DanicaX’s BodyBlog

"I’m doin’ the work… I’m baby steppin’." hahaa! That’s what Bill Murray says in that movie,  What About  Bob?. Sometimes I want to say that out loud, but then realize nobody will know what the **** I’m talking about, as per always.

 Ok, so I’ve been setting new goals lately and am changing a lot of things. I’m like a whole new person over here. First off, I cut the mullet. No more party in the back for me; I’m all business, baby.  Ok, but really I’ve been setting new goals and am very excited about them.  I have my newly posted goal, which is to get down to 16% bodyfat (underwater) by Thanksgiving. I’d say Halloween, but I’m planning on a whole dramatic episode at Thanksgiving dinner when we are giving thanks. Yes, it involves flipping tables over and spiking turkeys.

No, really it may be Halloween, but either way I’ma act krazy just to freak people out a little. And if I get a, "Man, I wish I could eat like that and look that way" I’d be a very pleased indeed! Little do they know…I’ve been busting my a**! I’ve cleaned up the diet a lot, mixed things up and have kept a thorough journal for the past 10 days and it just keeps getting easier and easier.  I am writing down all my goals and planning out my day the day before, which helps me a lot to stay on track….dammit I love to check stuff off of lists. I’m a check-off junkie.

I’ve visited a few farms to check out their products, been going to the farmers market every Saturday right when it opens so I can get farm eggs before they run out. They ring a bell at 8am sharp…it’s a whole production that is taken very seriously. Believe me, last week I tried to do a little transaction before 0800 and every vendor said no. This lady even told me to jut take one of her flowers I wanted to buy b/c said she’d "get in trouble" if she accepted money before THE BELL. I told her I’d pay her for it next week, which was this morning, but she wasn’t there today! Now I have to walk around with this fifty cent debt hanging over my head for another week. Great.

Also, I found a new acupuncture place yesterday and they fit me in. It was different than the other place I go to. I had to change into a gown. Oooh, sounds serious. I’ve got 2 appointments for next week, too. She used way more needles than my other place. I counted 64 when she was pulling them out. Guess it shoulda been 65 b/c I found one in my calf when I was getting dressed. Yikes! I’m ok….I’m ok. That happened last time at the other place, too. Personally, I think they are terrorists trying to take one person out at a time, but I can’t prove it.

Another goal of mine is to go to hot yoga at least once per week, which I went last Sat and today (Sat to me, but really Sun since it’s after midnight).  Today was the first time I ever got my left leg and foot wrapped around my right calf in the "eagle pose"—I could always do the right over the left w/ no problem. Of course, I screwed it all up and fell over when I was patting myself on the back about it ;) 

I went out with a friend of mine tonight for dinner and "drinks" even though I planned to not drink. Mission accomplished, although I got made fun of by drunken A-holes all night. Like I care. I got 4 oz of salmon for dinner, and that’s the first time I’ve eaten out in 10 days. Yes, I’m patting myself on the back right now and typing with the other.  

Let’s see….I think that’s good enuf for now. Hope everyone is having a good weekend and behaving (you know who you are).

Well well well….look who made his mullet way back to A&E. Dog the Bounty Hunter!!….and Big boobie Beth…Oh, and Leland! Hey bra, why didn’t you ever call me, bra? Anyways, apparently it’s back on.  I proposed a reality show to A&E shortly after the "racial slur incident" when the show got pulled…"Day in the Life of a Big Queer Dog" featuring no other bigger and queerer (more queer?) dog than my very own! When they rejected the idea, of course, gay boy went running (well prancing very fast at least) out of the room. Then we figured if we can’t beat em, we may as well join em! So we auditioned to be some of the Dog’s entourage. They took him, but I got stuck being Dog’s stunt double. Ugh…What, you thought he did his own tricks? And mess up his hair…I doubt it.

I guess he would fit right in, even if he looks way tougher than he’d ever actually be:

Stunt double….pfffft. Whatever yo:

 We are really cracking down on pimps this season: 

 As well as continuing our War on Ice…I got this crystal meth fiend off the streets:

Yeah, this had absolutely nothing to do with health or fitness. Sorry. Meth head off the streets…that’s healthy I guess.

