~Heather’s World~

Fight for what YOU want, BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY!                 
 

There was a time in my life when mentally, physically and emotionally I had no fight left in me. I was so drained. I was completely drained of joy, happiness, and vibrancy. I stood in my mirror many days and did not know the person in the reflection. My smile was gone, face covered in bumps, because of stress. When I lived in San Diego, I lived a sad, hurtful, emotionally abusive life. I lived a lie, day after day. I was built up only to be broken down and at the end of it all, dysfunctional becomes functional. All out battles became a normal everyday thing.  The ironic thing is that I come from a good family. My parents have been married for over 30 years. My parents never abused one another. Yes they had disagreements, but abusive-no way! I pretty much have had a perfect life growing up. Somehow I got stuck in a really, really dysfunctional and abusive relationship. I was taken through hell and back and then back to hell again. For a long time, I was ashamed and embarrassed to open up about it.

My mom always told me, “Honey you are so much stronger then you know. I am strong and my blood is flowing in you, that means you are just as strong or stronger.” I had to believe it on my own before any change could be made. When I broke free and emerged I realized the strength that I processed.

You know, it took me 3 years to be completely be broken down before I knew the strength I had all along.

These past few months have tested my strength on many levels. There have been days I’ve wanted to throw in the towel; there were days I wanted to give up. These last few days I though I lost all of my strength. I thought all hope was just gone.

It wasn’t until my mom sat me down and told me,” you FIGHT for whatever it is that you want. You fight tooth and nail until the end. Never let go of your dreams and hopes. If someone is in your way, then you take them out by whatever means necessary!”

I looked at her and said, “I’m scared. I’m scared Mom. Scared to fight, scared to really chase all these crazy dreams. I’m scared to lose at the end.  I’m scared to go through all of this only to end up empty handed and miserable at the end of it all. I just can’t do it.”

She responded, “I raised a strong, intelligent young lady. I raised you to have hopes and dreams. I did NOT raise a weak ling, she continued to ask me if I thought it was all worth a fight, and with tear filled eyes, I said yeah-without a doubt it is worth it. I want it!

“Then Heather YOU fight for it, by whatever means necessary. You fight until you have no more fight in you. You are a force to be reckoned with on so many levels. Stop taking the backseat of life and drive the damn car. For once in your life, go after what YOU really want!”

It was at that moment, the light bulb just went off in my head and that’s when I decided to stand my ground and fight. Fight for the person that I really want and that wants me. Fight for the life I want and deserve. FIGHT for all the happiness, love, and wealth thisworld has to offer and in the midst of my fight-I want to encourage and inspire others to stop sitting in the backseat-damn it, drive. Snatch the keys and drive, drive the car and never look back. Good things DO NOT just knock on your front door, you have to look for them and then you have to work and fight to keep them.

Fight! Go out and fight for this healthy lifestyle! Fight and work for that bangin body! Anything really worth having is worth a fight. If you want to have a smoking body, then you need to get your ass in the gym and start a fire. Hoe huming with your eating and exercise regime isn’t going to get it. When you fight, you need to know exactly what it is that you want, beyond a shadow of a doubt. After you know what you want, then you devise a plan to get it. After plan A, you need to come up with plan b and c, because obstacles will come and things will detour you. If you are already mentally prepared to take on anything, your body has no other choice then to physically follow. Remember even the most detailed, strategic plan can fail miserably-so be prepared for anything at anytime, because that’s how it usually happens!

It is now time for me to fight.  I have to fight harder, longer and stronger then I ever have, because I know exactly what and who I want in this life. I am positive this time around. I never had to fight for a guy. Lol. Yeah right, I can have who ever I want-but this time, it’s worth it. If I didn’t think that he was-I would’ve walked away, in a heartbeat. I do NOT tolerate b.s and drama, because of my past. He is worth it and even if I end up empty handed at the end-it was worth it, because I know-I fought and I tried. I didn’t just bail when sh*t hit the fan. Things are slowly falling into place, things are becoming crystal clear and I am finally becoming the person that God intended me to be.

