Being Jaded611

Why is there always a guy at the gym with big muscles (and a little brain) who gives you his crappy, unsolicited advice?  Why is there always someone who assumes you have no clue about your environment and proceeds to talk to you like a 5 year old?  

I may be 208 lbs and obviously I don’t look like a bodybuilder…yet.  But when I go into the gym, I go with a plan.  I know what I’m doing, how many, and for how long.  I don’t need a personal trainer in my face in order to push myself when I feel like giving up.  That person walking around with the "deer caught in the headlights" look is not me.  There’s a sense of purpose written on my face, and when I walk into all the grunts and sweat, it’s MY game time.

What happpened:

JoeShmoe Bodybuilder: (working on his last set on the pec deck machine with 90 lbs.  Gets up, and moves to the machine directly next to it).

Me: (Check the weight, it’s exactly what I want, so I let it be and begin to adjust the grips).

JSBB: (smirking) Um…honey?  You left the weight at 90 lbs. You may want to lower that.

Me: (Feign surprise, and then plaster my fake smile on my face) Oh!  You’re right!  The weight is wrong….(go and change the weight from 90 lbs to 100 lbs.  Do 5 sets of 5 perfectly).

JSBB: (Looks surprised and then tries to save face)  You really shouldn’t lift that heavy.

Me:  Um honey? You’re struggling there, do you need to me spot you? (big ol’ smile on my face again).

JSBB: (Scrambles off and goes to the far side of the gym)

Keep your condescending, preconceived notions to yourself!  I’m not here to lift 3 lb dumbbells, or here to sweat to the oldies.  I’m here to get my game on.  Don’t presume to know me, or my limitations.  I will ALWAYS prove you wrong!

While I was riding on an empty bus this morning, another 5am workout marked by shaky muscles, the word ‘grit’ popped in my head. Someone told me that I had grit not too long ago and I laughed it off, not one to take compliments graciously. It danced in my mind, intertwining itself with visual images of this journey I’m on.  Do I really have grit?

Yeah, I have grit.  Grit is waking up every morning at 4:30am to be at the gym by 5am, even when I haven’t slept very well the night before.  Grit is talking myself through every damn minute of a 45 minute cardio session, and when I feel like giving up, cranking it up another 2 levels.  Grit is getting stuck at the bottom of the hack squat machine; taking a deep breath and bringing that baby back up, inch by inch.  Grit is looking at dinner and taking a small portion when I have He-Man size hunger.  

I worked for every letter in that word and made it mine.  Smiling I looked out of the bus window with a sense of pride I’d never really felt before.  It was still dark out, but I could make out graffiti on brick wall.  I leaned closer to the window and read it: “You Go Girl”.  My smile widened as the bus pulled away.

A month and a bottle of antibiotics later the lethargy is gone and I feel like myself again.  It always suprises me how quickly one loses strength, especially upon returning to the gym and struggling to lift what was once so easy for me.  

So, I’m throwing myself back into the water, sink or swim…and I don’t plan on sinking

A former coworker stopped by to visit my office on Friday.   He left us weighing 375 lbs at 5′8" and had just joined weight watchers.  When I heard the knock on my door, I turned around in my chair with a smile on my face, eager to see his transformation.

He was no longer 375 lbs.  He was now 495 lbs.  Taking up the whole width of my door frame he was unable to walk in, and had to turn sideways to do so.  His weight and balance supported by cane, he walked slowly towards me.  I know that proper etiquette would have demanded that I smile widely and ignore the pink elephant in the room, but I couldn’t do it.  "Oh Jan," I said quietly.  "I know," he replied just as quietly.

What followed what a slew of excuses which all boiled down to the same thing: laziness.  Unable to find a job as an armed guard (because really, who in their right mind would hire a man who couldn’t perform his most basic job descriptions?), he settled for collecting a disability check and filing discrimination lawsuits.  He attempted to mask his misery by painting a great picture of his life now:  No work, no responsibilities, tv all day, and unlimited freedom.  That last one did it for me.  "Unlimited freedom?  To do what?  You can barely walk, you’re confined to your home, and you’re becoming a hermit.  Jan, you’re not living. You’re dying."  

