JJanet

I <3 you guys. Thank you to everyone who left me a message - it was SO encouraging to come back to them and remind myself of what I really want out of all this, and how to not let me demons control me. I have read about some people who have had some really horrible experiences with mean people on here. I have been SO BLESSED to have only come into contact with all the really WONDERFUL ones. And a few weirdos. (Some who wanted NOODZ of… my feet. My FEET??!!!! LMAO!! ). So after I wrote that blog on Friday, I went out to dinner and had a healthy, clean dinner. But decided to cave in a bit to my emotional desires for junk and got an oreo shake afterwards. It was simply delicious! But gave me a really HORRIBLE sugar headache, and I felt pretty nauseous the rest of the night. My plan to dodge the emotional eating trap wil be to follow these steps:

1) Read the webpages I’ve bookmarked about emotional eating. 2) Journal about why I am upset. 3) Distract myself with a movie, Grey’s Anatomy (I LOVE THAT SHOW!), or shopping. 4) Allow myself to have celery sticks/carrots. 5) Remind myself that having junk will NOT make me feel better. 6) Tell someone in person that I want to emotionally eat and deal with their response.

Let’s see how this goes. I don’t get the urge to emotionally eat very often, but the times that I have, I don’t like it. No sireeeeee. So it’s going to stop. I will put this plan into place, and tweak it to make it work each time for me.

After my oreo shake, I felt really horrible, but had already decided that I would not continue to let it happen, so I went through with those above steps. Step 3 involves distraction, and I bought myself a completely STUNNING pair of Mac Jacobs boots. They are sinfully pretty. It is too warm for boots (and will continue to be too warm for several months still!), but like so many other women, I have a love affair with shoes.
 

Can’t WAIT to wear these suckers out! Hehehehe.

Okay, my friends! I’m back. And ready to take on the world again! BWAHAHAHAAH! I took a wicked long drive yesterday and raced some more stupid teenages. I’m so badass. Yeah, right. I hope you guys are having a wonderful day. I am.

A belated Happy Canada day to all my Canadian friends! I am so very PROUD to be Canadian.

Today was my second time being back at the gym since I got back last week. It took me several days to work up the nerve to go to the gym as that is where I frequently see the person who is no longer my friend. I knew it was going to be awkward, and I was dreading it horribly. After my email, she replied back, asking what she could do to change so we could remain friends, and I replied, saying that it wasn’t a matter of what she could do. After all, she is who she is… and you don’t become friends with a person with the intention of trying to change them. That would certainly not be my place - and I could not stand seeing her live her life like that. I have since found out that she has some residual damage from a car accident that happened to her in her teenage years, and it has affected the way that she processes information and her understanding of people/situations. For instance. This guy text messaged her a while ago, and wrote a very disturbing, violent message to her. It creeped the fcuk out of me. Honestly. I got goosebumps when I read it because it freaked me out so badly. I told her, "L, that’s REALLY messed up." And she replied, "I KNOW! He can be kind of strange sometimes!!", and she giggled.

Umm.

Folks, the text message was about some violent fantasy he had of commiting rape. With a VERY underaged child they saw in a mall.

WTFWTFWTFWTFWTF.

But L doesn’t get how f*cked up it is to even THINK about stuff like that, let alone vocalize these thoughts to another human. She is dating this gem as we speak.

Sooo. Yes. Her understanding of people, nonverbal cues, and situations is impaired. Since I found out about her limitations in perceptions, I briefly toyed with the idea of letting her into my life again, if only because she is at SUCH a disadvantage with people (namely men). But the idea was short-lived as I knew I could not keep trying to help someone who Will not and CANNOT understand people. When I have said something like, "DUMP THAT LOSER! Don’t even talk to him!!!", to L about the shining example of humanity from above, she does not think I am being fair. She even implied I was saying those things because I was jealous of her. *Sigh*. I am SO sad for her.

Ahhhhhhh. Deep Breath. But life will go on. So today was back at the gym! I worked out and saw this one lady I see several times a week. She has a very thick Vietnamese accent, and after she stared at me for a bit, she blurts out, "You got a bit fat!". This person who was changing close to us overheard the comment and gasped a bit. LOL. She very discreetly turned away but I knew she was craning to hear what I would have to say to such a direct comment. The truth is I did gain a few pounds over my trip, (and 2 pounds even before the trip!), so she was not telling me anything I didn’t already know. I know how the pounds got there, and I know how to take them off! LOL. So I looked at her, smiled, and said, "I think I look wonderful!". I truly do! My body is healthy, strong, and even though I am a few pounds heavier than where I would like to be ideally, I still look great! She looked surprised at my response, and seemed to be at a loss for what to say to me, so she turned away and got back to her things. The lady who was eavesdropping had finished changing by then and was getting ready to leave. But as she walked past me, she gave me a big smile. I returned her smile. And it reminded me to get a move on with my goals!!!!

