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Archive for March, 2009

I’m not worthy!

Thursday, March 26th, 2009

Before I start posting food items, recipes, gadgets and other neat-o links to way cool stuff, I couldn’t resist doing this blog entry "I’m not worthy", especially coming on the heels of my last blog entry titled, "We’re not worthy."

It’s a natural. This title after the last has that certain "somethingness".

For most of my adult life I’ve been in good shape or very good shape, and sometimes in so-so shape, but until I totally let myself go for 3 years and came roaring back this last September (Damn, that was only six months ago, it seems like 6 years ago.) I’ve never had a body even close to what I have now, and while I’m no Brad Pitt, my face is even looking way better than it’s ever looked, as I’m taking maniacal care of my skin and hair (don’t ask) and everything else that falls into the category of looking my best. I’m not a shallow person, and if you think I am then you can kiss my big, black, Jewish ass. But…

I’m all of a sudden, at 47, I’m a more strapping virile guy than I’ve ever even been close to being in my life. It’s really kind of weird in a way, a little Twilight Zoney. But good weird. I’m only 10 days into my grueling 60 day Cybergenic program and I already can see major differences in the bod. I wish I had done this 20 years ago, nah, actually, I don’t think I had the maturity level 20 years ago to have handled it

Jack Nicholson: "What do you want?"

Herm: "I want a great body!"

Jack Nicholson "You can’t handle a great body!"

I am headed toward uncharted waters for myself and I’m quite curious and excited to see how all this will turn out. Of course all y’all will be following me every step of the way, and that makes it more interesting and fun (my workouts are far, far from fun, take my word for it). I’m sure y’all with be rooting for me because I’m not one of those perfect guys who joined this site just to show off how "awesome" they are, but rather an average Joe who has built himself up form a schlepper.

Do I think I’m worthy of it? F–k yeah!

So, Herm, what’s with the God Damn title? Care to fill us in and get to the f–king point?

Okay, get ready to be filled in (Ian bulges his eyes in anticipation–No, Ian, you perv, not that way!)

I was checking my friends list last night and just noticed that two of said "friends" who had asked me to be on their lists which I subsequently accepted (If you’re reading this and waiting for an invitation from ME, it ain’t gonna’ happen. If you don’t take the initiative, no way, no how.) had only ultra-hot buff guys (no homo) on them.

And there I am. Little, old, Jew man in the mix. At his point, I don’t know whether to be like: "Damn right, I’m one of them." or be totally insecure and think "Were they on drugs when they added me?"

The point being that it was a shock to me that all my hard work and sacrifice is paying off (it shouldn’t be a shock). It’s kind of like "Oh yeah, THAT’s why I work out until blood comes out of my f–king ears, eat like a monk and stuff myself with more supplements than a chain of GNCs."

So here are the users and their friends list, I’m sure the women, homosexuals and latent homosexuals reading this will not exactly find it torture to go through some of them (Okay, maybe women who are lesbos).

I’m on this friend’s list

I’m also on this friend’s list

Now folks, do me a favor please don’t:

A) Tell me “Herm, you sure as hell belong there!” because you are trying to be nice or…

B) Even WORSE. Say “Herm, they must have been on some good drugs when they added you, think you can get me some?.” Ha f–king ha. Don’t quit your day job.

It is what it is, and this site is all about “Wooohooo, look at me, see how I’ve progressed!” So bear with me. If not, refer back to the part about kissing big, black, Jewish asses.

Although, I know child Psychology,  and “youse guys”, as we say in New York, are going to do the exact opposite of what I ask.

Me. Lumped in with those guys.

I’m not worthy.

But then again, maybe I am.

*Pumps fist and does a little touchdown dance.*

We’re not worthy!

Tuesday, March 24th, 2009


Between now and the time I finish my Cybergenics, I’m going to take this little pewter beauty (photograph courtesy of my wife) to the silversmith and for $50.00 for the first and ten for each additional ones after that, place seven of these figurines around my keyboard when I work and/or play on the computer, to bow down before yours truly into perpetuity.

The single one that I have now simply won’t do. No siree, bob.

I will scoop them up on occasion and bring them to put on the bathroom sink when I shave, and perhaps even bring them to the gym with me and strategically place them around “The One of Ones” while “HE” trains–other people work out, HermTheWorm trains (I’m beginning to talk about myself in the third person, a good sign.)

A little self esteem booster or meglomaniacal delusionalism?

Who the f–k knows?

Who the f–k cares?

But one thing is for sure.

Come May 15th, all will bow down before the mighty Worm.

P.S. I know a certain creative director guy on BB.com who would give his eye teeth for one of these, maybe I’ll make an extra for him. He deserves one (But I deserve seven). :)

A little survey.

Monday, March 23rd, 2009

In my first post on this blog, I stated that I’d share recipes and cooking tips (I attended the French Culinary Institute), and food/health products and general cool things that I think you guys would enjoy, complete with links.

I think I’ve been a little bit remiss in that department and I have a ton of stuff that I think you folks might find interesting. The beauty of this is I’ll only get feedback from people who give enough of a sh*t to reply, and anyone else can kiss my big, black, Jewish ass.

So, what say you?

So long, faithful blog readers.

