Foxymoron’s BodyBlog

In addition to being THE cable monkey in my unit, I’m also the mail clerk de facto. I was dragging ass after lunch so I decided to get up and move it before it conjoined my chair. I never get mail unless a shipment I ordered comes in. Today was no different except…

 my supplements came in! Hooray, hooray, hooray!

What did I buy? I dunno… I forgot. Lemme check. Be right back.

 Hmmm… I got a big hunky bottle of CLA, a big bottle of Acai Juice, 2 bottles of Scorch, 2 bottles of R-ALA, a teeny bottle of Chromium Picolinate and a set of body fat calipers and measuring tape.

It’s like freaking CHRISTMAS! Goodies for me. I love it. I love it! Now I gotta go try them out. Too bad I don’t have a new Tonka truck to play with too. Oooh! Or the new Cannondale bike they have on sale at the post exchange. $799? I think I’ll wait for my bonus check to come in. Anyway…

It’s quitting time so I have to go change clothes and get ready to conquer the world.

By the way, I quit smoking this past weekend and I haven’t really backslid. I was feening for a square this morning but I’m over it. I chugged a bucket of water instead; nearly drowned myself.

Oh! And today is my 5th anniversary of military service. All I got from the Detachment Commander was a work order. It wasn’t even gift wrapped… bastard

I ran into a nice infantry sergeant at lunch today. Dude is so handsome he made my knees buckle when he smiled. Looked like George Clooney! I think I have a date to see the new Bourne Ultimatum movie on Friday. He’d better call me.

Now I’m particularly inspired to literally work my ass off.

 Peace,

Foxy Moron

My barracks room is a total disaster area. I’ll spare you the gory story of how it came to be but between TDYs, shorted leave, impromptu traveling and impending training, I’m only here when I’m unpacking or packing. Procrastination is not an option at this point, it’s a dire necessity.
I had to find some important documents for a trip I’m taking on Saturday. After pulling out all the file boxes from storage and rummaging through them, I found an old test result from a body fat analysis conducted on me from a year ago.

Basically, the specialist concluded that I am, indeed, a freak of nature. My weight was 220 but my body fat percentage was 31.6%. A healthy weight according to his calculations would have put me at 199.0 lbs and no less than 186.7 lbs minimum.

Since then, I’ve gotten down to 192.5 lbs but recently gained 20 lbs. I’m on the downward track now at 208 lbs.

It just strikes me as odd that I’ve been trying to conform to an ideal that will require me to lose nearly 90 lbs of muscle and fat in order to achieve.

I don’t know what is going on with me today but whatever it is has been going on for a few weeks. I haven’t done anything but eat and eat and eat.

My job is stressful as hell and the situation is becoming so ridiculous it’s almost enough to make me cry or laugh my ass off. It’s possible, highly probable, that I’ll be going back to Iraq once I leave South Korea. I’m doing a 3 year tour here. But that’s not why I’m inhaling my refrigerator. My cheating husband is an assh0le of colossal proportions and my divorce should have been settled months ago. If he wants to go, he’s welcome to find his happiness elsewhere. I’m beyond apathy at this point. But that’s not it either. I’m surrounded by 10,000 young men- fit to fight. The ratio of men to women here is roughly 25 to one. If I wanted a boy-toy I could have my choice of youthful perfection. Contrary to popular belief, I am so disinterested.

In my heart of hearts, I know that "this too shall pass." If I just keep trucking along with my faith and persistence all these trivial things will be behind me. I’ll survive anything that comes my way. I will always survive.

I can catalog all of my professional and athletic achievements. I served with Special Forces and the Rangers. I was a union carpenter for 10 years before I enlisted in the Army. I had my brown belt in martial arts when I was a junior in high school. I should be so proud of myself but I am not. It’s all so stupid. It’s utterly, completely ridiculous and meaningless.

I can’t seem to make this excess weight disappear. It should be so easy but I can’t see my way out. I can’t see my goal. It was there, within my grasp, just a few short weeks ago. Now, I can’t stop eating. I had deep ridges in my abdomen. I had the final handful of fat on my butt to get rid of. My thighs were tightening up and shrinking. Muscle lines were showing on every part of my body. I’m not a vain person by nature but I literally worked my ass off and I was making real, genuine progress.

I don’t know happened. I can’t recall when I lost track. I wish I could blame my menstrual cycle. "It’s just water weight. It’s just hormones. Maybe I’m peri-menopausal." Good grief! I don’t know what triggered this horrible self destruction but it’s got to stop. I have too much at risk. I have to drop at least 7% body fat right away!

My promotion is at risk. My career is literally on the line and I can’t stop binging. This is not like me. I’ve done things that most people will never understand. I’ve seen things that I wish I hadn’t. I’ve accomplished what others thought was impossible. Why can’t I drop this f_cking weight?

I feel like I’m blinded, like I’m wearing false cataracts. The answers are right in front of me. I’m reaching out, waving my hands, seeking the one key ingredient that will snap me back into reality. All I feel is a fat gut and cheesy thighs. I feel the love handle that will flush my entire career and self-worth down the toilet.

God, I hate being fat.

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