~Heather’s World~

*Sometimes you have to go through the pain in order to experience the joy* Diddy
You know, for the past few weeks I have been in this extremely deep sense of thought. I have been re-evaluating a lot of things-some things personal and some things not so personal. I have thought about the good jobs-the bad ones, the good relationships and the toxic ones. I have been pondering a lot about my time in the gym and all that I put into it.
Sometimes you have to go through the pain to experience the joy…hmmm..we all have been through bad break-ups, dysfunctional relationships, screwed up friendships, unfair situations. A lot of us deal w/ issues w/ food, anxiety, depression..etc. This one sentence hit home-I kept saying it and I realized that I had to gain 30lbs some time ago in order to take the gym seriously. I had to gain the weight in order to realize that I’m not ‘naturally’ thin-it’s work in progress. That was when I realized that I will have to make this a lifestyle fix, not a quick fix. Quick fixes do not work. Some days my eating is good and some days my eating is crappy-but at the end of it all-I know what I need to do in order to maintain and to lose body fat.
I remember the pain and aggravation of putting on clothes and they didn’t fit. I remember be pissed because I had to go up a size or two when I went shopping-that was the pain that I had to experience, but the joy now. The joy: of going to buy a pair of jeans and having to go down from a size 7 to a 5 or from a 9 to a 7. Wow! The joy in going from shoulder pressing 10lb dumb bells to 25lb dumb bells, or how about squatting 20lbs to squatting over 100. Dead lifting 20lbs to dead lifting 100 lbs! Amazing! I can look back now and say, that pain and aggravation were worth it! It was a cross road that brought me where I am today. I feel in my heart that I am the princess of the gym! I do-I lift w/ my hot pink nails and black gloves and I focus and key in on myself. My workouts are NOT about anyone or anything else except for me. However I might take things that are upsetting me or stressing me out and channel that energy into my workouts. I try to take the negative and use it as a positive.
I can honestly say yesterday was the first time in a very long time that I got really upset and didn’t eat! That was quite refreshing when I realized it! I mean, I was truly hot under to collar and wanted to just spat off, but I kept my cool and got up and left for about 30 minutes and just grabbed a cup of coffee and I was okay. When I left the office-I went to the gym and had a wonderful workout. All the things that were bothering me and aggravating me became fuel for my personal fire! I was able to do 45lbs on the t-bar row for the first time! I was so proud! The funny thing is that one of my friends, Leo @ the gym was picking on me all day yesterday. So, I decided to pick on him. He was ‘warming up’ w/ the 45lbs and I told him to lift like a man, NOT a sissy! So, he in turn told me, well-since your so damn strong-tough girl, do it. Ha-I pounded out 10 reps w/ perfect form!!! I dropped the weight and looked at him and told him-Now, YOU need to man up and your weight up -SMALL FRY! Lol! I love the boys at the gym! They make me laugh!
I realize now that regardless to if a relationship is right or wrong, you can NOT control your feeling or emotions-especially if you have love for another person. Relationships can make you or break you. I had a relationship that lasted for quite a long time. I talk about it often during my therapy sessions-while going through this particular relationship I never quite understood the significance of it! I was never willing to admit how I felt and I felt guilty for the emotions that I harbored for this person. However, in therapy I’m able to admit it all and be okay w/ it! I realize that for a long time, I took that person for granted-I thought they would always be there and in a way-I took advantage of it. I also can look back now and admit that, that  particular person and relationship was like a security blanket to me. When I was down-he was always there for me and willing to be and give me what I needed, but when everything was fine and the wheels were turning in a positive directions-I kept my distance and did my own thing and never stopped and worried-about how he was doing! Even though in my heart, I knew the way I felt about this person. I just didn’t want to admit it! Denial is a mother! So, considering that I’m now talking to a therapist, I’m kind of reliving it all. I feel like a volcano at times, my emotions are literally bubbling over. Now that I have a chance to be open and honest w/ this person-I am. I have been sharing all that I have felt and do. I know that he has feelings as well as I do. We just deal w/ them in different ways.
 By going through the pain of yesterday-the last relationship, this whole therapy thing, dealing w/ these new panic attacks and anxiety that I have-I have a sense of joy and peace today. All of the situations that we go through shape us and our character! I know the content of my heart and my soul! I know what makes me tick and how to make others tick-I know the warning signs to a toxic relationship! I am constantly learning how to shape my body as well as my mind. I am in the process of learning how to deal with my anxiety and the pervious binges.
You’ve got to go through the pain sometimes in order to experience the joy. There is a certain pain that comes w/ being over weight, loving someone you can not have, having issues and not realizing them, learning how to break bad habits, feeling like your in a never ending battle, almost losing your best friend in the world, feeling like you are totally alone and no one understands or feels your pain, or how about being depressed and having NO clue as to why you are depressed-that is pain, After you manage to get through that-joy will surely follow. Things aren’t perfect today, but guess what I am okay. I do have joy and I can sit and smile.  Everyday is a learning process. I wake up now and I think, well-what the hell am I going to learn today? What will I discover about myself and my emotions?
So when things seem to be really bad, falling apart or when the walls seem to be closing in-remember,
You have to go through the pain sometimes in order to experience the joy

*Summer comes to an end*
 

Well, summer has come and gone all in the twinkle of an eye. It’s the official end of the summer, even though I’m sure more warm days lie ahead, it’s really over and it’s only a matter of time before it gets chilly, windy, and for us people in the Midwest-snowy! YUCK! LOL! So here is HH’s summer review!
 

