KimberleyRN’s BodyBlog

There are various "types" of eating disorders, Anorexia, Bulimia, Compulsive over eating, Bulimarexia and the catchall diagnosis of EDNOS (Eating disorder not otherwise specified) This website will deal with the disorders I am personally familiar with: anorexia and bulimia or the Bulimarexia disorders. Eating disorders are not well defined, that is patients over lap their behaviors from time to time. Few are purely anorexic or purely bulimic. Some began as a compulsive over eater, went on to bulimic tendencies and then vacillate between anorexia and bulimia. Not all are secretive, many embrace their disorder and consider it one thing they are in control of, not realizing the disorder that is controlling them, and patients will often discuss their behaviors with other patients and seem to be bragging about weight loss tips and strategies.

There is definite euphoria present when an ED patient is discussing their ED if they are not ready for recovery. I believe forcing treatment is necessary to save lives on occasion, however I feel it is rarely effective unless the patient decides to change their thought patterns.

Anorexia~ literally means "no appetite" which is deceiving, hunger is felt and denied to the emaciation. Purgatives (laxatives, vomiting, diuretics or excessive exercise) are used to meet the unrealistic ideal the anorexic has set as an ideal for her (some men are effected, Not as many though) Most are diagnosed after weeks to months of self starvation.

Symptoms: low body weight, hirsutism (fine, downy hair on the face), absence of menses, and 20% below "normal" body weight, fatigue, restrictive food choices, insomnia, cold intolerance, obsession with food content, calories or fat grams. Frequent weight checks, knows their weight to the ounce, muscle weakness and easy bruising.

Physical tolls: Severe electrolyte imbalances lead to heart dysrrhythmias or death), absence of food intake can lead to paralytic ileus, the colon will stop working and that can lead to colostomies. Muscle wasting can lead to severe kidney damage and chronic renal failure.Chronic lethargy and dizziness lead to inability to tolerate physical exertion. Cold intolerance lead to wearing heavier clothing than temperature dictates. Dehydration causes headaches and sunken in appearance of eye sockets. Teeth will become loose in their sockets.

Bulimia~ persons with Bulimia will consume food (at times large quantities) and then purge. Oftentimes they will binge-purge repeatedly resulting in major health risks. Secrecy leads to anxiety and fear of disclosure. Most are near normal body weight and may go undiagnosed for several years, by which time serious behavioral modification programs are needed.

Symptoms: binge/purge cycles, use of diuretics or laxatives for weight control.

Physical tolls: Esophageal rupture, stomach ulcers and electrolyte imbalances that lead to cardiac complications or death.Broken vessels from vomiting cause blood shot eyes, petechia around eyes and cheeks (petechia is like a faint rash that is not raised), chronic vomiting causes sore throats and hoarse voice. Erosion of tooth enamel resulting in more cavities and foul breath.

Bulimarexia~ persons with Bulimarexia have a combination of Anorexic and Bulimic behaviors. Studies are showing a drastic rise in this disorder. Many are on the "thin" side however do not look emaciated and may not be diagnosed until behaviors are ingrained.

Symptoms: They will vacillate between anorexic and bulimic behaviors with periods of remission between regressions.

Physical tolls: Same as for the above disorders, ultimately death.

Women who experiment with eating disorders for even a short time can have increased risks for miscarriages, osteoporosis and cause permanent damage to liver, kidneys and heart.

Who is at risk for eating disorders?

Eating disorders do not discriminate, the occur most frequently in women, however men tend to have a higher fatality rate. Socioeconomic lines are crossed although anorexia affects a larger amount of those in the middle to upper class levels. Young pre-pubescent girls are the typical patient. Low self esteem, media bias toward unhealthy weight goals and various stresses in a young persons life can precipitate ED’s. Some common similarities in stresses are abusive home life, incest, perfectionist parents, over critical mothers, absent or unapproachable father figures, feeling out of control of their lives. Desire to please all adult figures, desire to look like the supermodels and movie/TV personalities. Take the following poll to see if you may be affected:

Answer YES or NO to the questions below.

Do you feel out of control when you eat?

Do you feel in control when you don’t eat?

