King_Marmoset!’s BodyBlog

It has taken young King Marmoset until this very day to convalesce after his armageddon conflict with the undying overlord of THE USSR!  Here is the tale!!  

Marmoset on the walls of the Kremlin

King Marmoset appeared out of the void one Saturday morning (some would say that he was still soggy with booze).  Lenin’s minions must have been tipped off by some unsavory friend of darkness that an attack was imminent (probably a monkey some beggar employed that appeared to give your handsome narrator the stink-eye).  Even the mighty King Marmoset had to wait in line for his chance at the Overlord; wait in line with actual Europeans.  It seemed King Marmoset was not alone in his thirst for vengeance.  The line was very long indeed.  

The stink-eyed monkey

Upon checking all cell phones, cameras, sabers, and nunchuks, King Marmoset was permitted to make the long walk to the tomb of Lenin.  Yes, my incredibly portioned reader, thou shalt not photograph the zombie master!  It is forbidden by orders of the Red Army their damn selves!  The long walk to the tomb was filled with great peril for there were many commie zombies buried along the red walls of the Kremlin.  All were dispatched for the sake of freedom and for living humans everywhere!  

Finally, the tomb!!  There, the Overlord was waiting for ol’ King Marmoset!  A great, great battle ensued.  Sucker punches and kidney chops were landed by both battling sides.  The tomb, the Kremlin, Red Square, and even reality itself was destroyed in the battle!  Who won?  Even King Marmoset knows not.  What is known is that upon waking up in the rubble of Moscow the authorities “obliged” with vodka for King Marmoset to rebuild everything by hand.  It took me 7 minutes to do so.  The zombie Vladimir Lenin was not to be found.  Yet, according to media reports on the Internets, it magically reappeared in its tomb the very next day.  Yes, King Marmoset knows not who won, but he gets the feeling it wasn’t him.  Dread to you, lord Lenin!!!  We shall meet again!  

The only penance for failing to slay the Overlord is to lift.  Lift hard!!  Lift with great vengeance and furious anger!!  I must be bigger.  I must be stronger.  I must seek out a great master of the weight and suffer under their cruel tutelage.  I shall travel west and seek out the singularly luminescent DanicaX.  So sayeth I, King Marmoset, now and forever!!!

The zombie of Peter the great and his bride.  I slayed them.  Note:  I built that church when I was two just to show off.

Hear ye!!  Hear ye!!  I, King Marmoset, shall now discuss what it’s like being a "body builder" (I use that term very loosely in my case) out and about in the world.  Basically, what’s it’s like to be completely out of your routine in a strange land.  If you’ve travelled before feel free to point out where I’ve misspoken and to call me an idiot.  If you haven’t traveled then still feel free to call me an idiot.    

Gyms - Just about every hotel has a "fitness room".  The web sites always show what looks to be a spacious modern gym.  Oh, how this can be such a damn lie!  Really, you never know what you are going to get until you get there.  Thus far, I’ve had one gym that was just a machine and a treadmill and another gym that was absolutely super-pimped out.  You just have to adapt.  Yes, I have resorted to lifting furniture in my hotel room before.  Curling a chair isn’t quite the same as a nice EZ bar.  Although, I find that squatting the mini-bar really sculpts the buttocks.  

Also, as far as gym etiquette goes, it’s the same everywhere I’ve been.  You can’t work out in your underwear in America and you sadly can’t do it abroad either.  The most I can seem to get away with in Russia is doing the treadmill with my pants around my ankles.  The gym managers seems to begrudgingly accepting of this.  

Food - HA!!  Do you think it’s even remotely possible to eat clean healthy foods in a place where you can not speak the language and you can’t even read a freaking menu?  When you come to a place that is super alien you just do what you can to get a good meal once in awhile.  If I find a place that has a buffet I’ll abuse it in a habitual and systematic fashion.  It’s just a fact that you’ll probably end up eating something that isn’t part of a clean diet while you are away.  Just eat it and move on.  

