Being Jaded611

After a solid week of hard workouts and clean eating, my body has decided to take the no bullshit route and reject any and all junk food.  Completely.

I didn’t realize it at first and just blew it off as a stomach bug.  But after the fourth trip to the bathroom, on my free day, it slowly dawned on me.  So I began to experiment.  Egg whites, turkey bacon, whole wheat pita?  Fine.  Pancakes with syrup?  Not so fine.  Baked chicken and vegetables?  Fine.  Pizza with bacon? Oh HELL no!

This decision to change my body has not been the first.  In fact, I’ve honestly lost count.  However this time around something clicked, and my desire to succeed has practically eliminated any food cravings.  So despite the lack of cravings I went ahead and gave myself a free day…and made my discovery.

It may be something as simple as undiagnosed food allergies brought to light by a cleaner diet.  But I’m wondering if there could be more to this.  Can you subconsciously rewire yourself?  Or is it a matter of unlearning years of bad habits?

Can you teach your body to hate junk food?

You hear the term "morbidly obese" and tend to think that it applies to those so overweight they never leave their home. Someone who has given up on life and resigned themselves to watching tv all day, because they can’t move from their bed.  You never think the term will one day apply to you. 

 But pictures never lie.  I bit the bullet today and took my before pictures.  All I can say is…..wow.  I never truly realized how excessive weight can deform you, age you, and make you look worn.  As I looked at my pics I searched for the cheekbones I once had, for the pointy chin that gave my face a heart shape. But I’m so overweight that I all I can see is complete roundness.

I’ve never known what it’s like to be thin.  As a child I was always chubby, as a teen curvy, and as a young adult I could’ve stood to lose 20 lbs or so.  But now?  I don’t recognize this body.  I don’t even recognize MYSELF.  So, I’ve decided to put aside the mortification and embarrassment I feel and I’m posting my pics.

 I have a lot of work to do.

I finally had my “oh shit” moment yesterday. 

Now this is not to be confused with the “clouds parting, sun shining, angels singing” epiphany.  I’ve already had that; I know I am fat, and I will continue to be fat and uncomfortable in my own skin unless I do something about it.  No one can do it for me but me. 

That’s enough to get anyone started, isn’t it?  Not for me.  

After my epiphany I continued to mope, be depressed, and generally drown in my self pity.  That is, until my “oh shit” moment.

On my way home from work, I had just stepped off of the train.  I was walking up the platform towards the stairs leading to the exit when I felt it:  The motion of the ocean.  You all KNOW what I’m talking about….walking and having your excess fat jiggle and bounce around.  I was so shocked that I placed my hand lightly over my belly just to be sure.  My mouth dropped open and I let out a low and amazed, “Oh shit!” 

I reached the stairs, walked up (out of breath and wheezing), and proceeded to walk up the long upward ramp.  I’m pretty positive an 80 year old woman sailed right passed me.  Eventually, my wheezing was so bad that I had to stop, on the ramp, and catch my breath.  As I stood there, two extremely fit women practically floated up the ramp talking rapidly. My eyes, trailing behind them, narrowed into little slits and for the first time in a very long time, I got angry…….angry at myself. 

Angry for the years of neglect, the self pity, the self sabotage….angry for the time I have lost and will never get back.  Angry for letting the fear of failure paralyze me.  I realize now that there’s nothing I can’t accomplish.

So this is for everyone who has ever told me “…but you have such a pretty face!”, and, “…why did you let yourself go?”  Everyone who never believed in me and told me I couldn’t, everyone who looked passed me as if I didn’t exist because I wasn’t a size zero.

But more importantly, this is for me.  For the person I know I can be. 

So this is the beginning.  No overnight expectations.  No quick fix methods. 

Complacency is no longer an option.