My summer was boring! Boring as hell to be perfectly and blatantly honest! I have no one to blame but myself for that though. Therapy has got me to actually sit back and think-I mean, thoroughly think about myself and my life and ultimately the choices that I have made the past few years. It’s truly enlightening to realize the things that I have. All I know is that I am blessed and happy to have people around me that truly love, appreciate, and support me! If it had not been for the people that were close to me, supporting me w/ this whole therapy thing-I WOULD NOT HAVE WENT! I think it’s the best thing that I have ever done for myself other then going to the gym!
 

Right now one of my favorite songs is Damaged, by Danity Kane! I love the beat and everything, makes me wanna dance or workout! Lol! I realize NOW after so long how damaged I was on the inside! Not only was my heart damaged my self image! Being a former chunky monkey-I don’t think my mind changed when my body did. Its kinda like boys, boys grow up yet the maturity level doesn’t. (Don’t act like it doesn’t guys! Lol) I know now that it’s okay to except compliments and be happy and feel proud. I bust my butt, literally in the gym 5-6 days a week and I try to eat clean! I work hard to look the way that I do! It’s not only about the gym, but taking care of me and keeping myself looking nice! I have to tell myself everyday, I am NOT fat! I am not on a diet! I am working towards a greater goal-building my temple to be the very best that it can be! I want my temple to shine and glow from the inside out! That means, letting go of all my hang-ups and hurts-and the past. I’d like to think that I have a new hand on life! I know that it’s what you make it!
 

Stop sitting on the sidelines, watching everyone run the race and saying, I’m bored-why is my life so damn boring. That was me for a loooooooong time. I merely went through the motions of just being and breathing! Guess what, just breathing is NOT living-it’s just being and I do NOT want to just be. I have just been for such a long time. I work hard, train hard; I love hard and yet have had NOTHING to show for it-for the most part. I realized that when I was going into this deep depression-I pushed all the people that I loved the most away! I pushed my mom and my very best friend away! I love my best friend so very much! I’d give this girl a lung, kidney, blood-anything! I love her girls as if they were mine (and I don’t care for other people’s kids! Lol)! I pushed my mom away, I didn’t want to talk, I just wanted to sink and be alone! Thank God for loyality-they were there for me and loved me unconditionally!
 

As summer comes to an end and the fall begins-I’ve decided to go into the fall and new year w/ a bang! My girlfriend and I have decided to have a bi-monthly girl’s night out-no kids, no boys, just us-glammed up strutting our stuff in a more grown and sexy way! It’s not like it use to be in my early 20’s! I’m not about staying out till the break of dawn or getting pissy drunk! I want to go out have great drinks (NOT TO MANY..LOL), great conversations, and see if I still got it! Lol! I’ve decided to date as well. I do NOT want to be tied down to one person at this present time, because I need to get myself healthy-as a whole before I can truly be w/ someone else. I want to live my life and enjoy it! What’s the use of making good money, looking good, and never really enjoying it w/ someone? I’m not looking for Mr. right-just Mr. Right now-someone who I can be friends w/ and go out w/ and just have a blast with! That’s all.
 

So as the summer comes to an end, I’m going into diet overhaul! I’m ready to clean it up, a little more day by day! My muscles are looking awesome! I am so proud of it! One of the things I said to myself when I started training was that I wanted people to be able to look at me and say, damn, that girl must workout! It’s a reality now! Everywhere I go, everyone is always saying, you must work out pretty damn hard! My response: YOU DAMN RIGHT! LOL!  Even my mailman was asking me about my regime! He told me I had arms like Angela Bassett and legs like Tiny Turner! Hahaha! All I could say was, thank you so much! I’m no longer self conscience ‘bout my booty, because I have been getting mega compliments on it! Everyone at work tells me  you have such a great butt! Even our hr girl told me, Heather your booty is so great! What do you do! Lol! I was at the gym doing hamstring curls and this girl was behind me w/ her husband working out, and my friend says to me, did you hear her. I said, no why-he says, she just told her husband, babe I want an ass and legs like that! Look at her! OMG I’m thinking! All I could do was laugh!
 

It’s a great feeling to walk in the gym and to be watched by men and women! When I lift, I lift from my heart-as funny as that sounds-I do! I dance w/ the iron! I love it and thank God that my dad instilled weight training in me at a very young age! I was about 4 years old and he bought me a pair of 3lbs iron dumb-bells so I could lift w/ him. He would video tape me and tell me to do shoulder presses curls and squats! Imagine that! I think that’s why he is proud of how I live in the gym.
 