In retrospect I realize I could’ve been a more tactful, but this is where everyone else’s tact had gotten him.  He refused to take responsibility for himself, for his life, and I knew that there was great possibility that Jan would not make it through 2009.  I saw my future in him, and if ever there was a need for a source of motivation I will forever have etched in my mind the resignation in his eyes.  He had given up before starting.

My life is worth something.  I will fight this with everything I have and I will become the person I’ve always wanted to be.

I just wish that Jan felt the same way.

4:15am (alarm goes off): Huh? Wha? Oh my God it’s the middle of the night…need more sleep…maybe I should just work out tonight…so tired…I  think I  hear rain…my new sneakers are going to get dirty….definitely working out tonight…(large sigh, climb out of bed).

4:50am (arrive at the bus stop, fiddle with my mp3 player) Ah sh*t!  So glad I put the rock mix on.  This song rocks!  Ok, I’m waking up a bit (start bopping head to Stupify-by Disturbed).

5:10am (on the treadmill running in intervals) Pain is weakness leaving the body…visualize yourself running in the body you want…muscular legs, flat stomach…visualize…Check out your muscles flexing!…Go!…Breathe!!!…This is mine, no one can take this away from me…

5:45am (on the leg press) So heavy….push…push…this is nothing, I can lift more than this…this is light…now is when the magic happens, when I don’t think I can do anymore…I can push past this, I can get these reps out (pump out all of my reps, add an extra 2 reps for good measure)

6:00am (walking to the barbells) Lady are you serious?  Was it necessary to bathe in perfume to come work out?!

6:10am (doing deadlifts) Ok, I make some serious ugly faces when I’m working out…scary…

6:30am (walking out of the gym) Yes…it’s over!  I kicked ass and took names! Ugh, I can barely walk…ow…ow…ow…

6:50am (waking up hubby) Hey baby, I’m home (kiss, kiss, kiss)…What?…Well yeah I’m funky, I just came back from the gym! (stomp off to take a shower)

6:52am (walk back into the room and give him an extra whiff of gym funk, just because I can!)

And that was my morning.

2008 is over!

It took 16 lbs of fat with it, and though I didn’t reach my goal of being under 200 lbs by Dec 31st I came pretty damn close.  I’m starting 2009 at 211 and saying goodbye to 227.  See ya!

I’ve left behind lethargy, sickness, shame, and excuses.  I’ve left behind a person who couldn’t climb a set of stairs without reaching for an asthma inhaler.  I’ve left behind a person who could barely get through her work day but wound up working two jobs (not easily, but she still did it).  However, I have brought over the person who despises taking a picture in her underwear, because really, who enjoys doing that when you have so much work ahead of you?
No one really enjoyed the "I’m naked in a room full of people" dream we had as a kid and this is no different.  Maybe that will change when I get my kick ass body lol.

This year it’s all about ME.  I’m putting myself first.  Right now my clothes are laid out for the gym (5am) and my bag is packed.  I’ve changed my schedule at my 2nd job to make room for my workouts.  Those are now non-negotiable.

My short term goal is to reach 199 by February 1st.  February 2nd is my business trip to Tucson Arizona and I REFUSE to have the seat belt on the plane just barely fit me.  Nope, don’t think so.

My long term goal has been dubbed Operation Jessica Rabbit!  But with muscles! lol  It’s no fun having a natural sashay when everything else is jiggling on you.  Not cute.  So, by the end of May 2009 just in time for my business trip to Las Vegas (woo-hoo!) I will be 40 lbs lighter and looking incredibly buff…or buff-like lol, at 170 lbs!  That’s right…hold your applause everyone…thank you, thank you.

I’ve met some great people on this site and I’m so thankful for each and every one of you.  I even made a wonderful friend, who somehow has telepathy and calls/emails me when I need it most (that’s your shout out Amber!).  

Remember, you don’t know where you’re going until you know where you’ve been.  Now go get yours!