Do you feel you do not deserve to eat?

Do you have an intense fear of gaining weight?

Do you believe you are fat even though others tell you different?

Do you use diet pills or laxatives to control your weight?

Do you feel guilty after eating?

After eating, do you use purgatives or self induce vomiting?

Do you binge if you are feeling sad, mad, bored, lonely etc?

Do you feel food and weight are the only things that you can control?

Do you tell yourself that you are ugly, fat, worthless etc.?

Do you avoid social gatherings or meals because of food?

Are you ashamed of your eating habits?

Do you think about food constantly?

Do you exercise excessively to lose weight?

Do you believe you will be happier if you lose weight?

Do you get angry with people if they ask you about your eating habits or weight loss?

Are you secretive about what you eat or do not eat?

Do you have a need to be perfect?

Do you lie about your weight loss and make efforts to hide it from others?

Do you constantly think about food, calories and recipes?

Do you weigh yourself daily?

Have you ever lost more than 10 pounds in a month and considered it a good thing?

Are you unable to enjoy a food item if you do not know the calorie or fat content?

Do you think that you may have an Eating Disorder?

If you have answered YES to four or more of the following questions you may have an Eating Disorder or one may be starting. I would strongly urge you to discussing matters with your health care provider, therapist or someone who specializes in eating disorders. Also consider talking to a close friend or family member who may help lead you in the right direction to get help.

What now?

If you or someone you know is struggling there is hope and help. Eating Disorders are not only about body image; they are about control. Many patients started life out with major stresses that led to their disorder. Some stresses are incest, abuse, feeling inferior, perfectionist tendencies, being called ‘chubby’, having a mother or father that is critical of their own weight. Your typical Anorexic, for example will be an excellent student, respectful of adults, outgoing personality and all around great kid. The Bulimics fall into the stereotype of less than perfect school performance, addictive lifestyle choices such as promiscuity, alcohol/drug issues and less respect for authority. The Bulimarexia patient will fall somewhere in between the other two disorders. We know far less about this disorder due to the newer onset.

In order to deal with the eating issues, we must deal with the preexisting issues. That can take time, the patient may not even be aware of why they started this behavior. It took me years to finally understand the trigger that started my journey. If you think this issue is affecting a loved one, get professional help. We are unable to treat those we love, however we can work in conjunction with others to be a vital part of the behavior management team!

Eating Disorders are not like alcoholism or drug addiction, we have to eat to survive! With other addicting behaviors the patient can safely stay away from the offending behavior forever. Alcoholics take one drink and they are "off the wagon" We cannot stay away from food, which is our offending behavior focus! We have to eat and learn to eat in a healthy style. This makes it extra difficult to combat the diseases!

My hope:

I have found strength and balance through spiritual growth. I have learned that "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me". It is not easy, In fact, just when it seems the disorder is "gone" I realize I let my guard down and am once again battling.

I am one of the lucky ones, I found a husband who loves me no matter what size I am. I found a church body that loves me and prays for me whenever I need it. I have been able to have four children and stay healthy despite the kidney disease that this disorder brought to me.

Caution: Do not try to talk a patient out of the disorder! Make NO comments about the patient’s weight ESPECIALLY when they start to gain it back! I was doing great until an innocent comment was made about how "great" I looked after having my fourth child. My silly brain triggered the feeling of "well, if this looks great 10 pounds less be will even better". Comments of "You are too thin" lead to thoughts of "they are just jealous" they want me to be fat. Offering food is not recommended, nor is making comments about eating! This is why you need professional direction to help patients with eating disorders!