I know that one of my passions is working out! It has been my saving grace, my anchor in all these storms. I love motivating and helping others. It makes me feel so good inside! I worked out with my girlfriend and helped guide her through workouts and I loved it! I always thought about personal training, but I never thought I could and I didn’t think I looked good enough to do it. I now believe in my heart, that I do have what it takes to train and to be a damn good trainer. I believe I hold so much positive energy, not just words, but actions as well. I want to be a personal trainer and pursue my writing in some way, shape or form.

I want to be to others what Phil and Dee were to me-a blessing. I want to help other people and show them all the wonderful things that this lifestyle brings. I want to lead by example.

An opportunity presented itself to me Monday evening-to become a personal trainer. I had been praying about it and I asked God, if that is what I need to do-send me a sign. A lot of people have been saying I would do great. I was still unsure. Well, it was like God literally came down and put it in my hand. So, right now, I am saving some money to become certified. I was told everything to do and already told, go get certified and you will be on the team. I asked him, are you sure? He said absolutely, you would f****** rock-if you give it your all.  So, I’m working on getting my certification now. It’s just a matter of time before I start.

I now know that I am right where I am because I had to go through all of these crazy situations to become who I am and open my eyes to what I want and who I want in life.  These obstacles have all been placed in my path for one reason, to prepare me for the here and now.

See, I didn’t know how strong I was before or how much of a fighter I really was until now. I had to go through changes, situations, and bad times to know that I am a FIGHTER! 

Never in a million years did I think that the person I care deeply for would be in the same exact situation that I was in years ago. It’s like listening to a broken record. See, at the time, I didn’t understand why God allowed me to go through that hell that I did. NOW I DO-he had me to go through it in order to bring someone else out of it, but I had to go through it and learn how to be strong alone, before I could teach or help anyone else to be strong. When I was going through all that, I had 2 people to count on my mom and D. D was my rock and the man I was truly in love with, he guided me and helped me out of that relationship. It took a long time, but he helped get me out by being my friend, supporting and encouraging me and telling me, YOU ARE BETTER THEN THAT AND YOU DESERVE TO BE LOVED ON A LEVEL SO DEEP AND TRUE. Now, I sit back and I feel like I am in his shoes right now. I didn’t go through all that crap for nothing; I went through it to be a blessing to someone else-to help him out of it. It’s crazy how life works.

Stop questioning the situations you go through-there is a reason. You might not realize it right away, but eventually you will. When you go through situations, regardless to if they are good or bad-share them with someone else, BECAUSE YOU NEVER KNOW WHO ELSE MIGHT BE GOING THROUGH THEM. YOU NEVER KNOW WHO CAN DRAW STRENGTH FROM YOU!

Whatever you are dealing with currently in your life-FIGHT!  Please go out and fight for it, you deserve it. It is your birthright. Don’t be scared to fail or lose, because the only way you can really lose is if you do NOT try. It won’t always be easy, but anything worth having is worth working for and for.

Remember-

Fight till the bitter end, by whatever means necessary. This world is cruel and sometimes you have to bring it harder then the next man. Keep your game tight, your eyes always open, keep your focus and determination at all times-if someone is dumb enough to approach you swinging- then damnit, you better be ready to brawl at the drop of a dime. Keep your eyes on the prize. Anything that is truly worth having and enjoying in this life is worth all the work in the world. It’s worth fighting for and if you fight and lose-it’s okay, because when its all said and done, you are stronger and wiser then before and somewhere in this lifetime, you will be someone else’s strength, you will be someone’s Apollo Creed, you will be THEIR saving grace.

