FitNisJnky’s BodyBlog

It’s almost shocking what a difference four days can make. Four days ago, I was riding so high on that nice fat wave of motivation. Since Thanksgiving, I’ve been a jumbled mess of frayed nerves with fingernails chewed to the nub. Not only is it just before my TOM, but so much is going on in my life. Its this week before that I normally anticipate the edginess. It’s normal for my little world to have a little rain cloud hanging over it for a few days, right around now. Then, poof, it just goes away. But the number of events that carried out throughout Thanksgiving and after were apparently too much for my lofty diet / exercise goals to handle. I’ve landed myself back into this dark little pit of overeating, lack of discipline, and just no motivation whatsoever. Coupled with the growing stormy clouds, it’s just been a little too much for me to bear.
It’s hard enough to deal with family dramas, but add your own dramas to the pile and it’s a recipe for disaster. What’s really on the forefront of my mind right now, is just getting through tomorrow. My husband is going into knee surgery and I am a complete mess about it. He’s cool as a cucumber, and I’m the one freaking out about it. Stupid, I know…It should be a relatively easy procedure, in/out. He’s torn his ACL, and meniscus. Being a rather active family, this downtime is really hard to contemplate. We both work out daily, and lead very busy lives. (well, I haven’t worked out at all since last Wed….) He’s extremely athletic and should make a speedy recovery. At least, that is what I am praying for..The child in the house, (13 yr. old) step son is very understanding, and cooperative, THUS far. It’s handling the stresses, the responsibilities and the daily stuff that I am a little worried about. Not that I can’t. But it’s so much easier to do it as a team. That and the lovely case of food poisoning hubby dealt with last night has had me in shambles. What’s with us and food? All from a stupid grilled fish taco that I refused to eat. Now, I realize that it was probably contaminated when I bought it. I left it in the fridge, thinking I’d eat it later and hubby gobbled it up. I don’t know why but looking at it made me nauseated. Must’ve been the diet Gods looking out for me or something..I so wish it were me dealing with the pain and not him. I hate seeing him suffer. I absolutely detest it. I promised myself that we would cook at home every night this week. (or rather, I will cook while he is recovering) This will give me a good chance to get back on track with my food logging, and planning. As for working out..Well, I may need to dust off my set of "at home" weights this week. I will run tomorrow morning, because I need it. I noticed that I am not sleeping very well at all. I know its because of the overeating and lack of exercise. I don’t like how I feel AT ALL.
I know once I get back into the groove of things, I will feel much better. I just feel like the wheels fell off my wagon. Christmas should be much more pleasant. As far as I can tell, we’ll be spending it at home. At least that is the story "for now." Some issues with my in-laws are not making life easy right now. I know they’re adults, but sometimes they don’t realize how their actions impact everyone else’s lives.
I need to run. Have some other stuff to take care of before tomorrow morning.

So, I played hookey at work and took off a little earlier than normal. Tues. / Thurs. nights are hard for me cause I have obligations with my step son at home, so I had to make the best of the time I had. Nothing was going on at work, so I slipped out.

I’ve been adding more cardio to my workouts. What is ideal is to get up and do it in the morning which I did on Monday, but I take so long to get ready in the morning, that it makes me late all day long! So last night, I did my cardio after my leg routine…That was a little hard. But here’s what I did.

1. Leg Extensions
70#’s x 12
80#’s x 12
90#’s x 12
2. Lying leg curls
50#’s x 12
55#’s x 12
60#’s then back down to 55#’s x 12 (I’m not strong enough for that weight yet, but A for effort)

3. Smith press machine squats
50#’s x 12
60#’s x 12
70#’s x 12

4. Stiff legged deadlifts (with barbell)
10#’s x 12 (I don’t know why I was going this light…) I did this with a plate, the rest with barbells
25#’s x 12
30#’s x 12