Saturday, March 21st, 2009

Way back in the day when I used to work in the creative departments at huge, New York advertising agencies (I still do, occasionally, but on a free-lance basis), when I’d crack a two week assignment in one day, which happened often, I’d have the luxury of taking inordinately long lunches. No one checked your hours in the creative department for the most part. You’d get an assignment and get it done by the due date, if you spent one hour in the office or 15 hours, it really didn’t make much difference as long as the work was done and done "competently". It didn’t have to be "good". Small boutiquey agencies did good "work". Big monolithic agencies and I won’t mention names—Saatchi and Saatchi, J Walter Thompson, Grey, etc.–did the horrible stuff you see on television that makes you want to tear your eyes out and roll them in salt. The stuff that insults your intelligence. Do you know why it insults your intelligence? Because the people who run the business end of advertising think that you are stupid; and the big clients, I won’t mention names–General Mills, General Foods, Nabisco–who tell the agencies what they want, think that you are even stupider.

Subsequently, if you see a spot that insults your intelligence, it’s saying a big "F*ck you" to you. So say "F*ck you" back by going out of your way not to buy that product. But, most of you are sheep, and will sit there in a daze on your soft asses and take it. No problem. Most people who get abused want it and deserve it, so who am I to ruin their enjoyment?

But I regress.

It was during one of these inordinately long lunches that I took myself over to the Angelica theatre on Houston street to see the first show on the first day that "Henry, Portrait of a serial killer" was released. It was so "out there" (it wasn’t) and filled with gratuitous violence (it wasn’t gratuitous) that every ten minutes another group of people would up and walk out of the theatre. This aided and abetted my enjoyment of the film and I have since bought it and have seen it so many times I can recite every line of dialogue throughout the entire movie. And often do.

I think this blog entry will be like that movie. People will leave in batches while reading this, never to return. Good f–king bye and make sure the door doesn’t hit you in the ass. It was nice knowing you, although more than likely, it probably wasn’t.

If you’re picking up on the subtle vibe that I am not in jolly spirits today, then you win first prize. A map to the nearest lake and an invitation to jump in.

I said from the very first post that this would be a venue for me to vent my spleen occasionally, and this is one such occasion, lucky you.

If you don’t like it, as any self respecting eight year old would say, then you can lump it.

I can’t tell you how many blogs I’ve purused on this site that go something like this:

"Yeah, well, I like woke up this morning and it was, OMG, raining, and I have a nice umbrella with little lollipops on it, LOL and then my dog bit my cat and then my cat ate my goldfish. Yeah, so like my ass itched and I scratched it and was going to go to the gym, but decided to have my usual breakfast which consisted of Lucky Charms with Pepsi poured over it instead of milk, um, like, because I’m lactose intolerant and stuff, BTW,  is that considered eating clean? Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, I was going to go to the gym where they have weights and cardio equipment. Does your gym have weights and cardio equipment? Isn’t it funny how most gyms have weights and cardio equipment? Then my ass itched again but this time I decided not to scratch it."

Blah, blah, f*cking blah.

On the odd chance that you’re on my friends list or a regular commentator or contributor to my Bodyspace pages, I’m not talking about any of you, so cool your f*cking buns, I’m not passive aggressive like that. I’m aggressive aggressive, if I have a problem with you I’ll be very up front about it, you won’t get any guff from me but shall instead receive the inglorious title of Persona Non Grata. Congrats.

Yes, this is a rambling blog entry; and you figured that out all by yourself. I’m proud of ya’.

I’ve done enough blog entries with a beginnings, middles and ends. Today, it’s "umbrellas with f*cking lollipops on them, dogs biting cats and scratching asses" time, only with a lot more piss and vinegar.

Just yesterday there was this young fellow talking on his cell phone, leaning right in between the only two doors that you can use to exit the gym. I stood dumbfounded waiting for him to notice that maybe, by some strange chance, people might–I don’t know–maybe want to use the door to walk into or out of the motherf*cking gym?  He kept right on talking. He saw me standing there, too. He wasn’t a little twerp, a twerp, but not a little twerp, like a six foot one model good-looking guy about 170 pounds. I swear to f*cking God I came thisclose to grabbing that cell phone out of his hands, smashing it and choking the living shit out of him. It’s not like I just FELT that way. I actually took a step towards him and had to contain myself.

It’s like the Chinese water torture in my East Village Neighborhood. One slight after another. Drip, drip, f*cking drip. I really think I need to move to another neighborhood, these kind of shenanigans don’t go on as often on the upper east side, and even less so around the Sutton Place area. Or take anger management, but I don’t want some poorly dressed chubby guy with glasses and bad hygiene AND cheap shoes to tell me how I ought to live my God Damn life. One of my terraces is probably bigger than his whole apartment, so anger has done very well by me, thank you very much.

Oh Herm, you sound so unhappy. :(

No.

I’m happy as a f*cking clam. I like being angry. It makes me feel alive, and by gum, there’s just so many gosh darn things to be angry about. I know dozens and dozens of people who never get, or at least show, their anger. I know them well. They are on anti-depressants. Those are very big these days, and if you were well-informed you’d know that (another few people just left my blog, never to return. Bye.) I’ll take the anger and pass on the anti-depressants because, well, I never get depressed. I once read somewhere that depression is repressed anger. No repression here, babycakes.

So that’s that today, and I’ve had my own little billious version of "it’s raining outside and I have an umbrella with little lollipops on it" moment.

If it will make you feel better, go to my photo section and rate all my photos zero and leave horrible comments, because it would warm my heart to see that I’ve gotten to you and I’d find your impotent attempt at retaliation quite amusing. I double dare you. (More people leaving, never to return. Bye.)

As for the rest of you, enjoy your F*cking week-end. Maybe my next blog entry will be a little less angry, but the way I’m feeling right now, don’t bet the house on it.

