King_Marmoset!’s BodyBlog

Sounds like a great name to a blog, doesn’t it?  King Marmoset is sad to admit it, but he has failed you, my supple peeps.  Long has King Marmoset been promising his glorious manifesto on how to "holler at bitches" on BodySpace and long has he failed to deliver.  Yes, the "hollerin’ at bitches" blog has become his own personal Chinese Democracy.  Axl Rose even wrote the forward.  

The crux of the blog "how to holler at bitches" was to lampoon some of the tactics used by lads on this site to, well, "holler at bitches".  Some of the ladies on this site have been letting young Kind Marmoset behind the scenes in regards to lads behaving badly.  KM figured he’d take it upon himself to show how "hollerin’ at bitches" should be done.  Here are some bullet points of what would have made a great blog:

The use of the words "hun, my dear, and sexay" when leaving comments on a lady’s profile.  

How to write a PM to a girl you’ve never met that will put you on the quick path to sweet and sensual lovin’.  Hint:  being a straight jabroni helps!    

The dos and don’ts of writing creepy poetry.  

When to drop the "lol im hott.  ur hott.  we shuld b hott 2gether" line.  

The tactful way to ask for nudes on the Net.  That is noodz for you people in the know, "will rep 4 noodz"!!!    

Yes, all these and more would have told you everything you needed to know about how to "holler at bitches."  King Marmoset even lined up some eye-candy to write testimonials/hate mail for your enjoyment.  Now my failure is complete and I’m sorry I didn’t deliver!!    

Note:  Yes, King Marmoset fully understands that there are times when you need to tell a girl her ass can stop the space time continuum; that there is a party in your pants and she is invited.  There is a difference between dropping a girl a compliment and straight "hollerin’ at bitches".  Hey, if "hollerin’ at bitches" is your move then just be good at it.  That is all King Marmoset is saying.    

Note 2:  For any concerned, KM’ll be turning RED next weekend and going to Russia.  You can count on some crazy ass blogs.  If you never hear from King Marmoset again then you can assume he has squared his accounts with their zombie overlord, LENIN, and lost.  Here are some quick facts about Russia.

They have 11 time zones.  

They actually have fresh water seals!  Seals that live in lakes!!!  Incredible!!    

At the turn of the 20th century, tigers could be found on the east and west of the country.  Not so anymore!  

Visitors are recommended to be vaccinated against Hepatitis, Typhoid, and rabies.  Yes, ****ing rabies!!!      

The Moscow subway doubles as a bomb shelter.  

Lenin still rules the country from an undying position.  Zombies and other abominations are all too common.  

What other damn stupid information will young King Marmoset have for you during his travels?  Stay tuned!!  

Oh, and keep an eye out for more public work-out pics/midget adventures.  DX is nigh!!  We shall ride again!!  HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!  

Oh2, it seems like the blog section of my.bodybuilding.com is gone.  That is the only way that I ever used to track people’s blogs.  If I’ve missed a blog of yours please feel free to tell me what a shit bag I am.  I didn’t mean it!!

You!!  

Yes, you!!  Do you want some more adventures of his majesty, King Marmoset, and his shapely vixen overlord, DanicaX?  

No, you say!  How about if the pics include us partying with the Easter bunny?  What if I told you the Easter bunny was at a gay club giving out eggs filled with condoms?  How about more pics of us working out in retail sporting goods stores?  All this and so much more can be yours by clicking the link below me.  Yes, I did just say, "blow me."

pics

Note:  Any ideas as to why that link isn’t hot?  Yes, that is a legitimate question by an illegitimate source.  

King Marmoset can read your minds!!  Didn’t know that, did ya?  He sends out his filthy mental tentacles all through the world to sift through your grubby brains and ferret out juicy bits of information.  Some of you should be very ashamed of yourselves (you know who you are)!  One question seems to uniformly permeate all human brains, "Why does GNC suck ripe monkey balls?".  King Marmoset believes he has answers.  

Lets establish the root of suckitude about GNC that pisses one and all off - the maniacal hard sell for anyone entering the premises.  For people like us, people with bodies being finely tuned and highly aesthetic genitalia, we don’t need the hard sell.  It’s annoying and it makes me want to marry fist with obnoxious face (often times my own obnoxious face).  What is the origin of this ridiculous counter-business hard-sell procedure?  