It’s December.

4 months ago I decided to do for me, to stop crying and whining and start DOING.  Was it easy getting to this point?  Oh hell no, lol, because life happens.

I’m working two jobs now, doing what I have to do to keep things going.  It’s hard, it’s rough, and incredibly tiring getting by on just 3-4 hours sleep.  But at the same time it’s completely invigorating.  I had a problem,  mapped out the plan, and now I’m executing the solution.  The same applies to this tranformation because I haven’t given up on ME.  

I can’t get to the gym, but I do bodyweight exercises at home.  I walk from the primary job to the evening one (one of the benefits of living in NYC). Bottom line, I’m still taking care of me.  Maybe not the way I had originally planned or would prefer but I adapted…and I have a 16 lb loss to show for it!

Nothing worth having is ever easy, but God is it satisfying going after what you want!

Something happened today.  

This journey I’m on came to be because I couldn’t climb up a flight of subway stairs, on my way home one day in August, without the aid of my asthma inhaler.  I stood there on the steps, wheezing, embarrassed, and truly ashamed.

Not today.

Today I quickly climbed those stairs, walked the long ramp, climbed the second set of stairs and was half way home when I realized that I wasn’t out of breath.  At all.

The weight may not be melting off of me as quickly as I would like, and I may have to shop at Lane Bryant just one last time, but this?  This felt amazing.  It stopped me in my tracks and made me smile.

I’m not that person anymore.

I stared down a cinnamon bun today.  Complete with a little itty bitty tumbleweed….ok, maybe not but it sets the tone ok?  Anyway, I was glaring at the bun and it was doing its best to look as enticing as possible.  

Temptation.  Most people avoid it like the plague.  Others panic when faced with it.  When it crosses my path however, I immerse myself in it.  Weird I know, but I like the internal struggle, the rationalizing, toeing the line so to speak.  But there’s a method to my madness.  This little ritual I go through…well it reminds me that ultimately, whatever decision I make, is MY CHOICE.    

It is not a lack of will power, it is a choice.  You will either eat it or not (and the reasons are yours and yours alone).  If you choose to eat it make sure you enjoy every morsel of it.  Don’t beat yourself up about it later…..you made a conscious decision to take this action.  Eat it, enjoy it, and move on.  No guilt trips, no self hating.  If it wasn’t the best decision in retrospect, then your choice will be different next time.   If you choose NOT to eat it…well, same thing…don’t eat it, be satisfied, and move on.  

Either way, you always have a CHOICE.  

As I was staring at that delicious piece of cinnamon bun I thought about all of my workouts this week.  I have worked damn hard, WAY outside my comfort zone, and accomplished more than I ever thought I could.  I thought about how challenging it is for me, giving the workouts my all, in attempt to burn half of the 500+ calories in that bun.  

It may taste good but seeing progress…mentally and physically…is so much sweeter.
I walked away.

So with that choice being made it made, I’m that much closer to my goal of being under 200 lbs by Dec 31st for the Unwrap Your Abs Challenge!  Here are my stats for the week:

Cardio:  4 hours total (elliptical, treadmill) 5 days a week.

Strength training: 5 days a week, hitting every body part twice or more.

Eating:  Made great choices consistently…not always, that would be a lie. Sometimes I ate too little, but my body quickly made me aware of it.

I’m on my way.

I’ve been frustrated lately, with the sloooooooooooow progress of my transformation.  So, this 9 week challenge (courtesy of my girl Atray87) came at the perfect time.  It gives me the opportunity to see what I’m made of.

My goal is to be under 200 lbs by Dec 31st.  20 lbs away.  

I’ve posted the dreaded (it never gets easy) before pictures in my progress pics and will be posting more every 3 weeks.  This morning I did the unthinkable, stepped out of my comfort zone, and asked a good coworker of mine (also a personal trainer) for help.  He looked like a kid in a candy store, lol.

So here we go, I have my eye on the prize(s):

2) my first ever professional massage. 

Merry Christmas to me!