If you don’t like it, read the damn title of this blog again and remember about that door hitting the ass thing.

Something it the back of my mind tells me I’m going to have a brutal workout today.

A little lesson in humility.

Monday, March 16th, 2009

I was on my way the the Layfayette street branch of my Crunch fitness this morning.

The branch on my corner is convenient and average-sized with your typical gym people.

The Layfayette street branch is a meager 8 block walk, with two floors the size of football fields. Every single person there, guy and girl, is jacked. That is where I’m going to be starting my Cybergenic program, or to put it more accurately, where I’ve just completed my first session.

It was a fairly nice March New York city day, and I was listening to Jackie Wilson’s "Am I the man" and thinking to myself, "Hell yeah, you ARE the man!". There are parts where he sings "Tell me agian, baby, am I the man?" and the chorus of girls sing "Yes, your the man!".

When I got to the locker room it was fairly empty, being that it was off-hours, so I did a rare thing and took off my sweatshirt and looked in the mirror from a decent distance with the locker room’s very flattering light. I still had my ipod on and hit "Am I the man" once again, shaking my ass like a complete idiot and cupping my hand to my ear to hear the chorus answer "Yes, you’re the man!". I was pretty self-satisfied with how my torso looked after 4 months without cardio and no drop sets or any truly grueling soul-searching work-outs under my belt.

I did some ab work as I always do to warm up and get it out of the way.

I set up the weights at the squat rack and did my first set, balls out. Then reality set in.

I often kid around about the whole "Jewish business" and I’m not really into the whole organized religion thing, as I am married to an Irish Catholic, but I do deeply believe in a higher power.

I think God was looking down on me and saying "Boy, does this @ssh-le ever need a lesson."

And you know what? I think I got one.

I completely forgot about what it takes to transform your body in a meaningful way, and had approached the whole situation a little too flippantly.

This bodybuilding thing, when done full tilt, is serious gut-check time.

There is an expression "getting slapped silly", well, I had the silliness slapped right the heck out of me.

I was reminded of that Billy Joel song where he says "Ya’ had to be a big shot, didn’t ya’, ya’ had to open up your mouth."

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not complaining.

In a way I’m kind of grateful for the reminder that any of life’s worthwhile endeavors take a lot of hard work and times where you have to dig deep down and see what your truly made of. It was really a spiritual experience to have that slammed home to me. Yet again. It should be obvious, but sometimes people…Okay, not people, maybe just me, forget.

I’m sure the humor and the "la-dee-da-ness" will creep back into me just as the color is returning to my face (actually, my face is quite flushed).

But today, the weights said to me "Hey Herm, you want to be ‘the man"? Pffft. You got 89 nine more days of this, let’s see what you’re made of, big shot."

I was humbled. But sometimes that is a good thing.

Cybergenics workout 2009

Thursday, March 12th, 2009

This is the diet and workout routine I used for my 7 week transformation this fall. It is the original Cybergenics program from 1990. I’ve bought the program over the years and they tweaked it and sometimes changed it outright. This is the original program. I can not take credit for one iota of this program. I lost the booklet many years ago, but have done it so many times I have it committed to memory.

Since it is committed to memory, it’s going to be a huge pain in the ass to outline it all here in detail.

I’m going to post it because a few people asked me to do so and I agreed that I would.

Or, to put it another way: He said he was going to do it…And he did it.

I achieved the results I got in 7 weeks because I followed the program to the letter, but to see the full effects one should do it for 9 weeks which is slightly over 60 days (63).

I’m not going to post it right this second, this is just a placeholder. I’m going to do it in increments.

You can follow my progress on my progress log as I’m starting this program on Monday.

MONDAY

On a squat rack or a smith machine, take a weight that is 80% of your one rep max [throughout the rest of this program whenever it says 80% that means between 4-6 reps.]

• Squat to failure, lower the weight slowly and bring it back up with quick explosive movements (This is VERY important)  then immediately [as fast as possible with a sense of urgency] strip off half the weight.

• Continue squatting, go to complete failure (slow downward, quick, explosive upward), then without  pausing, place your hands on the bar for leverage, go from squat position and leap as high as you can (plyometrics), continue to leap going back into the squat position, do this as many times as you can until you can not do another. Then, without a rest, still holding the bar, continue to do knee bends (weightless squats) to positive failure, once you have hit positive failure, use your arms to pull yourself up and continue to do bends to negative failure, once you’ve achieved negative failure, sit on floor and flex your quads as hard as you can for 30 seconds or as long as you can. You can stretch your quads a bit at this point but it is imperative that you go on to your next set of this as quickly as humanly possible.

(four sets)

Don’t waste much time. Go over to the section of your gym where the leg extension and hamstring curl machines are. Set the leg Extension machine to a weight of 80% max [this is the last time that I’m going to mention that that is between 4-6 reps].

• Do leg extensions at 80% to failure.

• Raise the pin roughly 1/3 higher (lighter) and continue to failure.

• Raise the pin 1/3 higher (lighter)  and continue to failure.

Before you begin these, make sure you have set the hamstring curl machine to a weight of 80% max in your current state.  As soon as you finish the leg extentions, bolt over to the hamstring curl machine.

• Hamstring curls at 80% of one rep max to failure

• Without resting drop 1/3 of the weight and continue to failure.

• Drop 1/3 of the weight and continue to failure.

Rest as briefly as possible between sets.

