Personal Training
So my girlfriend just sent me this little blurb and I found it quite entertaining. Enlightening actually- I always wondered what was going through the heads of people that I trained and never came back… Enjoy.
Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of
personal training at the local health club for me. ,Although I am still in great
shape since being a high school cheerleader 43
years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named
Brad, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model
for athletic clothing and swimwear. My daughter seemed pleased with my
enthusiasm to get started!
The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Brad waiting for me. He
is something of a Greek god - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling
white smile. Woo Hoo!! Brad gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I
enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class
after my workout today. Very inspiring!
Brad was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching
from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a
FANTASTIC week-!!
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Brad
made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put
weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the
full mile. Brad’s rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!!
It’s a whole new life for me.
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter
and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in
both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn’t try to steer or stop. I
parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
Brad was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club
members. His voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when
he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt
when I got on the treadmill, so Brad put me on the stair monster. Why the
heck would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete
by elevators? Brad told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
He said some other crap, too.
THURSDAY :
Brad was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin,
cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn’t help being a half an hour late.
Brad took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and
hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny witch to find me.
FRIDAY:
I hate that Brad more than any human being has ever hated any other human
being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little
$#@*. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain,
I would beat him with it.
Brad wanted me to work on my triceps. I don’t have any triceps! And if you
don’t want dents in the floor, don’t hand me the dang barbells or anything
that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed
on a health and nutrition teacher.
Why couldn’t it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir
director?
SATURDAY :
Brad left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice
wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing him made me want to
smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even
use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather
Channel.
SUNDAY :
I’m having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and
thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my
daughter (the little snot) will choose a gift for me that is fun –like a
root canal or a hysterectomy.
May 30, 2008 at 5:38 pm
ROFLMAO, I didn’t get my Stepmom a week at a gym, but after a week doing "excercises" with me she hated me, lol. She told me never to "entice" her like that again, lmao.
May 30, 2008 at 5:51 pm
Funny for sure: Very true as well. Trainers, many times, do not understand this fact: It’s a marthon, not a sprint.
May 31, 2008 at 5:28 pm
LOL FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANTASTIC! I think clients don’t realize it’s a marathon, not a sprint, and expect results too quickly, or that some trainers push too much too quickly. Though my trainer (aka hubby) doesn’t feel it’s a good workout if I haven’t mentioned that I hate him during an exercise lol though it’s always followed by a "thank you."
May 31, 2008 at 7:15 pm
Funny stuff!