I’ll be 29 in January and I would like some sort of VISIBLE ab definition! That’s my goal and I’m going to work on it day by day! No scale though! Just clothes and tape measure! That’s all. It’s time for me to turn the focus completely on me and not everyone else. I guess I am a people pleaser-it’s time to please myself and make myself happy! I will be going on vacation probably in march! I think were going to Vegas and when I go-I want to be in tip top shape! So, I might as well start now and keep my eyes focused on the goal. Competeing is NOT out of the picture either, just not at the current moment. I need to get my mind right before I can whole heartedly embark on that.
 

So, on that note-enjoy the last official summer holiday and get that mind refocused for the fall! It’s time to build that booty, back, or whatever part you really want to make better! Remember, you wanna look just as good coming as you look going! For all my flat butter bodyspacers-DO NOT GIVE UP ON A BOOTY! IT IS POSSIBLE! I HAD THE FLATEST BOOTY IN THE WORLD! I GOT TEASED ABOUT IT! My rump is now moving up North!!!! It’s taken a lot of time, but damn it is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO WORTH IT!
 

In health & Iron!
*HH*

~Cease the day~ 

You know, the past few months for me have been very long, sad, lonely, stressful, and a whole lot of other things. However, I do thank God for good friends and family-mother in particular. 

I was always looked at and known for being the life of the party. The bubbly one, the one that kept it all together, the peace maker, I took pride in always trying to be politically correct. 

I must say for the past few months I held it together rather well, until the dust finally settled-I about lost it. I literally lost it and I pushed a lot of people away. People who truly loved me and valued me for me! 

This past relationship was more draining then I realized. At first it was nice, seemed to kind of work, but as time went on, the relationship took its course on me. I am by no means saying he’s a bad person, just not the person for me. I was so worried about him and how he was and everything that had to do w/ him-I forgot about myself. I was ready to sacrifice everything about myself to make him happy, to change, to move, to give up my job, my family and friends. When all of that became more of a reality, I lost it. Now, it took a little therapy to realize why I snapped and fell into a deep depression, however I am okay now! 

The truth is this-Therapy has been a blessing in disguise! I feel freaking awesome when I leave there! I get to go talk and say whatever it is on my mind-and I AM NOT JUDGED! I say what and who makes me happy, my therapist LISTENS and tells me, it’s okay, feel the emotions! I feel ‘em and I’m okay! I’m not waking up in the middle of the night daily, eating, worrying, stressing, feeling hopeless. Just in these few weeks since the separation-I feel free as a bird. I feel like I can sore. I feel happy! I am single and happy! 

I have an adorable 23 year old admirer. Lol. Yeah, 23-he’s definitely eye candy, he makes me laugh and smile and just to be in his presence makes me feel young again, however-he’s just a friend. 

I have friends that love me and value me-flaws and all. Since I had to cancel my trip for Labor day weekend, I decided to use the voucher for another trip w/ either my girlfriend or someone who might be lucky. Either way it goes, HH is going to live it up and enjoy herself. I work hard, I train hard, now-I need to play hard. 

It’s all on a different level now, as you age-you do mature. I’m not about running to bars and clubs every single weekend, none the less, I do want to go to more ‘grown-up’ spots and have drinks and dance a lil and see if I still got it! I want to enjoy my friendship w/ my girlfriend! I go to the gym faithfully and I look pretty damn good, I don’t just want to rock my tennis shoes and workout clothes, I want to put a twist on my muscles w/ heels, my girly clothes, makeup, jewelry, nails, etc-there is a time to wear the lifting gloves and there is a time to lay them down-so right now, I am learning about laying them down from time to time. What’s the use of looking so great, if you never show it off! 

For the past year or so, I have sat on the sideline-watching everyone run right past me. Guess what-I’m still sitting on that sideline-watching the crowd go by and life go by as well. Well, that is behind me-The first official girl’s night out is Sept 6^th. Yep-at a pretty nifty place in the Chi. It’s for someone’s b-day. I n my eyes, that’s the kick off party! From this point on out-I’m going to go out and enjoy my damn youth while I have it! I will indulge in drinks from time to time, not to get pissy drunk through, (I’m still a gym rat and we all know that is bad for the belly and waistline!) I want to go on vacation, I’m going to date and it’s going to be on MY TERMS! Example: Get in where you fit in- Mon-Thursday 5.30-7p I am at the gym, get in b4 or after or I’ll see ya when I see ya! Lol. I mean, the game has changed for me. 

