Kikirose’s BodyBlog

My cruise is 8 weeks away and I’m not content with my progress. I wanted to be so much smaller by then. I wanted to be shopping in "normal" stores instead of plus-size stores by now. I have gotten down to size 18 pants and in some normal stores I can get into the XL shirts, but I am not where I wanted to be by now. Maybe I’m just impatient; I know that 1-2 lbs a week is a good rate of progress, but I feel like it is going painfully slow: I am losing like 5 lbs a month or even a little less than that. That is not what I wanted or want for myself.

I know what I can do to make it better, I just have to do it. I have not given this as good of an effort as I can. I mean, I am proud of myself because I am so much more fit today then I was when I started. I can walk all day and not have the need to "find a bench", like today at Musikfest I was even going up hills and I was the fastest walker of my group. However, I am recently finding myself procrastinating to go shopping for healthy foods, letting myself wait until I’m hungry and then finding the most convenient food. I’m still making somewhat healthier choices than before and staying within my calories for the day, but the food is still crap and the lack of planning is hurting me. I am also letting myself get away with not going to the gym or not working out more and more. I have even been allotting 200-300 calories a day for candy from my coworker’s candy bowl! Bad Monique! 

I don’t want my progress to slow to a stop or even reverse, so I have once again decided to make a stand.

Tomorrow I am buying healthy food and cooking it in bulk so I can freeze it in portions and have food on hand when I leave for work. I promise myself to go to the gym either before or after work (Retro or work gym) every weekday. I am planning my eating ahead of time on Sundays for the next 8 weeks so that I know exactly what is going into my body ahead of time. There will be no candy or refined carbs in my diet. The only exception will be Saturday, which is my cheat day. It’ll be hard but I want to do this for myself. I want to feel like I gave my all so I don’t feel disappointed when the time comes to step on the boat.

I’ve gotten over my fear of the gym. For 3 weeks now, I have gone to the gym all by myself several times and I didn’t have a panic attack, I didn’t get stared at, I didn’t get shamed out of the gym because I was too fat, or whatever I thought was going to happen. Nobody cares what you are doing, they are worrying about themselves. Intellectually I knew this, but I was still afraid.

I’m happy about my new progress because I felt like a shut-in in my apartment doing weights and never leaving the house but to go to work. I’m want to start treating the gym like a second job, as though I absolutely must go there just like my first and actual paying job.

When I was 22, I got in a really bad car accident and was scared to drive and scared to leave the house for a while. Fear will not control me anymore. When I was in that accident, I weighed 230lbs. I want desperately to get back to that weight because it was right after Dan and I moved in together and before the accident I was happier and I felt comfortable in my body and after the accident is when I started treating my body like it was the enemy –maybe because of all the bruises and injuries limited me for the first month or so afterwards. I feel like if I get to that weight, I will get the 5 years back that I wasted living a limited life. I know I can’t really get the time back, but I can put the past in the past and move on.

I want to do this by the 15th of June.

Since I started, the weekdays are easy and structured and I have no trouble staying with my diet, but on the weekends is when I’ve been self-sabotaging by eating crap and sometimes drinking to destress and on Monday I am very disappointed when I weigh myself and I regained the 2 pounds lost during the week.

My new corrective action that I plan to take is to review my goal on Fridays and talk about it with people I care about so I can remind myself why I worked so hard on the weekdays and why I should continue working towards my goal at all times. Eating something that I will enjoy for ten minutes is not worth it when I will feel like crap afterwards because of heartburn or it clouds my brain with sugar or grease and then I feel guilty when it’s time to check my progress.

Sometimes when I feel like crap and feel like I don’t want to breathe or move, let alone lift or exercise, I look at a picture of someone who has the body I want and I ask the question: "How did she get where she is and how did I get to where I was at 270lbs?"

The answer:

Diet: I ate junk food, I ate junk out of the vending machine, I thought that coffee and a humongous donut were breakfast, I practically existed on fast food like McDonald’s and Arby’s and knew the faces of everyone who worked there, I ate everything on my plate even when I was full, I ate at buffets whenever I could, I could go weeks without having a vegetable or a real fruit, I never planned ahead for my meals and just bought what I found in the vending machines, I ate when I was bored or tired or angry or sad or happy, I drank tons of calories in coffees with extra cream and sugar or tall mocha latte whatevers, I thought soda or diet soda were a good substitute for water, I ate in the middle of the night after I got out of work and had a "fourthmeal" that consisted of hundreds of calories I didn’t even need, even when I was on weight watchers I ate lots of crap but very small portions of it, when eating out I ate everything from the bread to a salad with dressing to every morsel on my plate and dessert even when I was so full I thought I was going to explode, I got mad at my bf and my best friend when I was hungry and they weren’t or when I thought it was "time to eat" and they said they were not hungry and I would be angry and say "what does hunger have to do with eating? it is time to eat", on the weekends we would plan our days around where we wanted to eat instead of what we wanted to do, I ate mindlessly in front of the TV and didn’t pay attention to what went in my mouth, one time I decided to count the calories of a day where I was not watching what I ate and it topped 3,000 calories, I felt left out if there was cake or donuts at work and I didn’t get any and I would get upset about it, there are too many more to keep writing it here.