 **DISCLAIMER** No dogs (queer or straight, but mostly queer) were harmed in the above photos. The author does not condone racial slurs or statements, carrying concealed weapons (including large breasts), watching A&E naked, using  crystal meth, bringing back mullets, or anything else that anyone could possibly take offense to. 

Well, looks like I got sucked in by another Walgreens marketing ploy. So weak….I’m so weak! May I refer you to the time I came walking outta there with all the cool stuff they had at the checkout line…kinda like on Dumb and Dumber when Jim Carrey came out of the store wearing a giant cowboy hat, carrying boxes full of pinwheels and playing with a paddle ball.  I had a relapse. Peep this:
 
I was zooming through the aisles on one of those mortorized scooters they have at the front for disabled customers. Hey, I was a customer….I did too many lunges. Are we gonna split hairs here? Anyways, I was at the corner of 7B and Cosmetics waiting to turn when I saw it. The Ped Egg. "As Seen on TV" Ped Egg. Yeah, that’s the one. I tried to ignore it, but it was all like, "Hey, what are you doing tonight? Why don’t we go back to your place" The rest is history.
 
Long story short….that thing works! If you haven’t seen the commercial or heard about it, it’s basically a foot file shaped like an egg and catches all the dusty crap inside. First of all…gross…I don’t know where all that stuff came from. It was sorta like ear candling. Anybody done that? Where does all THAT stuff come from?
 
So I guess I overdid it. I know….soooo unlike me. I over Ped-Egged. Yesterday I knew my feet felt really sensitive, but I went to the track anyways. I was doing different stuff on the field , which is astro turf and has that rubber infill stuff. All the friction was too much for my feet, with all the changing directions. I figured  it was pretty bouncy so I just figured I’d quit my crying and take my shoes off and eliminate the shoe friction. Genius!
 
Good idea til I realized how hot those little black rubber pieces got in the sun. It was like walking on fire, but I chose that over the shoe friction. All was good til I spotted a safety pin on the field. Shoes back on!!
 
Lesson here is, if you plan on working out, don’t over exfoliate your feet. The women in those nail shops aren’t gonna tell you that. I bet there are people who have to ride around in those scooter in stores b/c they over ped egged. I wonder if I could put some bumper stickers on the back of my scooter, maybe hang some fuzzy dice. "If you’re gonna drink and drive, drink a DQ shake"—that’s a good one! Of course, I worked at DQ all through high school so I’m biased. Besides, half those people operating those scooters are wasted. Yeah, that bumper sticker is pretty lame.

Happy late Independence Day, everyone!! My 4th of July started out the same as any other day, by sneaking over and stealing my neighbor’s newspaper. By "sneaking" I mean I really tried to get the dog to go fetch it for me, you know, like dogs are supposed to do. Oh no, not him. He doesn’t work for free and he sure the heck doesn’t have the piss poor morals I was hoping he’d have when I adopted his Pueblo, CO freakish @$$. Perhaps it’s b/c I haven’t had him since he was a pup. Boy, I woulda molded him right if I had! Believe that!
 
Anyways, on the front page of the FOURTH OF JULY morning paper there was a big picture of a kid scooping ice cream out of a carton. The kid was looking all sad-like and melancholy, like someone just slashed her giant trampoline in her back yard (BTW that wasn’t me). The article was about how ice cream manufacturers have been reducing the size (1.75 to 1.5 quarts) of their ice cream containers on the sly. Yes, on the sly!!! Can you believe it? It’s an outrage!! I’m not so sure I blame them with the response of some of these people, either. Good lord, you don’t mess with the size of ice cream buckets…not in this country you don’t. This lady said she noticed how her container was "about an inch shorter than it used to be." hahahaa!!! What?
 
I went to the farmers market this morning. There were no more eggs. Nobody cared.
 
This other lady said, "It feels like the manufacturer is trying to pull a fast one. Consumers are not morons."  Excuse me, double-hahahahaahahaa!!! She must not have gotten her certified letter personally signed by the head ice cream dude (or dudette, both are official titles of course) explaining how things were gonna go down. Everything’s going up, lady. Ingredients cost more, gas to transport, energy costs, etc. Alright, that’s it!! Who’s the head banana dude? I need to have a chat with him!
 
