~Heather’s World~

Enough!
Enough of the sh*t! That’s exactly what my therapist told me! I went to see her on Saturday morning and I was already in tears and in a frenzy before I could sit on the couch. I have to say, she was totally and full engaged in our conversation.
I sat on the couch and she said, Heather how has your week been? I looked at her and said, OMG! I’m coming undone and I am officially holding it all together w/ a thin thread. She was like, Okay-what happened.
I went through this past week’s events and told her everything! I told her about my 2 day candy eating hiatus, the issues at work, the bickering and fussing with my dad, my eating patterns, sleep patterns, how crappy my workouts had been, my issues w/ the kid at work-I just let the dam literally break!
I went on to tell her about my lack of money managing skills and how I start to have anxiety thinking about paying rent and bills, and what if I can’t do it.
I told her about this girl at the gym, we’ll just call her ‘abs’, because I have no clue what her name is, but I see her all the time and yes, she has a great midsection-but that’s it. The rest of her body is okay! She can’t hold a candle to me! Anyhow, the girl was on the elliptical and turned around and gave me this look, like, ha-ha…and turned around! As God is my witness, I was ready to jump over that machine and ring her neck! I was so pissed and the killer part is that she is UGLY! She has no cuts, no definition, but the girl has a banging midsection! I have to give credit where it’s due!
As I’m going on and on, the Dr. listened and she was like, you went on a 2 day candy eating hiatus? I was like yeah, I did. I ate nothing but candy for 2 days! She told me that I was reverting back to being a little girl! I was like..WTF? She went on to say, when you were little mommy and daddy gave you CANDY when you were mad or having a tantrum. When you were mad at mommy and daddy, you went to Nana’s house and Nana gave you…? “Candy or chocolate”-I responded.
 She was like, ENOUGH Heather! You are a grown women! You are not that little girl anymore. You are an adult! Why can’t you have a midsection like that girl at the gym? I put my head down and said, because I eat to much damn candy! She said why- I said, because it makes me feel better! She was like, really-it makes you feel better, if that was the case then you wouldn’t be having an anxiety attack about it!
She asked me if I logged my meals down-I told her not anymore. She asked why not, I told her, because I’m lazy and I don’t feel like writing it and if I don’t write it, it’s as if it didn’t happen! She said, that is a lie! You know you ate it, you are in denial! Hmmm..she was right! She asked me if I logged my expenses down, I told her no. she said why, I responded it takes to much time! She was like, Heather let me tell you what a responsible adult is going to do-TAKE MATTERS INTO THEIR HANDS AND SAY TO HELL W/ THE REST OF IT!
I told her about my dad and how it’s just coming to a head! I told her about work and how I feel like I’ m going to just lose my mind and she told me, ENOUGH HEATHER! ENOUGH! STOP PUTTING YOUR WELL BEING, PEACE, AND CALMNESS ON THE BACK BUIRNER FOR EVERYONE ELSE!  YOU CAN NOT LIVE YOUR LIFE WORRYING OR BEING ANXIOUS BECAUSE OF EVERYONE ELSE!
I told her that the past few weeks my workouts have been terrible, because my mind is just racing back and forth and I just can’t go in there and kick ass anymore! She said, So-you mean to tell me, the one place you do have peace and serenity at, you are allowing everything and everyone to steal that away from you. I sat there and thought about it and said, I guess I am! Yet again she said, Enough Heather!
I told her about the ‘Kid’ at work and how he just threw me under the bus when I was flipping out! I told her, I couldn’t believe him! He was inconsiderate and totally unconcerned about MY wellbeing! He didn’t say, do you want to go talk, is there anything I can do! He said, Relax, you’ll be okay! I was pissed-that brought on more anxiety!
She said, ohhh-so because Heather didn’t get babied, Heather abused herself w/ candy! Correct, I said, I guess. She said, No-there is no, I guess, it’s either yes or no. So I said, yeah-I was just mad and I didn’t know what to do. She said, you build a wall to protect yourself, you get up and walk away, you say enough! That is what you do! You need to take YOUR life and tell everyone that is trying to step on your toes, enough! When people serve you shit, then Heather-you serve sh*t right back to them! My jaw dropped and my eyes got big! I just thought, oh my! She swore! Lol!
