Fitcent’s Gym!

So I’ve noticed that a lot of people who are wanting to eat clean and are trying to stay healthy and work out have the same problem: people offering them fried crap all the time.
Co-workers, friends, family, strangers on the bus, you name it, if you’re eating "clean" you’ve probably been offered SOMETHING by SOMEONE that is fried, dipped in chocolate, is made of fried chocolate, is covered in sugar, is made of fried chocolate sugar or potato chips.
So I’ve compiled a list of "common courtesies" for those of you who INSIST on asking if we who are attempting to eat “clean” would like some of your fried/chocolate/cheesy/sugared lard.
For the love of Pete, read them, memorize them, write them down and paste them to your forearm if you have to before you get pounded by a carb-cutting, fat-burner-taking, weight-lifting maniac who’s dehydrated and three days out from a body building contest because you thought you’d be “polite” by asking him/her if they would like some curly fries from Jack ‘n the Box.

1. Ask once. If the person refuses, BACK AWAY SLOWLY WITH YOUR OFFERING STILL IN HAND. After a good safe distance (I’d say about 10 feet) turn around and silently walk away.

2. If you choose to ignore rule number one, don’t ask, “Are you sure?”  If they weren’t sure when they said no the first time, then they’d probably be in the same sad shape that you’re in.

3.  If you’re idiotic enough to ask a third time, then you deserve to be back handed. Once is polite, twice is pushing the limit, three times, well, that’s just asking for an ass-whopping and you should probably question your motives as to why you’re such a masochist.

4. If you actually see the person you’re thinking of offering your crappy food to eating the following: plain tuna fish, chicken breast, or turkey breast with any combination of: fresh spinach, plain oatmeal, yams, brown rice, and/or broccoli, DON’T EVEN ASK. Just tell them how good their food looks and how good they look. They’ll appreciate the compliment to both and you’ve just saved up a brownie point with a person who’ll probably be who you go to for advice when you decide to get up off your couch-lovin’ arse and start living.

This is by no means an exhaustive list of things that will keep you from getting pummeled if you decide that you’re going to see how “the intense guy/girl who goes to the gym every day and eats nothing but tuna fish” will react to you asking them numerous times if they would like to have one of the cheesy-chili-death-dogs you got from the vendor outside your work place, but if you follow the gist of them, you’ll live a…well, not sure if I’d say longer or healthier life…let’s just stick to you’ll survive in peaceful co-existence.

FitCent is EXHAUSTED. Mainly, I believe, from cutting out pretty much all carbs from his diet for the past couple of days. He only has a full two more days to go before the end of the contest that he’s in for work, and it’s going to be a fun time in the ol’ FitCent household!

Oh, let me introduce myself…I’m FitCentsWife. I’m writing his blog entry with his permission because he’s sleeping right now. He wanted to let everyone know how he’s doing. Anyway, on with his progress!

Okay, so, I can’t give too much away because apparently a few people where he works are monitoring his progress through this site. That’s the main reason why he hasn’t posted any current progress (and he’s had PLENTY) except for pictures. The last weigh-in, from what he’s said, is on Friday at 10:00 A.M. It’s so exciting!

He’s been keeping in close contact with Bill Grant concerning his diet and what he should do as far as training goes, and I believe that it’s showing that he’s been dedicated to doing what needs to be done. I mean, just LOOK AT THE PICTURES! I tried to talk him into doing another one tonight, but he was just too tired. Waking up at 5:30 A.M., only taking in about 5 to 7 grams of carbs a day and having to deal with a wife who, apparently, is having "sympathy tiredness and grouchiness" (hey, I’M writing the blog and that’s my excuse so I’m sticking with it) with him has wiped him out.

We’re supposed to go to see my relatives tomorrow and Thursday before they go back to Alaska. It’ll be interesting to see how that goes, what with his dietary restrictions and all. I’m thinking of slipping everyone a Micky right after I get there so there’ll be no problems, but I’d like for Brian to actually interact with everyone rather than just sleep through it. We’ll just have to see how it goes.

OH LORDY I’M TIRED! Like I said, I think I’m having sympathy exhaustion, so I’m going to go now. I’m sure that FitCent will be the first to post about outcome of the contest as soon as he finds out about the outcome. Look, I’m repeating myself. Not a good sign.

Yes, I cheated BADLY yesterday. It was like every day that I hadn’t ate any crap suddenly came flooding back at me and for some reason I had the feeling that I was being cheated by not being able to cheat so I CHEATED. Not cheated, but CHEATED. Does that bother me? Yeah, just a bit. I thought that I was kind of over WANTING the crappy foods that I know aren’t good for me, that I would be able to at least stave off any temptation long enough to suck down a protein shake or meal replacement. But, much to my annoyance, I’m not over the cravings for hot dogs and ice cream and soda and pretzels and candy.

That’s why I drove 180 miles to get a treadmill. HA HA! Take that, Cheat Monster! I was able to put in 30 minutes of cardio last night after my binge, and I am currently working on adding another 30 minutes as soon as I add this blog. And an intense cardio session it will be, for the binge was a big one.

But on to a new day and a new way of eating (again)! I shall vanquish the Cheat Monster for at least 24 hours, then go from there! There will be corpses of Cheat Monsters littering my home as I demolish one every 24 hours until this contest is over! And then it will probably be time for a little clean up, you know, a little bag and tag, and then on with the destruction!

My goal of being a lean, mean cut machine for the Bill Grant contest WILL  be realized, no matter how many monsters I shall have to squash with my big, meaty fists during the midnight snack runs!

Hoo-raah!!