~Heather’s World~

Enough!
Enough of the sh*t! That’s exactly what my therapist told me! I went to see her on Saturday morning and I was already in tears and in a frenzy before I could sit on the couch. I have to say, she was totally and full engaged in our conversation.
I sat on the couch and she said, Heather how has your week been? I looked at her and said, OMG! I’m coming undone and I am officially holding it all together w/ a thin thread. She was like, Okay-what happened.
I went through this past week’s events and told her everything! I told her about my 2 day candy eating hiatus, the issues at work, the bickering and fussing with my dad, my eating patterns, sleep patterns, how crappy my workouts had been, my issues w/ the kid at work-I just let the dam literally break!
I went on to tell her about my lack of money managing skills and how I start to have anxiety thinking about paying rent and bills, and what if I can’t do it.
I told her about this girl at the gym, we’ll just call her ‘abs’, because I have no clue what her name is, but I see her all the time and yes, she has a great midsection-but that’s it. The rest of her body is okay! She can’t hold a candle to me! Anyhow, the girl was on the elliptical and turned around and gave me this look, like, ha-ha…and turned around! As God is my witness, I was ready to jump over that machine and ring her neck! I was so pissed and the killer part is that she is UGLY! She has no cuts, no definition, but the girl has a banging midsection! I have to give credit where it’s due!
As I’m going on and on, the Dr. listened and she was like, you went on a 2 day candy eating hiatus? I was like yeah, I did. I ate nothing but candy for 2 days! She told me that I was reverting back to being a little girl! I was like..WTF? She went on to say, when you were little mommy and daddy gave you CANDY when you were mad or having a tantrum. When you were mad at mommy and daddy, you went to Nana’s house and Nana gave you…? “Candy or chocolate”-I responded.
 She was like, ENOUGH Heather! You are a grown women! You are not that little girl anymore. You are an adult! Why can’t you have a midsection like that girl at the gym? I put my head down and said, because I eat to much damn candy! She said why- I said, because it makes me feel better! She was like, really-it makes you feel better, if that was the case then you wouldn’t be having an anxiety attack about it!
She asked me if I logged my meals down-I told her not anymore. She asked why not, I told her, because I’m lazy and I don’t feel like writing it and if I don’t write it, it’s as if it didn’t happen! She said, that is a lie! You know you ate it, you are in denial! Hmmm..she was right! She asked me if I logged my expenses down, I told her no. she said why, I responded it takes to much time! She was like, Heather let me tell you what a responsible adult is going to do-TAKE MATTERS INTO THEIR HANDS AND SAY TO HELL W/ THE REST OF IT!
I told her about my dad and how it’s just coming to a head! I told her about work and how I feel like I’ m going to just lose my mind and she told me, ENOUGH HEATHER! ENOUGH! STOP PUTTING YOUR WELL BEING, PEACE, AND CALMNESS ON THE BACK BUIRNER FOR EVERYONE ELSE!  YOU CAN NOT LIVE YOUR LIFE WORRYING OR BEING ANXIOUS BECAUSE OF EVERYONE ELSE!
I told her that the past few weeks my workouts have been terrible, because my mind is just racing back and forth and I just can’t go in there and kick ass anymore! She said, So-you mean to tell me, the one place you do have peace and serenity at, you are allowing everything and everyone to steal that away from you. I sat there and thought about it and said, I guess I am! Yet again she said, Enough Heather!
I told her about the ‘Kid’ at work and how he just threw me under the bus when I was flipping out! I told her, I couldn’t believe him! He was inconsiderate and totally unconcerned about MY wellbeing! He didn’t say, do you want to go talk, is there anything I can do! He said, Relax, you’ll be okay! I was pissed-that brought on more anxiety!
She said, ohhh-so because Heather didn’t get babied, Heather abused herself w/ candy! Correct, I said, I guess. She said, No-there is no, I guess, it’s either yes or no. So I said, yeah-I was just mad and I didn’t know what to do. She said, you build a wall to protect yourself, you get up and walk away, you say enough! That is what you do! You need to take YOUR life and tell everyone that is trying to step on your toes, enough! When people serve you shit, then Heather-you serve sh*t right back to them! My jaw dropped and my eyes got big! I just thought, oh my! She swore! Lol!
 She went on to tell me that I am in control of myself and myself alone! She said, Heather, you can NOT expect anyone else to talk to you to calm you down, talk you out of a binge or give you peace and sanity! You need to learn how to become self effiecent! You have to love you enough to say, ENOUGH OF THE B.S! Love yourself enough to be responsible for your actions! You can’t blame the candy binge on anxiety! Candy is your drug! What do alcoholics do-they quit cold turkey and go to AA! It needs to stop now, but only you have the power to stop it! She went on to tell me that I am so much stronger and smarter then I give myself credit for!
We talked a lot about the relationship w/ my dad and that has a lot to do w/ my anxiety as well. I realize now that I have so much anger towards him. I love him, but I don’t really like him. I keep hoping and praying for this great picture perfect relationship and it’s NOT going to happen! She told me, I need to come to grips w/ that and let it go. It’s hard to do, but I’m working on it. He and I have no relationship. I can’t even be in the same room w/ him. I never thought I’d get to the point that I would say that! I see him as a man now, not just dad! I see his selfishness, the fact that is so hypercritical, the fact that he is NOT fair, etc. The list could go on and on. yes, it hurts, because as a kid-I had picture perfect memories of my dad, but as an adult-it’s been nothing but arguing, fussing, and cussing.-just bickering.
I realize that these are growing pains and they freaking hurt like hell, but I am at a cornerstone in my life and I need to learn that at the end of it all-it’s me for me! I can only do the best that I can! I can’t be a captain save a hoe to my coworkers at work who have half a brain! I can’t do everything perfect-every time! I can’t allow life to kill me, I need to kill it! Right now, I’m in the process of saving to finally move out, alone! I don’t want a room mate and I definitely do NOT want to live w/ another man, I want to be alone, in my own space! So, I bought a small notebook to log my spending-like the dr ordered! I started logging my meals, workouts-moods, etc as well!
However, she was right about everything! So this weekend I said-DAMNIT! ENOUGH! ENOUGH! AND ENOUGH! I have had it! When you have truly had enough-you will do what you have to do and I am at that point! Saturday after I left the doctor I was just in a daze. I went to the gym Saturday night and had a great workout, I relaxed-ALONE AND IN PEACE. I worked out for about an hour and half and then I went in the steam room, Jacuzzi, and then swam for a little while and right back to the Jacuzzi. I felt so relaxed.
I sat in the steam room and I began to cry-I was alone, so I was okay with it. I cried and I just said to myself-this is it! I’m finished w/ the garbage! I’m tired of flipping out! I’m tired of letting everyone and everything control me and get me! I’m tired of it and it ends today! I meant that! It won’t happen over night, it’s a process.
You see, this challenge is about building a strong, healthy, holistic balance to LIFE! Life is NOT just about the gym! Were all at home or work more then at the gym-what is life like outside of the gym! Mines is a mess and it was so out of hand that it carried over into the gym and that meant sh*t had to change and it had to change quick! My binges had gotten so bad that co-workers started to notice and call me out on my binges! Shit needed to change and it needed to change quickly!
I have had enough and today, I’m telling everyone-kick rocks! Today, I am brushing my shoulders off! I already went off this morning and frankly I feel good! I went off and I got up and went for a small walk outside and I feel good! I just said what I had to, got my coffee walked around the block and I just kept telling myself-ENOUGH! Enough! I have had enough!
I’m happy to say that I was fine! J
We all need to learn when, Enough is Enough! Enough of half assing in our lives, workouts, eating, finances, etc! Enough! It’s great to have family and friends who love and support you, but when the dust settles and you are alone at night-you have got to learn how to shut that garbage off and keep on keeping on! Life is a canvas-WTF are you willing to paint- Half of a picture or a whole picture? Are willing to give YOUR paint and paint brushes to someone else or are you ready to take it and paint! I’m ready to take my damn paint and all my paint brushes back! It’s my canvas and I want to paint my own picture! If you do NOT like it, then be advised to turn your head, because I have had enough of sharing my CANVAS w/ these knuckle-heads!
Now, that is all she wrote and that is my ‘blurb’ for the day-ENOUGH!!