 Your sis in health, hottness, and life

Control what you can and let the rest go-

This will probably be one of my most heartfelt and honest blogs. I am completely opening myself up, because someone else, somewhere else might be going through the same thing and if just one person is able to read it and feel stronger then it was worth putting myself out there. Trust me, there is a point to all that I am going to share with you. About a month ago, I was swept completely off my feet. I’d been seriously single for a long time. I had come to a place in my life where I was happy alone and just happy with myself. I finally felt complete and whole at the rip age of 27. Even though I’m still unemployed, I was happy with myself and right where I am. After this person came into my life, I felt alive, really alive. I felt a happiness and joy that I never really knew existed. It happened so fast, for him and I both. It was so good and so right. It was quicker then I ever anticipated. We met when both our lives were out of wack. I had issues and he had his own, but we both excepted them and looked past them. About 2 weeks later, he brought even more to the table. I took a step back to re evaluate the situation and nothing changed. The truth is that wonderful people make mistakes and get caught up in b.s. beyond their control. I didn’t care, because in my heart I felt like he was worth it. I believed it beyond a shadow of a doubt and I still do. For the 1st time, I said to myself, I’m going to follow and trust my heart. We talked it out and it was all okay. I believe it brought us closer. Everything was fine. We talked all day this past Saturday, laughing and making plans for this weekend. He asked me to accompany him on a quick road trip for the weekend and I said, of course I will go. He even allowed me to meet his daughter this weekend and she is just a little angel, so pretty and so smart. Well Sunday we had plans for the day, but we had to take his daughter home first. We did and that’s when sh*t hit the fan. Yeah, I’m sure you can imagine it. Let me tell you, if I did not care deeply about this man and if I had no respect for him or his child someone would’ve caught an extremely ugly beat down. I would’ve beat her ass and cleaned the city of Schaumburg, Il with her damn face. It took all that I had inside to keep it cool and I did, because I am not IGNORNANT. I am not confrontational and I don’t like to argue and fight, besides I am way to classy for that. BUT I was ready to use all the strength that I have. I’m a lover, but when you hurt or embarrass someone that I love or care for deeply, I will go toe to toe with you, and if your stupid enough to push me, then you better watch out, because I’m going to shove you straight into the pit of fire. I was ready to brawl. That is a fight I would’ve won, because my heart would’ve been in it. I’m not scared of anyone or anything, I fear God-THAT’S IT, THAT’S ALL. I even think he was scared I was going to get out of the car and give her a really good, old school, beat down-but I didn’t. I am a lady before anything else and that is how I carry myself. At the end of it all, he was more devastated and embarrassed by the situation then I was. I popped my collar, laughed it off, and focused on reassuring him that it was okay. I told him, hey-I can handle it and I can damn sure handle her. It’s okay. That could never change how I feel for you or what we have. That was the honest to God truth. Anyhow, he brought me home because he had to go back and rectify the situation. I was okay with it. His ex wife is a handful, but trust me-I can handle her ass. I gave him a hug and kiss, a few words of encouragement and reassurance-then told him, call me on your way back and I’ll have your food ready for you. He said okay babe, Ill see you later. I didn’t hear anything from him until midnight. He sent me a text message at midnight, saying: I’m sorry to have involved you in all my drama today. I have to much sh*t going on in my life right now. I can’t see you anymore. Oh man, it was like someone hit me with a ton of bricks. Not only was I half asleep, but I was confused. I didn’t see that coming at all. I didn’t see it for the life of me. I cried and cried. I cried like a child. My mom had to hold me in her arms and tell me, it’s okay honey, it’s okay. I balled because I didn’t understand and could not control it. For the 1st time I had no control. No control over the situation or my emotions. That is hard for a control freak to deal w/ . Sunday night I slept all of 2 hours. I cried myself to sleep and woke up instantly and started crying again. I didn’t understand it. I called him numerous times, emailed him, texted him, no response. Oh, I was miserable yesterday. Finally in the early afternoon, I tried to pull it together. I went to my 2nd love, running. I ran and cried. The