Front page of the paper on the 4th. Nothing about our troops, no picture of a flag, not even a firework. May as well have a fat guy eating a hotdog, drinking a beer on the front. At least he’s probably not gonna complain.
 
Today is the 12th of July already…that’s crazy! Today is Anne Frank’s bday. I don’t know why I always remember that! So, a blog entry in honor of my homegirl, Anne Frank! I bet she would be happy to have had ice cream.
 
Yesterday was a nice hot and sunny day. I’ve been loving to ride my bike this summer so I rode on a trail and stopped to run some hills. It was one hill and I did 10 hill sprints, which basically almost killed me. It was probably my hardest workout I’ve had all year. I was so exhausted after every one of them, but towards the end my head started feeling like it was just too heavy to even hold up anymore. Yes, I took off my bike helmet. I just had nothing left. I had to sit in the shade for a little while before I could bike home. I was proud of those hill sprints!! Hope everyone is having a good and healthy month so far and enjoying all the things of summer!

I mean…..er…..Cox sucks! Good thing I have Qwest and my internet is up and working after a super crazy storm yesterday.  Good job, Qwest……Ok, that’s enough. I don’t need you getting a big fat head and raising my prices.  And now let me tell a story of how I almost died yesterday. Ok, well not me….but I have a tiny little cactus that almost died.
 
Yesterday afternoon it was beautiful, sunny weather. I rode my bike to the track. I didn’t get hit by a car, I didn’t get pooped on by any birds….things were looking up. I get home, get in the shower, when I get out I hear all this thumping and bumping around. Something was going down. Was the SWAT team beating my house in? Is my house getting egged by neigborhood hoodlums? Not this time. I look outside and there is hail and massive rain and wind. I’d never seen anything like it. It was just insane….I was actually scared and started to go down to the basement, but not before I went out on the balcony to rescue my little cactus. I put him out there during the day to get some sunshine. I left him out one night and he got tossed around by wind and got knocked out of his pot and thrown about. So I put him in a coffee mug and there I kept him, nice and snug. Kinda like Peter Peter Pumpkin Eater….only with a cactus, and a coffee mug.  Same diff
 
Anyways, the storm…it was crazy. It came and went very quick, then got sunny, but there was hail in my yard when I was leaving for work. I took a pic!

So I start driving…there were trees across the roads, branches everywhere, signs down, barricades all over the interstate knocked over. There was seriously a guy…just a regular passerby guy, who was directing traffic around a tree in the middle of the road. He was a take-charge kinda guy. There was a Harley Davidson on its side in the interstate. I don’t know where it came from…perhaps it got blown off a truck or something. Two 18 year old kids died, too, when a tree fell on their car. It was awful, but I’m surprised nobody else got hurt. Well, I’m sure they did. There was supposed to be a big fireworks show last night and people were out there all day long. Some people didn’t  leave (cuckoo…) and this lady had bruises all over her body from the hail.  Power was out, there were trees across power lines everywhere, just a big mess.
 
Oh, anyways….all my neigbors have Cox (cable/internet/phone) and still don’t have service. I, however, like to go with the underdog company (plus I’m boycotting Cox b/c they really pissed me off a few years ago). See, I was right all along.
 
So I get off work this morning and drive home. It was like driving through a forest. The roads were all green with tree leaves, there were limbs everywhere. I get home and change to go walk my big fancy prancing dog. See, he’s extremely gay, yet he tries to act tough and fight with other dogs. So we go outside and here comes this dog out of nowhere. It was some kind of spaniel dog and it was about 0.25 the size of big gay boy. He didn’t care. He had to act like he wanted to fight with it. So in the middle of acting like a spaz to get to the other dog, he slipped on some sand in the street, fell and almost went down in the gutter. I’ve always been afraid of him falling down there!
 