The past few days have been rather crappy to be totally honest. The past few days I have been feuding w/ someone close to me, I have struggled with my eating, anxiety, work outs, and work. Needless to say, I didn’t rack up a whole lot of points.
So, onto my blurb! Well, first of all-anxiety is NO joke. If you don’t have it-you will not understand how it feels. Yesterday was the first time I can remember having a panic attack on the job. I walked into the bathroom-the handicap stall and I was hyperventilating and started to cry! I had just had it with everything. Literally my mind and heart were just racing and I could feel my heart pounding as if it was going to jump clear outta my chest! So, what caused me to go overboard-well, first of all, things had got bad at work. We just had all of these problems yesterday and our whole group got in trouble and then I had personally messed up on a few things! Anxiety! I checked my checking account balance and realized that I had less money then  I thought~it made me think about when I move out. So I thought, omg-if I can’t manage my money now-how am I going to do it when I’m on my own?! Major anxiety! I went to take my anxiety medicine, I was all out and called to check on my refill-dr. wouldn’t refill it-ANXIETY! I started thinking about the argument that my dad ad I had got into and it just worked my nerves-ANIXETY! I left the office and went to Walgreen’s and bought about 30$ worth of candy! I got back to work and started pacifying myself-ANXIETY! I thought about the kid that I like and how he was so inconsiderate of how I was feeling-anxiety! I thought of the other person I’m dating and how the situation is so complicated-anxiety. Yes, I had major anxiety yesterday. I was not happy. I just lost it. I ate candy ALL DAY! yes! Everyone thought I had completely and totally lost my mind! I even took a picture midway though of the candy wrappers! (I should get a point for that!)
The fact of the matter is that I do NOT handle stress well! As a matter of fact, I don’t think I really don’t know how to deal w/ stress other then w/ candy and sweets. I feel like I am literally stuck between a rock and a hard place. I am 28, going on 29 and I am trying to grow up over night and frankly, it’s hard as hell! Life is no cake walk! Life is NOT easy! Growing up scares me! Not depending on my parents-scares me! The idea of  having to pay rent and worry about paying gas and electric and all the bills-it scares me and I panic and flip out! Yet, I’m at the point where home is no longer peaceful. So it’s either grow up get right or deal w/ the day to day stress and anxiety!  
I feel as if growing up is like having a child! Right now, I’m going through the morning sickness, nausea ness, etc! It hurts and I’m tired, like a pregnant women ready to give birth-she just wants the baby-OUT! Symbolically that is how I feel!
I realize that old habits die hard-eg, my binges and emotional eating. I feel as if it has gotten worse w/ my anxiety. I have completely went overboard and I know in my heart-it’s time to let that part of me r.i.p. Literally I need to allow that part of me to pass away. I  can NOT live my live binging everytime I get stressed, that is just not healthy! If I do it now and have no kids, I’ll do it when I have kids and then pass this cycle onto them and I don’t want to do that!
I realize that I need this ‘In & Out’ challenge right now-because at the end of month, hopefully I will have some sort of balance. Right now, life is completely out of wack-from the bottom to the top and I know that I can NOT expect anyone to get it back in order for me, except me! I realize that I need to decide what is important and what is NOT important.
 Perfect example-my young kid at work! As gorgeous as he is-he is NOT what I need right now. I received 0 consideration or concern from him yesterday. Needless to say, I was completely and totally turned off! I made up my mind that this situation iss a wrap. I don’t have time to waste, I have so many things that I need to worry about and focus on and frankly I can NOT allow him to upset me or piss me off.
So-I haven’t logged my points for the past few days, but I will do that this weekend! However, I’m getting back focused on me and my goals! HH is looking for her mojo! Not just for the gym or eating, but for life, liberty and my own pursuit of happiness!
I have also decided to learn how to snow-board! So, I’m looking forward to working these legs out in the gym and beating this core up! Because we all know, you need strong legs and a strong core to do it and do it well. So, I’m looking forward to this!!

Friday’s Blurb…co-worker politely asked if he could…. 

So-I was coming back in the office from my morning run to dunkin doughnuts. I picked up 3 coffees, for my 2 boys and 1 for my myself. Anyhow, as I was getting ready to walk in, my co worker walks out and holds the door open for me! I gave him a hug and told him I just love him to death! As I let go and continued walking he said, can I just grab your tush, but not in a perverted way! It just looks great! Lol. I stopped and started laughing and said, thank you! I literally bust my butt working on my butt! He said, Well, I won’t believe it till I feel the muscle! I laughed and kept on walking and said, not today darling! Lol. 

So-what the heck does that have to do w/ you? Okay, first things first-I am the Ex-president of the flat butt club! That’s right; I am a former flat ass! I use to hate my butt and be totally self conscience of it! I think my butt is a great asset now! I am constantly getting compliments on my butt! Not only are the guys complimenting me, but the girls to! One girl at work told me I had the cutest little rump! Lol! I was floored! All I kept thinking was my goodness-my butt! The one thing other then my belly that I was super self conscience about-is now an asset and people notice it and compliment me on it! 