(two sets of these)

Go over to the standing calf press machine. Bring a light dumb bell with you I.E. a weight that you think you can hammer out roughly six reps after this triple drop set (forthcoming):

• Set the pin on the calf raise machine to a weight that is 80% of your one rep max and do calf raises to failure, it is vitally important that you pay attention to form and get a good contraction at the top of this movement and and good stretch at the bottom.

• Raise the pin 1/3 lighter and continue to failure

• Raise the pin 1/3 lighter and continue to failure

Without resting, grab the dumb bell, and do one-legged calf raises on the foot that you’re holding the dumb bell in to failure, use the other arm to hold the calf extension machine to stabilize yourself. Switch the dumb bell to the other hand and do one-legged extensions to failure.

Drop the dumb bell and switch back to the other leg doing no-weight dumb bell calf raises to failure, then back to the other leg again to failure.

Without resting, flex your calves as hard as you can for 30 seconds. I find the most intense way to do this is to stand leaning against a wall for support, getting on your tip-toes and flexing like crazy for 30 seconds, after 20 seconds of this I’m taking my fist and pounding the wall like a hammer. Stretch your calves after you’re finished. Rest as little between sets as possible.

(three sets)

Go over to the squat rack section of your gym. Load up the bar bell with a weight that is 80% of your max. It said this in the original booklet: “Don’t sell yourself short here. Go heavy, you’ll be surprised how much weight you can do for 4-6 reps.” Bring a set of dumb bells with you at a weight that is 60% of your max at this point–a weight you can manage 6-8 reps after doing the shoulder shrugs.  Have them sitting on either side of you behind the loaded bar bell. Behind that have an e-z curl bar loaded with a weight that you can manage 6 reps in the state you’re in (forthcoming).

• Do close grip (8 inches) shoulder shrugs with the bar bell to failure.

• Without resting, grab the dumb bells and do shoulder shrugs to failure.

• Without resting, grab the e-z curl bar and do close-grip upright standing rows to chin to failure. As quickly as possible, strip off half the weight.

• Do upright standing rows to failure.

(four sets)

Note: If you are a beginner or just need to build your strength, please, for yourself, don’t be “ashamed” to only use one ten pound plate on the e-z curl bar and drop it down to just using the bar without weights afterward.  You’ll soon be able to add more weights in the following weeks as you see your strength begin to explode. I promise you this will happen.

Next…

Go over to the roman chair. Grab a plate where you can bang out 4-6 reps 5, 10, 25 lbs, whatever. Hold the plate behind your head and bang out 4-6 touching your elbows to your knees to failure. Drop the weight and do a few more of these sit-ups with only your hands behind your head to failure. Then do a few more with your arms held out in front of you touching your hands to the pad where your feet are tucked in to failure.

Without rest. Lie on the floor and do straight-legged raises with your hands tucked under your butt (small range of movement, maybe 8 to 12 inches) to failure.

(three sets)

Workout over!

TUESDAY

Go over to a flat bench. Bring two sets of dumb bells with you, one a weight that’s 80% of your one rep max and one that’s 80% of your one weight max after your first set. A good rule of thumb is if the first set is 35’s have the other set be 20’s. If you start out with 50’s, have the other set be 35’s. You get the picture.

When you do flies, position your body so that your butt is off the front of the bench (I.E. It is lower to the ground than your back) this isolates your chest more, thus you will probably only be able to do less weight than you “usually” do for flies. Yes, of course, because you’re isolating your chest more making it difficult for your other body parts to help out. Lower weights with good form is better than higher weights with sh-tty form. I’m not going to repeat this because it is so stupefyingly obvious.

On the benched barbell put two 10 pound plates on either side. One ten pound plate on either side for a total of  65 pounds. Unless you are Ronnie Coleman, that is all the weight you will need to do between 6-8 reps after your first set, and definitely all the weight you will need from set 2-4. If it’s too light add more. But don’t say I didn’t warn you.

• Grab the heavier dumb bells and do flies to positive failure. Get a good stretch on your pecs at the bottom of this movement. This is VERY important. When you hit positive failure, to get the dumb bells back up to the top position, use a movement that you’d use as if you were doing  dumb bell presses. continue to negative failure, using slow controlled movement for negatives. This is going to be very painful. That is normal.

• Quickly. Grab the lighter set of dumb bells and without resting, do the same as above to positive and negative failure.

• Without resting grab the Barbell and start doing bench presses. Use this cadence. Very important. Lower the bar very slowly and then bring it back up with quick explosive movements. Do this to failure.

• Without resting, sit up on the bench and flex your pecs as hard as you can for 30 seconds. A little humor, but it’s the truth: You should be kind of gritting your teeth through the flex and shaking; looking like a dog taking a sh-t. But all kidding aside, don’t go easy on those last isometric chest flexes.

 (Four sets-as with everything else, as little rest as possible between sets - as always with this program–have the mindset that these four are all “one big set”)

Go over to an incline bench and set the back slightly lower than a 45 degree angle. Grab three sets of dumb bells. I go 65, 45, 30. So break it up similar to that, higher or lower depending on your strength. Triple drop sets of incline presses. Make sure you feel a nice stretch at the bottom of the movement. I like to start palms out and finish palms facing, but you can keep your palms facing forward if that’s what’s more comfortable for you.

(two sets)

We’ve hit chest and upper chest, now we’re going to hit lower outside chest. Go to the Gravitron.  Flip the bars so that they are further apart from each other. Close grip dips with body erect works triceps. Wide grip with body leaning forward works more lower chest. That’s what we’re doing. Wide grip leaning forward.

