~Heather’s World~

*Where is HOT Heather?* 

Well, it’s been awhile since I have written a blog as far as what the real deal is w/ me. 

So-here we go. Well, I’m alive, breathing and still training. Some training days are just kick ass and some days-it’s like I just get my ass kicked. Monday I was fabulously fierce-I actually did a 60lb shoulder press for 8 reps (30lb dd)-I had one of the guys spot me. It was pretty funny, because a group of the guys were just watching, because I was kind of whining about not being able to push the weight-well, my buddy was like, just do it. I said, umm…okay. I did it and by rep six, I just yelled, I can’t do anymore-he said you can, come on and I did. I received an APPLAUSE. Haha! That was priceless. Now, my workout was CRAPPY-I was merely just going through the motion. I managed to kick out an hour workout, but I just kind of floated through it. No heart-at all. 

Well, lately heather has NOT been Heather. For about the past 2 or 3 months, I have not felt normal-but I just brushed it off as pms, moodiness, etc-etc. however, I realize that it’s much deeper then that. 

My binges have gotten so bad-its just down right aggravation and disgusting. I realize now that it’s been the stress and emotional baggage that has been pushing me and keeping me up at night. 

The relationship that I was in is now officially over. Yeah-over, another one bites the dust. I didn’t see this one coming though, not at all. It hurts, I still love him, but I feel like I made the best decision for him and I. I didn’t want to hurt him and I didn’t want to be hurt anymore. I just didn’t see it getting any better or ever changing. I don’t think he was a bad person, I just don’t whole heartedly know if he was the person for me and vice versa. 

We broke up yesterday-I was at work, I had a mini melt down,but held it together till it was time to go to the gym. By the time I laid down to go to bed, I just sat on the bed and I finally just broke down. I couldn’t hold it in anymore. It was as if I were a water balloon bursting-I literally just broke down in tears. I cried and I just started talking to myself. None the less, I felt a bit better. 

I guess my question is why does love have to hurt so damn bad? Gosh, it’s like why even go through it if it’s going to hurt you in the end. I mean, I just wave my little white flag, I’m done for a while. 

I woke up this morning..and I felt sad. All I kept thinking was God-just get me through the day. He has-thank goodness. Despite the situation, I feel okay-calm. No binge eating or anything. I slept like a baby and everything. 

I have a friend at work and he keeps me occupied. He makes me laugh and smile, so that helps a lot. He listens to me vent. So, all and all I feel alright. 

I’ve also decided to see a therapist! yeah! I never saw that coming! I think it’s for the best because for the past few months I have felt like I was going to have a nervous breakdown. I felt like I was just losing my mind, the vicious binge cycle, one thing after the other. So, I go see her on Saturday morning. This should be interesting. 

So, the whole point of my speal is this: what good is being physically perfect or on point, if mentally you are sick as sick can be? What is the point? 

Mentally and emotionally I have just been so out of it. I was mad because I couldn’t keep to my diet, mad because I felt tired, mad because I have to work long hours, mad because I was lonely, mad because I saw myself as fat, mad because I felt like-I can’t win for losing, mad because I was in a long distance relationship, mad because I felt like I received no understanding from him, I was mad, hurt, sad, depressed, bitter-etc. Trust me this list goes on and gets so much deeper. 

I know that I was dealing w/ all this stuff by eating. I would go to sleep mad or sad, wake up in 2 hours eat, then crash. I mean, it was every night. Last night, I slept sound. 

I mean, hell I even saw this girl at the gym and I got so mad at myself, why? Well, okay-this girl’s midsection was completely bangin! I will give her credit for that, but everything else was terrible, she was NOT cute in the face, the rest of her body was nothing special, I could blow her out of the water in every other department-EXCEPT THE MIDSECTION. Yeah, so I’m running, killing myself on the treadmill and I see her prance into the gym. Lol. I can laugh now, but she literally was just ‘hanging’ out there. And she was like, walking so, so, so, so, slow just so everyone could watch her and I was like, damnit-if I just ate right-I’d bust her damn bubble. See, her attitude is really ugly-so that makes her ugly. She walks around w/ her nose stuck in the air. Anyhow, the point is that instead of allowing this to drive me deeper into depression, I am using it to push myself to get help for this binging! I will NOT be satisfied until I see some sort of ab definition and have a 25-27in waist. I do NOT care how long it takes, I do NOT care if I have to pour my guts out to a therapist, I do NOT care if I am a quack! I will NOT give up on what I know I can attain. I look at this as a roadblock, it can be moved. I just have to learn how to remove it. you know. 

It’s so easy to fall off of the planned clean meal wagon, but goodness its hard as hell to get back on and stay on and just say no to everything and everyone. I mean, I work in the land of tub-o-lard. Yeah! It’s NOT easy! However, I just told myself today while smelling all the good crap, that if I continue to eat like them, I will surely look like them and God knows, I do NOT want that! 

Now, on a good note, since I have been eating a lot, I feel like I have put on mega muscle-so, I’m just going to call this my ‘bulking’ phase. I mean all my clothes fit great, no problems, but my muscles look freaking huge-my shoulders, bi’s, and even my back is wide as heck! So, maybe it’s not all that bad. I mean, when I carry my purse (on my forearm) everyone is like damn-look at her arms! It just makes me laugh. 

So, take care of yourself mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically. I think in order to shine on the outside, you have to shine on the inside and heather was in and still lingering in a really gloomy place. However, slowly but surely its all coming back together and I’m still standing. I’m standing in a storm right now, yes it’s raining hard as hell and yes I cry a lot, but the sun still exists-it just hasn’t shined yet, but I know that it will in due time. So until then, it’s back to square 1-therapy and mentally reprogramming my mind for 7 small clean meals and 1 free day w/ approx. 3 free meals and atleast 4 days of am cardio. Lifting will always remain!!! You know. 

So, that’s what’s going on over here w/ Heather. I’m okay! Thank you all for checking on me! I appreciate it!! 

This entry was posted on Wednesday, August 13th, 2008 at 12:57 pm and is filed under Other. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.