HappySnowBunny’s BodyBlog

It’s been one weird week. Not in a good way either. Dealing with the mental aftermath now…wont get into it. Trust me. I’m doing it for you.

 The nutrition aspect is making much more sense, so I can relax and breathe a little in regards to that…and work on advances with the workouts.  I’m trying not to freak out about the slight rise in the scale. I did expect it since I’m upping calories after a lifetime of restricting. I don’t like it, but I expect it. *sigh*  

 Anyway, I’m thinking of putting up a few more pics so you can maybe get to know who I am. I have this great little home gym I would love to show off. It’s probably my favorite room in the whole house. I’ll miss that room when we move…however I’m already planning the new one. So there. 

Gonna do a lot of thinking today and try not to feel so bad about myself. I’m really beating myself up a lot. That’s making me a miserable person inside. Probably outside, too. *shrug* Maybe I’ll beat the crap out of that part of me when I hit the gym.

What a completely craptastic day. I’ve been in a mood since sunday, but geez…..

I’ve been trying to sort through some stuff and figure out what I need to do to get the results without falling back on my ass because it is important I don’t do that. I can’t. I have a daughter that does not ever need to know the secrets of starvation. I will not see her messed up like that.

 But it’s wearing on me….the whole thing. I am having trouble with diet….I’m feeling like I’m stumbling and no one is around to help me find balance. Sometimes I’ll be sitting here and I’ll just think….horrible, negative things…so bad that I’ll shake my head fast to get rid of them. It sucks.

I didn’t work out today. My choice. It seems to be a pattern that tuesdays become a rest day. I don’t know why, but they do. So, I’m not going to fret about it. I used to freak every time I missed a workout… I’m learning.

I did document my diet today, down to every tiny detail. It was 1100 cals. That’s not a lot. So why am I stuck??

*sigh*

on a happier note, it’s snowing. Not a lot, and it’s nighttime so I can’t watch it as easily, but hey…snow is snow.

Redoing my page entirely. I haven’t done measurements recently so I’ll do that tonight…and will pull out my papers and get the lifting stats up….or not, since there’s no change yet and that might not show up. Anyway…it’s a work in progress, like me! So keep checking because I’ll be working on it more when I can. New pics though! Nothing near impressive, but just some fun in my gym today.

I need to reload the progress pics I have so far. Not that great a change…yet.  Also I need to document my workout plan. More importantly, I need to keep careful documentation of my nutrition plan. That’s where I’m screwing up the most. I have a decent musclature under all this…and I know for fact that 1) i’m not eating optimally, and 2) i have no clear idea HOW….it’s all still too vague. Yes, I’m learning but I’m still confused.

 Working on it. Working working working.

So, it’s a start. Enjoy!

I stupidly tried to journal but I felt like I was talking to myself. At least this way is nice and quiet and personal. So I’ll be tracking here so I can see my progress somehow. It matters to me. 

 Today is shoulders and arms, and I’m going to go for a really long cardio session instead of intense. I need to push myself like that.

….and by that, I mean me. Thanks to the generosity of my loving family I now have the cold that I’ve been nursing them through for the past 2 weeks. Several sleepless nights….running all around getting this and that…blah blah blah…and now I’m sick. I’m sitting here with my still unwell daughter…alone…while everyone else (who are on the mend!!) sleeps in. Yes, this is my life.

Needless to say, I’m in a grumpy mood right now. I’ll take a very long time working out lightly later. Skipped 2 days already.

I know I said I’d put the w/o stats….I didn’t get that chance yet. I’ll grab the clipboard in a bit and put everything down. Also, I think I’m just gonna bite the bullet and make my little chart thingies. Total transformation, here, folks! With a great big T! 

Ooh, I know…just for this, I’m making hubby go rent me a couple of scary movies to watch while I sweat this cold away. Ohh yeah…

I’ve been looking for my dedication. Anyone see it anywhere? It’s shiny, a hint of pearl pink…or perhaps red, and it used to be pretty massive. Might be a bit smaller now. I really need it back, so if you see it, drop it off here, willya? Thanks.