 She went on to tell me that I am in control of myself and myself alone! She said, Heather, you can NOT expect anyone else to talk to you to calm you down, talk you out of a binge or give you peace and sanity! You need to learn how to become self effiecent! You have to love you enough to say, ENOUGH OF THE B.S! Love yourself enough to be responsible for your actions! You can’t blame the candy binge on anxiety! Candy is your drug! What do alcoholics do-they quit cold turkey and go to AA! It needs to stop now, but only you have the power to stop it! She went on to tell me that I am so much stronger and smarter then I give myself credit for!
We talked a lot about the relationship w/ my dad and that has a lot to do w/ my anxiety as well. I realize now that I have so much anger towards him. I love him, but I don’t really like him. I keep hoping and praying for this great picture perfect relationship and it’s NOT going to happen! She told me, I need to come to grips w/ that and let it go. It’s hard to do, but I’m working on it. He and I have no relationship. I can’t even be in the same room w/ him. I never thought I’d get to the point that I would say that! I see him as a man now, not just dad! I see his selfishness, the fact that is so hypercritical, the fact that he is NOT fair, etc. The list could go on and on. yes, it hurts, because as a kid-I had picture perfect memories of my dad, but as an adult-it’s been nothing but arguing, fussing, and cussing.-just bickering.
I realize that these are growing pains and they freaking hurt like hell, but I am at a cornerstone in my life and I need to learn that at the end of it all-it’s me for me! I can only do the best that I can! I can’t be a captain save a hoe to my coworkers at work who have half a brain! I can’t do everything perfect-every time! I can’t allow life to kill me, I need to kill it! Right now, I’m in the process of saving to finally move out, alone! I don’t want a room mate and I definitely do NOT want to live w/ another man, I want to be alone, in my own space! So, I bought a small notebook to log my spending-like the dr ordered! I started logging my meals, workouts-moods, etc as well!
However, she was right about everything! So this weekend I said-DAMNIT! ENOUGH! ENOUGH! AND ENOUGH! I have had it! When you have truly had enough-you will do what you have to do and I am at that point! Saturday after I left the doctor I was just in a daze. I went to the gym Saturday night and had a great workout, I relaxed-ALONE AND IN PEACE. I worked out for about an hour and half and then I went in the steam room, Jacuzzi, and then swam for a little while and right back to the Jacuzzi. I felt so relaxed.
I sat in the steam room and I began to cry-I was alone, so I was okay with it. I cried and I just said to myself-this is it! I’m finished w/ the garbage! I’m tired of flipping out! I’m tired of letting everyone and everything control me and get me! I’m tired of it and it ends today! I meant that! It won’t happen over night, it’s a process.
You see, this challenge is about building a strong, healthy, holistic balance to LIFE! Life is NOT just about the gym! Were all at home or work more then at the gym-what is life like outside of the gym! Mines is a mess and it was so out of hand that it carried over into the gym and that meant sh*t had to change and it had to change quick! My binges had gotten so bad that co-workers started to notice and call me out on my binges! Shit needed to change and it needed to change quickly!
I have had enough and today, I’m telling everyone-kick rocks! Today, I am brushing my shoulders off! I already went off this morning and frankly I feel good! I went off and I got up and went for a small walk outside and I feel good! I just said what I had to, got my coffee walked around the block and I just kept telling myself-ENOUGH! Enough! I have had enough!
I’m happy to say that I was fine! J
We all need to learn when, Enough is Enough! Enough of half assing in our lives, workouts, eating, finances, etc! Enough! It’s great to have family and friends who love and support you, but when the dust settles and you are alone at night-you have got to learn how to shut that garbage off and keep on keeping on! Life is a canvas-WTF are you willing to paint- Half of a picture or a whole picture? Are willing to give YOUR paint and paint brushes to someone else or are you ready to take it and paint! I’m ready to take my damn paint and all my paint brushes back! It’s my canvas and I want to paint my own picture! If you do NOT like it, then be advised to turn your head, because I have had enough of sharing my CANVAS w/ these knuckle-heads!