Once a fortnight King Marmoset showers, puts on clothes, goes out into the really-real world, and mimics being a normal person.  Today, he pretended to be a business man and met with some GNC execs.  Here is what was learned…

GNC isn’t extremely concerned with business from the fitness crowd.  Their entire pitch is geared to the first time supplement/vitamin buyer; the people who have a lot of questions and are more susceptible to their greasy sales pitch.  The savvy supplement buyer often buys their junk from the Intrawebs.  However, newbies will go to brick and mortar stores because they seek advice.  Like all good pushers, GNC gets their hooks into the vulnerable at a young age.    

This is simply an FYI from your friendly neighborhood King Marmoset!  Beware my filthy mental tentacles, my pretties.  Their reach is long and you can’t hold out your dirty secrets from their prying grasp for ever!!!  HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

yo

Yo!

YO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Today marks the last day of my scheduled weight gain tracker on this here web site.  My plan was to grow by 10 lbs.  Tis my first official "bulk".  It didn’t go so well.  King Marmoset will now detail what was learned (this might be common knowledge for everyone, but I’m just saying what I have verified first hand).  

Pros:  If you decrease your calories burned and greatly increase your calories consumed YOU WILL GAIN WEIGHT!!  Of this there can be no doubt.  Staying in a constant anabolic scenario will pile on the muscle and its ugly step-sister blubber.  Within a few weeks I was up 6 lbs (mostly muscle).      

Cons:  If you are involved in an activity were speed, agility, and conditioning are your greatest assets then rapid weight gain isn’t for you.  In fact, adding the weight and decreasing the cardio is a sure fire way to erode speed, agility, and conditioning.  Regardless of how it all came together my game (hockey) completely disintegrated.  My conditioning wasn’t were it should be and my extra high-speed gears were gone.  I went from being one of the best players on the ice to being a giant, heavy, immobile tool in a flash.  Some of my long time teammates actually asked me if I was sick.  No, not sick.  Just large and plodding.  Very disconcerting this was.  

In order to recover my game I had to get back to my regularly scheduled cardio.  Within a short period of time (I’m talking 5 days) all the weight I had gained was completely stripped off.  My game is much better now and I’m very happy about it!  I started my bulk at 205 lbs and I’m ending it at 205 lbs.  That is a bulk failure right there.  

So, it looks like I can’t indulge in the classic body builder bulk and maintain my game.  My new plan of action is a slow increase in mass while maintaining my conditioning level.  If anyone has any tips or advice I’d love to hear it.

Here are some pics from DanicaX’s weekend in the Burgh!  

KM and DanicaX

KM and Danicax 2

A triumvirate of truly powerful peeps!  

That isn’t alcohol in that bottle.  It’s some kind of Fairy Blend our party host whipped up.

Tiny hands delivering powerful elixirs

DanicaX loves her some tiny booty

Instead of going to a commercial gym we went to a local sporting goods store, put on their merchandise, and worked out with their equipment.

We had to test out the inversions table too.  

King Marmoset absolutely freaking loves Bodyspace and the people on here!  Having finally met one of you in the really-real world KM feels it’s his duty to report on the subject to all of you.  Here is the tale…

There is a reason why King Marmoset gets up in the morning to fight the undying zombie hordes that plague living humans.  That reason is because there are people out there who deserve a life free of zombie molestations.  People like the singularly luminescent awesomeness that is DanicaX!  

Yes, the mighty oppressor of Omaha came to Marmosetia this weekend to talk trash, punch my possessions, and abuse the good tax payers of this fair community.  Here is what was learned…

Girl is a friggin’ two-fisted cursing-out-loud maniac in the gym.  Very impressive are her intensity and work ethic.  In fact, she motivates a brotha big time to match her level of awesomeness in the gym.  Also, she does have a strange power to attract any individuals that have a misshapen soul or mind.  These people do seem to eye-ball her while she is working out.  It is very unwise to pester her when she is doing her thing.  Whoa to her native COG, mortician, and masseuse weirdo back in Omaha.  

She rolls with her suite of Gaspari narcotics and let KM try some.  Sir Marmoset has to say that the fiery blend of Super Pump and Size-on really does power a work out with something extra.  It’s unknown if it was the Gaspari narcotics or her maniac work ethic/perky bottom trotting around the gym, but KM felt like he could work out for hours.  Sadly, post work out produced a hardcore crash.  Could be the narcotics.  Could be the kick ass work out.  Could be his own weakness and stupidity  Who knows?  