The truth is that I do bust my butt trying to build my butt. It’s not always easy or fun while I’m in the process-it’s the aftermath that is fun, like today-hey, can I grab your butt! Get the hell outta here! Lol. It’s so rewarding when people notice your hard work and give you props! It motivates me and helps to keep me on track. I’ve gotten more compliments on my butt in the past 2 months then I ever have and it’s awesome and I feel like, woooow! If I can build a booty that is compliment worthy-ANYONE CAN! I am finally able to resign as the flat butt president! AMEN! 

Next on the Friday’s blurb, I’ve come to the conclusion that youth is so sexy! Why? Well, I’m sure you all are aware of my little young co-worker that I talk to and flirt w/ all the time! Yes, he is a bit inconsiderate and can be a little stank at times. He actually pissed me off today with his sassy mouth-but I nipped that in the bud-quick, fast, and in a hurry. So, I’m not worried about it. However, despite those things, he is feisty and carefree! He always tries to cop a feel if we run into each other alone in the office or even when he walks me out to my car in the evening. He’ll give me a hug and peck and try to grab my tush. I told him, no more! You can’t do that! He says, I can’t help it! That’s definitely the youth. He is a little horn dog! He always wants to steal a kiss or a hug or something and it cracks me up! He makes me laugh and smile! He told me, lets go hide in the closet! I was like, ummm-not today darling! Sorry! Lol! He is a riot to me and he is absolutely hot! He’s to hot to be so damn young-my goodness! He even gave me a piggy back ride in the lot at work! That will definitely go down in the storybook! He makes me feel young! But, it is what it is and he’s just my little flirting buddy at work-if it went any further..well, just say HH wouldn’t be able to get rid of him. So, I leave it here and enjoy it and take it for what it is. 

My diet has been good this week-high protein, fat and low carbs! However, I will be cleanly carbing up on the weekends with an occasional treat! So far I feel great! I also don’t have the sugar highs and lows! I don’t miss the rice or pasta or oatmeal for that matter! Frankly-I’m pooped in regards to oatmeal and that stuff. That has never been my struggle-it’s always been the sweets! I have no cravings for them though, so that’s good! I do miss them, but I’m not bombarded w/ thoughts of candy running through my head! Amen for that! 

My workouts have been fairly good! Lifting is almost always on point, my cardio is coming back-slowly bur surely and I feel good about that. So as of right now, I am on track to building a better me. I am looking forward to the new challenge w/ the group. I’m going through my goals and I will post all that stuff up once the challenge begins! 

So that’s all today folks! 

Happy Friday!! 

Another Week, another Lesson Learned….
Well, after a terrible eating week-I sat down and had a heart to heart talk with none other then myself. I put so much time and energy into the gym, yet my diet is so completely half assed! It’s a cycle-good 2 weeks, fall off 3, good 2 weeks, fall off 3 weeks. What gives? You know?
The past few weeks eating wise have been the worst ever. Ever since we moved our seats around at work-it’s been bad, but last week and the week before were TERRIBLE! I can NOT begin to tell you about all of the crap I ate. Let’s just say, HH got blacklisted from the candy drawer! Yeah, I got blacklisted. They couldn’t believe how much candy I would eat!
The boys around me order big, fattening, lunches! Goodness, the grub smells so darn good! I admit, I have been ordering lunch waaay to much-more so more now then ever. Even when I don’t order, they always share w/ me. They never force me, but it’s always, ‘here sweetie! Taste this! It is phenomenal!” Well, sweetie always tastes and eats way to much! Let’s not even mention the mid afternoon coffee runs!! Yeah..so all in all diet has been complete and total crap.
I came to the realization that I was burnt out on baked chicken, tuna, veggies, and all the good stuff. I was freaking burnt out! I brought my lunch and made my food for the whole week and it’s still sitting in the fridge! (well, I have done well today-chicken and rice, chicken and broccoli-etc.) All last week I was overdosing on yogurt (f.f.), raisin bran, etc. The diet world has been  something nasty!!!
Well, Saturday-I met w/ my therapist again. It was an easy going session. No tears this week, more giggles and aha moments. Okay-Let me recap on my Tuesday morning before I go any further. Monday night around midnight I received a few restricted calls on my phone-obviously I didn’t pick up. Tuesday, before I could really get in the office good and get focused, my phone is ringing again-restricted calls. Yet again, I do NOT pick the calls up. A few minutes later, my line at my desk rings..so, hh is thinking-WTF! I pick up, it’s a lady calling for me and leaves her name and number. Nothing rang a bell. The area code was NOT local. Well, I asked one of my boys what area code it was-Birmingham, AL. Bingo! It dawned on me. So, then-I check my email. I get an email from this infamous lady that has blew up my phone. Yeah, hold onto your seats-the plot gets thicker.
The infamous women calling and emailing me was the wife of someone I use to date-well, had a fling w/ about 4 years back. Yeah. I did NOT know she existed-nor did I know about the 3 kids he had.
Her email was nice and respectful. I about flipped the hell out! I ordered breakfast and that was the day I got blacklisted from the candy drawer. I was spazing out! All I kept thinking is was this ******* married when we were seeing other? How could he lie about 3 kids! I was just in a tailspin of emotions! I was angry because of the principal-not because I was in love or wanted him anymore.
So, I got up the nerve and I called the married Mrs. back. I talked to her about 30 minutes and I spilled my guts. I shared everything w/ her. She broke down crying on the phone. She found out about me due to sheer carelessness. She got home from school and he never closed his email out and she saw an email between us and then found all these pictures of me. (she even complimented me and said that I looked great and it was quite clear that I worked out-a lot.) Him and I remained friends since we met. We would just email one another occasionally.
I never knew that he was married. It was quite the bullet to swallow. I was pissed off. I was hurt because I had to be the one to tell her everything. I mean, come on there is no nice way to say-I’m sorry I screwed your husband. Yeah, right. It would’ve been one thing if I had known about her and I was just being a jezebel-but it’s a different ballgame when you don’t have a clue as to what reality really is! Needless to say, by the time Tuesday ended I was so mentally drained, I didn’t even train! I was tired, drained, and just mentally taken for a loop!
So now we can fast forward to Saturday morning. I told my dr. the whole story and I told her how I literally spazed out and just flew off the rocker and I also told her bad my eating had been that day.
When I flip out I throw my hands up by my head and I say, OMG! Are you kidding me? That’s symbolic for: HEATHER IS ‘BOUT TO FLIP THE HELL OUT IN 2.5 SECONDS. From that point, my anxiety kicks in and so does the crazy eating or shopping.
So, she showed me some techniques of how to deal w/ my anxiety while at work to relax myself, mentally and physically. She told me feeding my anxiety w/ food or shopping, is like feeding a monster and it will NEVER be satisfied, it will always want more!
So lets fast forward to this morning-shall we? A co-worker of mine made a lil comment in regards to my personal life. It’s another long, lovely complicated situation. Long story short-he met the wife of a dude I use to see and who I am still very good friends w/. Anyhow, the comment just pissed me off and completely got under my skin. Yep, the hands went up, only to be followed w/ OMG, are you freaking kidding me.
So, I tried the technique and to my surprise it kinda worked. No candy, no binge-I was okay. I just opted for a skinny latte after I could feel myself calming down.
I am realizing that I need to learn how to deal w/ my emotions and anxiety, not just spaz out and eat. That just creates a bigger problem! I need to allow myself to be mad, happy, sad, depressed, whatever. Feel the emotions and keep on truckin. That’s what I’m learning.
Basically, she instructed me to sit and contract my muscles as tight as I could and take very deep, deep breaths and as I relax my muscles-exhale. To my surprise it worked today. So, I’m happy about that. I’m still on track w/ my diet today-for the most part.
She instructed me to look at my eating the same way I look at my workout. Go heavy or go home. She told me I need to attack my eating and my eating patterns as I attack my workouts. So, that’s my goal this week. I’m back to logging everything and I’m going to start w/ my supplements again tomorrow. I have been taking my n.o. and protein though.
So this week I’m focusing on my eating, drinking more water, and using my relaxation techniques instead of food to relax me. I have to attack my eating as I attack the gym. It can be done. I just have to take it one day a time. I have to stop beating myself up. I also have to buckle down on my cardio and ab training-both of them have been pretty half ass and non-existant. Nothing I want will ever come to be if I don’t cover all ends. I can do it-I know I can, I just have to make up my mind. I don’t want to look like everyone-I want to stand above them. You know. Be better then the rest. Then I keep thinking, I’m going on vacation next year as well. I want to look and feel better at 29 then at 28. As I age, I’m trying to get better, wiser, stronger, etc. I’m trying to move forward NOT backwards. So-that’s my soapbox speal for the day!
*Yours in health & fitness-HH*

