I didn’t think I was going to actually write about this, but it has been rattling around in my brain for almost a month now and I figure this is the best way to get it out. For anyone who has been following my Blog or posts you know that I spent the better part of last year aiming for a Cruise I was taking with friends and co-workers over Halloween. 24 weeks of clean bulking and then 16 weeks cutting (8 weeks hard cutting) led me to what I believe was the best shape I have been in in my life – and as close to my “lifetime” fitness goal (looking even remotely like Gregg Avedon) as I have ever been.
Now my co-workers and friends lived this with me (how could they not) and one of them even started the journey with me in the form of a friendly competition of who would look best by the pool on the cruise. –
–A little more about the competition –
My friend who I was doing the competition has worked out for years, has a similar goal as mine, and lives with a personal trainer who trains him. This was always meant to be more of a support system and not an actual competition – a friendly we are in this together and are actually going to get there this time…
-Back to the story-
Well my friend I was doing the competition with had a pretty successful bulk, but by the 2 week of the light cutting he was eating pie and potato chips at lunch and was missing workouts. The light banter about the competition became talk about not having to be obsessive to get results. I have to admit I was a little frustrated by this because I knew the cutting was going to only get harder and now the person I was counting on for some solidarity basically was gone. Then to make matters worse by the time the hard cut came around I just got sullen silence as I ate chicken breast and greens for lunch or snarky “you’re grumpy” and “you are swimming in your clothes” comments from everyone.
- Fast forward to the cruise –
Now I am no dummy, I know by this point that there is some undercurrent about my getting in shape, but I also was getting some light hearted ribbing about how I was going to be sick the first time I loaded up at the buffet and joking gasps of “OMG he is eating carbs! Take a picture”. So I figured all was well and people would be happy for me especially since 2 -3 of my good friends who were (one of whom was the competition guy) there knew that not only was this a big step in me throwing off a yoke of poor body image / self consciousness that has plagued me for years, but also this was the equivalent of me achieving something I had only dreamed of since I was in Jr. High.
So I start to realize something is up the first morning of the cruise after I go to the gym to work out. I am drying off and looking in the mirror and I get a snarky “get over yourself” from my friend who I was doing the now failed competition with. I am a little shaken by this and just give a “dude, I am just drying off” and leave it at that.
Out by the pool I basically get deserted and end up by myself the whole first day. This is not necessarily an intentional thing, we were all over the ship that first day and quite frankly I was fine to have the time alone. The disheartening part was that I was thinking I would at least get an even joking remark on the results of all my efforts from one of the many of our group walked by where I was and just kept on walking.
I spoke to one of the girls in the group and remarked on the comment “competition guy” made, and got an earful. Basically it boiled down to I am an ego maniac and the whole competition thing was to give me an ego boost and to show up “competition guy”. In addition I was told “yeah. We saw you from the bar when you were looking for us by the pool, but we couldn’t catch up to you” – I did at least 3 circuits around the pool and by the bar within earshot of where they were – and later I heard that my looking for people from our group was actually “strutting to stroke my ego”
-Long story short –
Huge disappointment for me on the cruise. I don’t know what I was expecting, I know life isn’t a Sitcom, but did want to be for once the “fit guy” in the group and, I guess, recognized as such – even if it was to be ribbed for it.
Big “why the hell did I do all this if I get no payoff or negative payoff from my friends”
And finally “F them”, This was always for me. I workout and diet because I WANT it. Sure, friends that are helpful and supportive and hell “friendly” about it would be nice, but my life and goals have always been a struggle and I will still look better, and feel better, in SPITE of my friends. To let them stop me or tear me down just lets them win. All of “them” past and present who have fed my desire for these goals and who I have let scare me out of achieving them.
My motivation is from ME, for ME, and by ME. Everything else is just gravy or bullsh!t.
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