Your own weight or very little weight to start. Go to failure, lower the weight my 1/3 and go to failure, lower the weight by 1/3 and go to failure.

(Two sets)

You can take a brief rest now, and by that I don’t mean crash on your gym couch, if it has one, or go putter around the locker room. What I mean is just sort of mosey on over to the pulldown area and catch your breath a bit. As an aside to anyone that reads my blogs, there’s not going to be anything flippant or overtly humorous on this post–I just want to give you a heads up that this is serious business.

Go over to the pull-down machine (it’s not actually a machine, it’s the station where you lock your thighs underneath the pads and do seated pull-downs, you all know what it is). Select a weight that you can do between 4-6 reps of pulldowns to your chest. Try to have the bar touch between your clavacle and your nipple (not trying to be funny here). If you have to lean back slightly that’s okay, but try to keep that to a minimum.

Use strict form at first and go to failure. When you hit failure pump out one or two cheats using your body for momentum. This is an old Joe Weider technique. Use good form to failure then do a cheat or two in addition, that beats just doing good form to failure and stopping, which goes without saying. When you do this movement feel the bar stretch your lats as you rise to bar to its highest point. Also, take your chin and tuck it into your chest as you let the bar up, you’ll really feel the stretch in your lats.

When you bring the bar down, slowly raise your chin upwards, this will give you a better contraction. So to reiterate, as you raise the bar lower your chin, as you lower the bar, raise your chin. You can mimic this movement right now and you’ll feel what I mean. Try to do this, and all movements, with the classic 2 counts down and 4 counts up. The negatives on this exercise (and all others just to state the obvious) are very important. So here we go:

• Wide grip pull downs to the front at 80% to failure

• Without resting, lower the weight by 1/3 and hold the bar with your hands almost touching bring the bar, again, to the clavicle/nipple area. Remember about the chin for stretch and contraction. Do these to failure and either do a few cheats or Weider rest pauses I.E. let the pulldown bar rest at the top position a few seconds catch your breath, and pump out another one, two or three reps.

• Lower the weight by one third and with the same close grip do the above to failure.

(Six sets of these)

Go over to the seated pulley row station and choose the close grip attachment. Set it to a weight that is 80% of your one rep max. A few notes on form here. Don’t use your back to rock back and forth to help move the weights, I’m stating the obvious, but bear with me. Keep your lower back right above your ass arched and tight and suck in your stomach a bit, keep your shoulders squared. When you pull the weight back, aim for the center of your abdomin.  Hold it there for about a half a second, pretend that there is a walnut glued to the center of your back, in your mind, try to crush the walnut with both ends of your back while contracting your back.

This is important. when you let the weight go forward, do so in a slow controlled manner, two things to avoid here. Going to a full stop (letting your damn back get a rest. No no no.) and using momentum from extended position to bounce the weight back to you (also giving your back a rest). Let the weight back and pull it back towards you with your back muscles always in control. Here we go:

• Set the weight to 80% max of your on rep max and go to failure, pump out another one, two or three with cheats or rest/pause.

• Drop the weight by 1/3  and continue in the manner above.

• Drop the weight by 1/3 and continue in the manner above.

(five sets)

Workout over

WEDENSDAY

This shoulder routine, in my opinion, is the second most grueling body workout next to the dropset squat/plyo, isometric leg routine. Go over to a squat rack or a smith machine. I recommend a squat rack for two reasons: The free weight forces you to recruit more muscle fibers to stabilize the bar and it is easier to do cheats with after you’ve gone to positive failure from the standing position, as you can use your legs to force the weight up for the last few reps and let it down slowly to negative failure. If you do this on the smith, do it from a seated position.
I go to the squat rack and load 4 ten pound plates on either side, go to failure: positive and negative. Drop ten from either side and again go to positive and negative failure. Then drop two tens again before going to positive and negative failure before doing the laterals which I will get to.

When I first did this routine and was weak and out of shape, I loaded two tens on either side and wound up the last of the drop set with a bar with no weight on it. Do whatever is effective for you. Your strength will go up big time as the weeks pass, I promise.

Okay, so the bar is loaded with a weight you can do maybe 4-6 reps. You bring two sets of dumb bells with you to your area. One set that you can do 6 reps with IN THE STATE YOU ARE IN AFTER DOING THE TRIPLE DROP SET and another half that weight. I use a 30 and a 15 and after two sets drop down to a 20 and a 12. You too will need to drop the weights on the bar bells and the dumb bells after two or three sets as you will obviously get weaker and fatigued, but you still need to get your reps in.

So here it goes:

• Go to the squat rack that is loaded with your 80% max and go to positive failure with front military presses. When you hit positive failure use your legs to cheat the weight up for a few reps and SLOWLY go to negative failure. Yes, this hurts a lot.

• Drop off plates from either side as quickly as you can and once again go to positive and negative failure.

• Drop off the plates from either side and once again go to positive and negative failure.

• Without resting, pick up the heavier of the dumb bells and do lateral raises to failure. When you fail, bang out a rep or two or three of cheats.

• Drop the dumb bells and grab the lighter pair as quickly as possible. Do lateral raises to failure and then bang out a cheat or two.

