A change of opinion
It kind of bothers me to say this, but the nagging feeling has finally won out. I think that the time I’ve spent learning Jiu-Jitsu has sort of put a different opinion in me of where I am and what I want.
I have been experiencing a rash of depression that I had thought was the onset of the normal melancholy that falls on me every autumn. Its truly annoying, let me tell you, and it was causing a substantial amount of stress in me. So much that I experienced a constant stress fever that drove my roomate to seek a warmer climate because of the amount of air conditioning I was using to keep myself cool.
Anyway, in the past few days I have decided to quit the dojo I’m at now and move on. I was really confused as to why I had decided this above and beyond realizing that the amount of time (15 hours) spent going to and from there was more than I was working or in class, and most of that is travel time. So it was diminishing. This however, was not the answer.
I was also concerned: turns out that their fight team is sponsored by a head shop, something that I find a little hypocritical. As far as I’ve learned, martial arts of any stripe are always an improvement in the body mind and spirit, and that lifestyle does not particularly contribute to any of those aspects. (Nothing against stoners–I just don’t think a dojo should be supported by a head shop.)
As I thought about it, I realized that my issue was more in the word than anything. School is what they always called themselves, but I keep saying dojo. I realize that this points to me wanting to be traditional. Not to mention a lot of time in jiu-jitsu I would be staring across at the traditional kenpo class that was going on on the other mat. This marks me deeply.
I realize that my ideal goal is to get back to training with sensei, and that this has never been about winning or losing for me. This was something that was rather emphasized there. It’s always been a matter of learning myself, control, and spiritual building, not a win. I’m not in this to be a tough guy, and I realize how much of an MMA poser I’ve been over the past few months.
I really, deeply am a traditionalist. Perpetuating the traditions of the old days is within me more than anything. I realize this becuase of something I wrote: in reimagining Dante’s Hell from "The Inferno", I placed the second worst sin in the world as betraying tradition, right before betraying the self. That, then, is a straight up indication and I believe I should take heed.
Thus, I am banishing this idea of me fighting MMA. Though it may still happen, it’s definitely not what I’m focused on. Point sparring may not be as exciting, but I do enjoy it. It is a very good thing for me, and lets face it, I’m not in it to win, I’m in it to learn the old ways, to connect with the part of me that still wanders the battlefields of the past, to find the place I held in the past and hopefully that will lead me one day to where I am to be in the present.
I want to thank ElvisC, SenseiD, MMAFanatic and Kevin_Mattison on here for a lot of inspiration. They’re truly committed to their goals and I wish I was half as determined as they were. I will be one day. For now, I need to find myself a proper Dojo and get back where I belong.