5. Walking lunges
15#’s x 12
17.5#’s x 12
20#’s x 12

6. Leg press machine
20#’s x 12 (this doesn’t include the weight of the bar itself = +40lbs)
30#’s x 12
40#’s x 12

Abs
ball crunches 3 set of 25
leg raises (on chair thing) 3 sets of 25

Cardio
35 minutes of running @ 10 min / mile

I spent far too long doing all this, but once I get there it’s hard for me to leave, cause I want to do it all! I have been thinking about "saving myself" I think I need to exert more effort, or go heavier while I’m doing my reps. Next week, I am upping the ante. I am going to do 4 sets instead of three. So we’ll see how that works. The run, was hard, cause my legs were pretty tired at this point. This explains why I am sleeping so much more..Also, I tried to just eat 1200 calories yesterday, and I didn’t like how I felt. I think I will stick to 1500 clean calories instead. The 1200 made me feel really run down, and tired. Today so far is okay, but I haven’t worked out yet, so we’ll see how it goes tonight. Will post that workout when I get back.

I can’t believe it. I’ve actually lost some inches! I’ve only lost 1 lbs. or so, but I’ve lost 2" in my chest and waist, and 1/2" in my hips. I hope I’m not somehow mistaken. I did the measurments exactly like I did 16 days ago, (only I got a little confused around the hips) but hubby came in and reminded me. Is this even possible? I’ve been bummed cause the scale hasn’t changed much but what used to be my fat jeans turned too tight, are actually fitting. (a little snug, but at least I can put them on without worrying about tearing them) Also, when I shower, I feel like I am just a tad smaller. I wasn’t expecting to see this much change so fast! I guess my working out like a dog has paid off? Maybe it was water weight?? I’m flabbergasted. Wow, this only amps me up to get back into the gym tonight!!!

I’ve been reminiscing over old photos. I don’t feel so guilty as I do sad. This of course was lead up to by a string of events. This weekend being the first time ever that I logged my food intake. Not only was it my husbands birthday -so I decided to give myself a cheat meal, but what I would’ve normally thought wasn’t such a big deal, turned out to be a BOAT LOAD of calories, fat, carbs, etc. I don’t know why this effected me in this way, I guess I never really gave it much thought. So I trekked upstairs, threw on my old faithful bikini, and had my "before" photos taken of me, (by hubby of course) After seeing them, I was left with my mouth agape. No wonder that lady asked if I’d just had a baby. I actually look like it! I’m not trying to be mean to myself, but wow, I really have let myself go. Being week two in my most recent efforts, I of course (being the impatient person that I am) was hoping to see some results. Nope.. What resulted was my utter disgust of my back fat, the cellulite that had never really looked that bad around my thighs and midsection. All in all it was a real awakening. It made me reevaluate where I’m going, and how much harder I think I need to work to get there.
We went out to dinner, and I think everyone should look at their "before"pictures before dining out. Because trust me, it made me think through that menu VERY carefully. We just got home, so I decided to upload my photos (none of which I will post, until I see some progress) Yes, I am too disgusted to even show you folks out there in cyberspace. I started to shuffling through old photos of myself and my husband before we were married, and man, I looked pretty damn good back then. It’s funny cause at the time you take your picture you think, "Jeez, I look like hell." It’s not until years later that you realize, what an idiot you were for being so hard on yourself…which brings me onto my next topic….

