JJanet

A belated Happy Canada day to all my Canadian friends! I am so very PROUD to be Canadian.

Today was my second time being back at the gym since I got back last week. It took me several days to work up the nerve to go to the gym as that is where I frequently see the person who is no longer my friend. I knew it was going to be awkward, and I was dreading it horribly. After my email, she replied back, asking what she could do to change so we could remain friends, and I replied, saying that it wasn’t a matter of what she could do. After all, she is who she is… and you don’t become friends with a person with the intention of trying to change them. That would certainly not be my place - and I could not stand seeing her live her life like that. I have since found out that she has some residual damage from a car accident that happened to her in her teenage years, and it has affected the way that she processes information and her understanding of people/situations. For instance. This guy text messaged her a while ago, and wrote a very disturbing, violent message to her. It creeped the fcuk out of me. Honestly. I got goosebumps when I read it because it freaked me out so badly. I told her, "L, that’s REALLY messed up." And she replied, "I KNOW! He can be kind of strange sometimes!!", and she giggled.

Umm.

Folks, the text message was about some violent fantasy he had of commiting rape. With a VERY underaged child they saw in a mall.

WTFWTFWTFWTFWTF.

But L doesn’t get how f*cked up it is to even THINK about stuff like that, let alone vocalize these thoughts to another human. She is dating this gem as we speak.

Sooo. Yes. Her understanding of people, nonverbal cues, and situations is impaired. Since I found out about her limitations in perceptions, I briefly toyed with the idea of letting her into my life again, if only because she is at SUCH a disadvantage with people (namely men). But the idea was short-lived as I knew I could not keep trying to help someone who Will not and CANNOT understand people. When I have said something like, "DUMP THAT LOSER! Don’t even talk to him!!!", to L about the shining example of humanity from above, she does not think I am being fair. She even implied I was saying those things because I was jealous of her. *Sigh*. I am SO sad for her.

Ahhhhhhh. Deep Breath. But life will go on. So today was back at the gym! I worked out and saw this one lady I see several times a week. She has a very thick Vietnamese accent, and after she stared at me for a bit, she blurts out, "You got a bit fat!". This person who was changing close to us overheard the comment and gasped a bit. LOL. She very discreetly turned away but I knew she was craning to hear what I would have to say to such a direct comment. The truth is I did gain a few pounds over my trip, (and 2 pounds even before the trip!), so she was not telling me anything I didn’t already know. I know how the pounds got there, and I know how to take them off! LOL. So I looked at her, smiled, and said, "I think I look wonderful!". I truly do! My body is healthy, strong, and even though I am a few pounds heavier than where I would like to be ideally, I still look great! She looked surprised at my response, and seemed to be at a loss for what to say to me, so she turned away and got back to her things. The lady who was eavesdropping had finished changing by then and was getting ready to leave. But as she walked past me, she gave me a big smile. I returned her smile. And it reminded me to get a move on with my goals!!!!

So for July, I will be at the gym at least 22 times. 2 down, 20 to go! I will have no cheat meals for the first half of July, and will have one cheat meal every week thereafter. I will post a progress picture that includes my abnominal area (the true marker of my progress!) no later than August… er… 30th. LMAO!! Yay! It’s going to be a good month!

And while I said goodbye to a new friendship, I have met another two ladies who make me believe that it really *is* going to be okay. Life is good.

Edited to add! I JUST started REDuction yesterday, in response to the rave reviews that Laurie and some others have had to it! It was a bit bizarre though - I had trouble sleeping yesterday and normally, I never have a problem. Weeeeeeeird, especially since others have reported sleeping like a BABY while taking it! No REDuction in my enormous, man-like appetite, though. Let’s see how this goes!

Some people are just plain toxic. My bro-in-law does stupid, thoughtless crap sometimes, but he is not toxic - just stubborn. Like… even though I can’t stand him right now, if my world completely collapsed from underneath me tomorrow, he would be there for me to help me pick up the pieces. Stupid ass that he is. He’s still my bro and I still love him.

But two weeks ago, I had the sneaking suspicion that one of my burgeoning new friendships were toxic. I asked for feedback from some people, and their opinion was that I should let it ride out and see what happened. So I agreed and I sort of sat back and let it play out to see how things would turn out. My gut instinct was right, and yesterday, things were unmistakably clear that it was a TOXIC RELATIONSHIP. So this morning, I had to tell her I would not be her friend. It was such a hard email to write. I tried to tell her in person yesterday, but she wasn’t listening to me, so I wrote her an email which was very explicit that I could not be her friend.

