!  The appetite of King Marmoset hath no soul!  

Peppermint ice cream:  Mainlined directly into the system.  The quick burning carbs fueled other eating projects.  

Roast beef:  First, romanced.  Then, eaten whole.  See Ham above for tears, no soul, yada-yada-yada.

Barbecued meatballs:  Inhaled via the nose whilst the mouth devoured other nutrients and occasionally cursed out family members.

Turkey:  Turkey made a fatal error by looking so delicious and making eye contact with the King.  Upon brutally assaulting this cooked bird with a knife and fork, relatives of King Marmoset tried to interfere and get some for themselves.  They were never seen again.  The King does not share food now and forever!  

Gigantolocerous steaks:   What animal is Gigantolocerous?  The King’s holiday feasting on this delicious meat was so extensive that he erased Gigantolocerous from ever existing.  Yes, a rift in the Space-Time continuum was created and the Gigantolocerous was wiped from history.  It was struck from the record.  It never existed!!!!  HAHAHAHA!!!!

Okay, no more writing now.  The King is sleepy from having some bad dreams about zombie hordes last night.  The last dream ended with the King coming back as a zombie.  It was shocking to learn that zombies see in a bluish tint.  Use this info when combatting this unending evil in the future.  Note:  Never eat zombie flesh!!  It’s not on the clean diet menu.

Hear yee!!!  Hear yee!!!  With a seed planted by the blog of the mighty slayer known as Bryan Gee, King Marmoset shall now speak on the topic of injuries!!  

Everyone gets hurt sooner or later.  Celestial bodies in motion will sooner or later encounter some form of disagreeable physics resulting in injury.  Here is a list of the most common injuries known:

The acidic pinch from the black lava ants of Nizzarud - The opening of their hive may look like a pleasure orifice… It’s not!  Enter at thy own peril.

A talon strike from the invidious and treacherous Raptor Guild - The Raptor Guild will rue the day they struck against the interests of Marmosetia and broke the treaty!  

The sting of the serpent Karunaggar’s bite - Those that live through the painful bite and are not devoured by Karunaggar face this dreaded venom’s necrotic ways.  If anti-venom is not administered the victim is doomed to an undead existence as a brain hungry zombie.    

Unremembered calamities visited upon you while under the psychedelic trance of the secretions of the Thunderpussy Root Toad - There is often a dark side to wisdom gained, my son.  Lick the Thunderpussy Root Toad and trip to wisdom in moderation.    

Whether yee bee a mighty slayer, a harcore mutha, an extinction event maker, or the most supple of seductresses a course of action regarding injury is wise!  

1.  Identify the injury - Sounds simple, eh?  The King always hailed from the school of thought that if there was no blood there was no injury.  This is so very, very wrong.  The single greatest instrument that has retarded the King’s ascent to majesty is the failure to properly identify injuries.  If you are hurt, even if it doesn’t feel too badly, you are still hurt.  Take some time to evaluate what exactly is going on with the injury.  If you don’t identify and accept the injury you’ll only hurt yourself more.  

2.  Give the injury proper rest time - If the injury takes 8 weeks to heal you have to give it 8 weeks.  It’s that simple.  If you are still in pain then you aren’t healed yet.  People like us, we’ll always be chomping at the bit to get back in the game.  Letting an injury linger will be a force of retardation against your desires like nothing else.  You must heal fully!!!  

Wisdom like this comes at a great cost.  Yes, YOUR King Marmoset is the biggest culprit of snubbing injuries and trying to go on like nothing is wrong.  With broken ribs, the King played hockey multiple times, studied martial arts, slept in a bathtub, climbed a mountain in Korea, and lifted weights to the point that after benching only 80 lbs he needed help getting off the bench.  Instead of acknowledging the injury existed (all that stuff was done before accepting there actually was a legitimate injury) and letting the injury heal the King ended up on the shelf for 12 weeks!  12 f’n weeks!!!!  All because of his own stupidity and stubbornness.  

Hear these words and profit from them.  Many, many of us are on the gimp right now.  Please take care of your injuries!  Also, if you catch King Marmoset going against his own words remind him of this blog.  We are our own worst enemies!  

Note:  Any spies for the Raptor Guild reading this, your days are numbered!  Tell the Eagle King and his bitch side-kick Peregrine boy all they have and all they will ever know are for naught.  For sooth, King Marmoset has spoken!

Today is YOUR King Marmoset’s birthday.  He is going to enjoy the snow and try some corporate wheelin’ n’ dealin’ that just may change his life.  However, the King is in a giving mood.  This gift can be enjoyed by everyone, but the female marmosets out there might find this extra special.  

Hail to the King, baby!!!!!

If you are reading this then you are probably already aware of the unbridled awesomeness of this online community.  However, there is always something strange and interesting afoot.  

Check this profile out if you haven’t already:  http://bodyspace.bodybuilding.com/carolinasaenzse/

This young lady is already on her second profile.  When I saw her first one I instantly thought it was not only fake, but probably also a spammer (because she was asking for people’s MSN screen names).  Not shockingly, she was banned that day.  However she returned again the next day and I gave her profile another look.  I’m starting to believe she is just a girl with broken English, giant boobs, a web cam, and a need for attention.  Nothing wrong with that!  

Personally, I love the idea that all women in Columbia sit around in lingerie all day doing random house stuff and putting shirts on Teddy Bears.  Sadly, I know this isn’t true.  I know girls from Columbia.  If this Carolina girl had an evil twisted shadow they’d be it.  I shiver thinking about their broken English castigating me for crimes I didn’t commit.  

