Being Jaded611

Earlier this week my husband and I were wondering why we make noticeable gains with our lower body and not our upper body.  "Because my legs are carrying my fat ass all day," was my intelligent response.  "That’s what I thought too," he says laughing, "but I think we need to seriously think about why this is."  Ahhh…I hate the voice of reason.  He then proceeded to lay it out:  We don’t push our upper body as hard as we do our lower body.

And unfortunately he was right.  I love working out my legs…they’re my strongest body part.  Nothing gives me a greater rush than leg pressing heavy weight and watching some guy’s mouth drop open as he walks by.  Fat doesn’t necessarily mean weak, just out of shape.

While giving it serious thought, I came to the conclusion that my upper body limitations are self imposed.  I think I can only do 15lb dumbbell curls, so that’s all I do.  I think I can only do 70lbs on the pec deck machine, so that’s all I attempt.  And the more I thought I about it, the more I realized that this warped logic had extended its way to my leg training too…my leg press has been stuck at 360lbs for the longest, and it’s because it’s all I think I can do right now.

So, after a few mental bitch slaps I told myself to suck it up and get to work.  Pec Deck machine?  95lbs.  Leg press? 410lbs.  Dumbbell curls?  20lbs (I know, that’s a bit low but I didn’t want to pull a damn fallopian tube from all the straining ok?).  Major improvements all around (insert "party up in here!" noise) and I am pretty damn proud of myself!

"Do what you’ve always done and you’ll get what you’ve always gotten".  The power of perception is incredible.  If you think you can’t, you won’t.  If you think you can, you will.  We are all a lot stronger than we think we are.

But sometimes we just need to get the hell out of our own way.

After a solid week of hard workouts and clean eating, my body has decided to take the no bullshit route and reject any and all junk food.  Completely.

I didn’t realize it at first and just blew it off as a stomach bug.  But after the fourth trip to the bathroom, on my free day, it slowly dawned on me.  So I began to experiment.  Egg whites, turkey bacon, whole wheat pita?  Fine.  Pancakes with syrup?  Not so fine.  Baked chicken and vegetables?  Fine.  Pizza with bacon? Oh HELL no!

This decision to change my body has not been the first.  In fact, I’ve honestly lost count.  However this time around something clicked, and my desire to succeed has practically eliminated any food cravings.  So despite the lack of cravings I went ahead and gave myself a free day…and made my discovery.

It may be something as simple as undiagnosed food allergies brought to light by a cleaner diet.  But I’m wondering if there could be more to this.  Can you subconsciously rewire yourself?  Or is it a matter of unlearning years of bad habits?

Can you teach your body to hate junk food?

There are two types of people out there:  The lovers and the haters.

The lovers react to your life changing decisions with geniune support, enthusiasm, and interest.  The haters, on the other hand, take the opportunity to throw your decision on the floor and stomp all over it.  Right now I have both in my life; the lovers offering their silent strength and the haters loudly voicing their doubt.  On a daily basis I hear

"Uh oh!  Someone’s on a diet.  Again."

"You have gotten so fat.  I don’t think this is going to help."

"A protein shake huh?"  (followed by a smirk)

"Here, have some candy….c’mon you only live once."

And well, that’s just my plan.  To live.  I find motivation in these rude remarks.  They just provoke me into action and motivate me into surpassing my self imposed limitations.  My diet is on track and my workouts get nothing less than 100%.

I have learned this:  Haters despise change.  Why?  Because it shakes their foundation and strips them of their weak excuses.  It holds them accountable for the lives they’re living.  Can we change a hater into a lover?  I’m not sure.  

But I plan on changing a hater into a believer.

You hear the term "morbidly obese" and tend to think that it applies to those so overweight they never leave their home. Someone who has given up on life and resigned themselves to watching tv all day, because they can’t move from their bed.  You never think the term will one day apply to you. 

 But pictures never lie.  I bit the bullet today and took my before pictures.  All I can say is…..wow.  I never truly realized how excessive weight can deform you, age you, and make you look worn.  As I looked at my pics I searched for the cheekbones I once had, for the pointy chin that gave my face a heart shape. But I’m so overweight that I all I can see is complete roundness.

I’ve never known what it’s like to be thin.  As a child I was always chubby, as a teen curvy, and as a young adult I could’ve stood to lose 20 lbs or so.  But now?  I don’t recognize this body.  I don’t even recognize MYSELF.  So, I’ve decided to put aside the mortification and embarrassment I feel and I’m posting my pics.

 I have a lot of work to do.

I finally had my “oh shit” moment yesterday. 

Now this is not to be confused with the “clouds parting, sun shining, angels singing” epiphany.  I’ve already had that; I know I am fat, and I will continue to be fat and uncomfortable in my own skin unless I do something about it.  No one can do it for me but me. 

That’s enough to get anyone started, isn’t it?  Not for me.  

After my epiphany I continued to mope, be depressed, and generally drown in my self pity.  That is, until my “oh shit” moment.

On my way home from work, I had just stepped off of the train.  I was walking up the platform towards the stairs leading to the exit when I felt it:  The motion of the ocean.  You all KNOW what I’m talking about….walking and having your excess fat jiggle and bounce around.  I was so shocked that I placed my hand lightly over my belly just to be sure.  My mouth dropped open and I let out a low and amazed, “Oh shit!” 

I reached the stairs, walked up (out of breath and wheezing), and proceeded to walk up the long upward ramp.  I’m pretty positive an 80 year old woman sailed right passed me.  Eventually, my wheezing was so bad that I had to stop, on the ramp, and catch my breath.  As I stood there, two extremely fit women practically floated up the ramp talking rapidly. My eyes, trailing behind them, narrowed into little slits and for the first time in a very long time, I got angry…….angry at myself. 

Angry for the years of neglect, the self pity, the self sabotage….angry for the time I have lost and will never get back.  Angry for letting the fear of failure paralyze me.  I realize now that there’s nothing I can’t accomplish.

So this is for everyone who has ever told me “…but you have such a pretty face!”, and, “…why did you let yourself go?”  Everyone who never believed in me and told me I couldn’t, everyone who looked passed me as if I didn’t exist because I wasn’t a size zero.

But more importantly, this is for me.  For the person I know I can be. 

So this is the beginning.  No overnight expectations.  No quick fix methods. 

Complacency is no longer an option.