Being Jaded611

I stared down a cinnamon bun today.  Complete with a little itty bitty tumbleweed….ok, maybe not but it sets the tone ok?  Anyway, I was glaring at the bun and it was doing its best to look as enticing as possible.  

Temptation.  Most people avoid it like the plague.  Others panic when faced with it.  When it crosses my path however, I immerse myself in it.  Weird I know, but I like the internal struggle, the rationalizing, toeing the line so to speak.  But there’s a method to my madness.  This little ritual I go through…well it reminds me that ultimately, whatever decision I make, is MY CHOICE.    

It is not a lack of will power, it is a choice.  You will either eat it or not (and the reasons are yours and yours alone).  If you choose to eat it make sure you enjoy every morsel of it.  Don’t beat yourself up about it later…..you made a conscious decision to take this action.  Eat it, enjoy it, and move on.  No guilt trips, no self hating.  If it wasn’t the best decision in retrospect, then your choice will be different next time.   If you choose NOT to eat it…well, same thing…don’t eat it, be satisfied, and move on.  

Either way, you always have a CHOICE.  

As I was staring at that delicious piece of cinnamon bun I thought about all of my workouts this week.  I have worked damn hard, WAY outside my comfort zone, and accomplished more than I ever thought I could.  I thought about how challenging it is for me, giving the workouts my all, in attempt to burn half of the 500+ calories in that bun.  

It may taste good but seeing progress…mentally and physically…is so much sweeter.
I walked away.

So with that choice being made it made, I’m that much closer to my goal of being under 200 lbs by Dec 31st for the Unwrap Your Abs Challenge!  Here are my stats for the week:

Cardio:  4 hours total (elliptical, treadmill) 5 days a week.

Strength training: 5 days a week, hitting every body part twice or more.

Eating:  Made great choices consistently…not always, that would be a lie. Sometimes I ate too little, but my body quickly made me aware of it.

I’m on my way.

I’ve been frustrated lately, with the sloooooooooooow progress of my transformation.  So, this 9 week challenge (courtesy of my girl Atray87) came at the perfect time.  It gives me the opportunity to see what I’m made of.

My goal is to be under 200 lbs by Dec 31st.  20 lbs away.  

I’ve posted the dreaded (it never gets easy) before pictures in my progress pics and will be posting more every 3 weeks.  This morning I did the unthinkable, stepped out of my comfort zone, and asked a good coworker of mine (also a personal trainer) for help.  He looked like a kid in a candy store, lol.

So here we go, I have my eye on the prize(s):

2) my first ever professional massage. 

Merry Christmas to me!

Do you ever fight with yourself to the complete oblivion of everyone else at the gym?

Well that was me today.  I walked in and my favorite elliptical machine was in use, so it was onto the treadmill.  On the elliptical I was doing HIIT.  On the treadmill I could obviously do the same but it would require running.  For my program it’s 2 minutes of fast walking, followed by 1 minute of running for a total of 20 minutes.  No biggie right?

My body fought it every…step…of…the…way.  The last ten seconds before every running minute my brain would engage in an all out power struggle with my body.

Brain:  Ok, here you go.  You can go this.

Body:  Are you crazy?!  Do you hear yourself?  You’re hacking up a lung!

Brain:  Shut up, quit whining, and let’s go.

Body:  Wait, wait, wait….my foot hurts.

Brain:  Run.

Body: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

It took everything I had to get through it.  Every running minute was accompanied by a mental image of me:  fit, buff, and legs exploding with muscles, chanting, "I get out of this what I put into it.  This is easy. I can do it."  I couldn’t punk out on myself (especially while wearing a "I love my bad ass attitude" t shirt.  How pathetic would that be?).  And I didn’t.  I completed my 20 minutes and all of my leg presses, hack squats, calf raises, biceps curls, and ab work!

As I limped to the bus stop on shaky legs I asked my husband, "This never gets easy, does it?".  But you know what?  On my way into the shower I caught a glimpse of my traps and shoulders and did a double take.  And then I smiled and proceeded to bust out every old school dance move for a full minute (Ho! Roger Rabbit!  Ho! Running Man!  Ho! Doing the butt! Do the Robot…Do the Robot).

There’s no greater feeling than seeing progress.

I was working when I got the call from my mother today.  She had just left the doctor’s office and was not happy.  As I continued to work with the phone cradled between my shoulder and ear I heard out her list of ailments: dangerously high sugar level, increased dosage of all her diabetic medicine, aching shoulder and a knee without cartilage due to the arthritis, she needs to lose weight, and blah, blah, blah, on the list went.

The computer blurred in front of me and as I dutifully heard her out I mentally ranted, “Ma, you’re only 50 years old!  No one should be like this at only 50.  Your sugar is high because you eat half a candy bar every day like its ok.  IT’S STILL A CANDY BAR!  PURE SUGAR! I won’t even mention the other junk you eat.  Your knee is out because of your weight.  You’re overweight because you think unless you have a gym you can’t exercise.  WALK!  We all have a choice in what we do, and you constantly make the wrong choices because it’s easier.  It’s not just yourself  you have to look out for Ma.  Think of Jesse, he’s only 14.  He needs you to stick around for a long time!”

As upset and frustrated I am with her I’m equally as annoyed with myself.  This is one of the reasons I chose to change myself, my outlook, my life.  The ailments and health woes that have struck the women in my family are crippling.  Now one pulled muscle later and I’m on the verge of completely falling apart.  My AM workouts are becoming non existant and my clean eating habits are…not quite clean. What kind of example am I? Trips and stumbles are expected on a life changing journey, but DAMN!  I’m on my way to ending up with a mouthful of concrete!  And you know what?  I have no one to blame but myself, because the choices were all mine.

Do you know what really woke me up though?  I inspired someone at work to take control of their weight.  Me.  Who doesn’t dream of being an inspiration?  As I chose to eat a donut this afternoon because it was “convenient” this person showed up with a chicken salad for me.  Man did I…feel…like…CRAP.  I felt like an imposter, talking the talk and half assed walking the walk.  

I get it now.  There’s never a perfect or convenient time for this.   I won’t always feel motivated to work out.  I won’t always want to eat clean.  Tough.  It doesn’t matter.  I get out of this what I put into it.  

So here I am coming clean.  I screwed up.  I’m embarrassed to be among my buddies here who keep on going despite how stressed they are.  BUT I’m not punking out.  No restarts, no do-over, I will continue from here.

It’s time to suck it up and move on.