She ain’t kidding about the lunges.  She is a 5th degree lunge black belt.  She was fantasizing about lunging up our local mountains.  Thank goodness the cold weather foiled that scheme.  There are unsavory giants that live on top of these hills and they’d take her usurping ways very poorly.  We can’t have that peace broken after so long.  

Her only request from King Marmoset upon arriving here, "I only want one thing - to party with a midget or person of wee stature.  Can you arrange this?"  Pics coming henceforth as they are on her camera or "soul stealer" as she calls it.  

She sleeps around 45 minutes per day.  This isn’t a joke!  King Marmoset enjoys long snoozes and a day peppered with naps.  DanicaX simply refuses to sleep.  Instead, she just sits there and watches.  A few times, KM woke up and DanicaX was making throat slashing gestures thinking he was sleeping.  Very scary!  

Her weakness seems to be closed doors.  If there are 3 closed doors in the same room she is unable to figure out which door to use.  Basement doors are particularly confusing to her.  I think it’s because she lives deep within the earth in a subterranean community that doesn’t use doors.  That is just a theory though.  

Check out her blogs and her profile if you don’t know about her.  If you get an impression that she is truly awesome I can confirm that is the case!  Hail DanicaX and hail BodySpace!!!  

King Marmoset hopes you have enjoyed learning about DanicaX.  

End of transmission… for now!

My dearest celestial bodies.  All my schemes should be coming together here shortly (2:30pm to be precise).  Here are some final clues…

King Marmoset was not the first person to post a pic of this fortune.  Someone on these very boards had a pic of it and wrote a story about it in their blog.  Thus, the saying wasn’t the clue, but the fortune itself.  Who posted the fortune and sent it to King Marmoset?

King Marmoset’s

Theirs
  

And then there are the protein/Mrs. Butterworth pics!  King Marmoset didn’t make the pancakes or supply himself with the syrup - they were sent to him!  These pics are an homage to the author of both.  The author of both had similar pics in their blog.

King Marmoset’s

Theirs

Obviously, these clues would only have meaning if you read this person’s blog.  A lot of you do read their blog so some of you have seen these things before.  That last Pac-Man pic contains a "smokin’ gun" as to whose blog KM is referencing.  

Who is the original maker of both protein pancakes?  Who sent the fortune to King Marmoset?  And what business do these mighty souls have with each other?  

8 years past, human body parts, roots, tubers, and slinky parts were assembled in a crucible made of nutrient rich clays.  Using a crude lightning rod made out of an old shopping cart, lighting (the power of the gods) was funneled into the crucible.  There, the body parts, roots, tubers, and slinky parts assembled due to bizarre alchemy with the lightning and artificial life was created!  Behold, the Homunculus that sprang forth!  

The Homunculus whizzing this way and that.

Every day hence forth the artificial life form known as the Homunculus did shape and form its own twisted personality.  One trait it was known for was to have curious hands.  Yes, curious, dirty, talon-clawed little hands that fiddled with all electronic device encountered.  One such device was the scale of Marmosetia!  

King Marmoset weighed 210 lbs on the scale of Marmosetia prior to a visit from the Homunculus, but 207 lbs afterward.  Normally, this is no big deal.  However, the King is working to reach 888lbs so the scale needs to be consistent.  Only the curious hands of the Homunculus can be responsible for this scale sabotage.  

What is the connection between the Homunculus and King Marmoset?  33 years past, King Marmoset was also created in the same fashion; in the same crucible; with lightning supplied from the same gods.  Yes, they are the brothers Homunculii!  

So far as the King’s ongoing mystery, perhaps 1 more blog of clues, but more obvious ones.  Then, the reveal on the weekend (if everything goes according to plan).  Good guesses one and all.  It is a shock to see what a lightning rod of attention Mrs. Butterworth is.

Yo-ho-ho, my gorgeousness!!!  

Behold!!  Another clue!!  

Once, in an opium den in Shanghai, an emerald tiger of an old man gave King Marmoset a fortune cookie.  The fortune said, "Work on improving your exercise routine."  

Very wise this fortune was.  Upon waking post chasing-the-dragon, the old man said, "Supercolossalapeofthefuture".  I knew this name was mine.  

Is the King trapped in the Anti-Matter universe with that delicious harlot, Mrs. Butterworth?  What man wouldn’t be seduced by her sweet ways and vicious level of fitness?  Don’t let the wholesome old lady clothes fool you.  Mrs. Butterworth gotta rockin’ body.  

More clues henceforth.