So, of course I have to save the dog….This dog was hyper, he looked like he’d been through storm, he smelled AWFUL, all wet….he was looking pretty rough. I got him corraled in my garage where he proceeded to jump on top of my car. I gave him water, food, some cash money…there was just no calming him down. He was a horrible mess of a dog. I called the humane society, but they wouldn’t be able to come get him for hours. He had on this terribly worn and beaten up nylon collar, but it had a phone number embroidered on it which was almost impossible to read. Eventually I reached the owner who didn’t live too far away and I met him to give him back. Just another animal saving Saturday….why is it always a Saturday? Are these critters all drunk and disoriented from a night long of boozing it up? That snapping turtle a few weeks ago was definitely all hyped up on something.
 
Weather is good now. All sunny…..the cactus is already out there soaking up some sun. Hopefully a bike ride to the gym today, but there will definitely be some puddles I’ll have to peddle through. Hope everyone has a good weekend

Just a word before the basketball game starts here. I enjoy watching basketball and I’m partial to the Lakers. However, if the Celtics win tonight (which I think they will), they deserve it if you ask me. They haven’t cracked under pressure, even win they played in LA… AND even came back to win game 4 ( I think it was game 4) when the Lakers were up by like 24 points at one point. They even had all the stars there rooting them on: Jack Nicholson of course, Will Smith, Justin Timberlake, the Pope may have even been there, I don’t know.  They lost after being ahead by TWENTY-FOUR. I coulda counted the Boston fans there on one hand. I’d even count with my 4-fingered hand.

Anyways, so I was talking to a friend a little bit ago who happens to be a Laker fan. Like I said, I like the Lakers, but DanicaX is not, I repeat NOT, a Laker Fa-reek. Apparently he is. I simply told him that the Celtics have been playing better (in my own unbiased, onlooker, non-freekish opinion) and that they deserve it if they win tonight. I didn’t even say that I thought they would win tonight. Well, then he proceeded to tell me that I was being negative and a "fair weather fan." HAHAAA! Whatever, dude.

So. We’ll see. I won’t say anymore about it. I don’t want no hate mail, ya’ll.

Oh, yeah. There haven’t been any tornadoes here in a few days so I’ve been able to ride my bike. Today I rode to the track. It only takes about 20 minutes there and a little longer on the way back. I take my backpack with a big towel, a jump rope, 2 tennis balls or racquetballs…nothing very heavy. The towel really is nice b/c there are chiggers everywhere on the bleachers and I don’t want any chiggers up in my skin. I’ve been rolling around on the balls when I’m done, on my back. It’s all quite a spectacle. My sudden outburts (mostly to the chiggers) probably don’t help.

Yesterday I rode to the gym and got a nice circuit workout in. There was a girl there who had a full face of makeup on. I’m not kidding, like everything…foundation, powder, mascara, she had her hair done. I’m sweating my butt off. I don’t understand how people do that. How can you stand it? I already had my standard two towels I was carrying around, but I wanted to go up to her and ask if I could have hers since she didn’t need it. Can anybody figure that out? Is there something I don’t know. I mean, even if the makeup was all waterproof, sweatproof, bullet proof, whatever….why would you want it caked on your face when you workout? Anybody….? Excuse me now, I’m gonna go paint my walls and spray them with a hose.

I thought I’d write a quick blog while I’m holed up in my basement with the beast (dog) during a mighty fine tornado warning. The sirens are going off now. Usually I wouldn’t pay any attention, but since I turned on the weather and saw the red swirly things basically right over my house I figured I’d go to the basement. What the heck, it’s 3:00am…I wasn’t doing anything else really….just having a staring contest with the ole doggie. I was winning, too. Something always comes up when I’m winning. House fire, flood, tornado, yada yada yada. I had to go back upstairs to get his blanket so he could chew it, too. He likes that…he’s an odd dog.