If you have further questions, PM them to me and I will respond to you personally, kimberley

My family life was as you would say, out of the ordinary, however I was unaware of that until I left home. I had no idea we were poor, I did not realize the dysfunction of my life until I could look back and see the problems therein. One could presume this ignorance gave me an "ignorant bliss’…I was not blissful, I was a melancholy child, prone to being very shy, I tried to be invisible and not draw untoward attention to my self. I had been abused physically, emotionally and sexually from a very early age. The realities I found myself exposed to created in me the perfect foundation for some type of disorder, I chose the eating disorders… I distinctly recall looking with great disdain at my mother, she was short and quite round…I recall asking her If she thought I would grow up to be fat…Her innocent reply set off my Journey. The reply was "If it is in your blood to be fat, you will be fat" I looked at her and several of my blood relations and seeing as they were exceptionally large, I just "knew" my fate was sealed. I was determined then and there that I would rather die thin than live as a fat person. I remember laying in bed at night, begging God to ’show’ me the way I would look when I was REALLY old,(the age I thought was REALLY old was 33). I prayed and begged to have God promise me that I would never be fat… I was able to skip meals quite easily, my parents did not get up to see us off to school, so breakfast was not monitored. At school if I slipped into the library for lunchtime reading nobody seemed to notice. When at home I could say I was going to a friend’s home for supper and once there, I would comment on the large supper I had at home…Nobody seemed to notice, or to be overly concerned about my size. In 8th grade I was measured for gym class…I was taller than even most of the boys at that age…5′8" and I weighed 85#. Nobody seemed concerned about my size, so I went on deluding myself that thin was a good thing. I was active in sports, Track & Field,Karate club, Ballet classes at school…all these brought me close to adults who could have seen, but for one reason or another did not say anything.

In 9th grade I began experimenting with Bulimia, ironically it was after Karen Carpenter’s death that I first heard that these behaviors could be deadly. I saw my disorder as a "sport" I could eat pizza, chips or ice cream and then moments later throw it up and never gain weight. I was terribly impressed with my cleverness…I would get a "runner’s high" after purging. I would never consume more than a "normal" serving, so I did not really fit the typical stereotype of a bulimic…but I was purging on a fairly regular basis. Then the irregular heartbeats began, I did not know they were something to be concerned about and I never told anyone about them. I also would get very dizzy as I stood up to go from class to class…I hid that also. I was never quite warm enough and took to wearing my winter coat during classes, I would wear 2 pair of jeans over long john’s and still be cold. I had terrible insomnia…and my menstrual cycle was late to start. I did not go through puberty along with the rest of my friends…my teeth were loose in their sockets from the dehydration. I began having very sore sides and mid back pain in the mornings. My mom thought I had kidney infections and told me to drink more water.

I began having real food aversions and fears of eating in public places. Irrational thoughts dominated my thinking. For example, I would have a rapid pulse and racing thoughts as I would look for food to eat. Hunger gnawed at me, yet as I opened cupboards and looked at the foods there I was doing mental calculations regarding each choice…as in fat grams and calories. It was often easier to not eat at all than to be burdened with the guilt that ravaged me after eating more than 200 calories or 3 grams of fat at a time. I completely avoided saturated fats, red meats, and creams or butters. I knew I could only have those if I purged afterward and it was at times difficult to find a safe purging area…Although I did get quite clever, taking walks and using a neighbors trash can, using the large cup from fast food restaurants to then hold the contents of my stomach. I also had the irrational fears that I would somehow catch "obesity", I could not stand too close to a "fat" person, would not eat in a restaurant if there were fat folks there eating. I thought…"she is eating enough for both of us" I would lose my appetite, but the hunger was there…I realize that doesn’t make sense, How can you have no appetite but still feel hungry?? The hunger pains I found would go away after 3 days of severe food deprivations. I took to chewing crushed ice sprinkled with salt to take the hunger pangs away. I could live on a head of lettuce salted and a container of yogurt for a week. I even took to chewing food then spitting it out to just get a taste of stuff. I constantly had gum in my mouth…It made me feel less hunger for some reason.

My weight was not as alarming as I neared my 20’s I was then 5′10" and usually weighed near 120#. I was slender but not emaciated. I still had the irregular heart beats, side pains in the morning and the cold intolerance that I had when at my lowest weight. I began using the Bulimic binges to erase emotional pain. I imagined the food to be absorbing all the negativity in me, then as I purged I believed all the bad feelings were being purged as well. There is a physiological response to purging,the endorphin rush that naturally occurs made me believe all the more that this was an effective way to handle stress. I certainly had life stressors.