Honestly, it’s so great to have this young eye candy running in behind me, flirting and smiling, and totally stroking my ego. I mean, in my mind-I’m thinking, dude I’m like 30 almost and your not even 25. LMAO! Ohhhhhh, it’s great! It’s 50/50 though. It’s fun, we flirt and laugh-but there is no potential for anything there. I’m just enjoying the flirting and laughing and all that stuff. Hell, it’s nice to have someone walk me to my car and stare at me and smile and say flattering things to me! It’s nice for someone to come by my desk and kinda lean back and smile and see how the heck HEATHER IS! It’s great to come to work in my workout clothes and have someone appreciate the cuts I have and the small tush that I work sooo hard on! I feel good about me. 

So the point is mental & emotional health are just as important as physical health! Dental health is very important (if you stay out of the dentist office for 10 years, you will have problems. Lol. I know this first hand!) It’s important to have a balance and a happy medium with family, friends, relationships, diet and training! There is a little time for everything, its just up to you to make that time and enjoy it! Do sit on the sidelines and wait for the perfect moment to do something-just do it! enjoy it! if you have someone who likes to flirt and talk to you, just talk and flirt back. What is it going to hurt?! Enjoy your life-because you only have one and once it’s gone-it is gone! You only have your youth once! I don’t want to look back in 10 years and say, wow-I bet I could’ve done this or that, I want to lean back and say, wow! I remember when I was like 30 years old! I was a looker! Lol! Got the point? 

*Always dancing w/ IRON* 

 *sometime we spaz out*      
So let’s rewind to yesterday! Okay-I trained legs last night! I did a heavy leg day. I was very pleased. I reached my goal of deadlifting 100lbsx 10 reps! I was also able to legg press 260lbs x 8 reps, smith machine squats of 125lbs! I was very, very, proud of myself. I was kicking ass! I did ext, curls, lunges, plie squats, and step ups, then I did hiit (sprints) for 20 minutes! Whew! I was on fire! I even ate well yesterday! I was dressed cute for work-I just felt freaking good about me! I went home and hung out w/ my mom and started going through clothes and the fact that everything fits great, just made me feel so good inside! I do have a goal pair of pants though! They are a size 5/6, BCBG lime green, fitted pants. They have moved up so, I have slimmed down! That’s good! I had a brand new pair of white capri’s-8’s-waaay to big! That was a good thing! Lol.
Okay so lets fast forward to today! I have a serious fear of the dentist, however-last Saturday I had to go due to a toothache! Well, the grand total of cavities…13, plus wisdom teeth need to be pulled and now they say a root canal! OMG! Literally, I wanted to run out of that office or punch the dentist out! Thinking of going tomorrow makes me want to cry to have the work done. I’m only getting a few cavities filled and the wisdom tooth pulled. But it was really bad, infected and on a nerve! That is a pain that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy! That’s the ONLY reason I went! So, now-I have to go tomorrow for that..plus I have a complete physical in the morning, and my therapist Saturday at 10am. I’m freaking spazing out! Like all day I was fine and then I wanted some taquitos..i had 4 and I was fine!!
After I spoke to the dentist-I grabbed 3 pieces of candy and ate ‘em. Still spazing, still like OMG..i want to cry about this dentist crap! I went to Dunkin donuts and got coffee. I bought an apple fritter as well, but I didn’t finish it all. I like snapped back.
So, this situation is a catch 22. Yes, I ate some bad stuff, but I didn’t go crazy and I did stop myself. But the good thing is I realize that I spazed out about the dentist that caused me to go for it. Now, I need to come up w/ a way to avoid the food part of my spazing! Coffee usually kills it for me..but I’m like really anxious. That’s why I’m writing! just because my nerves are literally jumping all over.
So, tonight-I’m going to see a friend and have a drink or 2, because I’m sure I will be on my butt all weekend in pain. So, since today is my free day, I think I will just enjoy a glass of wine!
*love ya’ll and keep me in your prayers tomorrow! I will surely need ‘em*