So, the before, and current pics are up. If your eyes explode, don’t blame me. I warned you.

I have measurements ready….but those will wait. No, really, they can wait. I put my weight at start, and current out there. That’s as brave as I can be right now. Hmph. I’m going to TRY to keep track of my typical menu but I am truly awful about that. I know it’ll be helpful to post it and see if I can spot trouble..but being tethered to keeping a log just bores me to no end. I shall, though. I’m that giving.

I work out at home (since we’re house poor at the moment..*whine*…and i have satan’s spawn to take care of all day every day…), so my equipment is limited.

What I have:

freeweights from 1 lb to 25 lbs (the pink 1’s are for the kidlet. she likes to pretend she’s bad*ss)

pullup tower (my 14 yr old is GREAT at pullups. me, not so much. it’s a goal, but i dont see reaching it anytime soon. i suck)

treadclimber

theraband (extra strngth. i’m flexy…they’re great for stretching, and keeping my feet strong)

a tubey thing with handles. (it’s yellow…i think that might be medium resistance. i forget).

I think I do pretty well with what I have…for now…the gym options here suck. When we move back to Houston I have loads of options, and a grandmother who wants very much to spoil babysit while I have ‘me time’. We have every intention of getting a good weight bench in the future, but I want to wait til after the move so that’s less i have to pay someone to transport. Yeah, we’re cheap that way.

I’ll be back with today’s workout documented since I can’t for the life of me remember exactly what I did. I’m sure it’ll sound wimpy compared to some….and probably it is.

It’s upper body today, followed by cardio (because i’m fat, ok! I’m fat and need to work that off! besides i LIKE cardio. it makes me sweaty and happy. so there.  *evil, drunk on power kind of grin*

Oh, and legs and abs were day before yesterday, and with no plan given to me by some video..or anything written out, I made myself so sore that I walk like an old lady today. go me!!! I worked them glutes to failure! Woohoo!

Ok, maybe not ‘woohoo’, but I am pretty darn proud of myself. I’m learning! I’m going to make it work because it’s all me, baby! No hand holding. No net. No brakes!

back later with today’s stats….watch this space…or maybe that one over there.

Massive, scary storms came through last night. Tornado touched down too damn close by. I got very little sleep…less than 4 hrs. We’re ok, but a lot of people aren’t. My heart is heavy for the ones who lost someone they loved last night…for the ones who lost their homes…it’s terribly sad.

Makes my tired whining seem very petty indeed. One thing I learned from my mom’s death, though, was that life does go on. Always. No matter what, the sun comes up each day, and sets each evening. Time passes. Life…is. It seems heartless and cruel, but it’s actually the strongest part of healing…the normalcy that continues despite our cries and bleating. It’s a painful comfort to see life continue bustling by, and even though you want to scream "DONT YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT HAS HAPPENED?! DONT YOU UNDERSTAND THE PAIN?!" you learn to understand that the people going about their lives unaffected are just that. Unaffected by the deep, soul shaking pain. For now.

I don’t know where this is going. I truly don’t. Sleep deprivation, and the adrenaline crash have me rambling and senseless.

Completely unrelated to sadness and storms….I had a pretty good workout yesterday. I focused on legs, and didn’t follow a video, or a program. I made it up all on my own. That alone made me feel proud and constructive. It was enough to make me sore today. Could be more sore, but I *am* just getting it in gear. I noted my program so I can start to use the graphs and whathaveyous here, and will definitely be open to suggestions if someone wanted to offer some.

 Got some before pics in the gallery. Can’t put them as ‘progress’ yet, as I don’t have any progress at the moment. I have my measurements, but they’re really un-pretty. I’m hesitant to put them up…I know I have to. I know I should. But I feel so gross and ugly..and those horrid numbers just…ugh.

