~Heather’s World~

*And this to shall pass*
The truth is that the past few months for me have been especially trying. I have had many ups and downs. I have had victories and major loses.
The past few weeks have been very eye-opening to me. I have learned a lot about myself-good things and bad things. Alright, first things first-I never in 100 years saw myself sitting in a therapist’s office, but guess-what I was. It was the most enlightening thing to me! I felt calm and I was just able to vent. Wow! I came to a few realizations during this 1^st 1 hour session (I’ll touch on them later).
You know, it’s so funny I can encourage, push, motivate, and constructively criticize a lot of people-but when it comes to me-it’s a different story. It’s amazing that I see myself and I see nothing special. I don’t see or view myself as beautiful-I’m just me. Yet others constantly compliment me. I realized that I do NOT know how to take a compliment. My therapist showed me and I stopped and said, wow! You’re right. Heather truly does NOT know how to except a compliment. It’s easier to believe the b.s. that people feed me then the positive things. Imagine that!
There are a few things that I want to share about my first therapy session that I found pretty enlightening! The first is that I do NOT know how to except a compliment, the 2^nd is that the gym is my safe haven, my source of strength, my calm in the storm, next-I realized that I allow everyone (usually guys or relationships) steer me away from my goals.
My ultimate goal is to walk across a stage-because to many people have told me I would kick ass for it not to be true, yet in the mix of this thing I call life and love, I get mad and stressed and I lose myself trying to make someone else happy. I lose myself trying to make everyone else happy, trying not to hurt them, trying to be everything to everyone. That is why I kept crying and saying I’m tired, I’m tired. Everyone said tired of what heather! Now, I know-tired of sacrificing myself for everyone and everything except for the important person-ME! See, she (the therapist) asked me-Heather who made you stay in San Diego; no one made you-why did you stay there? I said, I couldn’t leave him, I didn’t want to hurt him, and he needed me! Hmm…he hurt me, but no one cared about my hurt. It’s always been about everyone else but me. I never realized that. I realized that the reason I had been feeling so depressed lately-flashbacks. I was having flashbacks to 01-04 when I lived in San Diego.
The current person I was w/ was saying and doing things that reminded me of my ex and it was as if I was reliving it all over again. The only difference this time is instead of being quiet, I got mad-really, really, abnormally mad and cruel-because I refused to go through what I went through again. It literally tore me up inside, because I didn’t know this while going through it. I am still dealing w/ the flashbacks! I told the doctor, I forgave Jay-I am so not mad at him anymore. She said, no it’s on the contray, you’re mad, angry, hurt, and traumatized. Yesterday, while discussing this w/ a friend, I just said it, I f****** HATE HIM! I ABSOLUTELY HATE HIM! Wooooow! Those are harsh words, but some how it made me feel relieved!
I also realized that I was changing for him-not for myself and all these crazy, crazy, things caused me to BINGE, BINGE, AND BINGE! I mean, this past relationship literally got the best of me. It was the same script, different character! It was total and complete deja-vu. I felt like I was 23 all over again, the bickering, fighting, crying, depression-everything repeated only I was older and going through it w/ a different person. After all those years of working to find me-I was losing me all over again. The smile I fought so hard to keep and hold onto-gone! The dreams and desires-swept under the rug! I have busted my ass to get back in a more then comfortable job situation and to think I was going to pack it all up, quit, leave my family and friends for another man who wouldn’t even listen when I said-I’m depressed! You would’ve thought I had learned after all these years. Wooooow! History does repeat itself if you are not careful. I was losing me-I withdrew from everything and everyone other then the gym. I was hurting on the inside-trying to cover it up on the outside!
 It has been a constant binge fest-however, I never stopped lifting and I never stopped doing my cardio-so I have pretty much maintained my 28.5in waist. I won’t get on the scale, not now. Now, the only positive thing I am noticing through this binge fest-my muscles have grown big time! Lol! I guess it’s true, feed the muscle and it will grow! My arms, back, shoulders, have totally grown. Now, it’s time for me to get refocused again, not just on diet, but on everything!
I realize now that this whole “bodyspace” thing isn’t just about who has the tightest ass or best abs-it’s about wellness as a whole! What the hell is the point of being so fit, if mentally you are on the verge of a nervous breakdown! You are NOT well! I was so, so, caught up in abs, tight ass, cut back, but mentally-I was gone and I mean-long gone! But by God’s good graces, family and friends-I was able to snap back. I’m not 100% right now, but I’m dealing w/ all these mental issues that I have. It won’t happen over night, it’s a process-just like diet and exercise. Mental wellness is something that I will have to work on as long as I live. The best thing I can say is that the other day I wanted brownies-I bought a pack of 15, I had 2 small ones and GAVE THE REST AWAY! I felt like the angels were singing in praise, because I didn’t go nuts, I didn’t binge, I didn’t sit there and sing the whole, “whoa is me” song! I ate 2-enjoyed ‘em and got rid of the rest.
I have to learn how to deal w/ my stress and anxiety through other means then sweets and binges. That is NOT going to get it! I spoke w/ a near and dear friend of mine yesterday and he gave me a reality check-he told me stop, look, listen, and analyze. Lol. So, I kept talking as usual-he said, SHHH! LISTEN! (lol) I did. I never realized that I never, ever, allow myself to heal from one relationship before I just in to another one, usually head first! I just in and keep on going. H.H. isn’t never alone for to long, I bounce back quickly-but I fail to learn from each situation! I don’t like pain and hurt and i know that if that means dating someone not to be alone-I’ll do it or if it means just tolerating someone because I’m lonely and want to pass time, I will. That has got to stop here.
The truth is I am tired. I really think I am tired of 1 bad relationship only to be followed by one that is worse. Right now, I need to focus on me, my hopes, my dreams, and just make me a better person and truly, truly whole heartedly learn what I will and will not tolerate. I need to learn what motivates me and pushes me. I need to just worry about being the best Heather that I can be. No one can validate me, I have to do that alone! I have to be happy and complete alone. Another person can always add to the greatness you have, but they can NOT complete you. I realize that. I know now that if I change it has to be for me, not for anyone else.
So, right now-I’m focusing on my mental, maintaining my physical. It’s coming along, lifting heavy and weeding junk out of my diet-1 step at a time. So far so good! I have even been sleeping all night and waking up for am cardio-tae-bo is my new thing! Lol J It makes me feel strong, so I do it! I enjoy it! So, all in all-I’m better, muuuuuuch better!

This entry was posted on Wednesday, August 20th, 2008 at 5:32 am and is filed under Other. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.