King_Marmoset!’s BodyBlog

Father Marmoset is too lazy and self indulgent to exercise and take care of himself.  Instead of being a kingly marmoset, he lays around all day in the dirty roots of trees looking at marmoset pornography and eating bon-bons (he claims the chocolate ones are health food bon-bons).  King Marmoset decided to devise an exercise program that lazy Father Marmoset couldn’t ignore:  daily beatings.  

Every single day for the last 7 years, Father Marmoset has caught a whippin’ most royale.  Usually, these beatings consist of getting pinned to the wall or quick belly swats.  The King figures the resistance training and being forced to raise his arms above his shoulders are a boon to Father Marmoset.  Even exercise in the form of beatings is better than nothing!  The one day in all those years a beating wasn’t administered, Father Marmoset had to go to the hospital because of chest pains.  Never again would Father Marmoset miss his scheduled beating!  

As far as defending himself against beatings, well, Father Marmoset really is defenseless.  He never listened to his son when he was lectured on lifting boulders and is now a giant slice of veal.  Tree climbing?  Never ever!  Father Marmoset is lazy and lays about at the bottom of the tree waiting for old fruit to fall to the ground.  Most shamefully, predatory snakes run amuck unfettered and unchallened in his filthy dwellings.  His pitiful attempts at fighting back are his exercise for the day.  Any wayward impacts he might land are welcomed.  They never hurt and at least he is extending his arms all the way out.  The one thing Father Marmoset does have to defend himself are long, dirty, unkept, and unclean monkey talons.  

Father Marmoset was getting pinned against the wall today for his daily exercise.  An added thigh pinch was thrown in to get him to pump his legs.  Father Marmoset was angry that his entire feet were leaving the ground.  In a rage, he used his cruel monkey talons to rip the ear of his glorious and handsome son.  Yes, my pretties, the ear of your dear narrator was besmirched in a ripping fashion on this very day.  

Let that be a lesson to all you marmosets out there trying to make your parents healthier.  The elderly are always bitter and full of hate.  Beware their monkey talons or whatever teeth they have left.  Sure, you are beating them for their own good, but they will never understand.  

So sayeth I, one eared KING MARMOSET, now and forever!!!!!!

High atop Marmosetia, on a thrown of bromeliad, King Marmoset surveys his kingdom.  Finally, there is peace between the Raptor clans and the United Marmoset League!  How this peace was attained is a story for another day, my nose gold harvesting readers, but this new found peace has allowed King Marmoset some spare brain energy to wax on everyone’s favorite subject:  lady marmosets.  

The Good:  Armed with a shiny, healthy parasite free coat, strong arms, hands and feet for firmly gripping branches or tasty insects, and a curling, writhing prehensile tail, YOUR King Marmoset sets about displaying for lady marmosets.  Being in top condition is essential for attracting disease and parasite free mates of a high genetic quality.  Lately, lady marmosets have asked the King to present his chest or posterior as part of the mating ritual.  Very strange this is, but it shows that all the boulder lifting, tree climbing, and predatory snake wrangling is paying off.  

The Bad:  Not all lady marmosets are parasite and disease free.  It’s hard to tell by looking at them, but there are tell tale signs.  Lady marmosets with a high likelihood of contamination will often make distress calls while drinking fermentation juice.  "Ballsinmouth!  Ballsinmouth!" was one the King heard repeatedly on Saturday.  One bout of simian crotch fungus could cost a young marmoset his entire kingdom.  It is wise to avoid any lady marmosets with such a distress call regardless of how enticing the offers may be.

The Ugly:  Not only does the benefit of boulder lifting attract lady marmosets, but it also attracts obviously unwanted male marmosets.  Not male marmosets seeking to usurp a territory or establish dominance, but male marmosets seeking something else…  Flattering though the male marmosets advances may be, fruitless they are.  

For any young marmosets out there who would one day like to establish a territory of their own and mate with many receptive healthy lady marmosets, keep lifting those boulders, climbing those trees, and fighting off those snakes.  Displays of health and vigour will always be their own rewards.  So sayeth I, KING MARMOSETTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT, now and forever!!!!!