Hydration - A lot of places outside of America don’t drink water like we do.  Often times, you can spot an American in a foreign country because they are lugging a huge bottle of water around.  Thus, I find it hard to stay hydrated on trips like this one.  If you get water at dinner it’s generally an 8 oz bottle.  I usually drink about 40 ounces of water at a meal.  I roll a 40 ouncer no matter what I’m drinking.  

Also, if you are buying water in other countries there are two types of water - gas and still!  Gas if friggin’ carbonated water.  If you don’t specify what kind so water you want you’ll probably be getting gas water.  Feel free to now make your own "gas in water" jokes.  

Supplements - It’s shockingly hard to pack Super Pump, a 5 lbs tub of protein, and all the vitamins and crap a person takes in a day along with regular luggage.  Thus, you have to accept some supplement free time while you are gone.  And, if you think bringing powdered supps in plastic bags is a good idea to some countries think again!  Yeah, I can picture trying to explain to the Russians what the powder in clear unmarked bags is.  Of course, I’m sure the guards would snort it just be on the safe side.  In fact, a good party in Russia generally features snorting some protein, knocking back some Red Bull, and getting out the baby oil.  

Okay, enough of this jibber jabber.  Lets get back to some good old fashion Marmosetiness.  I forgot to mention this little tidbit the other day… Obviously, I thought that all of Russia is white people (basically, the typical Russian).  The first person I met in Russia was our driver.  Dude was friggin’ Asian.  I’m talking "me put pee-pee in your coke" Asian!  You see that tiny little Asian face and then that mongoloid Russian accent comes out when he says, "My name is Stanislas." That is just wrong.  Despite being "Russian" Stanislas still had one hereditary Asian trait that can’t be escaped - he was the worst friggin’ driver in this country!!!  

Lastly, tomorrow… LENIN!!!!!!  All accounts will be squared!!!  All ledgers balanced!!  Can the unstoppable juggernaut that is King Marmoset vanquish the undying overlord of the USSR?  Stay tuned, my buck teeth readers!!  

King Marmosettttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have actually been taking pics this entire time, but my stupid gay dad forgot to give me the stupid gay USB cable for the camera so they’ll have to wait until I get back.  Yeah, try going into Best Buy in Russia and getting the right USB cable.  Try even friggin’ finding a Best Buy in Russia, ya dang smarty pants!!    

Ha!!  Speaking of corporate greed mixed with good old Soviet jibber jabber, Starbucks here are called something like Republik Bucks!!  The name is written in Cyrillic mumbo jumbo, but those are the words you can make out.  I friggin’ love that.  

I’ll now tell you an amazing fact about the sexes (there are only two) here in Russia.  

Females - all girls are a mandatory 5lbs underweight here.  They only eat hot steam once per day and get all their other nutrients from cigarettes.  Their entire wardrobes consist of nothing but mini-skirts (this is actually true and not Marmoset speak).  Regardless of their profession they all wear mini-skirts.  It ain’t exactly warm here either.  Who wants to be the first to make a beaver comment?  Really, I encourage it.  

Males - Ladies and gentleman, the mullet is alive and well in Russia!!!!  No, take a few seconds to applaud reading that and come back when you’ve collected yourself.  I’m not talking the flowing mullets of 80s America.  These are kind of like baby Euro-mullets.  Just a few seedlings in the back poking out a little to let you know that the party-in-the-back is still blazing away.  I thought you’d all like to know that!  Note:  Mullet is French for mule’s tail.  That is a true story.  The friggin’ French have a word for everything.  King Marmoset in French is le Douchessoir.  Seriously!!  

Okay, on to the part you’ve been waiting for….

