Champion Beast Battlin’
It’s every youngster’s dream to break into the lucrative trade of bare-knuckle boxing of wild animals. It’s long hard work and most youngsters never make it, but to those that do it can be very gratifying to be a champion animal battler. There is nothing more satisfying than sucker-punching a hyena after it makes some stupid wise crack or back-handing a snobby lion for getting uppity. Who wouldn’t want to met out a little street justice on a punk lion? After all, they constantly prance around the grasslands with their stupid hair cuts like they own the place. King of beasts my buck-toothed ass!
As if the satisfaction of putting low beasts in place wasn’t enough, there are cash rewards to be had for a good bare-knuckle scrap with beasts. Yes, wealthy Texas oilman have long known the rewards and pleasures of disciplining wild beasts. They pay a hefty sum to any hard working youngster who can properly administrate wild beasts. A satisfying and well paying job like this is all a junior person can ask for!
King Marmoset has battled cut-throat orangutans in Borneo, elbow dropped smut-minded tapirs in Brazil, fish-hooked innocent narwhals in Norway, wrist-locked callipigious tarsiers in Gondwanaland, and bitched-slapped abominable yetis in Nepal. KM has battled all this world has to offer and made himself wealthy on the rich cash prizes he has won. Yet, you might wonder why he still cries myself to sleep at night and occasionally wets the bed. Don’t you wonder that?
It’s because he’ll never be the greatest of all time. 11,000 years ago the ice age ended and took with it the last of the world’s great mammals. King’s glory and cash purse would be one hundred fold greater if he could have only fought it out with the glorious now extinct ice age mammals: mastodons, megatherium, smilodon, megalocerous, and many others. With these pitiful mammals we have today he’ll never be able to claim to be truly great. The honor of true greatness goes to a proto-American named Chief Runs-With-Wang who racked up 1,000 straight victories over the brutes of his day. Some say it was him that caused the great extinction such was the breadth and depth of his beastly administrations. Woe, that the King could never have the opportunity to cause such extinctions.
So, to you aspiring bare knuckle animal battlers out there, keep training. Keep hitting your local pet stores, farms, zoos, and any exotic locales you can to fight whatever beasts are on hand. Keep taking your protein shakes, vitamins, and eating right. Keep lifting boulders, climbing trees, and stopping moving vehicles. You never know when a monster will fall off the moon, some beast will time travel to today, or some ghastly creature will rise up from dark cold oceans to smote and ruin all that is shapely and luscious. Remember, King Marmoset has got dibs!!!
Actual lion with ridiculous hair cut
King Marmoset’s buck teeth
Actual Texas oil man
The luscious and shapely
November 14, 2007 at 5:52 am
Be patient KM. It’s only a matter of time my friend before they are able to clone a beast from the past using DNA from a frozen carcass… just sayin.
November 14, 2007 at 7:19 am
Stay vigilant KM, the monsters will one day return……..
November 14, 2007 at 8:59 am
The luscious and shapely are cute and all, but the buck tooth - HOTT. Keep fightin’ the good fight, I’m sure a revolution will soon be underway when galaxies collide…
November 15, 2007 at 2:39 pm
Excellent Blog ole Mighty One!! I too know the thrill of sucker punching a hyena…those sneaky bastards. I too long to do battle with the creatures of the past. I grow weary of lifting boulders and stopping cars at 40MPH!! child’s play compared to taking down a Mastodon!! KM if you could be a dinosaur which dinosaur would you choose??? As for me I would choose to be a Lickalottapuss!! The king of dinosaurs!!
November 16, 2007 at 11:26 pm
Mighty King Marmoset, the wisdom found not amongst one in four thousand hence you display in a manner which suggests solidly your many and long travels, I graciously and with great humility bestow my undying gratitude forthwhich a humble plebian must, given the class hence the bodyauditor does reside aomngst. Blessings from the almighty God himself do I most assuredly pray many an hour does which passes the number four on the darker side of each present time portion, for my leader and fearless slayer of many the beast from current days, as well from past doest whither may they come!
November 29, 2007 at 10:27 pm
I’m getting knock-kneed about adding that little 2 1/2 pound weight to either side of the barbell and this guy’s bitch slapping yetis. I can’t compete with that. Time to hit the Ben & Jerry’s and call it a night.