Note on form: When you do lateral raises you see guys in the gym bring the weights in front of them at the bottom of the movement so that they’re touching or almost touching. No good. When you bring dumb bells down during lateral raises the distance should be no less thsn about eight inches higher than your hips. Having the dumb bells go all the way to the bottom in front of you gives your delts a rest. We want a consistant burn. Again, when you bring the dumb bells down while doing lateral raises, the lowest they should go is about eight inches before they are at your hips. This keeps a constant strain (I.E. a constant burn) on your delts. You’ll need to use a lighter weight and be able to do less reps. Why? Because you’re keeping constant tension on your delts and not letting them “rest at the bottom”. After you’ve gone to failure, THEN you can do a few reps with the dumb bells going all the way down in front of you–making it obviously easier to do, you can even use your body to swing them up a bit, but ONLY after you can’t do any more with strict form.

Another note on form that advanced people already know. At the top of the lateral raise turn your hands so that you’re raising your pinkie end of your hand higher then your front knuckle. To put it simply, like you’re pouring a pitcher of beer at the top. Pour that pitcher.

(5 sets of these with as little rest between sets as possible)

Note: This is very grueling, so if you feel like you’re going to die that’s okay. I’m not trying to be flippant or kidding around here with that comment. This is tough stuff. This is why my shoulders are probably my best body part.

Remember also, to lower the weights on the bar bell that you’re beginning with as you go along, you’re going to get weaker after two or three of these. That’s normal and the way that this thing works. Really, don’t be concerned about how much you’re lifting, just get the job done and get your reps in. It gets a little easier after this, but not too much.

Time to work biceps.

Go over to the preacher curl. You can slap 3 tens on each side, or if you need to build up your strength 2 tens on each side and finish with the bar with no weights, again, this is not power lifting, it’s about building lean muscle and cutting.

Choose whichever grip is most comfortable for you. Narrower grip works the outside biceps more, wider works inside more. I prefer the narrower grip because that’s what people see when you’re wearing a tee shirt. If you’re a front double biceps pose kind of guy choose a wider grip. It doesn’t matter much. Your call.

• Sit down at the preacher curl and do 4-6 reps to failure. Use rest/pause technique here. When you hit failure, rest a few seconds at the bottom and pump out another one or two.

• Strip off two plates from each side and do another set failure. This is one exercise that a spotter would really help, incidentally, for obvious reasons.

• Strip off another two plates and curl to failure. Use rest pause technique.

• When you’re finished the last set flex your biceps and keeps squeezing them for 30 seconds or longer if you can stand it.

(three sets of these)

Go over to any kind of standard flat bench. Bring 3 dumb bells with you. For me, I go 50, 35, 25. So break it down in a similar manner with higher or lower weights. We’re going to do triple drop set concentration curls. Line up the Dumb bells so that you can grab one right after you finish with the other as quickly as possible.

• Concentration curl to failure with heaviest weight, turn that pinky up and squeeze at the top and lower slowly.

• Grab the next weight down and go to failure

• Grab the next weight down and go to failure.

(Hit each arm twice for a total of four sets.)

Biceps workout over. Time for triceps.

Bring an E-Z curl bar over to a flat bench. Ideally, if your gym has E-Z curl bars with fixed weights bring 2 E-Z curls bars, one which you can do 6-8 skull crushers and another that’s slightly more than half that weight. If not, just use a regular E-Z curl bar and strip off the weight. The advantage of having pre-fixed E-Z curl bars is that you don’t have to lose precious time sliding off the weights between drop sets.

• Grab the heavier of the two and do skull crushers to failure. When you hit positive failure use a pressing movement to get the weight back up and continue to negative failure. Once you’ve achieved negative failure press the bar straight up and CAREFULLY slide your hands together and continue to use the E-Z curl bar for close grip presses to failure. When you hit failure, rest the bar on your chest and catch a few breaths and do a few more cheat reps.

• As quickly as possible grab the lighter bar, or strip off two plates and repeat the above.

(Four sets of these with as little rest between sets as possible)

Go over to the station that has the triceps pulldown bar. Connect the little attachment that looks like a little “V”. Put the pin on a weight that you can only do 2 or 3 reps. Do the two or three reps to failure, then cheat the weights down using your whole body and raise slowly to negative failure.  Adjust the pin so that the load is 1/3 lighter and repeat. Adjust the pin so the weight is 1/3 lighter and repeat again.

(Two sets with as little rest as possible between sets)

Workout over

DIET

• Find out how many calories it takes to maintain your ideal weight. From Monday through Wednesday, you are going to consume that many calories.
From Thursday through Sunday you inject double the amount of calories it takes to maintain your body weight.
• From Monday through Wednesday you are to keep your carb consumption under 25 grams.
• You are not allowed to have any dairy or simple carbs on Cybergenics. No skim milk, cottage cheese. No diary means no diary.

No simple carbs includes all bread that isn’t whole grain (preferably no bread at all is best), No pasta except for Barilla plus Thursdays through Sunday.

with a zero fat tomato sauce. The best tomato sauce Is Colvita healthy sauce, that’s what it is and it tastes better than any tomato sauce out of a jar that I’ve ever tasted, and I’ve tasted them all. Only Raos tastes better and it has no fat. You can go with Raos but it’s 8 dollars a jar and not fortified with all the good stuff in Colavita. So just go with the colavita:
Link: http://www.gourmetfoodexpress.com/colavita_healthy_sauce.htm Stock up on this stuff, it’s great over skinless chicken breast too.
Good sources of complex carbs include: brown rice, wild rice, sweet potatos, quinoa, oatmeal (NOT instant–Google groats, which is whole grain oatmeal and get that) All vegetables.