Now, that is all she wrote and that is my ‘blurb’ for the day-ENOUGH!!

The past few days have been rather crappy to be totally honest. The past few days I have been feuding w/ someone close to me, I have struggled with my eating, anxiety, work outs, and work. Needless to say, I didn’t rack up a whole lot of points.
So, onto my blurb! Well, first of all-anxiety is NO joke. If you don’t have it-you will not understand how it feels. Yesterday was the first time I can remember having a panic attack on the job. I walked into the bathroom-the handicap stall and I was hyperventilating and started to cry! I had just had it with everything. Literally my mind and heart were just racing and I could feel my heart pounding as if it was going to jump clear outta my chest! So, what caused me to go overboard-well, first of all, things had got bad at work. We just had all of these problems yesterday and our whole group got in trouble and then I had personally messed up on a few things! Anxiety! I checked my checking account balance and realized that I had less money then  I thought~it made me think about when I move out. So I thought, omg-if I can’t manage my money now-how am I going to do it when I’m on my own?! Major anxiety! I went to take my anxiety medicine, I was all out and called to check on my refill-dr. wouldn’t refill it-ANXIETY! I started thinking about the argument that my dad ad I had got into and it just worked my nerves-ANIXETY! I left the office and went to Walgreen’s and bought about 30$ worth of candy! I got back to work and started pacifying myself-ANXIETY! I thought about the kid that I like and how he was so inconsiderate of how I was feeling-anxiety! I thought of the other person I’m dating and how the situation is so complicated-anxiety. Yes, I had major anxiety yesterday. I was not happy. I just lost it. I ate candy ALL DAY! yes! Everyone thought I had completely and totally lost my mind! I even took a picture midway though of the candy wrappers! (I should get a point for that!)
The fact of the matter is that I do NOT handle stress well! As a matter of fact, I don’t think I really don’t know how to deal w/ stress other then w/ candy and sweets. I feel like I am literally stuck between a rock and a hard place. I am 28, going on 29 and I am trying to grow up over night and frankly, it’s hard as hell! Life is no cake walk! Life is NOT easy! Growing up scares me! Not depending on my parents-scares me! The idea of  having to pay rent and worry about paying gas and electric and all the bills-it scares me and I panic and flip out! Yet, I’m at the point where home is no longer peaceful. So it’s either grow up get right or deal w/ the day to day stress and anxiety!  
I feel as if growing up is like having a child! Right now, I’m going through the morning sickness, nausea ness, etc! It hurts and I’m tired, like a pregnant women ready to give birth-she just wants the baby-OUT! Symbolically that is how I feel!
I realize that old habits die hard-eg, my binges and emotional eating. I feel as if it has gotten worse w/ my anxiety. I have completely went overboard and I know in my heart-it’s time to let that part of me r.i.p. Literally I need to allow that part of me to pass away. I  can NOT live my live binging everytime I get stressed, that is just not healthy! If I do it now and have no kids, I’ll do it when I have kids and then pass this cycle onto them and I don’t want to do that!
I realize that I need this ‘In & Out’ challenge right now-because at the end of month, hopefully I will have some sort of balance. Right now, life is completely out of wack-from the bottom to the top and I know that I can NOT expect anyone to get it back in order for me, except me! I realize that I need to decide what is important and what is NOT important.
 Perfect example-my young kid at work! As gorgeous as he is-he is NOT what I need right now. I received 0 consideration or concern from him yesterday. Needless to say, I was completely and totally turned off! I made up my mind that this situation iss a wrap. I don’t have time to waste, I have so many things that I need to worry about and focus on and frankly I can NOT allow him to upset me or piss me off.
So-I haven’t logged my points for the past few days, but I will do that this weekend! However, I’m getting back focused on me and my goals! HH is looking for her mojo! Not just for the gym or eating, but for life, liberty and my own pursuit of happiness!
I have also decided to learn how to snow-board! So, I’m looking forward to working these legs out in the gym and beating this core up! Because we all know, you need strong legs and a strong core to do it and do it well. So, I’m looking forward to this!!