Yeah, King Marmost doth fly to Moscow today.  Instead of napping or eating anything but quiche he went out in search of his sworn foe.  Traveled high and low King Marmoset did until he finally came to the walls of the dreaded Kremlin and it’s cold war undead master, LENIN!!!  King Marmoset scaled the walls of the Kremlin, assailed mighty St Basil’s cathedral, took a picture of 2 monkeys who happened to be there at the time, and finally fell upon Lenin’s tomb!!  

But lo, my well muscled and possibly naked reader, justice was not served!  For the evil and undying Lenin was spared on this day.  Why?  Simply because the tomb is only opened until 3 and it was already 5!  Alas, the dread overlord of the evil empire continues on with his undead existence until Saturday (closed on Fridays).  Reports will be coming henceforth!!  

I’m taking the day off tomorrow from sight seeing.  I’m going to just chill, lift weights, and maybe buy Danica a few things.  Don’t tell her I said that though because I want it to be a secret.  

Until tomorrow, super pimps!!!!

Kiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnngggggggggg Marmosetttttttttttttttttttttttttt!!!!!!!!!!!
!

I’ve finally sobered up a bit to relay some tales of the Russ!!!  

I went to Ireland last year and was disappointed that the Irish weren’t as drunk as I wanted them to be.  The Russians are way, way drunker than I ever could have dreamed of!!!  I went to a big Russian style dinner with like 30 people tonight.  All of them had to stand up and give some long winded toasts in Russian.  You do the math on the vodka!!  These people are just lousy with alcohol!  After they get ripped they all pulled me aside and said, "Marmoset, there are no ugly women in Russia.  Vodka makes everyone beautiful."  I’ll drink to that!  

Another quirk, if there is an open door there is no being polite and letting people go through one at a time.  It’s every friggin’ man for themselves!  I imagine this is why all the older Russian broads are so tough.  Forget the Bolsheviks, WW2, and the new economy.  They are tough to survive these situations of great peril!  

Bryan and any other WW2 fans, there is a line outside the city were the Red Army held the Nazis for over 900 days.  They say you can dig anywhere in the soil and still find bones.  The friggin’ Nazis destroyed so many priceless cultural treasurers it’s not funny.  Stupid friggin’ Nazis!!  

I went out drinking with my mom last night.  If you hear this phrase out of your mom’s mouth you are in for a troublesome night, "I didn’t get a picture of you drinking that flaming shot.  You have to do another!"  

I saw a two humped camel on my way in the city.  For those of you keeping track at home, a one humper is from Africa, a 2 humper is from Asia, and a three humper is very rare.  If you manage to get 3 humps, well, you’ve had a good night!  

There isn’t one fat Russia person in this entire city.  Nor are there any muscular people.  Everyone is very slender.  They simply don’t have enough food.  Also, they never drink water like we do (the water is tainted with a parasite).  They only drink vodka.  It’s crazy.  They smoke a lot too.  And, I haven’t seen one gym yet, but that might be because I don’t know what the signs mean.  

I did see some works by Michaelangelo, da Vinci, Rembrandt, etc.  Basically, you name the famous old-school artist and I saw some of their work here.  However, their art pales to the majesty of the baby mammoths they have here.  I’m talking mummified mammoths I’ve been reading about since I was a kid.  SO. F’n. Cool!!  

This wireless blows so I’m going to knock this crap off for the night!  I’ll probably have 10 more vodkas and sleep in the fish tank in the lobby.  Nite, yinz!

The land is flat.  Not Kansas flat, but pretty damned flat!  

You ever here that Scandinavia has the lowest population density of the Western world?  That is true!!  You fly in and there are barely any houses or human structures as far as the eye can see.  This is in Helsinki too (not just out in the boonies)!  If you have ever been to Tokyo, Seoul, or Ireland you know that every single molecule of land is used in some way.  Finland is all trees and nothing.  It’s cool!  I’ll be here on vacation some day.  

The trees are all coniferous or birch.  I burned down a small forest just because I’m not nice.  