harder I cried, the faster I ran. It was therapeutic. It was like I began releasing a toxic chemical and I felt better. Later in the evening I went to the gym and was ready to hit it hard. I was focused. It s like I tried to lift my pain away, if that makes any sense. With every set and rep, I just said, I’ll be okay. I’ll get through it. By the time I got back home, I was calm and then at the end of the night, I cracked again. I’ve never been so overcome by bittersweet emotions. I have never fell to my knees in tears. It was a pain so strong and beyond my control. I literally just snapped and buckled at the knees, in tears, but you know what my mom was there to fall with me, hold me, and cry with me. For every tear I cried, I think she cried two. I didn’t understand it and neither did my mom. All she said was honey, he was falling in love with you and he ran away, because he was scared and you were falling in love with him to, that’s why it hurts so, so bad. I know both of you all were falling because, I saw you all together. My poor dad, just asked me where he was and I started crying and yelled, who the hell cares and slammed my door. Poor guy doesn’t even have a clue. Lol. Eventually, I cried myself to sleep and here I am right now, I sit before you still trying to be that positive, uplifting person, looking for the silver lining in my own personal cloud, but I am quietly picking up the pieces, putting it all back together again, 1 day at a time. This situation has taught me that some things, good or bad, are beyond our control. We can’t control everything. This didn’t have to happen to us, it did, but it was all on him. He didn’t allow me to make my own decision. He made it for me. I called him one time yesterday, he answered., I said hello, babe-and then click, he hung up. Aww man, I couldn’t believe it. I know he just answered to hear my voice. See, he thought he was brining me down, he thought he had to much baggage-I didn’t. he thought it was to much for me and that I deserve so much more, because I was the whole perfect complete package. At the end of it all, he took away my ability to make my own choices. He ran away. Well, here are a few things I know for sure- 1. Mothers-you gotta love ‘em. They upset you and aggravate you, but what would we do with you. I’m 27 and still need my mom. Be a strong, positive role model for your daughters. We draw our strength from you. No matter how old you get, you will always need your mom, because I know I did. 2. Friends-True genuine non judgemental friends. If you have one, you better keep ‘em, because they are hard to find. I’ve got 2 and love them dearly. Not sure what I would’ve done without them. (thank you for the coffee Ang. I needed it yesterday.) Last, but never least the health/fitness point of all this…are you ready? You can not control everything and everyone. You can only control yourself, what you do and how you do it. In the midst of everything I made a choice to pull myself together and workout. I could’ve laid in bed all day and cried, but I didn’t. I pulled it together long enough for 2 good workouts. I couldn’t control what happened to me, I couldn’t control him. Hell, I couldn’t even control my emotions, but my health and the way I take care of myself-I could control that. I drew a lot of strength from my workouts, mother, and girlfriend. Those 2 workouts granted me peace of mind, strength and pure empowerment. I felt good while I was working out. I felt renewed. It was as if a ton was lifted off my back. I felt strong enough to get through the rest of my day. Walking into the gym was the next best thing to walking into heaven and seeing him. All my hope and strength was sucked out of me, but by going to the gym, I became renewed. Don’t underestimate the power of working out. I wanted prozac, hell anything to ease the pain, anything to make me happy, like I was before. I didn’t need prozac~all I needed was a good workout. A 2 mile run and a hard heavy weight workout did miracles for me. So, when things in your life get out of control, beyond your control. It’s okay. Remember you can not control every situation and you can not control anyone else. All you can do is control yourself and what you do. You can control your intensity, sets, and reps. That’s it. That’s all. You can control what you eat, when and how you eat. No one can take that from you. The most ironic thing to me is this, the one common thing that him and I felt so passionately about is the one thing that gave me strength and peace of mind. Despite it all, it was good, it was all beyond my control. So now, all of my energy and focus goes right back to where it started-the gym and myself. So please, don’t worry about situations that are out of your control. Just control yourself and focus on yourself. At the end of it all, that is all we have, ourselves.