*And this to shall pass*
The truth is that the past few months for me have been especially trying. I have had many ups and downs. I have had victories and major loses.
The past few weeks have been very eye-opening to me. I have learned a lot about myself-good things and bad things. Alright, first things first-I never in 100 years saw myself sitting in a therapist’s office, but guess-what I was. It was the most enlightening thing to me! I felt calm and I was just able to vent. Wow! I came to a few realizations during this 1^st 1 hour session (I’ll touch on them later).
You know, it’s so funny I can encourage, push, motivate, and constructively criticize a lot of people-but when it comes to me-it’s a different story. It’s amazing that I see myself and I see nothing special. I don’t see or view myself as beautiful-I’m just me. Yet others constantly compliment me. I realized that I do NOT know how to take a compliment. My therapist showed me and I stopped and said, wow! You’re right. Heather truly does NOT know how to except a compliment. It’s easier to believe the b.s. that people feed me then the positive things. Imagine that!
There are a few things that I want to share about my first therapy session that I found pretty enlightening! The first is that I do NOT know how to except a compliment, the 2^nd is that the gym is my safe haven, my source of strength, my calm in the storm, next-I realized that I allow everyone (usually guys or relationships) steer me away from my goals.
My ultimate goal is to walk across a stage-because to many people have told me I would kick ass for it not to be true, yet in the mix of this thing I call life and love, I get mad and stressed and I lose myself trying to make someone else happy. I lose myself trying to make everyone else happy, trying not to hurt them, trying to be everything to everyone. That is why I kept crying and saying I’m tired, I’m tired. Everyone said tired of what heather! Now, I know-tired of sacrificing myself for everyone and everything except for the important person-ME! See, she (the therapist) asked me-Heather who made you stay in San Diego; no one made you-why did you stay there? I said, I couldn’t leave him, I didn’t want to hurt him, and he needed me! Hmm…he hurt me, but no one cared about my hurt. It’s always been about everyone else but me. I never realized that. I realized that the reason I had been feeling so depressed lately-flashbacks. I was having flashbacks to 01-04 when I lived in San Diego.
The current person I was w/ was saying and doing things that reminded me of my ex and it was as if I was reliving it all over again. The only difference this time is instead of being quiet, I got mad-really, really, abnormally mad and cruel-because I refused to go through what I went through again. It literally tore me up inside, because I didn’t know this while going through it. I am still dealing w/ the flashbacks! I told the doctor, I forgave Jay-I am so not mad at him anymore. She said, no it’s on the contray, you’re mad, angry, hurt, and traumatized. Yesterday, while discussing this w/ a friend, I just said it, I f****** HATE HIM! I ABSOLUTELY HATE HIM! Wooooow! Those are harsh words, but some how it made me feel relieved!
I also realized that I was changing for him-not for myself and all these crazy, crazy, things caused me to BINGE, BINGE, AND BINGE! I mean, this past relationship literally got the best of me. It was the same script, different character! It was total and complete deja-vu. I felt like I was 23 all over again, the bickering, fighting, crying, depression-everything repeated only I was older and going through it w/ a different person. After all those years of working to find me-I was losing me all over again. The smile I fought so hard to keep and hold onto-gone! The dreams and desires-swept under the rug! I have busted my ass to get back in a more then comfortable job situation and to think I was going to pack it all up, quit, leave my family and friends for another man who wouldn’t even listen when I said-I’m depressed! You would’ve thought I had learned after all these years. Wooooow! History does repeat itself if you are not careful. I was losing me-I withdrew from everything and everyone other then the gym. I was hurting on the inside-trying to cover it up on the outside!
 It has been a constant binge fest-however, I never stopped lifting and I never stopped doing my cardio-so I have pretty much maintained my 28.5in waist. I won’t get on the scale, not now. Now, the only positive thing I am noticing through this binge fest-my muscles have grown big time! Lol! I guess it’s true, feed the muscle and it will grow! My arms, back, shoulders, have totally grown. Now, it’s time for me to get refocused again, not just on diet, but on everything!
I realize now that this whole “bodyspace” thing isn’t just about who has the tightest ass or best abs-it’s about wellness as a whole! What the hell is the point of being so fit, if mentally you are on the verge of a nervous breakdown! You are NOT well! I was so, so, caught up in abs, tight ass, cut back, but mentally-I was gone and I mean-long gone! But by God’s good graces, family and friends-I was able to snap back. I’m not 100% right now, but I’m dealing w/ all these mental issues that I have. It won’t happen over night, it’s a process-just like diet and exercise. Mental wellness is something that I will have to work on as long as I live. The best thing I can say is that the other day I wanted brownies-I bought a pack of 15, I had 2 small ones and GAVE THE REST AWAY! I felt like the angels were singing in praise, because I didn’t go nuts, I didn’t binge, I didn’t sit there and sing the whole, “whoa is me” song! I ate 2-enjoyed ‘em and got rid of the rest.
I have to learn how to deal w/ my stress and anxiety through other means then sweets and binges. That is NOT going to get it! I spoke w/ a near and dear friend of mine yesterday and he gave me a reality check-he told me stop, look, listen, and analyze. Lol. So, I kept talking as usual-he said, SHHH! LISTEN! (lol) I did. I never realized that I never, ever, allow myself to heal from one relationship before I just in to another one, usually head first! I just in and keep on going. H.H. isn’t never alone for to long, I bounce back quickly-but I fail to learn from each situation! I don’t like pain and hurt and i know that if that means dating someone not to be alone-I’ll do it or if it means just tolerating someone because I’m lonely and want to pass time, I will. That has got to stop here.
The truth is I am tired. I really think I am tired of 1 bad relationship only to be followed by one that is worse. Right now, I need to focus on me, my hopes, my dreams, and just make me a better person and truly, truly whole heartedly learn what I will and will not tolerate. I need to learn what motivates me and pushes me. I need to just worry about being the best Heather that I can be. No one can validate me, I have to do that alone! I have to be happy and complete alone. Another person can always add to the greatness you have, but they can NOT complete you. I realize that. I know now that if I change it has to be for me, not for anyone else.
So, right now-I’m focusing on my mental, maintaining my physical. It’s coming along, lifting heavy and weeding junk out of my diet-1 step at a time. So far so good! I have even been sleeping all night and waking up for am cardio-tae-bo is my new thing! Lol J It makes me feel strong, so I do it! I enjoy it! So, all in all-I’m better, muuuuuuch better!