So to recap, Monday through Wednesday, go all protien and under 25 grams of carbs. You will be a little weak on Wedensday and Thursday morning workouts from lack of carbs. Your body is in ketosis and is now burning fat for energy. Just gut your way through till Thurdays workout is over and then have a nice big bowl of Groats (The best form of oatmeal, with a ton of blueberris in there. Groatmeal with blueberries is probably the healthiest all around things you can eat period, carbwise. Grapefruit is also excellent with your Thursday through Sunday breakfasts–fat burning properties and tastes great. Graotmeal and blueberries and an eggwhite omlette on the side.  Perfection. Red rasberries and Strawberries are almost as good, not as high in anti-oxidants as blueberries.

There’s also applegate farms nitrate-free turkey bacon–zero grams of saturated fat. Nice.

Applegate farms also makes a saturated fat free no nitrate ham that you can slice up and sautee and then put in your omlette.

Most of the turkey sausage out there is high in fat because they put the skin in there with the turkey. Avoid.

…To be continued…

…And don’t let me out.

Thursday, March 12th, 2009

Young Hermkenstein

This coming Monday I’m starting my Cybergenics program.

I’ve been running my big f–king mouth about how awesome I’m going to look on May 15th.

Now, I feel like Gene wilder in this scene from Young Frankenstein.

There are gonna’ be days where the pain will be unbearably agonizing, where I will moan and groan and feel like I can’t see this thing through to completion, where I sound like a bitch in desperate need of a bitch slap.

But no matter how much I scream, no matter how lame and piteous my cries for mercy are, I have locked myself into this position by flapping my gums. The key is no where to be found.

There is no way out at this point except to see this through and stand before all y’all as an awesome specimen, or in my case spec-HERMan.

On Monday Morning, I’m goin’ in.

Therefore, never send to know for whom the bells tolls, Herm, they toll for thee.

Ding f–king dong, baby.

No nude photos, please!

Tuesday, March 10th, 2009

I can see this chugging at me like a friggin’ locomotive, and, as they say in those old westerns, I’m going to "Head this off at the past." In the last few months I’ve received thousands of nasty (…and not so nasty I.E. "Excuse me, kind sir, But could I trouble you for an image of you with your ding-a-ling, however small, in clear view? Thank you ever so much.") requests for nude pictures of myself. I will be buff in pictures, but there will be no pictures of me "in the buff".

I don’t know whether to be embarrassed, angry, hurt or any combination thereof by all this. I want to make it crystal clear right now that there never were, aren’t and never will be naked pictures of me in cyberspace or anywhere else.

I like to keep my privates private, that’s why they’re called privates. And if you saw how small they were, and there were a rank lower than "private" they would be called that.

I absolutely, positively will not circulate any naked pictures of myself on the internet. Period. No monetary offer could compensate me to compromise myself in such a manner, nor will any amount of begging, pleading, cajoling and/or threatened suicide attempts sway me to do so. No means no.

I now officially consider the matter closed.

Finito. Done. Gonesville.

However…

If you’re really, really interested in seeing me naked here’s what to do:

Please send a sealed, stamped self-addressed envolope with check or money order for $35.99, which includes shipping and handling to:

Herm Shows His Worm
P,O. Box 67543
Grand Central Station
New York, New York 10007

For a measly $35.99  you get all this:

A 3 DVD box set which includes:

Herms Gone Wild. A wacky compilation of me running around Fort Lauderdale, naked and binge drinking with people half my age. The shot of me naked, passed out in my own vomit, eyes rolled up in my head, being taken away by the EM squad for alcohol poisoning is sure to be a cinamatic moment that you and your loved ones can chersih for years to come.

Hermie Does Dallas. Here I am in the eponymous city, wearing nothing but a cowboy hat, cowboy boots, and a sheriff’s badge through my freshly pierced nipple, having a rip-roaring good time with the locals. You’ll squeal with delight when I tell them that I am a Jew and they beat me to a pulp, tie me to a cactus with duck tape and leave me for dead in hopes that the armadillos will eat my "New York Jew" ass. Get out your handkerchiefs

* That’s Hermatainment.  All the MGM classics re-enacted my a naked yours truly. I don a wig and do the old Judy Garland number "Clang, clang , clang went the trolley" substituting the lyrics "Wang, wang, wang, it’s my Wally".  Rejoice, as I sit in front of the piano, naked, crooning "I’m dreaming of a white Hannakuh." while Bing Crosby spins angrily in his grave. And when my bitch, Ian and I do our little Fred Astaire/Ginger Rogers thing, with me wearing nothing but a top hat and white gloves and Ian wearing only glittering high heels, it will dazzle the senses and bring a tear of joy to your eyes.

But that’s not all!

If you act now, we’ll also throw in a personally autographed naked 8 x10 Glossy of me, Herm The Worm, which reads: May all your Hermies be Wormies oooxxxxooo, Herm. This picture is suitable for framing and would make a wonderful addition the any family room or den.

But wait, that’s not all!

We’ll also include 12 calender-themed nudes of Herm. Herm naked except for a pilgram hat as November’s photo! Herm naked for the fourth of July, wearing an uncle Sam hat and holding up 2 sparklers–and who’s that in the background? Yes! It’s Ian Bernardo with a lit roman candle sticking out of his tush! Your friends will all crowd around in envy when you show them the shot of me naked except for a little red Rudolph nose and antlers, hitched up to a sleigh while being brutally whipped by a semi-naked 350 pound bulldyke dressed as Santa.

All wallet-sized, so you can carry me around with you wherever you go! Oh joy!

This is a limited time offer, so act now!

First “How ya’ doin’ big guy” and now this.