Bryan, you are an excellent sleuth in these matters.  What do you think?  What does everyone think?  Any other ladies what to put up videos of themselves in skimpy undies doing house work?  No on-the-toilet videos though!  You know who you are!  

It’s every youngster’s dream to break into the lucrative trade of bare-knuckle boxing of wild animals.  It’s long hard work and most youngsters never make it, but to those that do it can be very gratifying to be a champion animal battler.  There is nothing more satisfying than sucker-punching a hyena after it makes some stupid wise crack or back-handing a snobby lion for getting uppity.  Who wouldn’t want to met out a little street justice on a punk lion?  After all, they constantly prance around the grasslands with their stupid hair cuts like they own the place.  King of beasts my buck-toothed ass!  

As if the satisfaction of putting low beasts in place wasn’t enough, there are cash rewards to be had for a good bare-knuckle scrap with beasts.  Yes, wealthy Texas oilman have long known the rewards and pleasures of disciplining wild beasts.  They pay a hefty sum to any hard working youngster who can properly administrate wild beasts.  A satisfying and well paying job like this is all a junior person can ask for!    

King Marmoset has battled cut-throat orangutans in Borneo, elbow dropped smut-minded tapirs in Brazil, fish-hooked innocent narwhals in Norway, wrist-locked callipigious tarsiers in Gondwanaland, and bitched-slapped abominable yetis in Nepal.  KM has battled all this world has to offer and made himself wealthy on the rich cash prizes he has won.  Yet, you might wonder why he still cries myself to sleep at night and occasionally wets the bed.  Don’t you wonder that?  

It’s because he’ll never be the greatest of all time.  11,000 years ago the ice age ended and took with it the last of the world’s great mammals.  King’s glory and cash purse would be one hundred fold greater if he could have only fought it out with the glorious now extinct ice age mammals:  mastodons, megatherium, smilodon, megalocerous, and many others.  With these pitiful mammals we have today he’ll never be able to claim to be truly great.  The honor of true greatness goes to a proto-American named Chief Runs-With-Wang who racked up 1,000 straight victories over the brutes of his day.  Some say it was him that caused the great extinction such was the breadth and depth of his beastly administrations.  Woe, that the King could never have the opportunity to cause such extinctions.  

So, to you aspiring bare knuckle animal battlers out there, keep training.  Keep hitting your local pet stores, farms, zoos, and any exotic locales you can to fight whatever beasts are on hand.  Keep taking your protein shakes, vitamins, and eating right.  Keep lifting boulders, climbing trees, and stopping moving vehicles.  You never know when a monster will fall off the moon, some beast will time travel to today, or some ghastly creature will rise up from dark cold oceans to smote and ruin all that is shapely and luscious.  Remember, King Marmoset has got dibs!!!

Actual lion with ridiculous hair cut

King Marmoset’s buck teeth

Actual Texas oil man

The luscious and shapely

Twas icy in Marmosetia this past week.  Whilst springing from branch to branch an icy patch was struck and YOUR King Marmoset did lose his mighty grip and fall to the earth below; he fell into an icy world of besmirchment and ruin!  

Food:  While lurking on the ground, Father and Brother Marmoset did pay a visit to your humble narrator (great thieves of productivity they both are).  Pizza was the food they brought with them.  For the first time in 2007, pizza was consumed in mass quantities.  Pepperoni is not a good source of protein!  

Fermented Fruits:  Yes, my handsome friends, fermented fruits do lay at the base of the great trees.  What can start as a quick shot of 12 year old Jameson’s imported from Ireland with Father Marmoset can spiral into a blur of wickedness.  Fermented fruit juice known as Corona, Red Bull and grape vodka, and whiskey can lay even the greatest of marmosets low.  Ah, but were the marmoset mammaries of fallen lady marmosets worth it.  Of course they were.  They always are.  

Battle With The Beast:  There is a creature of great dread that lurks upon the ground:  the Jaguar!!!!!  

Mighty King Marmoset does enjoy combat with the beast, but it always leaves its battle mark on the King:  exhaustion, deep bruising, muscle strains, impact injuries, sleep lose, and lacerations from sticks (yes, the Jaguar employs sticks as weapons).  With all these ailments piling up, it’s hard to find the will to lift boulders.  

The King understands how he fell to the icy earth.  He also understands it’s time to dig thy claws into the trunk of tree and begin the ascent back to the heavens and greatness.  So sayeth I, KING MARMOSET, now and forever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  

Nerd note:  Did you know the jaguar is a native of the United States, extirpated due to over hunting and predator control programs?  But low, it has returned to parts of its former range in Arizona and New Mexico.  Beware the desert nights, my pretties.  A foe beyond any man lurks there.

When a frozen piece of vulcanized rubber hits flesh at speeds around 90 mphs, horrible things happen.  Among the many wounds I’m currently sporting, I’ve got a nice purple blossom on my arm from a puck.  This one is unusual because you can actually see the vulcanized thread of the puck in my skin.  

I showed the wound to my 8 year brother and he described it as the "coolest thing he’s ever seen."  

I tried to take pics for everyone, but you could only see the purple and not the vulcanization.  Sigh.  

NOTE:  I took a pic, but as you can see, you can’t really make out the vulcanization.  If you click on the pic you can barely see it.