When you get off the plane, in order to get to the next plane they put skis on you.  Then, you grab onto some kind of even toed ungulate and it races you to the next plane.  I never saw this type of animal before and I know every animal that ever existed.  It looked kind of like a racing cow or maybe a reindeer with a super bitchin’ haircut.  When you want them to start running you just tap them on their ample nuts.  That is a totally true story.  Don’t question it.  

Okay, I’ve been awake for like 35 hours now.  I’ll write more my tomorrow/your tonight about Russia.  I’ll cover the gym, a 3 humped camel, the strange mammals I’ve eaten, avoiding radioactive blueberries, and so much more!!

Flying into the NYC I scanned the beaches for marine mammals - nothing!  I scanned the oceans for impending sea monster attacks - nothing!  Jeez, I thought this was the most bumpin’ town in the world.  The vigorous security frisking and oh-so-close laptop fumble didn’t brighten my day at all.  

I was scanning one of those tourist books with the protocols of behavior in Russia.  Basically, it says you will catch a disease and be a victim of violent crime no matter what you do.  It also says spitting three times is good luck over there.  We’ll see about that.  We’ll see if I get good luck when I spit in stupid zombie Lenin’s face 1-2-3 times!!  

Gotta go eat dirty food.  Peacccccccccccccce!!!

Tomorrow, King Marmoset departs for parts unknown.  Strange nutrients will be consumed.  Strange enemies will be punched in their horrible faces.  Strange friends will be made.  Strange alleyways, jails, and bathtubs will make for sleeping spaces.  Strange these times are, indeed!  

This vacation couldn’t come at a better time.  Your favorite King Marmoset has been greatly burned out by his wheelin’ n’ dealin’ in the business world.  So much so that energy for lifting boulders and fighting constrictors has been in short supply.  Simply, it sucks when something usurps your life and siphons off some of the awesomeness.  And now it’s time for a quote…

"He that attains true self perpetuating awesomeness must work hard and suffer short-term awesomeness loss."

- King Marmoset

All that is now done, my incredibly shapely reader.  It’s time to get back to pulverizing weights, high-5′n peeps, and rocking this here BodySpace from the front - to the back - to the front - what-what??  I’ve missed far too many of your blogs and I regret this deeply.  Thus, if you notice a sudden spasm of King Marmoset on your page it’s because it’s catch-up time.  

More blogs soon!  Praise be to living humans!  Curses be to the zombie hordes and their undead puppet-master, L.E.N.I.N.  So sayeth I, KING MARMOSET, now and forever!!!!!  

PS.  Sultry jungle pheromones keep me up at night.  Business must be taken care of.  The pleasure is mine!  Then, I dream of the alpha and omega.  End. Of. Coded. Message.

Sounds like a great name to a blog, doesn’t it?  King Marmoset is sad to admit it, but he has failed you, my supple peeps.  Long has King Marmoset been promising his glorious manifesto on how to "holler at bitches" on BodySpace and long has he failed to deliver.  Yes, the "hollerin’ at bitches" blog has become his own personal Chinese Democracy.  Axl Rose even wrote the forward.  

The crux of the blog "how to holler at bitches" was to lampoon some of the tactics used by lads on this site to, well, "holler at bitches".  Some of the ladies on this site have been letting young Kind Marmoset behind the scenes in regards to lads behaving badly.  KM figured he’d take it upon himself to show how "hollerin’ at bitches" should be done.  Here are some bullet points of what would have made a great blog:

The use of the words "hun, my dear, and sexay" when leaving comments on a lady’s profile.  

How to write a PM to a girl you’ve never met that will put you on the quick path to sweet and sensual lovin’.  Hint:  being a straight jabroni helps!    

The dos and don’ts of writing creepy poetry.  

When to drop the "lol im hott.  ur hott.  we shuld b hott 2gether" line.  

The tactful way to ask for nudes on the Net.  That is noodz for you people in the know, "will rep 4 noodz"!!!    