*Where is HOT Heather?* 

Well, it’s been awhile since I have written a blog as far as what the real deal is w/ me. 

So-here we go. Well, I’m alive, breathing and still training. Some training days are just kick ass and some days-it’s like I just get my ass kicked. Monday I was fabulously fierce-I actually did a 60lb shoulder press for 8 reps (30lb dd)-I had one of the guys spot me. It was pretty funny, because a group of the guys were just watching, because I was kind of whining about not being able to push the weight-well, my buddy was like, just do it. I said, umm…okay. I did it and by rep six, I just yelled, I can’t do anymore-he said you can, come on and I did. I received an APPLAUSE. Haha! That was priceless. Now, my workout was CRAPPY-I was merely just going through the motion. I managed to kick out an hour workout, but I just kind of floated through it. No heart-at all. 

Well, lately heather has NOT been Heather. For about the past 2 or 3 months, I have not felt normal-but I just brushed it off as pms, moodiness, etc-etc. however, I realize that it’s much deeper then that. 

My binges have gotten so bad-its just down right aggravation and disgusting. I realize now that it’s been the stress and emotional baggage that has been pushing me and keeping me up at night. 

The relationship that I was in is now officially over. Yeah-over, another one bites the dust. I didn’t see this one coming though, not at all. It hurts, I still love him, but I feel like I made the best decision for him and I. I didn’t want to hurt him and I didn’t want to be hurt anymore. I just didn’t see it getting any better or ever changing. I don’t think he was a bad person, I just don’t whole heartedly know if he was the person for me and vice versa. 

We broke up yesterday-I was at work, I had a mini melt down,but held it together till it was time to go to the gym. By the time I laid down to go to bed, I just sat on the bed and I finally just broke down. I couldn’t hold it in anymore. It was as if I were a water balloon bursting-I literally just broke down in tears. I cried and I just started talking to myself. None the less, I felt a bit better. 

I guess my question is why does love have to hurt so damn bad? Gosh, it’s like why even go through it if it’s going to hurt you in the end. I mean, I just wave my little white flag, I’m done for a while. 

I woke up this morning..and I felt sad. All I kept thinking was God-just get me through the day. He has-thank goodness. Despite the situation, I feel okay-calm. No binge eating or anything. I slept like a baby and everything. 

I have a friend at work and he keeps me occupied. He makes me laugh and smile, so that helps a lot. He listens to me vent. So, all and all I feel alright. 

I’ve also decided to see a therapist! yeah! I never saw that coming! I think it’s for the best because for the past few months I have felt like I was going to have a nervous breakdown. I felt like I was just losing my mind, the vicious binge cycle, one thing after the other. So, I go see her on Saturday morning. This should be interesting. 

So, the whole point of my speal is this: what good is being physically perfect or on point, if mentally you are sick as sick can be? What is the point? 

Mentally and emotionally I have just been so out of it. I was mad because I couldn’t keep to my diet, mad because I felt tired, mad because I have to work long hours, mad because I was lonely, mad because I saw myself as fat, mad because I felt like-I can’t win for losing, mad because I was in a long distance relationship, mad because I felt like I received no understanding from him, I was mad, hurt, sad, depressed, bitter-etc. Trust me this list goes on and gets so much deeper. 

I know that I was dealing w/ all this stuff by eating. I would go to sleep mad or sad, wake up in 2 hours eat, then crash. I mean, it was every night. Last night, I slept sound. 

I mean, hell I even saw this girl at the gym and I got so mad at myself, why? Well, okay-this girl’s midsection was completely bangin! I will give her credit for that, but everything else was terrible, she was NOT cute in the face, the rest of her body was nothing special, I could blow her out of the water in every other department-EXCEPT THE MIDSECTION. Yeah, so I’m running, killing myself on the treadmill and I see her prance into the gym. Lol. I can laugh now, but she literally was just ‘hanging’ out there. And she was like, walking so, so, so, so, slow just so everyone could watch her and I was like, damnit-if I just ate right-I’d bust her damn bubble. See, her attitude is really ugly-so that makes her ugly. She walks around w/ her nose stuck in the air. Anyhow, the point is that instead of allowing this to drive me deeper into depression, I am using it to push myself to get help for this binging! I will NOT be satisfied until I see some sort of ab definition and have a 25-27in waist. I do NOT care how long it takes, I do NOT care if I have to pour my guts out to a therapist, I do NOT care if I am a quack! I will NOT give up on what I know I can attain. I look at this as a roadblock, it can be moved. I just have to learn how to remove it. you know. 

It’s so easy to fall off of the planned clean meal wagon, but goodness its hard as hell to get back on and stay on and just say no to everything and everyone. I mean, I work in the land of tub-o-lard. Yeah! It’s NOT easy! However, I just told myself today while smelling all the good crap, that if I continue to eat like them, I will surely look like them and God knows, I do NOT want that! 