See, when I was thinner, I got there from eating improperly, working out really hard, and working about three jobs. Now that I am in a much more stable / comfortable place in my life, I’ve become healthier, a bit more complacent, and a lot smarter about how to take care of myself. But at the time, (I lost about 25 pounds over the course of three to four months) I still had the "fat person" mentality. It took me some time to realize that I didn’t need to shop in the 8-9’s anymore, that I actually had to start looking in the 1-2’s. (or 3-4’s depending on the store). Well, after much shopping, and introspection, I finally got things straight. With my body image, that is..Well, since then, I’ve put the weight right back on. It’s been about three years or so since I looked that incredible. Well, that same body image sort of stuck with me. I seem to think that I am as small as I was then. It’s weird, I know. It’s like a reverse fat thinking or something. I guess tonight, my whole mind frame changed. It dawned on me, that yeah, I do have to shop in the 9, 10’s now. (Even bigger than I was back before I lost all my weight!) It hit me like a ton of bricks. I finally got it, and now I am left with this open wound. This sort of raw awakening if you will. Sounds dumb, but I am not sure how to handle this. I think what I will do is, put on my running shoes (cause I ran this weekend, and I forgot how much I loved it - 45 uninterrupted minutes of getting into my groove) in the morning, then workout with weights later in the day. I am noticing that when I do my cardio at night, I have a really tough time sleeping, but sometimes I just can’t make it to the gym in the morning. However, I really love this path near my house and it’s about 4 miles, so that will be good for me. It will double the cardio that I’ve been doing daily.

It takes 21 days to create a habit, and I feel like I am well on my way. I just need to find a way to get my workouts in during the Thanksgiving holiday, so I don’t feel derailed, and fall back into dangerous old patterns of complacency. I need a change. I need to feel better about myself, and look smoldering hot when I look in the mirror. Not just that but I NEED to FEEL like I am smoldering hot. I know I will get there, I just need more time, consistency, and a little bit of faith.

So, here I am truckin’ along at 9:30pm on a Friday night at the gym, crankin’ out my sets like a woman on fire. I’m thinking “Man, you rock girl, what f-ing devotion.” I could’ve been out partying drinking it up, or where I would’ve likely been, curled up on the couch with hubby watching a movie. But no, tonight, I decided I was going to keep working my tail off. I’m on my second to last set of walking lunges, (with 20lbs dumbells) mixed with crunches and leg lifts, so I was sweating up a storm, when IT happened…The lady next to me, doing leg lifts nearby asked me…”Did you just have a baby?”

I think she probably saw the look on my face, cause it was right around then when she started back paddling…FAST. I had to pick my jaw up off the ground..And explain to her, that no..I’ve never had a baby, in fact, that’s why I’m here to get in really good shape IN ORDER to have a baby..Now…No offense to all you mothers out there who rocked it with a killer bod right out of the delivery room. My sister being one of them. But from my understanding, post baby weight, is the damnedest most difficult weight to ward off. So you can imagine how my heart stopped when she asked me this. Up until this point, I had a lot of sympathy for the young guy at the front desk, and actually considered not doing my cardio in order to get him out the door in time….Yeah, that idea went out the window, along with all my positive affirmations. If I could’ve done two marathons in that twenty minutes I had left, I would have…in flying colors. I think the poor thing felt bad, because she just was full of compliments on my arms, what great legs I had. She said she’d asked me that question because she saw how hard I was working, and how I was writing everything down..(yeah, stupid me..I can’t remember how much weight I lift, so I need to write it down, so I’ll work harder next time) She started asking waaaay too many overly friendly questions about my diet, and if I did this class or that class, how many years I’ve been doing this…(5 overall if you’re curious - but the last two weeks, I’ve gotten back into it a bit more seriously). I know she was only being nice..but…the damage was done..So I wrapped up, waved goodbye to her, and hopped on the stairmaster, for the most intense 20 minutes I can remember. I made the front desk guy late closing…But it’s not every day I’m asked if I’ve just had a baby…Trust me, it will be the last time too. Even after baby is born (WHEN we decided to have a baby) I will have a killer bod. I promise.