Another Week, another Lesson Learned….
Well, after a terrible eating week-I sat down and had a heart to heart talk with none other then myself. I put so much time and energy into the gym, yet my diet is so completely half assed! It’s a cycle-good 2 weeks, fall off 3, good 2 weeks, fall off 3 weeks. What gives? You know?
The past few weeks eating wise have been the worst ever. Ever since we moved our seats around at work-it’s been bad, but last week and the week before were TERRIBLE! I can NOT begin to tell you about all of the crap I ate. Let’s just say, HH got blacklisted from the candy drawer! Yeah, I got blacklisted. They couldn’t believe how much candy I would eat!
The boys around me order big, fattening, lunches! Goodness, the grub smells so darn good! I admit, I have been ordering lunch waaay to much-more so more now then ever. Even when I don’t order, they always share w/ me. They never force me, but it’s always, ‘here sweetie! Taste this! It is phenomenal!” Well, sweetie always tastes and eats way to much! Let’s not even mention the mid afternoon coffee runs!! Yeah..so all in all diet has been complete and total crap.
I came to the realization that I was burnt out on baked chicken, tuna, veggies, and all the good stuff. I was freaking burnt out! I brought my lunch and made my food for the whole week and it’s still sitting in the fridge! (well, I have done well today-chicken and rice, chicken and broccoli-etc.) All last week I was overdosing on yogurt (f.f.), raisin bran, etc. The diet world has been  something nasty!!!
Well, Saturday-I met w/ my therapist again. It was an easy going session. No tears this week, more giggles and aha moments. Okay-Let me recap on my Tuesday morning before I go any further. Monday night around midnight I received a few restricted calls on my phone-obviously I didn’t pick up. Tuesday, before I could really get in the office good and get focused, my phone is ringing again-restricted calls. Yet again, I do NOT pick the calls up. A few minutes later, my line at my desk rings..so, hh is thinking-WTF! I pick up, it’s a lady calling for me and leaves her name and number. Nothing rang a bell. The area code was NOT local. Well, I asked one of my boys what area code it was-Birmingham, AL. Bingo! It dawned on me. So, then-I check my email. I get an email from this infamous lady that has blew up my phone. Yeah, hold onto your seats-the plot gets thicker.
The infamous women calling and emailing me was the wife of someone I use to date-well, had a fling w/ about 4 years back. Yeah. I did NOT know she existed-nor did I know about the 3 kids he had.
Her email was nice and respectful. I about flipped the hell out! I ordered breakfast and that was the day I got blacklisted from the candy drawer. I was spazing out! All I kept thinking is was this ******* married when we were seeing other? How could he lie about 3 kids! I was just in a tailspin of emotions! I was angry because of the principal-not because I was in love or wanted him anymore.
So, I got up the nerve and I called the married Mrs. back. I talked to her about 30 minutes and I spilled my guts. I shared everything w/ her. She broke down crying on the phone. She found out about me due to sheer carelessness. She got home from school and he never closed his email out and she saw an email between us and then found all these pictures of me. (she even complimented me and said that I looked great and it was quite clear that I worked out-a lot.) Him and I remained friends since we met. We would just email one another occasionally.
I never knew that he was married. It was quite the bullet to swallow. I was pissed off. I was hurt because I had to be the one to tell her everything. I mean, come on there is no nice way to say-I’m sorry I screwed your husband. Yeah, right. It would’ve been one thing if I had known about her and I was just being a jezebel-but it’s a different ballgame when you don’t have a clue as to what reality really is! Needless to say, by the time Tuesday ended I was so mentally drained, I didn’t even train! I was tired, drained, and just mentally taken for a loop!
So now we can fast forward to Saturday morning. I told my dr. the whole story and I told her how I literally spazed out and just flew off the rocker and I also told her bad my eating had been that day.
When I flip out I throw my hands up by my head and I say, OMG! Are you kidding me? That’s symbolic for: HEATHER IS ‘BOUT TO FLIP THE HELL OUT IN 2.5 SECONDS. From that point, my anxiety kicks in and so does the crazy eating or shopping.
So, she showed me some techniques of how to deal w/ my anxiety while at work to relax myself, mentally and physically. She told me feeding my anxiety w/ food or shopping, is like feeding a monster and it will NEVER be satisfied, it will always want more!
So lets fast forward to this morning-shall we? A co-worker of mine made a lil comment in regards to my personal life. It’s another long, lovely complicated situation. Long story short-he met the wife of a dude I use to see and who I am still very good friends w/. Anyhow, the comment just pissed me off and completely got under my skin. Yep, the hands went up, only to be followed w/ OMG, are you freaking kidding me.
So, I tried the technique and to my surprise it kinda worked. No candy, no binge-I was okay. I just opted for a skinny latte after I could feel myself calming down.
I am realizing that I need to learn how to deal w/ my emotions and anxiety, not just spaz out and eat. That just creates a bigger problem! I need to allow myself to be mad, happy, sad, depressed, whatever. Feel the emotions and keep on truckin. That’s what I’m learning.
Basically, she instructed me to sit and contract my muscles as tight as I could and take very deep, deep breaths and as I relax my muscles-exhale. To my surprise it worked today. So, I’m happy about that. I’m still on track w/ my diet today-for the most part.
She instructed me to look at my eating the same way I look at my workout. Go heavy or go home. She told me I need to attack my eating and my eating patterns as I attack my workouts. So, that’s my goal this week. I’m back to logging everything and I’m going to start w/ my supplements again tomorrow. I have been taking my n.o. and protein though.
So this week I’m focusing on my eating, drinking more water, and using my relaxation techniques instead of food to relax me. I have to attack my eating as I attack the gym. It can be done. I just have to take it one day a time. I have to stop beating myself up. I also have to buckle down on my cardio and ab training-both of them have been pretty half ass and non-existant. Nothing I want will ever come to be if I don’t cover all ends. I can do it-I know I can, I just have to make up my mind. I don’t want to look like everyone-I want to stand above them. You know. Be better then the rest. Then I keep thinking, I’m going on vacation next year as well. I want to look and feel better at 29 then at 28. As I age, I’m trying to get better, wiser, stronger, etc. I’m trying to move forward NOT backwards. So-that’s my soapbox speal for the day!
*Yours in health & fitness-HH*