Activity: I slept more than 10 hours every day, I sat (and still sit) on my butt at work answering calls, I laid down on the couch before and after work and play Bejeweled on my blackberry, I watched tv for hours at a time, I played video games like WOW on the PC for up to 8 hrs at a time, I joked with my bf about believing in "least action"–a euphamism for expending as little energy as possible when doing a task and I really did practice it, I had gym memberships that just drained my bank account and didn’t get used (still working on this because I work out at home instead of my gym), on the weekends I found every bench and every chair and every place I could sit when walking around our favorite places to go, I talked myself out of going to a store or a mall because I would have too far to walk, I sat on the pc and read all the websites that tell me what to eat or what exercises to do to get thin and then ignored all their advice, I laid on the couch feeling bad for myself for having hypothyroidism and thinking I am fat because of my glands, I laid on the couch or in bed fantasizing about lifting weights or losing weight and how everybody will be so amazed at my transformation, I avoided looking in the mirror and seeing how bad my weight had gotten and I avoided stepping on the scale because I didn’t have to face it if I didn’t know, I got depressed and sad when shopping for new clothes and I had to go a size up but I didn’t do anything about it, I stayed at home and whined about how I can’t go out because I am too big and people will look at me and judge me and I longed to go to a park and walk or ride a bike like when I was a kid (I am still working on this because I still feel like I am being judged and I am trying to get over it), I sat or laid down for so many hours of the day that my muscles ached to be used and I was constantly uncomfortable because my body wanted to move, I told myself that my life will start when I lose weight or when I get a new job or when I get married or when I move to a new town, etc.

How did the chick with the awesome body get where she is: She had a sound diet and watched what she ate and drank and planned ahead, and she lifted weights and did cardio and she did it consistently until she got the results she wanted. She controlled her diet and her actions and used them to get where she wanted to be, instead of laying around whining about why she doesn’t have the things she wants.

The moral of the story: I know what I did to get to 270lbs, I know how to get to where I want to be, I just have to do it. Wishing and whining and crying and fantasizing did not get me there, but effort and vigilence will. I know this, I lived it, I now have to use my knowledge to get what I want.

My birthday is in less than two weeks, May 9th. Originally, when I started working out regularly, I set a goal to weight 230 by my birthday but it doesn’t look like it’s going to happen. However, I am going to give it a little extra push between now and then because we’re going to NYC and staying overnight and I know how much walking I will have to do that weekend. These two weeks, I am going to concentrate on walking in addition to my lifting and hopefully there will be a little extra weight loss in addition to increased endurance.

Also, this last week I cheated a couple times on my healthy eating plan, these two weeks will see NO fried food at all. Fried food makes me feel like crap anyway.

Today is the start of my self-dubbed 6 Month Body Makeover! On October 4th I will be going on a Cruise to the Caribbean!! This will be my second cruise ever, the first one was in October 2007 and I was 250ish lbs and I felt awful and fat when I wanted to feel sexy. After the cruise I gained 20 more lbs in the last year and I was to the point where I felt so terrible I was sure I was bound for diabetes or something with how hard it was to walk for more than 20 minutes anywhere. I decided to do something about it and so far I have lost those 20 lbs, but I don’t want to go on the cruise and feeling crappy again. I want to feel fit and sexy and I want to have fun with my boyfriend and my best friend and have no trouble walking from place to place. My goal is to be swimming(not literally, lol) in the clothes that I wore on my last cruise and buy all new clothes and feel so much better about myself.

So for my 6 Month Body Makeover, I have decided it is time to get really serious. On the weekend, I will eat healthy at the restaurants my bf Dan and I go to, I will add cardio to what I have been doing already-2 times a week, I will stay within 1600-1800 calories per day, I will weigh myself every week and record it here on bb.com, I will eat more vegetables!! And when I am done I will put together a slideshow of my progress to keep me motivated for the next 50+ lbs!!

 Starting weight of 6MBM: 250lbs, size:2X shirts or 20 pants.

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