Oh no! I thought I was over that “Maybe you’re too old for this” business.
I am training so hard, so often, and with such a calorie deficit that, yup, my old nemesis, the thought that "Maybe you’re too old for this, Herm" is trying to work it’s way back into my head. I have found the simple "My dick is too old." reply not cutting it as well as it used to to chase that nasty thought out of my head.
I need to get a little more creative with using "my dick" to eradicate the ludicrous thought that maybe I might, in fact, be getting a little too old.
So, whenever that thought tries to work it’s way back into my consciousness, I’m using a series of jokes and riddles to send it away.
It seems to be working.
Here are a few:
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because it was a female chicken and it wanted to see my dick.
Why do firemen wear red suspenders?
Because my dick won’t hold up their pants.
What’s black and white and red all over?
My dick with a checkerboard pattern after Lorena Bobbit got a hold of it.
Why do Jews have big noses?
To compensate for the fact that their dicks aren’t as big as mine.
Why do black guys have big dicks?
They don’t. I do.
Why do Chinamen pull rickshaws?
Because I won’t let them pull my dick.
What did Tarzan say when he heard the elephants coming?
Their dick’s are almost as big as Herm’s.
A rabbi, an Indian chief and a midget walk into a bar, the bartender takes one look at them and says "Herm has a bigger dick than all three of you."
A traveling salesman stops by a farmers house. He knocks on the door and asks the farmer if he can spend the night. The farmer says "No, Herm’s dick is already sleeping in my spare bed."
What time is it when an elephant sits on the fence?
Time for my dick.
Take my dick. Please.
What do you get when you cross an octopus with a python?
My dick. Only instead of testicles, it has tentacles.
So, folks, that is how I’ve been chasing that nasty thought that I may be too old to train the way I do these days out of my head.
Hey, whatever works, right?
Oinkity, oink, oink.
P.S. The vagina monologues were so successful, I’m thinking about doing one called "Monologues about my dick." (Catchy title.)
Broadway will never be the same.
October 6, 2009 at 10:00 am
You had me going til the oink oink. Visions of Deliverance. No man should be tortured with that.
You must be a private detective in real life.
October 6, 2009 at 10:02 am
No, but my privates are so big they are easily detected.
October 6, 2009 at 10:07 am
Then why does everyone call you?……….
Richard?
October 6, 2009 at 10:11 am
Because it has the word "hard" in it.
October 6, 2009 at 10:14 am
In short, your never too old; and neither is your dick.
October 6, 2009 at 10:15 am
I guess that’s why my nickname is Microsoft. I hate getting two slams for the price of one. Life’s hard.
At least for one of us.
October 6, 2009 at 10:19 am
Hey, not so fast. You think it’s easy being called "King Schlong" all the time?
October 6, 2009 at 10:24 am
No mas, no mas! I gotta get some work done ya know. Better save the mental juices for work. I can’t keep UP with you.
For a song worthy of a King, though, check my blog this morning. Maybe it’s all about you.
And isn’t it ALL ’bout you, Herm?
October 6, 2009 at 10:29 am
It’s all about Jew.
October 6, 2009 at 10:33 am
Jew got it ming.
BTW: What does ‘ming’ mean anyway?
October 6, 2009 at 10:36 am
It is an acronym for "Mine Is Naturally Gigantic".
October 6, 2009 at 10:38 am
i think mang is a southern accented "man"… urbandictionary.com
October 6, 2009 at 10:43 am
I wish that I didn’t read this at work…too funny…good stuff
October 6, 2009 at 10:44 am
Well Herm, you’ve just been redefined. If it makes you feel better, you could wrap it in bling. Then you’d be an urbandickionary kinda guy.
October 6, 2009 at 10:47 am
The dialogue between you and Al was almost more fun than the blog! I was literally laughing out loud reading this!
October 6, 2009 at 10:50 am
If there is no coffee splattered on your computer screen, I know I have failed.
October 6, 2009 at 11:01 am
Seriously funny stuff……… How great is it to write an entire blog about your twinkie…. ?
I laughed so hard………… it is good to know that others have minds that reside permanently in the GUTTER…….. I sometimes begin to worry that maybe something is wrong with me !! So damn funny………… Thanks for the laugh…
October 6, 2009 at 11:25 am
No, my mind isn’t in the gutter. I talk about my dick in a clean wholesome way.
My dick is just a part of life, like trees, flowers, furry little animals and singing birds.
Did you know my dick can sing, too?
Next video I post I’ll do one of it singing kumbaya.
October 6, 2009 at 2:36 pm
haaahahhhaaaaa! *breathe* hahahahahahahaha!:)
October 6, 2009 at 3:15 pm
That is some good stuff there Mr. Herm. I think you need to add this comedy to your cooking show.
October 6, 2009 at 5:16 pm
Twinkie = dick? LOL!
I guess both have a cream filling.
October 6, 2009 at 5:22 pm
i like v. so fresh and so clean.
October 6, 2009 at 7:10 pm
I think if we’re taking commercial baked goods I would think it would be a Drake’s Devil Dog capable of making a Hostess Cream Pie.
Ouch.
October 6, 2009 at 7:36 pm
All I did was try to figure out the connection between the baked cooked item and Herm’s favorite subject. That’s all.
I know nothing about cream or filling or any actions that might lead to the umm… expulsion of cream fillings.
Look at this innocent face, I don’t even know how to spell "innuendo". (Okay maybe I know how to spell it…)
October 6, 2009 at 8:03 pm
Okay, I will use innuendo in a sentence.
Gina: Luigi, are you gonna’ putta’ it inna’ the front?
Luigi: No, Imma’ gonna stick it innuendo.
October 7, 2009 at 10:25 am
I honestly do not think anyone can top that last statement by Herm.
Geez, I was hoping this comment file would last for weeks, but you are now going to have to start a new blog, Hermicus.
October 7, 2009 at 12:02 pm
"No, Herm’s dick is already sleeping in my spare bed."
LMAO I was wondering when your next blog post would be bro. well worth the wait
October 7, 2009 at 12:11 pm
The son of a bitch kicked my dick out of his house at 2 AM in the morning because he said it was snoring too loudly.
He made it sleep in the barn.
All I can say about that is the next morning all the sheep, a couple of goats and a pig were very, very happy.
October 7, 2009 at 1:54 pm
not to mention partially torn in half right? ha
October 7, 2009 at 7:09 pm
Herm when you’re standing in the deli at the small goods section do the other salamis get jealous…or does the counter hand mistakenly grab your dick and start to slice it up for the old lady next to you?