Now, on a good note, since I have been eating a lot, I feel like I have put on mega muscle-so, I’m just going to call this my ‘bulking’ phase. I mean all my clothes fit great, no problems, but my muscles look freaking huge-my shoulders, bi’s, and even my back is wide as heck! So, maybe it’s not all that bad. I mean, when I carry my purse (on my forearm) everyone is like damn-look at her arms! It just makes me laugh. 

So, take care of yourself mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically. I think in order to shine on the outside, you have to shine on the inside and heather was in and still lingering in a really gloomy place. However, slowly but surely its all coming back together and I’m still standing. I’m standing in a storm right now, yes it’s raining hard as hell and yes I cry a lot, but the sun still exists-it just hasn’t shined yet, but I know that it will in due time. So until then, it’s back to square 1-therapy and mentally reprogramming my mind for 7 small clean meals and 1 free day w/ approx. 3 free meals and atleast 4 days of am cardio. Lifting will always remain!!! You know. 

So, that’s what’s going on over here w/ Heather. I’m okay! Thank you all for checking on me! I appreciate it!! 

i have been feeling really, really depressed and someone mentioned supplements and said maybe they are the cause. however, i really don’t know. i taker the following stuff:

No-explode, Protein (whey/Casein), Beta Alanine, Creatine, L-carnitine, Multivitiman, B12, Iron, Venom hyperdrive(fatburner), CLA, and i think that’s all. that’s all i can remember. oh, i also take the Venom leandreams at night.

i feel really depressed! i can’t sleep, somedays i want to gorge and other days, i dont want to eat-period. i don’t know what the heck is wrong w/ me. so i was wondering, are the supplements getting to me?

You know I am so aggravated right now. I literally just want to scream bloody murder! First, I woke up in the middle of the night last night, hungry as usual and ate. Woke up this morning, so damn sore-I just rested. Yesterday was such a long painful day because the 2 damn people I assist are related to dumb and dumber. I told both of them yesterday, I was a bit tired, to pay a little more attention to picks and drops! WE HAD MORE issues yesterday then I don’t know what. We had loads just sitting in the yard, missed picks and drops! I was so damn pissed off. It’s like, who’s damn freight is it, mine’s or yours. I’m so tired of them! Then today, I’m tracking deliveries, I see I made a mistake on a date. I had a delivery set for 03/01/01! Are you kidding me! They are suppose to always check the load entry b4 opening the damn load. He didn’t do it, so that means, that’s another load blown. He doesn’t even know! That’s how dense he is. Drugs kill and fry your damn brain! That’s for sure.
I’m tired as hell, I’m mentally drained working w/ these 2 people, I’m so aggravated right now. I’m tired of being self conscience about every damn thing I eat, I look at myself and I think I’m fat and it drives me crazy and I bust my ass in the gym and I feel like I’m always stuck at the same place. I just want to wire my mouth shut! I’m tired of busting my ass super hard in the gym and for what, nothing! I look the same! I’m tired of  just everything and every damn person.
Then me and shawn got into it this morning. This is the first time in a long time. He just set me off and as a result of that, I forgot to wish him a happy b-day because his b-day was today. He had enough nerves to tell me, I hope you don’t treat me like you treated Kelly..excuse me? Oh, what did he say that for! I went off and was like, how dare you say that to me. You don’t have a damn clue as to what Kelly put me through or how he treated me or downgraded me. Oh, I was pissed the hell off! I just want to cry. I’m so tired of working 10 damn hours a day! I hate it! I hate the vulgar environment! I hate helping these 2 idiots! I can’t even get quiet mentally-because my mind is always on the go and that is NOT how I need to be. I’m just so tired of this shit. I’m so tired, I’m so sexually fusterated, I’m so tired of going to the g ym, busting my ass only to wake up in the middle of the night and just eat freaking p.b. and jelly rice cakes or sf jello or whatever. I’m tired of not having enough time for me to even just sit down and read and just enjoy the calm and quietness. I’m so tired right now and I feel like I am going to burst. I really do. Then shawn just made it that much worse w/ his stupid ass comment. I don’t know. the he says, well when I was there you were mad cause I talked about the way you drive and I was like, yeah and! I apologized! WHY ARE MEN SO DAMN STUPID, THEY THINK THEY CAN TOSS OUT SOME LAME ASS APOLOGY AND WERE JUST SOSPOSE TO SAY, OKAY! AND BE 50 GRAND THEN BE UP ON THEM! GIVE ME A DAMN BREAK! I DON’T CARE IF YOU SAY SORRY 1000 TIMES, UNTIL I FEEL LIKE I HAVE SAID EVERYTHING THAT I NEED TO OR THAT’S ON MY CHEST, YOU’RE GOING TO HAVE TO HEAR IT! IT WAS THE SAME WAY THIS MORNIGN! I just hit the roof…and I was like, do you have any idea what sort of mental and emotional abuse I went through. Do you have any idea how that man treat me.do you realize how scared I was of him and thought he was going to beat my ass. Do you have any clue! Yet, you gonna say I hope you don’t treat me like him. Hell nah! Girl, I lost it and I’m just so upset right now about work. I’m aggravated as hell. I’m tired and tired. And tired. I just want to cry right now because I’m aggravated.