The unreasonable part of my brain tells me that I am mean, horrible, cruel, insensitive and lack compassion for choosing to be out of her life. The rational part of my brain consoles me and tells me that it’s okay, that I need to look out for my own emotional health FIRST, and that being posioned by her would not do anyone any good. So I did it.

I squashed the friendship I was so unbelievably happy about discovering not even a month ago. It’s been a sad day, but also a good one. A part of me grew up again.

My sister and brother in law responded. And while it’s probably better in the long run to have this all out in the open, I am pretty miserable right now. SO! I refused to spend the day feeling sorry for myself. I am still not happy about things, but I know this is one of those matters where I need to sit back, and let things ride out as the only person I can control in this situation is myself.

So what’s a girl to do when miserable?

SHOP! My newest bud and I went SHOPPING!!!!! She’s sort of funny. She always compliments my clothes, and has commented that I need to take her shopping and give her fashion advice, so we finally made it out today. It a tough experience trying to dress someone else! I almost never try on my clothes - I’ll just look at it (online or in the store), and know if I’ll like the way it looks on me or not. But her body is so different from my own. She said she wanted to dress like me, so I picked out things I would pick out for myself - but they didn’t suit her frame, so it was a bit frustrating for her. She was feeling discouraged. She also said she felt really fat. She is completely babalicious and FAR from fat - but the clothes that I picked for her to try on were not flattering. I felt horrible!! Eek! So we took a break, and got some coffee. On our way out of Border’s, we entered this drawing for some silly contest. The guy who was running the stand was really cute, and L was sooooooo into him. LOL!! It was so cute. So we stayed there for a bit, and I was trying to get the conversation flowing since she was acting all shy and cute around him, and as we were leaving the store, I was like, "YOU LIKED HIM, didn’t you?! Go ask him out!". She giggled and said he was soooooooo cute, but she was too shy. So I asked if she’d be okay with me asking for his number, and she agreed, albeit a bit reluctantly. So I went in there, and he seemed thrilled by my question! I ran outside to L, waving the piece of paper out like a victory flag, and we giggled until our sides hurt. So although shopping wasn’t altogether succesful, it was still a good day.

9 more days. I can do this.

My forearm is getting that tell-tale hollowed out look when I am leaning out. Yay? I wish it would take the fat off of my STOMACH instead of my already skinny forearms. LOL! I am only a few pounds away from when I was my leanest in early April, but it definitely looks different this time around. I thought I added some muscle to my frame so I was anticipating looking more musclar at a slightly higher weight, but for some reason, it looks like I have even LESS than I did that first time! I see this particularly in my abs. Eh. I’m not going to worry too much about it because I know I am eating right, I geared my workouts towards leaning out, and all other areas of fitness are in line with my goals, so onwards I go! No room for hesitations or second guessing now!

I did something really tough yesterday. I wrote an email to my sister and brother in law, and aired out some of my grievances with them that I had been keeping in for a few years. It was sooooo hard to press the send button. But send it, I did. And I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. That is, until I saw their reply this morning. It was something along the lines of, "We got your email. We are thinking of how to respond to you. Later."

Ugggh. That was SO not the response I was hoping for. This is my first real confrontation with my family, and I feel SO much anxiety over it, it’s not even funny!!! I am crossing my fingers that a week from now, I will look back on this and think of how awesome it was for me to do something that is so out of my comfort zone. I wish it was next week already, and I could be away from all this tension…

Can anyone relate to This girl?

Me neither.

May’s almost up, and I was thinking about how I did with my goals, and what I need to change in order to make June an even more successful month! Today marks my 20th workouts (yay to Redblokey and I for meeting our workout goal!), but my clean diet needs… a bit of work. My cheat meals/refeeds this month have been HUGE. They are like… mini-binges!! The gorge-fests have counteracted the effects of my workouts, so I am still pretty much in the same place. Hehehehe. To be honest, I rather like the way I look right now. My bodyfat is certainly not at it’s lowest (beginning of April), and neither is my weight. But I have TONS of energy, I feel FABULOUS, and with clothes on, I feel I am probably looking the best I ever have! So May was probably a good month to stay pretty much same.