 Today I went running outside. It was horribly sticky, hot and humid out. Not to mention, I am horrible at running so I was extra sticky and hot…and awkward. Oh, well. I had my shades and bandana on Bret Michaels style so nobody would recognize me anyways   Oh, and I happened upon a snapping turtle when I was running through a golf course. It was huge! I saw it from a distance and thought it was my imagination, but no….it was a giant turtle! It was stuck between two fences and was burning up I’m sure from the sun right on him and he was on concrete. Anyways, I went up to some golfers nearby and asked if I could borrow a cell phone. I’m sure they were scared of me! Either that or they thought I was Bret Michaels. . . on crack! "Excuse me, could I please borrow your cell phone? I need to call the humane society to go save a turtle."  I think he thought I was trying to steal his phone. He asked if I knew the number by chance. hahaaa! Do I know the number by chance?! "uh, yeah. It’s 444-7800, then push option 1." Then this guy really thought I was nutso! Whoa, this chick means business…..

The guy passed me his cell phone through the chain link fence. I thought about acting like I was gonna run for a second, you know, just to see the look on his face. There was a fence between us, what was he gonna do? Instead I told him I’d try not to get sweat on it. So I told the lady right where the turtle was and she said not to touch it b/c it was probably a snapping turtle. eeeeek. I was looking for a stick to see if it would bite it earlier to test its biting capabilities before I called. Whoa….close one.

Random thougt: Why do I have my remote control down here with me? I don’t know.

So I hand the golfer guy back his phone through the fence. I told him he would be safe from tonight’s elimination….What else could you ask for? That is a Rock of Love reference in case I’m just talking crazy right now….which is not only possible, it’s highly probable.

Tonight I went to the gym sort of late. I’ve noticed that there are mostly men there when I go late. I could group all the guys there tonight into two groups: "basketball players" and "thuggish" and that was it. I don’t know if it was just the night, or the time or what. Anyways, my low back has been hurting again a lot lately so I’ve been avoiding stiff legged deadlifts and low back extensions for the most part. I’m hoping that picking up hot yoga again will help alleviate it.

Tomorrow will be a nice track workout if it doesn’t rain. I haven’t seen COG (creepy old guy) there yet this year.  School is out so he should be making his appearance soon. His shirt off, his lack of teeth, parking his minivan under a tree up on the sidewalk, sitting in the bleachers watching….hopefully NOT me. Oh, speaking of that minivan of his….the one he parks in the handicapped spot at the gym, then goes in and walks like 7 miles on the treadmill. Well, he got a parking ticket on his van for doing that. hahaaa! Take THAT COG!

Until next time….

Oh, well it looks like it’s time for me to write a little BLOG. ….
B.ryanGee, for the
L.ove
O.f
G.od, please stop harassing me now….
 
I got your threatening PM. I got the "two week reminder" from bb.com….They started texting me, I walked outside, there was an airplane with a banner. It just got out of hand.  I’ve just been busy with Cinco de Mayo, peeps. As most of you know, I am part (5/16) Mexican. I just got home from yet another night of celebrating my heritage. Let’s see, tonight it was laser tag, drag racing , stealing street signs…. all while wearing my giant paper mache sombrero that I made  in the art room in jail last weekend. Then it started raining. Giant sombrero fun over! What’s the point really after that? I, DanicaX Maria Martinez-Hernandez, am done with Cinco de Mayo ‘08!
 
Yes, Fat Head was very melancholy when I got home (see pic) b/c he very much wanted to participate in the celebration tonight. He is from Pueblo, Colorado, but how the heck does HE know that? I have no clue, but I blame that dang doggie daycare. Buncha smartie pants dogs in there and he’s been learning all sorts of new things that I’d rather him not know. Looks like he was up to no good, on the couch drinking beer and watching basketball. He better not have ordered anything off the Home Shopping Network like he did last time I caught him drinking. He’s a mean drunk, too, so I hope he doesn’t start in tonight. 
 
Anyways, I’m excited the weather is getting warmer and I can get some bike rides in. I got to ride to the track yesterday and today, and have gotten to ride to the gym twice in the past week. The weather is supposed to get a little cooler and rainy now I think, so I will have to resort to driving el carro. My back has really been bothering me lately and I’ve been using my inversion table a lot. That really only temporarily gives some relief. I’ve thought about bungie jumping..I think that may somehow straighten me back out. :) No pun intended. Hope everyone is doing well and has a great week!

Alright. I have to write a little something so I don’t bring out anybody’s "Raging Asian" side! You know who you are!

