Being Jaded611

How?

How did I manage to pull a chest muscle on the week that I did NO strength training?  

The week began with a new haircut to celebrate my 8 lb loss (and to free my ever crying hair from the confines of the dreaded bun).  And it ended with an emergency trip to the doctor after experiencing severe chest pains.  The whole way there I silently prayed, "Please don’t let it be a pulled muscle…please don’t let it be a pulled muscle…"

It’s a pulled chest muscle.  Damn!

So, for the next few weeks there is to be no strength training.  NONE.  No legs, no abs, no nothing.  All I can do is cardio.  I’m annoyed, irritated, and mostly scared.  I don’t want to go back to square one.  Will just doing cardio keep those 8 lbs off?  Will I be able to lose any more?  

Sigh.  I hate cardio.

Guess I’m going to have to learn to love it.

Unlearning old habits is hard.  I mean HARD.  The biggest one I have?   Turning a positive into a negative.  Posting progress pictures is always difficult but it was tough seeing that I don’t look anywhere near as good as I feel.  

Now don’t get me wrong.  I know it takes time. I know this weight is a result of years of neglect and denial.  For all of my "Big and Proud!" and "You go Big girl!" mantras I was miserable.  Because try as I might I was not happy.  This big girl was uncomfortable in her own skin, and it just wasn’t ME.

So here I am, trying to conjure up all of those feelings as I look at my pictures.  I never was a patient person, especially with myself.  Immediately all of the negative thoughts crawl in and I wonder Am I going to make it through this?  Will I finish this time?  Why don’t I see more progess?  And as quickly as they run through my head I block it off and turn those thoughts around:

I’ve lost 8lbs, an inch off of my chest and an inch off of my stomach.  IN A MONTH.  
I can leg press 500 lbs and curl 20 lbs easily.  
My clothes are loose and I need new ones.
I can walk up the stairs in the dreaded train station up the ramp without becoming out of breath.

I have achieved this.  ME.  I’m a better version of myself than I was a month ago, and there’s no turning back.

My cheat days have taught me:

1)  That hash browns are the devil. I can’t seem to give myself just a serving. The power of Christ compels you!

2)  That eating a stack of pancakes will put you in a coma.  Eat at your own risk.

3)  That I still get shocked by the sodium content of ramen noodles.  And then I eat it.

4)  That a bowl of Corn Pops is just not satisfying anymore.  Damn you Corn Pops!  Thankfully, Froot Loops is still hanging in there.

5)  That my dog secretly laughs at me while I hold my stomach in pain after eating bacon.  His revenge for not being given a piece.

Well I’ve learned a lot more than that but the main thing is that they’re becoming easier.  Breakfast is the meal I look forward to the most, so it’s what I have.  Eating after that is much simpler.  Sometimes I don’t want to eat much.  Sometimes all I really want is just a good cup of strong coffee and a toast.  Now my weekly cheat day is a day to eat whatever I want, IF I want.  

I still haven’t gotten around to the best thin crust pizza in Brooklyn (Fascati’s Pizzeria on Henry St, closed for vacation) but it’s on my list.  Beware Fascati’s….beware!

It is 10:19 am, I’m exhausted, and trying to make it through my day.  

After a fitful night that resulted in virtually no sleep, I was awakened by my husband for the gym at 5:30 am.   Big props to him because #1) He got up  and #2) He sleeps like the dead and he still got up.  Laid in bed and listened to the inner struggle for domination for a few minutes (…need to get some more sleep…need to get my big ass up and go the gym…), before finally rolling off the bed.  I slept on the bus until we got to the gym, stepped on the treadmill and considered letting myself slide off and fall into a heap by the wall, just so I could curl up into a ball and go to sleep.

Desperate means called for desperate measures.  So away went the Dance cardio playlist and out stomped the Rock/Metal playlist.

With that being said, I want to give a HUGE thank you to Linkin Park, Disturbed, Limp Bizkit, and Papa Roach!!!  A little head banging did wonders for my sleep deprived soul, enough for me to check out the guys in the weight room and give them the “you want some of this?!” look (yes, it doesn’t take much to gas me up).

So thanks guys, for getting so hyped that you followed me off the treadmill and into the weight room.  Thanks for helping me bust out those last reps of my upper body workout, thanks for helping me tune out the personal trainer who was too busy checking himself out in the mirror and making appreciative grunts instead of paying attention to his client, and a big ol’ thank you for blocking out the MTV channel with Jessica Simpson prancing around and keeping me in my zone.

Is it time for bed yet?