*Sometimes you have to go through the pain in order to experience the joy* Diddy
You know, for the past few weeks I have been in this extremely deep sense of thought. I have been re-evaluating a lot of things-some things personal and some things not so personal. I have thought about the good jobs-the bad ones, the good relationships and the toxic ones. I have been pondering a lot about my time in the gym and all that I put into it.
Sometimes you have to go through the pain to experience the joy…hmmm..we all have been through bad break-ups, dysfunctional relationships, screwed up friendships, unfair situations. A lot of us deal w/ issues w/ food, anxiety, depression..etc. This one sentence hit home-I kept saying it and I realized that I had to gain 30lbs some time ago in order to take the gym seriously. I had to gain the weight in order to realize that I’m not ‘naturally’ thin-it’s work in progress. That was when I realized that I will have to make this a lifestyle fix, not a quick fix. Quick fixes do not work. Some days my eating is good and some days my eating is crappy-but at the end of it all-I know what I need to do in order to maintain and to lose body fat.
I remember the pain and aggravation of putting on clothes and they didn’t fit. I remember be pissed because I had to go up a size or two when I went shopping-that was the pain that I had to experience, but the joy now. The joy: of going to buy a pair of jeans and having to go down from a size 7 to a 5 or from a 9 to a 7. Wow! The joy in going from shoulder pressing 10lb dumb bells to 25lb dumb bells, or how about squatting 20lbs to squatting over 100. Dead lifting 20lbs to dead lifting 100 lbs! Amazing! I can look back now and say, that pain and aggravation were worth it! It was a cross road that brought me where I am today. I feel in my heart that I am the princess of the gym! I do-I lift w/ my hot pink nails and black gloves and I focus and key in on myself. My workouts are NOT about anyone or anything else except for me. However I might take things that are upsetting me or stressing me out and channel that energy into my workouts. I try to take the negative and use it as a positive.
I can honestly say yesterday was the first time in a very long time that I got really upset and didn’t eat! That was quite refreshing when I realized it! I mean, I was truly hot under to collar and wanted to just spat off, but I kept my cool and got up and left for about 30 minutes and just grabbed a cup of coffee and I was okay. When I left the office-I went to the gym and had a wonderful workout. All the things that were bothering me and aggravating me became fuel for my personal fire! I was able to do 45lbs on the t-bar row for the first time! I was so proud! The funny thing is that one of my friends, Leo @ the gym was picking on me all day yesterday. So, I decided to pick on him. He was ‘warming up’ w/ the 45lbs and I told him to lift like a man, NOT a sissy! So, he in turn told me, well-since your so damn strong-tough girl, do it. Ha-I pounded out 10 reps w/ perfect form!!! I dropped the weight and looked at him and told him-Now, YOU need to man up and your weight up -SMALL FRY! Lol! I love the boys at the gym! They make me laugh!
I realize now that regardless to if a relationship is right or wrong, you can NOT control your feeling or emotions-especially if you have love for another person. Relationships can make you or break you. I had a relationship that lasted for quite a long time. I talk about it often during my therapy sessions-while going through this particular relationship I never quite understood the significance of it! I was never willing to admit how I felt and I felt guilty for the emotions that I harbored for this person. However, in therapy I’m able to admit it all and be okay w/ it! I realize that for a long time, I took that person for granted-I thought they would always be there and in a way-I took advantage of it. I also can look back now and admit that, that  particular person and relationship was like a security blanket to me. When I was down-he was always there for me and willing to be and give me what I needed, but when everything was fine and the wheels were turning in a positive directions-I kept my distance and did my own thing and never stopped and worried-about how he was doing! Even though in my heart, I knew the way I felt about this person. I just didn’t want to admit it! Denial is a mother! So, considering that I’m now talking to a therapist, I’m kind of reliving it all. I feel like a volcano at times, my emotions are literally bubbling over. Now that I have a chance to be open and honest w/ this person-I am. I have been sharing all that I have felt and do. I know that he has feelings as well as I do. We just deal w/ them in different ways.
 By going through the pain of yesterday-the last relationship, this whole therapy thing, dealing w/ these new panic attacks and anxiety that I have-I have a sense of joy and peace today. All of the situations that we go through shape us and our character! I know the content of my heart and my soul! I know what makes me tick and how to make others tick-I know the warning signs to a toxic relationship! I am constantly learning how to shape my body as well as my mind. I am in the process of learning how to deal with my anxiety and the pervious binges.
You’ve got to go through the pain sometimes in order to experience the joy. There is a certain pain that comes w/ being over weight, loving someone you can not have, having issues and not realizing them, learning how to break bad habits, feeling like your in a never ending battle, almost losing your best friend in the world, feeling like you are totally alone and no one understands or feels your pain, or how about being depressed and having NO clue as to why you are depressed-that is pain, After you manage to get through that-joy will surely follow. Things aren’t perfect today, but guess what I am okay. I do have joy and I can sit and smile.  Everyday is a learning process. I wake up now and I think, well-what the hell am I going to learn today? What will I discover about myself and my emotions?
So when things seem to be really bad, falling apart or when the walls seem to be closing in-remember,
You have to go through the pain sometimes in order to experience the joy

*Summer comes to an end*
 

Well, summer has come and gone all in the twinkle of an eye. It’s the official end of the summer, even though I’m sure more warm days lie ahead, it’s really over and it’s only a matter of time before it gets chilly, windy, and for us people in the Midwest-snowy! YUCK! LOL! So here is HH’s summer review!
 