Oh well, I’ll suck it up anyway…just later.

I wonder if I’ll have any energy at all for some w/o time today…or if I should just call it a wash and take lots of naps as I can today instead. 

Anyway, anyone caught in those horrible storms last night, I hope you and yours are well.

I am in the process of getting photos (eep), stats and my workout plan documented so I can complete this page.  It’s not pretty. It’s not. But I’m going to be FABULOUS eventually.

I’m  still confused about a number of things…what to do when I work upper body….how many types of this and that…what to eat…but little by little it becomes clearer….less disorganized. I’m reading a lot of threads about it, trying to sort it out (i dont like to outright ask because the information is there. i just have to look for it. you know?) I’m working on making eating something not to be feared, but rather something that fuels me. If I get a craving for something crap, I am better able to resist it because it’s useless, or empty fuel. (yeah, i still love me some cookies, but oatmeal cinnamon cookies are a LOT better than choccy chip…right? RIGHT??!)

 One thing I have noticed with great consistancy is the folks who really make a difference…the ones that stand out and seem to be quite successful with their fitness and sense of self, even….are the ones with this amazing enthusiasm!! They have this incredible joy an excitement. It shows in what they say, how they live, their smile…everything. I want that! Where do I get it? Do I go to the store and look on aisle 4 or what?  Seriously though…I want that kind of joy. I want to take a picture of myself and see me smiling effortlessly. Not pick apart all the bad stuff I see in me. Just to be happy and have proof of it…if that makes sense.

So I guess there’s the hope that when I get the courage to put myself out there in the stark, ugly truth that I will free myself somehow…that then I can truly open up and reach for the brass barbell.

 …or maybe i’ll chicken out and take a nap.   (i’m KIDDING!!!!).

So last night we celebrated a little bit (too much). It’s been a very rough couple of weeks and lots of changes are upcoming. Despite advice to the contrary(re: the suggestion to wait to make lifestyle changes while in a major life change), I am using this opportunity to find my peace by doing what’s best for my health and my body.  Given that we have been through quite a storm, and came through it, we celebrated.

Holy hangover from hell, batman! Never have I felt so yukky! I’m still so tired and sluggish. Not a pretty sight, I am sure. Needless to say there was no working out today. That’s my own fault. I did take the time to read a number of blogs, and even more posts and I feel like I can see the track again. 

 I posted one blog, intending to keep it going, and I didn’t. I tried to find places to post, and couldn’t because I’m a before…without realizing that I do have a voice there if I allow myself to open up. I had planned to put photos up…start my transformation log. I didn’t do that either. Why? I don’t know.

 But I’m not going to waste another moment! (ok, yes, I’m going to bed early tonight…so the fine tuning will be tomorrow. that’s not wasting a moment! i’m using my time wisely. heh heh).

Watch this space for more fun and excitement snowbunny style!  (is that as lame as it sounded in my head? yeah i thought so….*shrug*)

Well, to say I feel lost is an understatement. To say I feel waaaaay out of my league here is…also an understatement (because I can’t think of another word at the moment). I don’t know where to start figuring it all out. I don’t even know what to ask yet. For now I’m reading when I can, and I guess somewhere in it all I’ll find a way…and look back at this post and laugh a little….and maybe not at myself. Maybe.

 Slowly working on upping my calories and not freak out about it. Trying to keep it clean. Trying to make a plan so I have something to follow (wow…i’m not usually a follower. haha).  

 Need to make a good workout plan, too. Well, a better one, anyway. I guess I should get the courage to post some pics and just ask for some advice…but that is terrifying. I wasn’t always like this. I was skinny. Terribly, painfully skinny at one point. I screwed myself up so bad. Good going.

  But it’s a new time…and I’m going to get it together so I can feel something other than what I feel now. I admire the enthusiasm I see in other people around this site, and I want to find a way to have even a spark of that. It’s pretty incredible.