Yes, all these and more would have told you everything you needed to know about how to "holler at bitches."  King Marmoset even lined up some eye-candy to write testimonials/hate mail for your enjoyment.  Now my failure is complete and I’m sorry I didn’t deliver!!    

Note:  Yes, King Marmoset fully understands that there are times when you need to tell a girl her ass can stop the space time continuum; that there is a party in your pants and she is invited.  There is a difference between dropping a girl a compliment and straight "hollerin’ at bitches".  Hey, if "hollerin’ at bitches" is your move then just be good at it.  That is all King Marmoset is saying.    

Note 2:  For any concerned, KM’ll be turning RED next weekend and going to Russia.  You can count on some crazy ass blogs.  If you never hear from King Marmoset again then you can assume he has squared his accounts with their zombie overlord, LENIN, and lost.  Here are some quick facts about Russia.

They have 11 time zones.  

They actually have fresh water seals!  Seals that live in lakes!!!  Incredible!!    

At the turn of the 20th century, tigers could be found on the east and west of the country.  Not so anymore!  

Visitors are recommended to be vaccinated against Hepatitis, Typhoid, and rabies.  Yes, ****ing rabies!!!      

The Moscow subway doubles as a bomb shelter.  

Lenin still rules the country from an undying position.  Zombies and other abominations are all too common.  

What other damn stupid information will young King Marmoset have for you during his travels?  Stay tuned!!  

Oh, and keep an eye out for more public work-out pics/midget adventures.  DX is nigh!!  We shall ride again!!  HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!  

Oh2, it seems like the blog section of my.bodybuilding.com is gone.  That is the only way that I ever used to track people’s blogs.  If I’ve missed a blog of yours please feel free to tell me what a shit bag I am.  I didn’t mean it!!

You!!  

Yes, you!!  Do you want some more adventures of his majesty, King Marmoset, and his shapely vixen overlord, DanicaX?  

No, you say!  How about if the pics include us partying with the Easter bunny?  What if I told you the Easter bunny was at a gay club giving out eggs filled with condoms?  How about more pics of us working out in retail sporting goods stores?  All this and so much more can be yours by clicking the link below me.  Yes, I did just say, "blow me."

pics

Note:  Any ideas as to why that link isn’t hot?  Yes, that is a legitimate question by an illegitimate source.  

King Marmoset can read your minds!!  Didn’t know that, did ya?  He sends out his filthy mental tentacles all through the world to sift through your grubby brains and ferret out juicy bits of information.  Some of you should be very ashamed of yourselves (you know who you are)!  One question seems to uniformly permeate all human brains, "Why does GNC suck ripe monkey balls?".  King Marmoset believes he has answers.  

Lets establish the root of suckitude about GNC that pisses one and all off - the maniacal hard sell for anyone entering the premises.  For people like us, people with bodies being finely tuned and highly aesthetic genitalia, we don’t need the hard sell.  It’s annoying and it makes me want to marry fist with obnoxious face (often times my own obnoxious face).  What is the origin of this ridiculous counter-business hard-sell procedure?  

Once a fortnight King Marmoset showers, puts on clothes, goes out into the really-real world, and mimics being a normal person.  Today, he pretended to be a business man and met with some GNC execs.  Here is what was learned…

GNC isn’t extremely concerned with business from the fitness crowd.  Their entire pitch is geared to the first time supplement/vitamin buyer; the people who have a lot of questions and are more susceptible to their greasy sales pitch.  The savvy supplement buyer often buys their junk from the Intrawebs.  However, newbies will go to brick and mortar stores because they seek advice.  Like all good pushers, GNC gets their hooks into the vulnerable at a young age.    

This is simply an FYI from your friendly neighborhood King Marmoset!  Beware my filthy mental tentacles, my pretties.  Their reach is long and you can’t hold out your dirty secrets from their prying grasp for ever!!!  HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!