My summer was boring! Boring as hell to be perfectly and blatantly honest! I have no one to blame but myself for that though. Therapy has got me to actually sit back and think-I mean, thoroughly think about myself and my life and ultimately the choices that I have made the past few years. It’s truly enlightening to realize the things that I have. All I know is that I am blessed and happy to have people around me that truly love, appreciate, and support me! If it had not been for the people that were close to me, supporting me w/ this whole therapy thing-I WOULD NOT HAVE WENT! I think it’s the best thing that I have ever done for myself other then going to the gym!
 

Right now one of my favorite songs is Damaged, by Danity Kane! I love the beat and everything, makes me wanna dance or workout! Lol! I realize NOW after so long how damaged I was on the inside! Not only was my heart damaged my self image! Being a former chunky monkey-I don’t think my mind changed when my body did. Its kinda like boys, boys grow up yet the maturity level doesn’t. (Don’t act like it doesn’t guys! Lol) I know now that it’s okay to except compliments and be happy and feel proud. I bust my butt, literally in the gym 5-6 days a week and I try to eat clean! I work hard to look the way that I do! It’s not only about the gym, but taking care of me and keeping myself looking nice! I have to tell myself everyday, I am NOT fat! I am not on a diet! I am working towards a greater goal-building my temple to be the very best that it can be! I want my temple to shine and glow from the inside out! That means, letting go of all my hang-ups and hurts-and the past. I’d like to think that I have a new hand on life! I know that it’s what you make it!
 

Stop sitting on the sidelines, watching everyone run the race and saying, I’m bored-why is my life so damn boring. That was me for a loooooooong time. I merely went through the motions of just being and breathing! Guess what, just breathing is NOT living-it’s just being and I do NOT want to just be. I have just been for such a long time. I work hard, train hard; I love hard and yet have had NOTHING to show for it-for the most part. I realized that when I was going into this deep depression-I pushed all the people that I loved the most away! I pushed my mom and my very best friend away! I love my best friend so very much! I’d give this girl a lung, kidney, blood-anything! I love her girls as if they were mine (and I don’t care for other people’s kids! Lol)! I pushed my mom away, I didn’t want to talk, I just wanted to sink and be alone! Thank God for loyality-they were there for me and loved me unconditionally!
 

As summer comes to an end and the fall begins-I’ve decided to go into the fall and new year w/ a bang! My girlfriend and I have decided to have a bi-monthly girl’s night out-no kids, no boys, just us-glammed up strutting our stuff in a more grown and sexy way! It’s not like it use to be in my early 20’s! I’m not about staying out till the break of dawn or getting pissy drunk! I want to go out have great drinks (NOT TO MANY..LOL), great conversations, and see if I still got it! Lol! I’ve decided to date as well. I do NOT want to be tied down to one person at this present time, because I need to get myself healthy-as a whole before I can truly be w/ someone else. I want to live my life and enjoy it! What’s the use of making good money, looking good, and never really enjoying it w/ someone? I’m not looking for Mr. right-just Mr. Right now-someone who I can be friends w/ and go out w/ and just have a blast with! That’s all.
 

So as the summer comes to an end, I’m going into diet overhaul! I’m ready to clean it up, a little more day by day! My muscles are looking awesome! I am so proud of it! One of the things I said to myself when I started training was that I wanted people to be able to look at me and say, damn, that girl must workout! It’s a reality now! Everywhere I go, everyone is always saying, you must work out pretty damn hard! My response: YOU DAMN RIGHT! LOL!  Even my mailman was asking me about my regime! He told me I had arms like Angela Bassett and legs like Tiny Turner! Hahaha! All I could say was, thank you so much! I’m no longer self conscience ‘bout my booty, because I have been getting mega compliments on it! Everyone at work tells me  you have such a great butt! Even our hr girl told me, Heather your booty is so great! What do you do! Lol! I was at the gym doing hamstring curls and this girl was behind me w/ her husband working out, and my friend says to me, did you hear her. I said, no why-he says, she just told her husband, babe I want an ass and legs like that! Look at her! OMG I’m thinking! All I could do was laugh!
 

It’s a great feeling to walk in the gym and to be watched by men and women! When I lift, I lift from my heart-as funny as that sounds-I do! I dance w/ the iron! I love it and thank God that my dad instilled weight training in me at a very young age! I was about 4 years old and he bought me a pair of 3lbs iron dumb-bells so I could lift w/ him. He would video tape me and tell me to do shoulder presses curls and squats! Imagine that! I think that’s why he is proud of how I live in the gym.
 

I’ll be 29 in January and I would like some sort of VISIBLE ab definition! That’s my goal and I’m going to work on it day by day! No scale though! Just clothes and tape measure! That’s all. It’s time for me to turn the focus completely on me and not everyone else. I guess I am a people pleaser-it’s time to please myself and make myself happy! I will be going on vacation probably in march! I think were going to Vegas and when I go-I want to be in tip top shape! So, I might as well start now and keep my eyes focused on the goal. Competeing is NOT out of the picture either, just not at the current moment. I need to get my mind right before I can whole heartedly embark on that.
 

So, on that note-enjoy the last official summer holiday and get that mind refocused for the fall! It’s time to build that booty, back, or whatever part you really want to make better! Remember, you wanna look just as good coming as you look going! For all my flat butter bodyspacers-DO NOT GIVE UP ON A BOOTY! IT IS POSSIBLE! I HAD THE FLATEST BOOTY IN THE WORLD! I GOT TEASED ABOUT IT! My rump is now moving up North!!!! It’s taken a lot of time, but damn it is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO WORTH IT!
 

In health & Iron!
*HH*

~Cease the day~ 

You know, the past few months for me have been very long, sad, lonely, stressful, and a whole lot of other things. However, I do thank God for good friends and family-mother in particular. 

I was always looked at and known for being the life of the party. The bubbly one, the one that kept it all together, the peace maker, I took pride in always trying to be politically correct. 

I must say for the past few months I held it together rather well, until the dust finally settled-I about lost it. I literally lost it and I pushed a lot of people away. People who truly loved me and valued me for me! 

