JJanet

http://forum.bodybuilding.com/showthread.php?p=184616351#post184616351

Check out this contest!! As far as I’m concerned, they’re ALL winners for making and posting a video clip of themselves like that! But I am rooting for one meanie in particular.

Some people are just plain toxic. My bro-in-law does stupid, thoughtless crap sometimes, but he is not toxic - just stubborn. Like… even though I can’t stand him right now, if my world completely collapsed from underneath me tomorrow, he would be there for me to help me pick up the pieces. Stupid ass that he is. He’s still my bro and I still love him.

But two weeks ago, I had the sneaking suspicion that one of my burgeoning new friendships were toxic. I asked for feedback from some people, and their opinion was that I should let it ride out and see what happened. So I agreed and I sort of sat back and let it play out to see how things would turn out. My gut instinct was right, and yesterday, things were unmistakably clear that it was a TOXIC RELATIONSHIP. So this morning, I had to tell her I would not be her friend. It was such a hard email to write. I tried to tell her in person yesterday, but she wasn’t listening to me, so I wrote her an email which was very explicit that I could not be her friend.

The unreasonable part of my brain tells me that I am mean, horrible, cruel, insensitive and lack compassion for choosing to be out of her life. The rational part of my brain consoles me and tells me that it’s okay, that I need to look out for my own emotional health FIRST, and that being posioned by her would not do anyone any good. So I did it.

I squashed the friendship I was so unbelievably happy about discovering not even a month ago. It’s been a sad day, but also a good one. A part of me grew up again.

Okay, I’m a big cheater. :p I don’t want to take a full progress shot! And I don’t think I want to take it in a week, either! I look pretty much like that last bikini shot I took in April. I cannot BEAR to call it ‘progress’ when it is more of a ‘regress’! LOL!!!! So I cheated. Here’s my quad.

My sister and brother in law responded. And while it’s probably better in the long run to have this all out in the open, I am pretty miserable right now. SO! I refused to spend the day feeling sorry for myself. I am still not happy about things, but I know this is one of those matters where I need to sit back, and let things ride out as the only person I can control in this situation is myself.

So what’s a girl to do when miserable?

SHOP! My newest bud and I went SHOPPING!!!!! She’s sort of funny. She always compliments my clothes, and has commented that I need to take her shopping and give her fashion advice, so we finally made it out today. It a tough experience trying to dress someone else! I almost never try on my clothes - I’ll just look at it (online or in the store), and know if I’ll like the way it looks on me or not. But her body is so different from my own. She said she wanted to dress like me, so I picked out things I would pick out for myself - but they didn’t suit her frame, so it was a bit frustrating for her. She was feeling discouraged. She also said she felt really fat. She is completely babalicious and FAR from fat - but the clothes that I picked for her to try on were not flattering. I felt horrible!! Eek! So we took a break, and got some coffee. On our way out of Border’s, we entered this drawing for some silly contest. The guy who was running the stand was really cute, and L was sooooooo into him. LOL!! It was so cute. So we stayed there for a bit, and I was trying to get the conversation flowing since she was acting all shy and cute around him, and as we were leaving the store, I was like, "YOU LIKED HIM, didn’t you?! Go ask him out!". She giggled and said he was soooooooo cute, but she was too shy. So I asked if she’d be okay with me asking for his number, and she agreed, albeit a bit reluctantly. So I went in there, and he seemed thrilled by my question! I ran outside to L, waving the piece of paper out like a victory flag, and we giggled until our sides hurt. So although shopping wasn’t altogether succesful, it was still a good day.

9 more days. I can do this.

My forearm is getting that tell-tale hollowed out look when I am leaning out. Yay? I wish it would take the fat off of my STOMACH instead of my already skinny forearms. LOL! I am only a few pounds away from when I was my leanest in early April, but it definitely looks different this time around. I thought I added some muscle to my frame so I was anticipating looking more musclar at a slightly higher weight, but for some reason, it looks like I have even LESS than I did that first time! I see this particularly in my abs. Eh. I’m not going to worry too much about it because I know I am eating right, I geared my workouts towards leaning out, and all other areas of fitness are in line with my goals, so onwards I go! No room for hesitations or second guessing now!

I did something really tough yesterday. I wrote an email to my sister and brother in law, and aired out some of my grievances with them that I had been keeping in for a few years. It was sooooo hard to press the send button. But send it, I did. And I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. That is, until I saw their reply this morning. It was something along the lines of, "We got your email. We are thinking of how to respond to you. Later."

Ugggh. That was SO not the response I was hoping for. This is my first real confrontation with my family, and I feel SO much anxiety over it, it’s not even funny!!! I am crossing my fingers that a week from now, I will look back on this and think of how awesome it was for me to do something that is so out of my comfort zone. I wish it was next week already, and I could be away from all this tension…

Can anyone relate to This girl?

Me neither.