My dick is too old.
Exactly one year ago I made my transformation from 47 year old guy who hadn’t worked out in 3 years and whose best days were behind him to the guy I am today.
And I will remain the guy I am today until they put me in my stainless steel casket in an above the ground stone mausoleum with stained glass windows.
Perhaps the guy I am today was dormant in me and needed to be brought out or maybe I had undergone an apotheosis.
I was there; and now I am here, and that is the only thing that matters to me.
I hated there. I love here. End of story.
Time to rewind to middle of story.
This morning–and I’ll let you know why in a bit–I was thinking about some of the work outs that got me from there to here and what was going through my head.
To make such a dramatic change in my physicality in seven weeks took an effort that I had never put forth before, and this coming from a guy who, before my three year rut, was was known as the Pete Rose of advertising. I wasn’t always the most talented, but I was going to get to the office before you, work through lunch and leave after you.
Weekends? What’s a weekend?
I knew what effort was going into my transformation.
I thought I did.
There were days, most days, that the pain and fatigue, both physical and mental, had me thinking to myself, "You know Herm, maybe you’re too old for this."
NO!
I would literally get off the bench I was sitting on whenever that went through my head and shout "No!" and slam my fist into my palm.
I’d pace up and down thinking to myself "If you’re are too old, buddy, this is end game. You can go home now and be an old fart. You’ll never walk down the street feeling good about yourself again. You’ll never wake up feeling energized and ready to kick the world’s ass again.
All the highs will be gone from your life. Enjoy the rest of your life of mediocrities and lows. Maybe your old ass can’t handle the highs anymore."
As it turned out I wasn’t too old. It was my mind playing tricks on me.
That’s what the mind does, at least mine did.
It would have been easy to walk out of the gym and thrown in the towel. I’m sure if I sat down with anybody and told them of my failed attempt, they would have patted me on my unmuscled back and said "That’s okay, Gramps, you’re 47 years old. What do you expect?"
No! Expect my dick!
I was going to come back! All the way back! like my hero John Holmes, bigger and better than ever!
(I recorded my voice saying dramatically: "HermTheWorm Is back, bigger and better than ever!" and mixed it into a lot of my workout music on my ipod).
I kind of liked the thought of that.
Even though I was on the precipice of quitting, I was using imagery of porn and my big dick to keep me going.
Ya’ gotta’ use what ya’ got, right?
Maybe I wasn’t too old, after all. I still possessed the juvenile mind of a 12 year old.
Yes. I was getting through workouts. Mind over matter, or in this case, dick over matter.
With a lot of guys the little head controls the big head. I was going to work this to my advantage.
On subsequent days, whenever I’d feel too pained and fatigued to go on, and that nasty little "Maybe I’m too old for this" business would creep into my head, I’d immediately send it to it’s room without supper by saying:
"No, my DICK is too old."
Turns out, I wasn’t too old. My mind was just looking for an excuse, any excuse to avoid the physical pain.
The mind will play tricks with you like that. I had to make my mind my bitch.
I’m too old? My ficking dick is too old.
Take that mind.
Dissed and dismissed. Owned and DE throned. Negative thoughts: Punked.
Fast forward to last night.
I was feeling sorry for myself because my hip injury that has lingered for four months has not only caused a minor atrophy in my leg muscles, and now they are slightly less developed than my upper body, but one leg is visibly more developed than the other.
This with the Wilhelmina hot body search around the corner.
It’s human nature to feel sorry for yourself when things like this happen.
I am not human.
I am a deity. Irving Sexbaum. The Jewish God of Love.
My legs ficking got that way. They are going to UNget that way.
Feeling sorry for myself time over.
See ya’, wouldn’t want to be ya’.
Failure is not an option, Herm. Are those empty words on your Bodyspace page or are you going to live it?
I am going to hit those legs with everything including the proverbial kitchen sink.
I will work them until I can’t walk. Then I am going to haul my sweaty ass off the gym floor and hit those cocksuckers again.
Legs, I am going to tear your ficking heart out and stomp on it, scrap it off the floor and eat it.
Legs, be sure to grow another heart for the next workout, because sure as sh-t I’m going to do that very same thing to you again the next work out.
And again and again and again.
I have a sound bite of a mad scientist from a cheesy 50’s movie saying this on my ipod to his newly created monster:
"You must learn to obey!"
That’s how I feel about my body. You must learn to obey!
Legs. You must learn to obey! Bee-yotch.
I am going to keep coming at you again and again like the terminator.
The Terminator is a piker compares to the Hermanator.
Incidentally, about my dick being too old?
It was just a set of words I used to get me through my workouts.
Fear not, my dick is bigger and better than ever.
(Veinier too!)
My naked DVD box sets aren’t selling as briskly as I’d like and I don’t want to do anything to hinder their sales.