Rollin’, rollin’. I’ve been singing this song all afternoon. Maybe it was a premonition? Maybe it was the deeper side of me telling me that this would pass. Whatever it was, my workout ROCKED tonight!! I feel so great. Tonight I did chest, back, shoulders, abs, and cardio. I will post in on the training part of my dashboard. I just can’t get over how much better I feel. I also was able to run through my whole cardio session, which for me, has been a big accomplishment. It was only 20 min. BUT that’s 20 min. without stopping. My ab workout was great too, I can’t believe the agression that I had during all this. At the end of my workout, when I felt like stopping, the only thing that kept going through my head was "you can do this.." I guess it was my mantra. Thank you so much for all your kind words, I really appreciate all the support, and very nice people I’ve met on this site already. You’ve made a big difference in my workouts, my willingness to journal my food, carry around a gallon of water, and think of myself and my confidence in a different light. It’s so nice to meet people with similar goals, and struggles. You’ve made the world of a difference…Now, onto the next challenge, how in the heck do I get myself to go to bed, now that I am all amped up!? Thanks for the planning tip Kymberg, I am going to try it.
:D

~S

I don’t know why I feel the need to discuss this. Probably because I just had an entire meal around stress eating. I’d been doing fine, logging all my food, doing all my scheduled workouts  until today. BAM! It hit me like a ton of bricks. I thought about what I "could do" but for some reason some little nagging voice inside of my head was louder than the one of reason. The nagging one thinking…It’s okay, just this one time. But it’s so many "just this one times" that landed me here in the first place. Which leads to me delve a little deeper and question why this happens instead. I’ve narrowed down the episode for today at least. It’s all related to finances. Debt consolidation, money managment makes me a complete wreck. I hate thinking about money. Not because I don’t have any, but because I have so many bills to think about. It’s hard to keep track of them. Luckily, I’m taking the necessary steps to eliminate most of my debt, and relatively soon. THANK GOD. But it’s sitting here in my office, that looks like a paper war took place, that makes run away with my head on fire. I’m typically a neat freak, so all this stuff strewn about is really frustrating.  I didn’t workout at lunch, because I was too busy with other stuff, so I will make it to the gym tonight. I think I will really need this workout. I worked out yesterday at lunch (did legs) and man, I’m getting more and more sore by the minute. Also, to add to the chaos, dealing with a teenager in the house has added another layer of stress, but I’ve managed not to let that get to me much anymore. I’ve come to the realization that he will not be this age forever, and soon this stress shall pass too. I wonder what exactly gets triggered during a stressful episode that makes so many people overeat? Is there a way to manage that trigger better? I know the standard stuff, breathing techniques, cognitive changes, etc. But what can I do that will REALLY help me? My best friend was complaining today about her two year old. And she made me want to hang up the phone, and reconsider my plan for children of my own. I am not sure I will be able to handle a child that will not want anything to do with reason. Simply because they can’t. What will stop me from stuffing my face then? That’s why I want to get a handle on this now. It’s not just the money, it’s how I manage my stress. Something definitely needs to change.

With the workouts that is. Tonight was a very good workout. The only issue I had with it, was that I might’ve overdone it just a tad. Tonight was Shoulders, Biceps, and Triceps + Cardio and Abs. I didn’t make it to abs, cause I had to leave. But the workout ROCKED. I did each set to failure, which left me feeling a little limp by the time I had to do my cardio. It was ridiculous, I felt like running with my arms dangling limply at my sides. I think I am going to be pretty sore within the next few days. Here’s what I did.

Modified Compound Superset #1
Biceps - Dumbell Curls
1. 10#’s x 15
2. 12.5#’s x 12
3. 15#’s x 12
Triceps -Lying Dumbell Ext. (um, I felt really stupid doing this exercise, I kept hitting myself in the head!)
1. 10#’s x 15
2. 12.5#’s x 12
3. 12.5#’s x 12 - the 15 lbs weren’t happening, if I wanted to walk out of the gym alive…

Modified Compound Superset #2
Biceps - Concentration Curls
1. 10#’s x 15
2. 12.5#’s x 12
3. 15#’s x 12 -it’s amazing how much stronger my left arm is than my right..not surprised, since I’m a lefty.
Triceps - Tricep Kickbacks
1. 10#s x 15
2. 12.5#’s x 12
3. 15#’s x 12 - this last set was SUPER hard