6 months long, 6 months strong

Well, well, well-it’s been about 6 months since I have started going back to the gym and watching my diet. I can NOT believe how fast the time has gone by. This is going to be my 6 month review for all of you to see. I hope that someone, even if it is just one person can take something away from this. Get comfy, it’s gonna be a long one! J

Well, about the beginning of February I broke up w/ the current guy I was dating. No-I was cool w/ it. He was a major factor in my ever growing waistline! Lol! Anyhow, by the time we broke up-it dawned on me-girl you have got fat. You’re bustin out of these size 12 jeans. I did NOT like how I felt and I damn sure didn’t like the way that I looked. Luckily, it was winter, so I could conceal it w/ my downcoat, sweatshirt, and sweatpants. BUT…it was a cruel reality. I had let myself completely go!

So, I did what any smart single girl would do-I SIGNED BACK UP @ THE GYM. Well, I didn’t go too much in February due to the weather and other b.s excuses. I made going to the gym this huge production. I bought new tennis shoes, clothes, etc. Yet, one thing was missing THE WORKOUTS!!

Towards the middle of March I finally got enough courage to go to the gym. I went 2 times in 2 weeks. Embarrassed! I was so sore and just discouraged. I put it off. Finally, the last week in March I went back to the gym. Well, I was walking and gasping for air on the treadmill and all I remember telling myself is, ‘are you f****** kidding me! This sh*t sucks! I can NOT breathe. Ugh!” I kept going though. Well, by that time a personal trainer walked over and approached me. He introduced himself as did I. He asked me what my goals were and I politely tapped my gut and said, “To lose this, because this is NOT cute!” He laughed and said, “Let me tell you a secret.” I leaned in, as if he was going to share the Holy Grail w/ me. I said-yes. He said, Mrs. Houdini, coming to the gym 2 times in 2 weeks is not going to get rid of that gut or anything else for that matter. NOW. I was about 2 seconds from getting really sassy with him, but in my heart of hearts I knew that  HE WAS TELLING ME THE TRUTH! So, I kept my mouth shut, believe it or not!

So, I ended up signing up with him for personal training! Granted, I was hesitant at first, because I thought the prices would be outrageous, but considering that he has a thing for me (which I already knew) he gave me great prices! So, I said-I’m worth it. Hell if I can throw 2-300$ away on Mac makeup-I can surely pay this to help me get focused.

In the past 6 months, I have been through 2 breakups, not really bad ones though! I have been written up, fired, financially stable, and financially UNSTABLE. I have been through a lot! Good things and bad things-but 1 thing remained in all of my chaos, my workouts. They were always there!

When I started working out ya’ll, it was purely for VANITY, TO LOOK GOOD, TO BE HOT SHIT! I was just going through the motions. I use to fight w/ my p.t. about exercises. I would b*tch and say, I hate that machine; I do NOT want to use it. I do NOT want to do that. I wasn’t exactly the easiest person to work w/. I honestly, thought I could smile, bat my lashes and who hum through my workouts. He set me straight, quick, fast, and in a hurry. I left all that at the door as well as saying, I can’t do that!

I no longer say I can’t do that, now it’s more along the lines of tell me I can’t and I will show you that can and I will!

I started off slow!! Everyday I tried to get a little better w/ my eating, workouts, etc. My eating still isn’t the greatest! I cut out the fast food and started cutting little things out where I could. I didn’t wake up one morning and say-I’ll never eat that again. Maybe in a perfect world, but we all know that this world is far from perfect!

Anyhow, what I am trying to tell everyone-especially people starting off-BE PATIENT! Gees, patience is a virtue! I’m all about right now, right now, right now! Quick, fast, and in a hurry! There is NOTHING quick about this lifestyle that we are all embarking on. It takes time, dedication, motivation, and determination. With in a few weeks, I started to feel better and notice small changes in my body. I felt good! I still had to learn patience and I am still learning patience!

I started to plateau around the end of June, sometime in July. That is when Phil Valenti and I started talking! This man’s workouts are awesome. Every now and then I throw a few extras of my own in there, but generally-it’s his workouts that have got me here. See, I no longer need a p.t. to hold my hand. I am strong enough to do it on my own! I needed to have a  p.t. months ago, because I needed to be held accountable. Now, I do this because I want to! I do this because I love the way that I feel and look! I love how strong I feel. I love it! If someone would have told me, you are going to be able to do this and that in a few months-I would’ve said, yeah right! If someone would’ve told me, you are going to motivate others by your improvements in a few months, I would’ve laughed!! Workouts have become my calm in the storm. Other then counting on my family, friend, and God-I count on nothing but my workouts! My workouts are mine and mine alone!

It’s amazing how much attention I get when I go to the gym. Some days, I just want to tell these people (mostly guys) LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE! SH*T! I’M NOT HERE TO HOOK UP-I’M HERE TO WORKOUT! Every now and then I will be friendly and talk, but I really do keep my poker face on.

In the beginning I was intimated and looking for the single guys. Lol. Yeah, I’m guilty as charged. Now- it’s a whole different ball game! I am so NOT intimidated by the men or machines. I’m not ashamed to grunt or see my ugly vein pop out on my forehead. I no longer worry about getting to sweaty! I live for the sweat!!! It’s one of the best things in the world! I AM WOMEN, HEAR ME ROAR! LOL!