This past relationship was more draining then I realized. At first it was nice, seemed to kind of work, but as time went on, the relationship took its course on me. I am by no means saying he’s a bad person, just not the person for me. I was so worried about him and how he was and everything that had to do w/ him-I forgot about myself. I was ready to sacrifice everything about myself to make him happy, to change, to move, to give up my job, my family and friends. When all of that became more of a reality, I lost it. Now, it took a little therapy to realize why I snapped and fell into a deep depression, however I am okay now! 

The truth is this-Therapy has been a blessing in disguise! I feel freaking awesome when I leave there! I get to go talk and say whatever it is on my mind-and I AM NOT JUDGED! I say what and who makes me happy, my therapist LISTENS and tells me, it’s okay, feel the emotions! I feel ‘em and I’m okay! I’m not waking up in the middle of the night daily, eating, worrying, stressing, feeling hopeless. Just in these few weeks since the separation-I feel free as a bird. I feel like I can sore. I feel happy! I am single and happy! 

I have an adorable 23 year old admirer. Lol. Yeah, 23-he’s definitely eye candy, he makes me laugh and smile and just to be in his presence makes me feel young again, however-he’s just a friend. 

I have friends that love me and value me-flaws and all. Since I had to cancel my trip for Labor day weekend, I decided to use the voucher for another trip w/ either my girlfriend or someone who might be lucky. Either way it goes, HH is going to live it up and enjoy herself. I work hard, I train hard, now-I need to play hard. 

It’s all on a different level now, as you age-you do mature. I’m not about running to bars and clubs every single weekend, none the less, I do want to go to more ‘grown-up’ spots and have drinks and dance a lil and see if I still got it! I want to enjoy my friendship w/ my girlfriend! I go to the gym faithfully and I look pretty damn good, I don’t just want to rock my tennis shoes and workout clothes, I want to put a twist on my muscles w/ heels, my girly clothes, makeup, jewelry, nails, etc-there is a time to wear the lifting gloves and there is a time to lay them down-so right now, I am learning about laying them down from time to time. What’s the use of looking so great, if you never show it off! 

For the past year or so, I have sat on the sideline-watching everyone run right past me. Guess what-I’m still sitting on that sideline-watching the crowd go by and life go by as well. Well, that is behind me-The first official girl’s night out is Sept 6^th. Yep-at a pretty nifty place in the Chi. It’s for someone’s b-day. I n my eyes, that’s the kick off party! From this point on out-I’m going to go out and enjoy my damn youth while I have it! I will indulge in drinks from time to time, not to get pissy drunk through, (I’m still a gym rat and we all know that is bad for the belly and waistline!) I want to go on vacation, I’m going to date and it’s going to be on MY TERMS! Example: Get in where you fit in- Mon-Thursday 5.30-7p I am at the gym, get in b4 or after or I’ll see ya when I see ya! Lol. I mean, the game has changed for me. 

Honestly, it’s so great to have this young eye candy running in behind me, flirting and smiling, and totally stroking my ego. I mean, in my mind-I’m thinking, dude I’m like 30 almost and your not even 25. LMAO! Ohhhhhh, it’s great! It’s 50/50 though. It’s fun, we flirt and laugh-but there is no potential for anything there. I’m just enjoying the flirting and laughing and all that stuff. Hell, it’s nice to have someone walk me to my car and stare at me and smile and say flattering things to me! It’s nice for someone to come by my desk and kinda lean back and smile and see how the heck HEATHER IS! It’s great to come to work in my workout clothes and have someone appreciate the cuts I have and the small tush that I work sooo hard on! I feel good about me. 

So the point is mental & emotional health are just as important as physical health! Dental health is very important (if you stay out of the dentist office for 10 years, you will have problems. Lol. I know this first hand!) It’s important to have a balance and a happy medium with family, friends, relationships, diet and training! There is a little time for everything, its just up to you to make that time and enjoy it! Do sit on the sidelines and wait for the perfect moment to do something-just do it! enjoy it! if you have someone who likes to flirt and talk to you, just talk and flirt back. What is it going to hurt?! Enjoy your life-because you only have one and once it’s gone-it is gone! You only have your youth once! I don’t want to look back in 10 years and say, wow-I bet I could’ve done this or that, I want to lean back and say, wow! I remember when I was like 30 years old! I was a looker! Lol! Got the point? 

*Always dancing w/ IRON* 

 *sometime we spaz out*      
So let’s rewind to yesterday! Okay-I trained legs last night! I did a heavy leg day. I was very pleased. I reached my goal of deadlifting 100lbsx 10 reps! I was also able to legg press 260lbs x 8 reps, smith machine squats of 125lbs! I was very, very, proud of myself. I was kicking ass! I did ext, curls, lunges, plie squats, and step ups, then I did hiit (sprints) for 20 minutes! Whew! I was on fire! I even ate well yesterday! I was dressed cute for work-I just felt freaking good about me! I went home and hung out w/ my mom and started going through clothes and the fact that everything fits great, just made me feel so good inside! I do have a goal pair of pants though! They are a size 5/6, BCBG lime green, fitted pants. They have moved up so, I have slimmed down! That’s good! I had a brand new pair of white capri’s-8’s-waaay to big! That was a good thing! Lol.
Okay so lets fast forward to today! I have a serious fear of the dentist, however-last Saturday I had to go due to a toothache! Well, the grand total of cavities…13, plus wisdom teeth need to be pulled and now they say a root canal! OMG! Literally, I wanted to run out of that office or punch the dentist out! Thinking of going tomorrow makes me want to cry to have the work done. I’m only getting a few cavities filled and the wisdom tooth pulled. But it was really bad, infected and on a nerve! That is a pain that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy! That’s the ONLY reason I went! So, now-I have to go tomorrow for that..plus I have a complete physical in the morning, and my therapist Saturday at 10am. I’m freaking spazing out! Like all day I was fine and then I wanted some taquitos..i had 4 and I was fine!!
After I spoke to the dentist-I grabbed 3 pieces of candy and ate ‘em. Still spazing, still like OMG..i want to cry about this dentist crap! I went to Dunkin donuts and got coffee. I bought an apple fritter as well, but I didn’t finish it all. I like snapped back.
So, this situation is a catch 22. Yes, I ate some bad stuff, but I didn’t go crazy and I did stop myself. But the good thing is I realize that I spazed out about the dentist that caused me to go for it. Now, I need to come up w/ a way to avoid the food part of my spazing! Coffee usually kills it for me..but I’m like really anxious. That’s why I’m writing! just because my nerves are literally jumping all over.
So, tonight-I’m going to see a friend and have a drink or 2, because I’m sure I will be on my butt all weekend in pain. So, since today is my free day, I think I will just enjoy a glass of wine!
*love ya’ll and keep me in your prayers tomorrow! I will surely need ‘em*