Modified Compound Superset #3
Biceps - Reverse Curl (I had a hunch I was doing these wrong, and it turns out I was! better luck next time)
1. 10#’s x 12
2. 12.5#’s x 12
3. 15#’s x 12 -this was REALLY hard
Triceps - Tricep Dips -I first tried to do these on the bar, and nearly laughed myself silly at my own weakness, so I settled for that tall machine, thing, can’t remember what it was called
1. 70#’s x 12 (I think the least lbs, the more the resistance?)
2. 60#’s x 12
3. 50#’s x 12 (I almost barfed at the end of this set, my triceps were totally done after this)

Modified Compound Superset #4
Shoulders - Dumbell Shoulder Press
1. 12.5#’s x 15
2. 15#’s x 12
3. 15#’s x 12
Shoulders -Upright Rows
1. 10#’s x 15
2. 12.5#’s x 12
3. 15#’s x 12

20 min. of running @ 5.8-6.2 speed. I had to stop and start, I couldn’t run a solid length of time, maybe because I was so tired? Very unusual for me, I’m not going to sweat it. Overall, the workout was really good, even though I didn’t get to abs, I will hit them hard tomorrow. Leg day!!

Back on, and ready to roar. Feeling much better today. Thanks for all the kind words. I’m starting a new routine today, so hopefully I can get through it. In my downtime this weekend. I had a chance to read up on some really good material that I resurrected from my mini BB library. I dusted off "The Body Sculpting Bible for Women." by James Villepigue and Hugo Rivera. I forgot how much I like this book. The photos are dated, and a little cheesy. But the advice is sound. I think I will try out their advanced workout for the next two weeks, then up it again. Last week was good, but I felt a little aimless. I found some really good quotes in this book that made me pause, and really identify what’s been going on with me.. Especially in the area of nutrition. It has this bit about "emotional eating" and it says

"…If you’re past the original eight weeks, ask yourself ‘am I eating this because my body needs it, or is it because I need it emotionally?’ If its the latter, stop and think about what is most important for you. Is it the food, or is it the fitness goals? You know what the right choice is."

I don’t know why this resonated with me so strongly. I guess because deep down, I know what’s important. I just need to own up to having made crappy dietary decisions for the past 2 years. Also I always forget how important it is to DRINK A LOT OF WATER. In between meals, when you get the urge to go for food that is not planned, etc. Also, what I found interesting, and that I will try -to see if it works for me, is their macronutrient breakdown. Instead of the standard 40/30/30, it’s 40/40/20 this allows you to have a smidge more carbs, but keeps the calories and fat grams in check at the same time. So it’s virtually impossible to eat simple carbs, because they’re higher in calories, usually. This applies to some complex carbs too. Best to stick with the fiberous stuff. Hard to go wrong with those. Oh yeah, one last thing is calorie cycling. I will give it a try in about two weeks, but has anyone found a way to make cycling work for them? Just curious, I get so cranky when I’m eating less.

The only drawback about this book, was the editing. I don’t know why this drives me CRAZY. I hate reading paragraphs with typo’s or inaccuracies. I’ve found a few, but try not to let them get to me. I’ll post the results of my workout tonight, when I get some time.

Today, was tough. I’ve been sick all day. I haven’t been able to work out, and whatever food I’ve kept in my system has been stuff that I probably shouldn’t eat. I know this is my own fault. I guess I’ve resorted to comfort food, because I’ve been in pain. Last night it felt like stomach cramping, and something stuck in my throat. Today, it’s still stomach cramping and aches in that area. I took medicine which is nice temporarily, but I am worn out and just feel <bleh>. I wasn’t able to make it to the gym today, I needed to be home and in the "saftey zone" of the bathroom. Hoping tomorrow will be a better day…