Linda Cusmano ‘OUT FOR BLOOD 2011′

this past month or so was a scrap, I got no where, started okay but have had worse back issue, so its been sketchy….I am going to start a new journal…………
I have to look at myself as a client and really crush this ego which is ruling me.
I go in to train moderate and instead I am always pushing, always trying to lift more and lift heavier and actually I get into the habit of getting ornry when I cannot do something so I will then go back and keep at it til I get hurt……when I cannot do something its normally due to injury anyway……so to prove to myself I can still do it, rather than wait til I feel better I push.  I really do know better, and am aware but just cannot seem to fight my ego sometimes.
I have to get over this obsession with heavy lifts, constantly trying to prove to myself how strong I am, competing with the world, men too, to lift heavier than those around me etc…..it so silly.  I get in there and am strong but am never happy so I push.  I guess since I am not focusing this energy on my old anorexic behaviours it comes out in other ways.  letting go of squats and deads is hard, I will do them and can only go light, so I try to push to moderate on the next set and then suffer in pain, and I just cannot stop doing them, I get in and say I wont but then  I do………its such a psycho deal and ……..I guess its just more growing right?
so I actually backed off on yoga yesterday rather than push to cripple myself, I am feeling motivated again to work at it and am going to set myself montly goals instead of looking too far, I may have to forfeit competing this year if my back acts up too badly and if its not in Vancouver that won’t be such a big deal but if its local I will do it no matter what and watch me end up coming in in better shape next year since I am so paranoid right now about everything, and just being anal.
Actually, Erin, if you read this, you asked about motivation and I think those short term goals is the way to go.  NOw in your case, I would say that those gatherings between now and the new year are a good goal.  Is there a dress or outfit you want to fit into to look drop dead hot?  I would think about the parties, the big ones and aiming to turn some heads and have people come to you asking….how did you do it?  Looking to you for diet and training advice.
I think getting on here more will work for us all to remotivate each other I have missed each day and I would come and read and not post, one for time but also because I had not much to say feeling that if I am failing myself I will definately not be helpful at that time…..but I always bounce back.  We all do!!
Chicks are so strong.
I have also been looking at a project and working on getting it to the next level, have picked up on work and had many pondering moments where I prob could be on here but was just sitting and thinking……trying to figure out how my life will now proceed with my new body.  having thin discs means I have to face lifestyle changes again……..some of it is hard to swallow but again its ego.  We feel we have to invincible and we are ashamed to feel pain and say we need help………I know this is not just me and I know better but I guess I am human too.
I let everything fall behind that was not needing immediate attention, so my inbox is  again up to 200 emails.
I am prob going to put notes on my other groups to come here instead so I can cut some time down a bit and be around more as I never have time to go to those groups and post much.
It is hard to face that I may not be able to do kickboxing, dance or gymnastics anymore, and that I will have to do fitness routines without these elements I love but my acu says that we can beat this and I need to be patient, and do what I would advise a client…..well duh, but again ego, I am invincible………..see the problem????  Well I am working on it…….
Linda