 I can barely walk today. I have just been sort of rolling around to and fro. I did a new lower body circuit on Tuesday which was very hard. Some plyometric moves were in there even. Box jumps were involved…things got ugly from there. Soooo, what did I do yesterday? Oh, I thought it would be a good idea to ride my bike (first time this year) to the track, run stairs and then ride back (uphill). Ummmm, no. It was not a good idea at all. Therefore, today I roll.

Yesterday it was awesome outside at about 73 degrees. Today it is raining and 30 degrees cooler…perfect rolling weather!The first bike ride of the year went very well! Plus, I didn’t get hit (by cars or bullets) or bit (by animals or people). It was perfect bike riding all around!

Last weekend I took a little trip to Pittsburgh to see super cool fellow bodyspacer, King Marmoset! It was a blast like usual and he was very accommodating and awesome! He even let me sit inside his car and not the trunk like last time. Thank you for that!! Oh yes, he is a very nice boy. KM even drove all the way back to the airport to fetch my luggage when it popped up (b/c it was lost!) even though they would have delivered it later. He let me stay behind to clean up the yard. I raked up about 19 Cheeto bags total and a few leaves so I don’t know what is going on over there. I don’t wanna know!

I also got stuck in Milwaukee Friday night. I’m flipping Milwaukee the bird right now!!! The rest of the weekend went better. We cruised in a limo, drank a little too much , seeked out a midget (sadly he had the night off! Can he do that?), worked out, I hurled in the locker room and nobody even held my hair back! Ok, really the working out and hurling order was reversed, as in I really hurled and then worked out. Yep, I drank a little too much the night before, but dammit I wasn’t gonna let that stop me from working out. I felt a little better after that. 

Let’s see….KM took my phone from me and started drunk dialing random people and leaving them messages, his cousin tried to kill me via alcohol poisoning, oh but his brother…..that little boy was the worst one of all! He was very brutal. I think he still has one of my credit cards, but I am too scared to ask for it back. I can’t even look him in the eye, that kid.

Hope everyone is having a super duper week!

Products movin’ fast,
Put away the stash,
And as i sold the last bag f***ed around and got locked up

 
Doh! I was unable to watch my normal programs on Vh1 Sunday due to my weekend stay at the county jail. Long story, but the point is….ain’t nobody watching no Flavor of Love 3 when they up in the Iron City. Pixi, I know you missed them, too! My brain is not able to compute what is going on on I Know My Child is a Star, so I am not even going there.

Maybe if I acted like I hated all those shows they would make me watch them as punishment. Hmmmm.  What is going on in the world anyways? This is why me and what’s-his-face (the dog….I can’t recall his name right now) have been on a roller coaster of emotion all day:
 
-You got Dustin Diamond threatening to shut down Celebrity Fit Club Boot Camp b/c Harvey called him a nazi something or another. Note: He also called Erin Moran a "fire cracker"…..OMG! He totally called her a cracker!
 
-Oh no you dih-ent! Amber like totally lied to Bret Michaels on Rock of Love 2 about her age. Oh, but it’s ok b/c she says she is a tv host and is in a business where she has to be younger than she is….? Oh, Amber….Girl, your secret is safe with all 5 million of us!
 
-Oh, Flav….Will you ever find the perfect woman for you to have your kid # 8, 9 and 10? I vote for the homegirl who cried at your fake funeral when she was reading your eulogy. She really didn’t want you to be dead, even for fake….Oh, and she could read!
 
….and this was NOT on Celebreality, but I think I saw Perez Hilton in the Hip Hop class at the gym tonight. I couldn’t positively ID him w/o comparing his prints with the ones I have on file at home. I got THOSE using the superglue fuming method off some latent prints he left in grease on a KFC bucket. I’ll go ahead and say it was him. I was on the other side of the glass (which, by the way, is better than bars anyday) and I was on a bike. He was wearing a hot pink bandana with a neon pink, green and yellow horizontal striped hoodie with the hood up and a lime green shirt underneath. No pants! And he was gettin’ down with his big bright self. You go, Perez!  Now that seems like a class worth attending!