So for July, I will be at the gym at least 22 times. 2 down, 20 to go! I will have no cheat meals for the first half of July, and will have one cheat meal every week thereafter. I will post a progress picture that includes my abnominal area (the true marker of my progress!) no later than August… er… 30th. LMAO!! Yay! It’s going to be a good month!

And while I said goodbye to a new friendship, I have met another two ladies who make me believe that it really *is* going to be okay. Life is good.

Edited to add! I JUST started REDuction yesterday, in response to the rave reviews that Laurie and some others have had to it! It was a bit bizarre though - I had trouble sleeping yesterday and normally, I never have a problem. Weeeeeeeird, especially since others have reported sleeping like a BABY while taking it! No REDuction in my enormous, man-like appetite, though. Let’s see how this goes!

Playacar was fantastic! Besides a quick trip to Cozumel, I had never visited much of Mexico before, and I had so much FUN!!

I had several opportunities to practice my faltering knowledge of Spanish, and luckily, everyone there was SO SWEET and NICE that they didn’t mind when I blundered at all! I already miss how cheerful and happy everyone is over there!! They do their work with the BEST attitudes!

The beach was gorgeous!

The ocean is such a stunning shade of blue, and I spent much of the week just laying on a chair, staring at the ocean. If you drive about an hour from here, you get to see some ocean. But it’s brown and oily with swimsuit staining abilities. The one in Playacar was MUCH nicer.

I had a few activities planned for my week there, but I skipped them all, with the exception of my day trip to Chichen Itza. Instead, I relaxed in the sun almost every day, and napped lazily, basking in the sunshine!

It was EASY to relax when there were so many distractions! The food at the hotel was amazing, and I will have to workout EXTRA HARD to get rid of the vacation inches that came home with me!! Hehehe!

After the first few days of doing absolutely NOTHING, it was time to venture out for a bit! Chichen Itza called my name, and I went to visit one of the new seven wonders of the world! It was blisteringly HOT. We only spent about 3 hours outside, but the heat combined with the humidity was almost enough to make me pass out. Like a big wuss, I had to sit part of the tour out in ‘time-out’.

After Chichen Itza, we went to visit a Cenote, which is a natural sinkhole with rainwater collected inside of it.

It was dark, cool and beautiful inside! We were enoucraged to swim in the Cenote, but they had these gigantic fish swimming near the surface, and I was too squeamish at the thought of possibly touching them. Gross!!! So I walked around and took some pictures.

Getting back to the hotel was such a relief! I was so tired, hot and sweaty, I immediately decided not to go through with any of my other planned excursions! The next day, I woke up early and decided to go watch the sun rise on the beach.

Breathtaking.

The entire week there was fabulous. I am slightly sad to be home, though, as I have to face up to some of the stuff that was hanging over me before I left. I must admit that I was a bit of a coward, and skipped my workout today because I was not ready to face my friend that I recently ‘broke up’ with. I am going to use today to build my courage back up and get back in there tomorrow, confident with the knowledge that I AM DOING THE RIGHT THING!

… right?

RIGHT!

Smiles from Playacar…

Some people are just plain toxic. My bro-in-law does stupid, thoughtless crap sometimes, but he is not toxic - just stubborn. Like… even though I can’t stand him right now, if my world completely collapsed from underneath me tomorrow, he would be there for me to help me pick up the pieces. Stupid ass that he is. He’s still my bro and I still love him.

But two weeks ago, I had the sneaking suspicion that one of my burgeoning new friendships were toxic. I asked for feedback from some people, and their opinion was that I should let it ride out and see what happened. So I agreed and I sort of sat back and let it play out to see how things would turn out. My gut instinct was right, and yesterday, things were unmistakably clear that it was a TOXIC RELATIONSHIP. So this morning, I had to tell her I would not be her friend. It was such a hard email to write. I tried to tell her in person yesterday, but she wasn’t listening to me, so I wrote her an email which was very explicit that I could not be her friend.

The unreasonable part of my brain tells me that I am mean, horrible, cruel, insensitive and lack compassion for choosing to be out of her life. The rational part of my brain consoles me and tells me that it’s okay, that I need to look out for my own emotional health FIRST, and that being posioned by her would not do anyone any good. So I did it.