I’ve added an extra "Hermo The Perverted Clown" DVD to the set for no additional charge, so get out your checkbooks and order today.
September 19, 2009 at 8:10 am
DICKS DO WORK NUFF SAID HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAH
September 19, 2009 at 8:13 am
Sometimes your logs inspire me. Sometimes they make me cringe. Sometimes they do both.
September 19, 2009 at 8:42 am
I’m cringeworthy, therefore I am.
Cringan*, ergo sum.
René Descartes has nothing on me, baby.
(There is no Latin root for the word cringe, it is from middle English, so I used the middle English root.)
September 19, 2009 at 8:55 am
Dicks will never be too old!!! They always get the job done If you. Takes a lot to make me cringe, but thee blogs pull me close sometimes
September 19, 2009 at 9:05 am
I guess I need to work harder.
Haha. I said harder.
September 19, 2009 at 9:07 am
thanks herm ive been in a rutt latley !! been battiling a lower back problem for awhile so ive been coasting threw my training and diet but u struck a cord in ur blog that has awken the beast again !!! took me a year for my transformation and i was 41 im 42 now and the mind has also been telling me im too old !! but the bull**** ends today !!! those young cats at the gym cant keep up with me now .
age is just a # its time to take control !! the best is yet to come it may take us a little longer to heal becouse of are age but the bottom line is we still bring the heat to the gym!!! thanks again herm
September 19, 2009 at 9:22 am
"Man is what he believes."
Anton Chekhov, 1860-1904
September 19, 2009 at 9:30 am
Herm, the first half of your blog was one of the most inspiring things I have ever read, and the second half of your blog was pure ‘Herm’!
The first half almost had me in tears, and the second half had me laughing out loud. That takes a lot of hermalicious talent.
Bravo!
Great blog!
September 19, 2009 at 10:10 am
how bout i think with my cock, therefore i am a cock, my cock is a muscle, i work out so my cock muscle is strong so i am strong yet still a cock??????? anyone anyone buellerrr buelllerrr???
September 19, 2009 at 10:22 am
Do you enter it in cockfighting contests?
September 19, 2009 at 2:31 pm
Cock a doodle do. Just say that next time you want to quit. And if your dick ever does get too old…some things are better with age. Like my wine.
Goatalicious, hermalicious, dickalicious…pure filthy. You know what that all means.
September 19, 2009 at 2:31 pm
Herm, another great piece of writing.
Authentic Hermanator Inspiration.
September 20, 2009 at 5:25 pm
Sounds like your knocking the dick, er..legs, in the dirt. Age is just a number; a number I like to ignore.
September 21, 2009 at 7:09 am
Great Blog Herm!
I’m right there with ya…"I just do what DICK says"…everything else is just BULLSH*T!
September 21, 2009 at 12:54 pm
You bring new visuals to mind for pushups. Thanks a heckuva lot Herm. Tent City.
But great job on the hardbody, old guy.
September 21, 2009 at 1:04 pm
You know the adage:
There’s no Jew like an old Jew.
September 21, 2009 at 1:08 pm
Jew got that right.
September 21, 2009 at 4:30 pm
A glimpse of Herm, nice. It really makes me wonder if I’m working out hard enough…. hmmm… yes, I can work harder.
September 21, 2009 at 6:44 pm
if one leg is underdeveloped…its sounds like your "third" leg big enough to take its place and get the job done…just a thought :0)
September 21, 2009 at 7:09 pm
Haha. Funny and so true.
Naked in the locker room I look like a God damn tripod.
September 21, 2009 at 7:16 pm
you make me proud to be a hermite :0)
September 21, 2009 at 8:22 pm
Thank you. I try.
September 22, 2009 at 9:36 am
I think this last blog it the nail on the head. The moral of this story, and there is always a moral to Hermicus’ story is that you can have a really old dick and still do something with it IF you want it bad enough. And, if Sexbaum can pitch a tent at his advanced age, it is certainly a testament to his testes.
September 23, 2009 at 2:11 pm
You said Dick…I like when you say dick. :p
September 23, 2009 at 2:52 pm
Yes, I talk about my dick a lot. Why?
"The creative mind plays with the objects it loves." _Carl Gustav Jung, 1875-1961
My dick. To know it is to love it.
September 23, 2009 at 6:11 pm
Here’s to never having a dick that’s too old to do what its suppose to do!
Now go whip those legs back into the shape you want.
September 23, 2009 at 6:41 pm
Here, here!* Cheers! *Clink*
* "Hear hear", folks, is an abbreviation for "Hear, all ye good people, hear what this brilliant and eloquent speaker has to say!"
September 23, 2009 at 6:55 pm
Interesting!
September 23, 2009 at 9:30 pm
handle your business Herm
September 24, 2009 at 9:19 am
Great blog! A lot of new ways to gain inspiration. I better get going.