Monday, March 9th, 2009

It was my understanding that on Saturday night everyone was supposed to set their clock ahead one hour, so you could imagine my surprise when I went to my corner gym and found out that what really happened Saturday night was that everyone was told to act like a bigger @sshole around Herm than usual; and that, my friends, takes a lot of doing.

Oh goodness mios, there were towels and water bottles left on benches, guys unable to wait 20 seconds for me to finish a set in order for them to rack their weights 3 inches in front of me with a loud clang (As loud a clang as a pathetic 20 pound dumb bell can make), 4′ 11" 75 pound women, not wanting to budge an inch when yours truly needed to walk from point A to point B–I guess it’s that old east village "I am woman hear me roar" thing, more power to you. I bet most of them cry themselves to sleep at night (and rightfully so), alone in their shitty low thread-count-sheeted beds, with only their little east village rat-dogs as company. Yeah, keep roarin’, baby. Get even with me for your sh-tty life. Good work.

So, needless to say, but I said it anyway, because this is my blog and I can say whatever the f–k I want; I was in an even angrier state than my usual controlled rage in the gym.

I even got a mild sprain in my elbow while doing skull crushers because of my anger. I upped my weight higher than I had ever gone (110 pounds, baby) and was feeling a little pain–not the good kind of muscle burn pain, but the bad kind of injury pain–in my elbow. I was like that guy in my blog entry who punched himself in the face and got mad at himself for being dizzy, so he punched himself in the face again for being dizzy. It hurt, but I kept on going just to spite myself. I get that way sometimes.

I finished my triceps and triceps only workout and stormed out of the gym. I always storm out of the gym. I never cool-down or go to the locker room. I don’t have to. I live up the block so I come and go in my gym clothes. Besides, me taking off my shirt and standing in the vicinity of a mirror next to your typical Manhattan east village 20 something would constitute cruel and unusual punishment for them, and probably discourage them from ever working out again. They might even break down and cry which would force me to have to give them a big hug and pat them on the back and say "There, there, big boys don’t cry." and doing that to another shirtless guy is a bit to Ianesque for me, so I avoid the locker room altogether.

So I head down the street to the grocery store, all angry and sh-t,  to pick up dinner, and as I’m walking down the street this typical east village guy (Are you starting to get the picture that I despise most of the people in my neighborhood by now, Einstien? Why I don’t move is a story for another blog–but has something to do with the fact that I spent more than the GNP of most third world countries to renovate my place and it’s the best apartment in the world and I’m never ever leaving. Ever, goddammit!…DON’T MAKE ME START TYPING IN ALL CAPS DAMMIT!!!!!!…

Ahem. Deep breath. I’m okay now.

So, I’m walking down the street and this typical east village guy is bugging his eyes at me. Okay, no big deal. As he gets closer he continues to bug his eyes at me. Hmmm. Okay, yet another f–king weirdo, so what else is new? As he passes me he continues to still bug his goddamn eyes at me as if I had said something horrible about his mother (I’m sure the worst thing she ever did was give birth to him, which in and of itself is pretty horrible).

Fine. No problemo.

I glance over my shoulder and he’s sort of walking backwards, still bugging his goddamn f–king eyes at me.

As Popeye would say "I’ve had all I can stands, and I can’t stands no more."

I pull off my ipod headphones and say "You got a f–king problem?"

And then, in the most high-pitched, gayest voice I’ve ever heard, a voice that was so high-pitched as to be barely audible, a voice that would make Ian Bernardo sound like a friggin’ baritone, I hear "Why don’t you pick on somebody your own size! You big…" It trailed off as I turned my head and started walking towards the grocery store, realizing now that he must have been "checking me out" as I looked so damn irresistible in my heather gray sweatpants with a drooping crotch like a baby diaper, sweaty heather gray sweatshirt with a tee shirt hanging out from underneath a la Oscar Madison and a disgusting smelly lice-ridden baseball cap.

But the point is: "Pick on somebody your own size!"

To me. Me!

This guy (or whatever the f–k it was) was about average size, five ten-ish 170 pounds-ish and he said to me "Pick on somebody your own size." Holy guacamole! I’m a big bruiser now? It’s like sometimes I say to myself "I’m 47 years old now?" How the hell did that happen? I’m going to be 50 in a couple of years? 50? I’m still a kid, this isn’t me, how did this all of a sudden happen to me?

It was like that. But not a negative. Just a bit of a shock.

I guess, at 5′ 10" 200 pounds, I’m not an average size guy anymore. Wham. Just like that.

I related that story to my door man on the way home in the lobby. He chuckled and repeated to me "Ha ha, pick on somebody your own size." I put down my groceries and did a double biceps pose and with a fake deep voice bellowed "Nobody is my size!"

Postscript: Bugged-eyed guy, if you’re reading this, I wasn’t trying to pick on you. It just didn’t occur to my that anyone could be "checking out" a sweaty, smelly, unshaven Worm. I’m sorry for the misunderstanding. If I ever see you again, I’ll invite you up to my place and we can paint each others toe nails and listen to show tunes. Okay?

The way to get me to kill you.

Saturday, March 7th, 2009

Give me a compliment and follow it up with "…For your age."

Almost as bad is "…For a Jewish guy."

But…If you really, truly have a death wish, and want me to kill you in the slowest, most painful way imaginable, finish a compliment with the double whammy of "…For an old Jewish guy."

The horror! the horror!

(…Or what Marlon Brando would have said if has was a Jew: The hora! The hora!)



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