I squashed the friendship I was so unbelievably happy about discovering not even a month ago. It’s been a sad day, but also a good one. A part of me grew up again.

Yesterday as I was eating dinner (chicken breast and green beans. Mmmmmmm), I decided that today would be the day that I would stop being so bummed about my family. It has been over a week since it started, and while I was not down the entire time, I have been soooooooo blue since mid-last week that it was just ridiculous! SERIOUSLY. My only sibling and I USED to be so close, and while I told myself we were drifting apart because we lived in different countries, I knew deep down there were other issues at hand. Last week I had to acknowledge them and I won’t lie - I was crushed. But I decided to stop being so damn hurt. My brother in law is SUCH A PIG. I have a few saying about pigs (they don’t all apply here, but). Here they are:

1) For every pig, there’s a pig f*cker. (Crass, I know. LMAO!!!)

2) Never argue with a pig - it’ll only frustrate you and annoy the pig.

3) Never wrestle with a pig - you’ll get dirty and the pig likes it.

Most (all?) of us probably have to deal with ‘pigs’ in our lives. And it’s okay to be sad/angry/hurt about the presence of those pigs.

LMAO! (Not too sure what I was thinking in this picture!) But Life’s so much more enjoyable when you smile. And if you don’t feel like smiling, fake it til you make it.

I’m still ‘faking it’ this morning, but as it always happens when I put my heart on getting out of my funk, I make it before I know it. Perhaps I’m already there.

Minus 1.5 horrible days of emotional, I-could-care-less-about-what-I’m-eating, I have been right on the mark! I missed 5 scheduled workouts, but that streak ends today! Today’s going to be AMAZING. I claimed it! Hope your day’s just as terrific.

My sister and brother in law responded. And while it’s probably better in the long run to have this all out in the open, I am pretty miserable right now. SO! I refused to spend the day feeling sorry for myself. I am still not happy about things, but I know this is one of those matters where I need to sit back, and let things ride out as the only person I can control in this situation is myself.

So what’s a girl to do when miserable?

SHOP! My newest bud and I went SHOPPING!!!!! She’s sort of funny. She always compliments my clothes, and has commented that I need to take her shopping and give her fashion advice, so we finally made it out today. It a tough experience trying to dress someone else! I almost never try on my clothes - I’ll just look at it (online or in the store), and know if I’ll like the way it looks on me or not. But her body is so different from my own. She said she wanted to dress like me, so I picked out things I would pick out for myself - but they didn’t suit her frame, so it was a bit frustrating for her. She was feeling discouraged. She also said she felt really fat. She is completely babalicious and FAR from fat - but the clothes that I picked for her to try on were not flattering. I felt horrible!! Eek! So we took a break, and got some coffee. On our way out of Border’s, we entered this drawing for some silly contest. The guy who was running the stand was really cute, and L was sooooooo into him. LOL!! It was so cute. So we stayed there for a bit, and I was trying to get the conversation flowing since she was acting all shy and cute around him, and as we were leaving the store, I was like, "YOU LIKED HIM, didn’t you?! Go ask him out!". She giggled and said he was soooooooo cute, but she was too shy. So I asked if she’d be okay with me asking for his number, and she agreed, albeit a bit reluctantly. So I went in there, and he seemed thrilled by my question! I ran outside to L, waving the piece of paper out like a victory flag, and we giggled until our sides hurt. So although shopping wasn’t altogether succesful, it was still a good day.

9 more days. I can do this.

My forearm is getting that tell-tale hollowed out look when I am leaning out. Yay? I wish it would take the fat off of my STOMACH instead of my already skinny forearms. LOL! I am only a few pounds away from when I was my leanest in early April, but it definitely looks different this time around. I thought I added some muscle to my frame so I was anticipating looking more musclar at a slightly higher weight, but for some reason, it looks like I have even LESS than I did that first time! I see this particularly in my abs. Eh. I’m not going to worry too much about it because I know I am eating right, I geared my workouts towards leaning out, and all other areas of fitness are in line with my goals, so onwards I go! No room for hesitations or second guessing now!

I did something really tough yesterday. I wrote an email to my sister and brother in law, and aired out some of my grievances with them that I had been keeping in for a few years. It was sooooo hard to press the send button. But send it, I did. And I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. That is, until I saw their reply this morning. It was something along the lines of, "We got your email. We are thinking of how to respond to you. Later."