But I’m going to be in a bikini for a week in June (going to Mexico! ), so for 3.5 weeks, I want to shift my goal towards looking good in a swimsuit, not just in clothes. Which means bringing that bodyfat DOWN!!! Here’s my plan for how I am going to get there:

- Workout 6 days a week, Keep calorie range below 1500, and 1 cheat ITEM (not meal!) a week. Also, I am doing a small experiment with my diet. I like to workout early in the morning, but my breakfasts were weighing me down. So instead of eating oatmeal and eggwhites before my workout, I am just sticking to a cup of plain greek yogurt (f-a-g-e). I know most people recommend having carbs before a workout, but I’ve done that for months now, and I would like to see if I notice any positive changes having a breakfast that is not quite so carb-heavy. So a typical day of eating will look like this:

Breakfast- Plain Yogurt

PWO - Sweet potato, whey/casein shake

PWO2- 1/3 cup of oats, 5 egg whites, serving of PB2, steamed green beans

Dinner - 6 ounces of ground chicken breast, 1 teaspoon of olive oil, spinach leaves

Snack - 1 cup of yogurt, 1 serving of PB2, celery sticks

Prebed Snack- Chicken breast, 4 ounces OR 1 can of tuna, 1 teaspoon of olive oil

And the breakdown: 1303 calories, 172 grams of protein, 89 grams of CHO, 30 grams of fat, bringing the percentages to 53% protein, 28% CHO, and 19% fat. Hmmm. The calorie range seems low, but there are several little things throughout the day that I don’t count, and my refeed item will be mostly CHO based, so I think I’m good to go!

I will take a progress picture on June 19 (ugh!). I have avoided taking those dreaded bikini shots because I felt sooooo horrible about myself for days after I took them, but it helps keep me focused, and the bit of accountability I have really steers me in the right direction. So that’s my focus for the next little while!

I have to tell you guys about a small victory I had! I met some new friends! They are fellow gym-goers, and last week, we went out to lunch after our workout! I could NOT have been happier! I do not know if it is the type of friendship that will be deep and lasting, but it was SO much fun to be a girl, and enjoy the senseless, useless gabbing we did! I don’t think I stopped smiling for days!! I’m so lucky!!!!

And an update on umbrella dude. He is officially getting on my nerves. I no longer feel like being polite to him. He is starting to ask more personal questions like, “What’s your address! I want to send you flowers”. And “When will you be at the pool next? What time?”, and “Where will you be going after you workout?”. Invasive much?! My new strategy now will be to, 1) Not smile anymore, 2) Not make eye contact with him, 3) Keep answers short and vague, 4)Remind him that I am not interested in any sort of friendship/relation with him, 5)Run to my new gym buddies for protection and get them all to give him a weird look. LOL.

Hope everyone is happy and healthy!

My fellow bloggers! I can’t believe May is already here! My goal for this month is to make a combined total of 40 workouts with this Bloke’s help! I tracked the exact number of days I was at the gym for the past few months and decided I needed the numbers to be higher and more consistent! So we’ll see how this goes! My diet has been sorta kinda clean. But not really. Okay, it’s sucked the big turd since I got back from Vegas. ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, if I must be completely honest. It sucked for ALL of April. *cringes*. Hehehehehe. But that’s changing now! May WILL be a month of GREAT nutrition.

Maybe.

I was talking to one of my closest friends. She lives abroad so our phone conversations are far and few in between because of the time difference. But anyway, we were gabbing like girls do, and I was marveling to her how NICE I think people are! For example, it was raining earlier, and I didn’t bring an umbrella (I never do - it doesn’t really bother me when I get a bit wet!), but this guy who was in the front area of the gym went out of his way to walk me to my car covering me with his umbrella. HOW NICE is that? So I was telling her that sometimes it amazes me how kind people are.

She rolled her eyes at me. (I COULD TELL!!!) And she was like, “Don’t be so intentionally stupid, Janet. He probably had NO kind intentions whatsoever, and was probably using it as an opportunity to talk to you and get to know you better.”

EH. So I ROLLED my eyes right back at her (And I know SHE could tell, too! Hehehe!), and said that I wasn’t about to assume that any time a guy did something kind for me, it was because he found me attractive. How stuck on myself would I be to assume that? It reminded me of fair Pixi’s entry about the dude and the email and stuff. I mean, I’m not a complete idiot, and sometimes they make it clear that they are interested in me, but other times when it’s just kind gestures like that, to me, that’s just human kindness.

It makes me wonder how hesitent people must be to do something kind for somebody else because their intentions will be misunderstood. For instance, I have taken to smiling at people all the time these days. Men, women, children. Men almost always smile back. Women seem to smile back about half the time, and the other half of the time, they turn away and avoid me. Children always smile back or glance away shyly, but I notice their mothers often seem to think I have other intentions or something! Sheesh, people! It’s just a smile!

Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. A kind gesture is JUST a kind gesture. I would prefer to think people are good and kind rather than think they are interested in me. Does that make me intentionally stupid? Who knows. I’m just going to keep smiling.

So here’s yet another post from me that has nothing to do about training or nutrition. I realized something really important yesterday. Ever since I got back from my quick break with my friends, I have been so outrageously lonely for my female friends! Seeing my buddy, especially the female one, made me truly miss having a close friend around. Among my female friends, I have four that I would consider the type of friend I would call up if I was feeling down. Two of them live in Canada, one moved to the U.K last fall, and the other lives here, but is a busy mommy of two. Lately, the only people I have been around are all male. Which is fine and all, but. Seriously. When you want to get out a good noisy vent, and just talk for the sake of being heard, sometimes, men just can’t suit this role as well as women can. Sometimes they do, but in my experience, many of the men who listen want so much to help you that they just can’t resist offering you a solution to your ‘problem’.

It’s like that scene from White Men Can’t Jump.

Woman: I’m so thirsty.

Man: (Goes and gets her a glass of water)

Woman: When I said I was thirsty, it doesn’t mean I want a glass of water. You’re missing the whole point of me saying I’m thirsty. If I have a problem, you’re not supposed to solve it. Men always make the mistake
of thinking they can solve a woman’s problem. It makes them feel omnipotent.It’s a way of controlling a woman.

Man: By bringing them a glass of water??!!

LMAO!!!!!!!! Truly, I don’t think it’s a matter of control. I just think that among the men I have met, they seem to have a tough time listening to a problem without offering a solution about how to fix it. And you can bet that when I have a problem that I am actively working to solve, the first person I usually ask is male.

But I miss my gals. I have not been terribly successful in forging new, female friendships in this city, despite the fact that I have been here for over 4 years. I am actively working on being more friendly and making my mannerisms more inviting and open, but so far, it has only attracted more men. Any advice on how to make more (female) friends?

F*uckDamnSh!tthisf*ucktohell.

Okay. I feel a bit better now. Swearing feels so cathartic to me. This may be because I was sent to a super strict private Christian school my entire life, and I was forbidden to say even the word, "dang" because it resembled ‘damn’ too closely. LOL!

But on to why I am so cantankerous right now. Even WORSE than making no progress, (ie. how nice would stalling/mainintaing be right now?!), I have gained a total of 6.4 pounds in 2.5 weeks. IT IS NOT WATER WEIGHT. How I LONG for the problems of 3+ weeks ago when the weight was dropping right off my frame!! Even if some (most?) of it WAS muscle!

AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Seriously guys, no comforting words for me, please. I don’t want them. Puhahahaha! My self-pity will be over shortly because getting these words out is already making me feel loads better! I leave for my sunny little vacation to Vegas tomorrow, and there is NO way I am ruining my trip by feeling all sorry for myself! I have a plan for myself when I return. HARDCORE CUTTING will start on SUNDAY when I return. That’s right! I am going to take off those BLASTED 6.4 pounds, and an extra 3.6 to show it’s who’s boss! MUAHAHAHAHA. It may take me two months. But f*uckDamnSh!t if I’m going to let it stick around!

/rant.

I was driving on my way to the gym behind this big truck. I hate being behind, beside or anywhere near trucks because I can’t even count how many times they’ve almost run me over because they never see my car. Anyway, this truck makes this rather aggressive lane change, and runs over this big plastic jug that’s used to store oil that was sitting on the road. At least that’s what I think it was for. It flew right in my path, and I tried to dodge it, but FREAK IT ALL TO HELL, I went RIGHT over it, and my car smushed it, and it got stuck right between the top of my tire, and the carriage of my car. My car made the most god-awful sound. I pulled over and this guy waiting at a traffic light yells at me, "TAKE OFF YOUR EMERGENCY BRAKE!".

WTF?!! WHO THE F*CK asked you?! LOL! Anyway, I get down on my knees and it was pretty obvious where the problem was. I had to wait until I could pull over, and the little bit of driving I did with that jug rubbing against my tire turned the tire, rim, and most of that side of the car a nice RED. It was SO HARD TO GET OUT!!! I had both hands on it, and I was yanking back with all of my strength. And like magic. It loosened, and I fell back SO frigging hard. In a skirt. With an audience.

:P My pride has suffered worse, though. So I dusted myself off, tried to wipe some of the oil off of my hands, arms, and legs. I got back into my car, tried to smear the oil off of my face (how did I even get it on there??!), parked the car, and went into the gym with my head held high. LOL. I had a terrific workout. I pushed out some of personal bests on some leg exercises. I love Fridays!