six weeks out

Silence is Golden …..and Silence Could be The Answer

I have to say that one of my faults is that I ask to many questions - this is part and parcel to being a former Emergency Trauma RN. It comes with the territory - you need to ask many many questions in order to get to the crux of the problem. In my 21 years as an RN ; all RN’s including myself learned as detectives do - the art of communication, and art of interpreting deception from clients. All to often- patients would come to the ER, histrionic telling tall tales, but then actually lying about what they are really there for.

This can be detriment; to their treatment in the long run. Getting back to me asking a lot of questions; as a nurse that is my nature, a part of who I am. When I get silence, avoidance, as well as distant behavior; this can be interpreted as a ruse. The silence; speaks volumes, and the delay in response only gives meaning that more time is needed to "create" an answer. I know that I don’t live up to the expectation of others- in general, however I live up to myself

After all has been said and done – I can honestly say that I have lived my life to the fullest extent. I would not change anything – as each step we take is a learning process. Lesson learned; as I always say. The only regret that I do have and would have changed if I could – would be my parents passing – both – were taken away from me 4 months apart from each other.

These last several weeks – have been very trying, emotionally, physically and mentally. Training for a show – permits you to look deep inside yourself – and perhaps find that person, that you once were. You sort of lose yourself – your mind is constantly wrapped up in yourself, with dieting, training and wondering whether or not you will be that 100% that you desire. Sometimes everything gets tossed to the side not in a mean and cruel way- its just circumstance. You need to have that support- from your loved ones – they keep you on track when you falter, if not supportive – you will eventually be ever so slowly circling the drain.  

Through this process – I have learned a lot. Especially about people. You don’t really know who they are until something happens, be it life changes, job loss, or any other serious issue that can come about. True colors do come out, and when they do, be wary. These colors can bite you like a rabid dog, and can leave unimaginable scars, that hopefully heal, with time.

Sometimes, the unknowing can be shielded by deception.  We are all familiar with that. What I truly do not understand is what makes an individual sway to the dark and cold side of “trickery.” This ultimately affects all, and is a scar that just doesn’t go away, but will in due time.
Even if explained, there is always that hidden voice that keeps you wondering, sort of like a dull ache in your tooth.

I certainly have my faults, and wholeheartedly admit to them, I can be somewhat hyper, always in need of getting things done before other things are added to me never-ending “to do” list. I sometimes run around like “a rat in the maze”- this comes from being single for a very long time- and always having to fend for myself. I was a single Mom, with 2 small children and essentially no family, other then my children.

I did the best that I could – always trying to be prepared – I am a big planner – and feel the need to have things in place before going on for example a trip, a family outing etc. My kids use to call me “super Mom” because of how organized I was. I would never turn anyone away that needed my help – I was always there – I used to be called the “fixer- upper” and most of my friends always called me to fix problems, issues, etc etc.

I never lost site of myself – and was always honest and caring to friends, co workers, lovers etc. I never played emotional head games – always wanted issues up front and out in the open. It’s so much easier that way- lying can some how get you in trouble along the way – eventually it comes out – some way some how.

Though it all, I have grown into a different person, gone is that individual that walked around with her eyes closed. I am very much aware of my surroundings. Bodybuilding is a lonely sport….and left me with a lot of time…to ponder and think …as I lift the iron.

My BF% is currently 5.6 % - 7 weeks out from:( the show

Due to the snow and theres lots of t where I live - Azi and I decided to stay home - where its WARM AND TOASTY-Just finished cooking dinner for us - I was supposed to wake him at 5- he needs to get some sleep - talk later

We are westing and wewaxing 

Well as you all know I am eight weeks out from the Arnold Amateur- Azi’s workouts are geared to avoiding my L4-5 tear - I am bring up the legs as you can see from the photos. Not to happy with my BF its 8.6%- I feel much to low @ eight weeks out -UGH
I took these measurements at the end of the day - not really a good idea- in fact my weight and BF is probably a little lower
Not bad for a scrawny Biotch as someone once said to me LOL- and this was coming from 180 pounder - why is it when your Fat - you dont like thin people - I could never figure that out - I was Fat - and I was thin- I like everybody - LOL

Weight-127
Body Fat- 8.6%
Chest - 35
Waist- 26.5
Hips- 36