Ugggh. That was SO not the response I was hoping for. This is my first real confrontation with my family, and I feel SO much anxiety over it, it’s not even funny!!! I am crossing my fingers that a week from now, I will look back on this and think of how awesome it was for me to do something that is so out of my comfort zone. I wish it was next week already, and I could be away from all this tension…

Can anyone relate to This girl?

Me neither.

LOL!! This is what I will be tomorrow evening. Not for me, but for my new little friend, L! She said that she really admires the way I handle myself with men, and she wants to ‘learn’ from me. LMAO! I KNOW, right?! Nobody has ever said that to me before!! I know she meant it as a compliment, but it took me a few moments to take it as such. I was mildly insulted initially, thinking, “I’m NOT A FLIRT!”. But I tried to step back and see it from her perspective. I do make eye contact with most men I see, I do smile at them, and I guess my clothing can be interpreted as ‘flirtatious’. But I also make eye contact with most women I see, smile at women, and I dress to please me and no others. So I processed the comment, decided to be flattered I had a little ‘protege’ who wanted to come under my wing, and agreed to accompany her to a bar tomorrow night. LOL! I will be out of my element here because it’s been several years since I have last been to a bar. But the rules never really change, do they? Here’s to hoping I can be a good ‘teacher’ and that L will find someone worthwhile to connect with! With us luck!

I skipped my workout yesterday and upped my calories ever so slightly to help boost my energy levels back to normal. But this morning doesn’t feel any better. I think the problem may be my carbs. I cut off starchy carbs around 3:00 every afternoon, and my breakfasts are devoid of them as well, and while it was fine for the first week, I think my glycogen stores are pretty depleted, so I’m running out of gas. So I just filled myself up with some peanut butter oatmeal (PB2 is the BEST for getting the flavor without all the oil!), and started including carbs back into my breakfast today. I already feel better! I’m going to KILL my workout circuit and spinning class today. I can already tell!

Here’s a picture that captures how I feel today. This is when I was off to visit the Queen in London. Hehehehe! Have a fabulous day!

I’m chicken shit. Since my last blog, I decided I really needed to be direct with umbrella dude. I didn’t want to involve anyone at the gym without another opportunity to be really upfront and honest with how uncomfortable he was making me. I gave myself a HUGE talking to every morning before my gym session. It sounded something like this:

“Be DIRECT with him! Tell him again about how you’re not interested. While talking to him, keep your voice neutral, make eye contact, give him a cool smile, but nothing on your expression should give him any indication that your indirect communication is contradicting what you’re saying to him. If possible, throw some humor in there, and joke about how you think he might be a stalker.”

So that was my game plan. Miraculously, I have not seen him for a few days. But this morning, I saw him. He was walking towards me, and I spotted him just as I turned the corner from the lockerroom. But he hadn’t seen me. Yet. I was unprepared. I forgot what I was going to say.

So I hid behind a plant.

I ACTUALLY HID BEHIND A PLANT!!! I mean, when I realized what I did, I pretended I was just moving out of the way to tie my shoelace. I’m SUCH A COWARD! I’m annoyed with myself! Shit. What made it even worse was that the stupid plant did not even remotely hide me. DUH! HAHAHAHA!!!! So he sees me of course, and goes, “What are you doing in there?”

“Ooh.. I’m just.. tying my shoe. I gotta run!” And with that, I fled. I was so busy trying to get out of there, I sort of ran into this woman pretty hard. Ughhhh. It wasn’t a promising start to the day. But once I got to the weights, I took a deep breath, looked at myself in the mirror and smiled at myself. I told myself it was going to be okay, there would be another chance to practice being assertive and proactive, and that I was a work in progress. Zorba the Greek once described himself as “the whole catastrophe”, and I often think of that phrase as I assess my faults, and nitpick myself to death! I know there is nothing wrong with bettering oneself… but something I also need to remember is that while I frantically ‘fix’ myself, I also need to accept all aspects of ME. The good, the bad and the ugly.

Anyway, I had a nice session at the weights (total body circuit training), with an hour of spinning afterwards! I also met another women at the gym. A fellow Canadian! I could NOT have been more delighted! I smiled all the way home.

My laptop, while temporarily stablized, will be giving out on me soon. I am starting to look around for another one, and am using this time to clean up all my old files. I found a picture of me from last winter, and think I’d like to get back to about this size.

And if you want a laugh, scroll down and have a look at my yearbook picture from the 12th grade. *Cringes*.

LMAO!!!!