I married a man that I did not love after being told by the love of my life to have an abortion, I figured if I just got married and gave my baby a father all would be okay…Soon, though I realized this man could not love me the way a husband should love a woman, he was homosexual and only married me to show his parents a "normal" looking family structure. During this marriage my Bulimia got out of control and during the pregnancy of my 2nd child I was not keeping food down at all. I joined a support group and only learned new more efficient ways to purge. Not all people get helped in a helpful environment …One has to be ready to get helped, not be forced to be there. I saw ladies skinnier than myself and then deluded myself that I was not as bad off as them, or I would see heavier ladies and get paranoid that I would look like them if I did not keep up the behaviors. As I look back to this time of my life, I have to believe I was for a time mentally ill. My thoughts were so irrational, so mixed up and sound so "crazy" to me now.

I eventually was divorced by my husband and then went to nursing school so I could then provide for my 2 sons. I met my best friend in college, his name is Chris and he is now my husband. He loves me and knows everything about me. He accepts me as I am, not as I look. He holds me accountable, he does not pretend to understand the thinking of a ED patient…I can not understand it so how can I expect anyone else to? He understands my heart, my beliefs and my faith…this is the greatest gift God has ever given to me. I made a verbal contract with him in college that I would not binge/purge anymore…after my little heart attack scare. I was able to keep my word to him over 15 years with out a relapse, mostly due to my great respect and admiration of him. I can not imagine having him look at me with disappointment or regrets.

A jump to the Diagnosis…I was eventually going to suffer from the life I had chosen. I have had 5 miscarriages between having 4 healthy babies. I was diagnosed with chronic renal failure (IgA nephropathy) and will never be able to undo the damage to my kidneys. While in nursing school at the age of 28 I had a heart attack, minimal damage was done, but that pretty much made me realize what I was doing to myself. I do not know what the future holds for me, I only know that with God and my husband behind me, I can make the best out of the time I have left. I encourage all who either suffer with an ED or who know someone with an ED to seek the help of a good support person, pray fervently and get yourself grounded in Christ, He is the great Physician and is there for all who ask!

Seems to me that finally after a month of hitting the weights regularly, I am getting back to the point where on my ‘rest’ days I MISS the weights.

 I started a new exercise on Saturday and could only do 2 sets of 10 reps on the deep squats aka ATG squats. I only used the 20 pound DB’s in each hand. Even though I used this ridiculously low weight and minimal reps (because of a strange twinge in my left outer knee), I STILL feel it. I am sold on this routine.

I have seen a 2 pound increase on the scale. I know it must be muscle and that makes my heart soar!

I also started on Optimum 3’s CLA 1000mg three times a day with my larger meals.

I am excited for Dec 15th to come and for me to take new pics. I am going to wear the same 2 piece as I did in my before pics.

I am very glad to have found bb.com and enjoy the OV35 forum so much!

To show how the ‘girls’ have grown up over the past  years I submit this more recent photo…

Well… the consultation went VERY well… I only had to pay 50 bucks today… the rest is payed to the PS the day before surgery… at least her part the hospital/surgical center will bill me seperately.
*************************DRUMROLL PLEASE!!!

She measured me so many ways and said that the measurements are the same as many women that NEVER had children… she asked me if I was a “strict bra person” and I said… only when pg or lactating which has been a lot! 12 years of lactation and 4 full term pregnancies!
She said that was probably why my breasts are still shaped nicely, she then explained that AFTER surgery I must not wear under wire bras and that going braless was preferred to “tight bras”…She was pleased at the depth of my research and said that I was up to date with the latest treatment modalities ie: Accolate and Vitamin E after Augmentation to avoid capsular contraction, Bromelain and Arnica Montana 30x for bruise reduction and inflammation prevention.

I told her about www.implantinfo.com and that is where I got most my information from she is going to look into it.It was only mildly creepy being felt up by a woman.  

I was sweating bullets before she came in. I was nervous doing the “before” shot, she assured me that the day before surgery (or a week before) she will take nice pics. I am a bit self-conscious about my withered right forearm and my lack of muscle tone from not being able to work out with a dang cast on!I have 5 months to get ready.

I am so excited! Dh is excited and I called my cousin in Illinois and SHE is excited for me!Can I get a Hallelujia??!!