What amazes me the most is that women notice, stop me and commend me on the work that I have done! It cracks me up when they say omg! What are you doing that I’m not! (They don’t have the secret weapon-Phil Valenti! Lol) I just laugh and smile and share a few things w/ them.

In the past month, I have had other personal trainers come up to me and ask me if I’m secretly training for a competition, because I always stay so focused! They also told me, you have so much potential! You could do a competition and do really well! I have had people ask me if I thought about being a personal trainer! Today, I was doing an exercise and I noticed a group of women watching me. When I walked away they started trying to do the same damn thing…granted they were doing it wrong, so I went back and corrected them. They were happy! WHAT IS GOING ON! I FEEL LIKE A FREAKING CELEBRITY! The funny is that I still have not met my original goal! Sometimes, I feel like I am on a personal crusade to save the world! Lol!  (Can’t you all see me w/ my hot pink cape & booty shorts- and HH on my chest? Lol!)

I had one man at the gym refer to me as the xsport model! Wtf! I just laugh and keep on going! He’s been watching me to, because today he said, ‘Miss. model you’re about 45 minutes late!” I said, “Yeah. I know, better late then never, besides why are you worried about me coming late. You need to get back up and do another set of presses!” and then I pranced my little @$$ in the locker room!!!

I do NOT know everything, but here are a few things that I know for sure;

1. There is NO such thing as a quick fix. It has to be a lifestyle, a state of mind.
2. You will get out of it, whatever you put into it
3. You are only as strong as your weakest link (for me-its my diet)
4. Be patient!!
5. Be consistent!
6. Remember that small changes will give you major results in a few months, eg-

Going from 2% milk, to skim-then cutting it out when you can, using sugar free coffee cream or going black, cutting out carbs at meals later in the day, getting rid of regular pop and going to diet, eating more veggies, etc. SMALL THINGS WILL BRING MAJOR CHANGES!

7. Enjoy your workouts! You deserve it! Make that workout time YOUR time!!
8. Keep positive like minded people around you as much as you can! You all will wear off on one another!
9. Make a vision board (I have a picture of mines in my gallery); put yourself where you see yourself! Most people do NOT realize that half the battle is upstairs. Look at that board in the morning and at night! Remember whatever we focus on will EXPAND!!!!!
10. FINALLY, DO THE BEST THAT YOU CAN! EVERYDAY-ALL DAY! It’s okay to make mistakes or get side tracked, that’s life. Make sure to pick yourself back up and get back on track! Stay focused! If you believe it & I do mean, truly believe it in the depths of your heart and soul-YOU CAN ACHIEVE IT! It won’t happen over night, but it will happen. The time will go so fast, you won’t even realize it!!! Trust me, there will be times you want to scream, cry, or just say, to hell w/ this! It’s normal. There will be times you lose your motivation, get lazy…it’s okay, it happens-just know yourself well enough to know how to get back at it! Remember, throughout all the chaos in life, one thing can remain the same, your gym time. When you have no one to depend on, nothing to depend on, you have your gym and your workouts!  

So, for me-it’s been 6 months long and 6 months strong. I’m in a place right now where I am starting to really love my body and all that it is capable of taking! I’ve come along way in 6 months. My main focus for the past 6 months was pretty much the exercise part and now for the now 6 months, it is diet.  My diet has been okay, wishy-washy at times.  I need to take these next wonderful 6 months and focus on how to deal with ups and downs. I’m extreme, either I have no appetite and don’t want to eat or I want to eat everything. Nothing is every at a happy medium with me. So, I need to really learn how to beat that!

It’s taken me 6 months to exercise and get to where I am now and it will take another 6-8 months to reach my physical goals, among other things.  Patience is the word of the day! It will take time, but you will get use to it and you will be okay. Make this lifestyle 2^nd nature and you will reach and be able to maintain your goals. It’s really a simple equation, exercise = 10%, Genetics= 10% and diet 80%! The diet has got to be right!

So with all of that being said, take it one day at a time and remember-The pyramids were not built over night, airplanes and cars were not perfected over night and neither will you! Give yourself time and be patient! You will reach your goals!

Luv u all!

HH (President of the hot squad!) J/K LOL