*And this to shall pass*
The truth is that the past few months for me have been especially trying. I have had many ups and downs. I have had victories and major loses.
The past few weeks have been very eye-opening to me. I have learned a lot about myself-good things and bad things. Alright, first things first-I never in 100 years saw myself sitting in a therapist’s office, but guess-what I was. It was the most enlightening thing to me! I felt calm and I was just able to vent. Wow! I came to a few realizations during this 1^st 1 hour session (I’ll touch on them later).
You know, it’s so funny I can encourage, push, motivate, and constructively criticize a lot of people-but when it comes to me-it’s a different story. It’s amazing that I see myself and I see nothing special. I don’t see or view myself as beautiful-I’m just me. Yet others constantly compliment me. I realized that I do NOT know how to take a compliment. My therapist showed me and I stopped and said, wow! You’re right. Heather truly does NOT know how to except a compliment. It’s easier to believe the b.s. that people feed me then the positive things. Imagine that!
There are a few things that I want to share about my first therapy session that I found pretty enlightening! The first is that I do NOT know how to except a compliment, the 2^nd is that the gym is my safe haven, my source of strength, my calm in the storm, next-I realized that I allow everyone (usually guys or relationships) steer me away from my goals.
My ultimate goal is to walk across a stage-because to many people have told me I would kick ass for it not to be true, yet in the mix of this thing I call life and love, I get mad and stressed and I lose myself trying to make someone else happy. I lose myself trying to make everyone else happy, trying not to hurt them, trying to be everything to everyone. That is why I kept crying and saying I’m tired, I’m tired. Everyone said tired of what heather! Now, I know-tired of sacrificing myself for everyone and everything except for the important person-ME! See, she (the therapist) asked me-Heather who made you stay in San Diego; no one made you-why did you stay there? I said, I couldn’t leave him, I didn’t want to hurt him, and he needed me! Hmm…he hurt me, but no one cared about my hurt. It’s always been about everyone else but me. I never realized that. I realized that the reason I had been feeling so depressed lately-flashbacks. I was having flashbacks to 01-04 when I lived in San Diego.
The current person I was w/ was saying and doing things that reminded me of my ex and it was as if I was reliving it all over again. The only difference this time is instead of being quiet, I got mad-really, really, abnormally mad and cruel-because I refused to go through what I went through again. It literally tore me up inside, because I didn’t know this while going through it. I am still dealing w/ the flashbacks! I told the doctor, I forgave Jay-I am so not mad at him anymore. She said, no it’s on the contray, you’re mad, angry, hurt, and traumatized. Yesterday, while discussing this w/ a friend, I just said it, I f****** HATE HIM! I ABSOLUTELY HATE HIM! Wooooow! Those are harsh words, but some how it made me feel relieved!
I also realized that I was changing for him-not for myself and all these crazy, crazy, things caused me to BINGE, BINGE, AND BINGE! I mean, this past relationship literally got the best of me. It was the same script, different character! It was total and complete deja-vu. I felt like I was 23 all over again, the bickering, fighting, crying, depression-everything repeated only I was older and going through it w/ a different person. After all those years of working to find me-I was losing me all over again. The smile I fought so hard to keep and hold onto-gone! The dreams and desires-swept under the rug! I have busted my ass to get back in a more then comfortable job situation and to think I was going to pack it all up, quit, leave my family and friends for another man who wouldn’t even listen when I said-I’m depressed! You would’ve thought I had learned after all these years. Wooooow! History does repeat itself if you are not careful. I was losing me-I withdrew from everything and everyone other then the gym. I was hurting on the inside-trying to cover it up on the outside!
 It has been a constant binge fest-however, I never stopped lifting and I never stopped doing my cardio-so I have pretty much maintained my 28.5in waist. I won’t get on the scale, not now. Now, the only positive thing I am noticing through this binge fest-my muscles have grown big time! Lol! I guess it’s true, feed the muscle and it will grow! My arms, back, shoulders, have totally grown. Now, it’s time for me to get refocused again, not just on diet, but on everything!
I realize now that this whole “bodyspace” thing isn’t just about who has the tightest ass or best abs-it’s about wellness as a whole! What the hell is the point of being so fit, if mentally you are on the verge of a nervous breakdown! You are NOT well! I was so, so, caught up in abs, tight ass, cut back, but mentally-I was gone and I mean-long gone! But by God’s good graces, family and friends-I was able to snap back. I’m not 100% right now, but I’m dealing w/ all these mental issues that I have. It won’t happen over night, it’s a process-just like diet and exercise. Mental wellness is something that I will have to work on as long as I live. The best thing I can say is that the other day I wanted brownies-I bought a pack of 15, I had 2 small ones and GAVE THE REST AWAY! I felt like the angels were singing in praise, because I didn’t go nuts, I didn’t binge, I didn’t sit there and sing the whole, “whoa is me” song! I ate 2-enjoyed ‘em and got rid of the rest.
I have to learn how to deal w/ my stress and anxiety through other means then sweets and binges. That is NOT going to get it! I spoke w/ a near and dear friend of mine yesterday and he gave me a reality check-he told me stop, look, listen, and analyze. Lol. So, I kept talking as usual-he said, SHHH! LISTEN! (lol) I did. I never realized that I never, ever, allow myself to heal from one relationship before I just in to another one, usually head first! I just in and keep on going. H.H. isn’t never alone for to long, I bounce back quickly-but I fail to learn from each situation! I don’t like pain and hurt and i know that if that means dating someone not to be alone-I’ll do it or if it means just tolerating someone because I’m lonely and want to pass time, I will. That has got to stop here.
The truth is I am tired. I really think I am tired of 1 bad relationship only to be followed by one that is worse. Right now, I need to focus on me, my hopes, my dreams, and just make me a better person and truly, truly whole heartedly learn what I will and will not tolerate. I need to learn what motivates me and pushes me. I need to just worry about being the best Heather that I can be. No one can validate me, I have to do that alone! I have to be happy and complete alone. Another person can always add to the greatness you have, but they can NOT complete you. I realize that. I know now that if I change it has to be for me, not for anyone else.
So, right now-I’m focusing on my mental, maintaining my physical. It’s coming along, lifting heavy and weeding junk out of my diet-1 step at a time. So far so good! I have even been sleeping all night and waking up for am cardio-tae-bo is my new thing! Lol J It makes me feel strong, so I do it! I enjoy it! So, all in all-I’m better, muuuuuuch better!