Okay, due to everyone inquiring about this chart-thingy that i’m doing, i’m going to share it w/ everyone, in a bit more detail. First of all, the mind, body, spirit chart was not from my great mind, but it was actually a project for an online bible study i read one day and i thought it was pretty darn cool!

Okay, basically, you have 3 catergories, Mind, Body, and Spirit.

Now, you have 5-10 goals for each catergory, obviously the goal is to reach each of your goals for that day. you get 10 points for every goal met.

so if you can picture this, you will have the dates on the side of your paper (lets just use the dates of the challenge-my chart goes until August 26, then i go on vacation on the 28th and will start a new chart when i get back home.)

Now, on the top of the paper, you will have 10 rows with your goal for that day and the very last box will just say points. each day you accomplish something, write, yes or no or use x’s and no’s. whatever. then at the end of the week or day, add your points up! it’s really cool to see how much you can accomplish if you actually set your mind to it!

when i did this, i felt super close to God and i felt like i got waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay more accomplished. if i didn’t explain this well enough, i will look for the actual link to the web page and  you can see and read about it. it’s awesome.

 Here are a few of my catergories

Mind: Read my devotion daily, memorize atleast 5 verses during the challenge, continue studying the love to eat, hate to eat eating principals, journal my eating and JOURNAL EVERYTIME I FEEL A BINGE COMING ON, etc.

Body: Lift 5 days, do 3 days of cardio am (at the least), do all pm cardio sessions, take a few minutes to focus on baby got back parts (booty, back, inner thighs, and abs. this could be 1 extra exercise daily or whatever, just the icing on the cake, but daily), eat foods in as natural of a state as possible, eat the way my trainer insists, drink atleaast 1/2 gallon of h20

Spirit: Light a candle and pray (fire is a sign of God), sing a song, write a praise report, mediate in complete silence, write a faith based blog on a revelation, etc.

these are just a few of the things i’m working on doing!

i hope this helps!

Blurb for the upcoming week & challenge 

Despite being really busy, I thought i would take the time to pretty much lay out my game plan for everyone. So, here we go. 

Today has been another one of those days. Yeah-just busy, okay, eating kinda blah, feeling tired, so forth and so on. So, I went on lunch today and seriously thought about this challenge and my binges and just everything that means anything to me. I came to the conclusion that I need a schedule that I pretty much set in stone and try to keep to it come hell or high water. You know what I mean? 

I have made great progress! As soon as my results started blooming, i started binging! Terrible! Yeah, as terrible as it is, it’s honest! I know I’m not the only one who suffers through this or goes through it. So, I just want other people to know they are not alone! Training has NEVER been my issue, my issue is w/ my eating. However, I have a game plan for that. 

So, onto goals, they are as follows: 

1. The first thing that I want to devise is a schedule and truly try to keep to it! That ensures that my body will eventually get accustomed to it. 

2. I want to do cardio atleast 3 days in the am, my goal is 5-but I need to do atleast 3 days in the morning. 

3. I want to get my quiet time in w/ the Lord, I notice when I put him off, he puts me off. When I was passionate and hungry for him, everything was 50 grand! What I mean by that is that everything went well. I didn’t binge as much. Once I started putting him in the back seat, I feel as if he put me out of the car! Yeah, so-definitely need to schedule his time daily, even if it’s only prayer or whatever-he deserves something 

4. I want to do another mind, body, spirit, chart. This shows you clearly in black and white how good or bad you do. I found this idea w/in an online bible study and it worked great, I was blooming all around the table and I looked forward to x’ing everything off that I did! However, I stopped about a month ago or so and I feel that I went downhill. So it’s literally back to the chart!! I’m excited though, I’ll make a pretty one in my notebook 

5. Along w/ my given eating plan, I want to practice the disciplined eating regime. It’s more about the mind w/ this versus the food. So I want to definitely become stronger and better in this realm! (love to eat, hate to eat, by Elyse Fitzpatrick!) 

6. I want to obviously do all scheduled workouts, but I want to throw in a few extra things, like really focusing on these inner thighs and my bum! You know. I also want to work on my tummy. 

7. my goal for my waist is about25-26in. I’m not realy concerned w/ my weight, I just want to see the bodyfat drop. 

My diet will consist mostly of protein and complex carbs and veggies. It’s extremely plain and at times, rather boring. Lol. However, I know it works. I don’t eat bread or anything, basically oatmeal and rice cakes. 

Also, I have to make sure to hit a half gallon of h20 day-at the least!! 

That’s all for now!