Screw you, Turtlenecks!!
He had on a lovely white turtleneck. My neck was a bit chilly, too, but I toughed it out. I get on the only StepMill open, conveniently located in front of COG’s TM, but there was a row of ellipticals between us, kinda like a safety shield in my mind. I don’t know about you, but I hate being up there on that thing when there are people behind you. First of all, whoever is in charge of the layout of equipment is either A) the most sedentary and despicable person ever created B)blind C) not smart enough to predict obvious movements that are about to take place…for example, a knee extension when a person gets on the leg extension machine D) a man who thinks he is slick by positioning the prone leg curl so when chicks get on it their butt is way up in the air facing everybody. Stupid equipment movin’ man!
My personal fave is the way the gym used to have free benches you could move around…you know, freely.Then they opted to bolt them down—each one being directly in front of a seam between mirrors on the wall so when you look forward you have 2 heads. Smooth one. I guess the damn benches kept disappearing so they had to put a stop to that shuffling around nonsense. ? Come to think of it…Yep, I did find a bench hidden under a 5lb dumbell once. It was just getting to be a game of hide ‘n’ seek to find a stinkin bench. Thank God they have a permanent home!
Anyway.
Back to COG on the TM… I’d been on the StepMill for 25 min when I noticed COG had somehow pulled himself onto the SM to my right and was staring at me. StepMills are tall. There’s no hiding anything up there…you are pretty much on display. Nice. COG assumes a serious “let’s chat awhile” kinda pose…one clunky white velcro sneaker foot propped up on the hood of the SM, hunched forward w/ his elbows on the rails. He’s leaning in towards me. Now THERE’S a man who can fill out a nice cotton turtleneck!
I’m sweating and breathing heavy. He didn’t care. He wanted to tell me about how he tried to feed his two dogs ground hamburger and they wouldn’t eat it until he put some cheese on it. Oh, and how he just did 5miles on the TM. Thank goodness he parked in that handicapped spot so he didn’t waste any treadmill-walkin’ energy on the treacherous walk across the lot like the rest of us have to endure.
Then COG made some remarks about my physique that he noticed…you know…while he was RIGHT FREAKING BEHIND ME! NO thanks to the good-for-nothin ellipticals that wEre supposed to have my back. I’m so not talking to them tomorrow…
Now, if someone else–let’s say someone w/ more than one bottom tooth…maybe 80 years younger…a little less turtle-neckish—were to say the same thing I’d be stoked….buuuut, no. I wasn’t stoked at all. I just felt more creeped out and dirty! I ran into the locker room and bathed from head to toe in Lava soap, then burned my clothes. The disappointment goes farther than the gym, you see, b/c he’s at the track everyday in the summer when I run stairs. I no longer feel safe. A plan of attack is in the works…
Now for my Monday Training:
cardio/abs/cardio
Treadmill 20min run
abs: leg lifts 2 X 15–decline crunches 2 X 20—cable crunches 3 X 50
elliptical 20min
Today’s Training:
StepMill 40min steady pace mostly, nothing crazy
….that was it….
My SizeOn came today so I will start that tomorrow evening when I lift. Should everYbody in my path be scared? Definitely. I’m a little scared myself…Any women who have tried this stuff have anything to say? The other supps are still going strong. Cytolean seems to still be effective at giving me a boost. I knocked the SP 250 down to a lower dose, 1- 1 1/2 scoops for now. 3 was overkill for me. I hope to lean out my arms more. Like, a lot more. Mainly, the back of the upper arm. That and my torso fat are gonna be the last to go and, therefore have been placed at the top (ok, near the top) of my sh*t list!! I’ve asked nicely and it still won’t leave.
“Hey, Danica, who you talkin’ to?” “Huh? Oh, just my fat….Just my fat…”
January 22, 2008 at 10:52 pm
girl, you just made my day with that story. i had a brutal day as well! but that one made me laugh…and about the "stupid equipment movin’ man", i totally agree! who plans these things!!! seriously. think about it before you bolt it to the damn floor!
Tomorrows a new day!
we’ll have a better one. hope your training is going well.
January 22, 2008 at 11:05 pm
LOL…I think we must go to the same gym. Gyms should seriously have baseball bats lying around so people can fight off the weirdos. Unfortunately, at my gym, COG usually turns into "old naked guy hanging out in the locker room".
On another note, it was cold out the other day and I was going to put a sweatshirt on my dog. Mine was too big, so I called my mom and asked for one of her old ones. Imagine my surprise when she handed me a turtleneck…
January 22, 2008 at 11:06 pm
That could’ve been the funniest BLOG I have read on here yet. You have put a smile on my face although I am sorry to hear about creepy old guy, that does sound a bit disturbing. I hope this incident is not a reapeat thing as there is nothing worse then making a "new friend" at the gym and having to fake a seizure to make them go away. Take care and hope things in the COG department get better for you.
January 22, 2008 at 11:27 pm
Don’t worry about the COG. I’d be more worried about naked people in the locker room coming up to you and introducing themselves while staring at your privates.
January 22, 2008 at 11:31 pm
Love the story!!!
January 23, 2008 at 3:03 am
I’ve discovered that the trick to communicating with people like the COG is to be at their level. Nothing seems to get through to them like a 20 min. rant on what you plan on doing to your ex when they get out of prison and why it’s their fault that your dog (who recently joined a cult online) is now on a ketchup-only diet.
Throw in a few twitches and stutter just a little and they stop bothering you entirely! LMAO
Too funny DX……
January 23, 2008 at 5:50 am
Hey Miss X I have to agree with Dave! To get rid of COG you must out creep him. Dave had some good suggestions but if those don’t work try talking to him about that nasty yeast infection and the mess it makes or launch into a half hour oration about how hard it is to clean out your toe jam or something equally disgusting! A word of caution though…if he actually seems interested in these conversations you might just want to revert to physical violence and dispatch him quickly.
January 23, 2008 at 6:24 am
Danica and COG sittin’ in a tree! K.I.S.S.I.N.G!!! First comes love. Then comes marriage. Then comes Esai Aquino Dondiego in a baby carriage!
January 23, 2008 at 9:10 am
Ok SO I TOTALLY agree with you about the layout of a gym. For goodness sakes! KRIKEY! If you know when to come into our gym, you’ll see skinny asian lady with big butt doing the butt glider cardio machine. It’s inevitable that you’ll find creapy 45 year old Italian guy who looks like a former gym teacher looking at her from the bikes. Why they put the butt jiggler in the first row? no one knows.
And about COG…. just make sure you have headphones in. And pretend you have some psycho thing goin. "Hold on Mr. Sprokit, I am finishing up my self-help tape." "I will NOT cut off my boyfriends penis. I will NOT take a knife to people who remind me of grandpa. I will continue to work out and get a sexy body so I can seduce old men who remind me of my grandpa to become my boyfriend." Then take the head phones off and say, "Mind if I call you papa?"
January 23, 2008 at 9:46 am
AP release - Jan 23, 2007. Elderly chap in large fury turtleneck beaten with cheesy hamburger patty on way to COGM by Angry and Naked Hot Dog Eating champion screaming, "Death to dirty old farts!"
January 23, 2008 at 12:45 pm
What you need to do is occupy COG with someone else… like a decoy… are there any interesting elderly ladies that are regulars at your gym?? Like a speed TM walker perhaps?? If so… find one that’s to your liking… take your pick… and then write an secret admirer note to COG from the lady that you choose and put in under the windshield wiper of COG’s minivan… give clues as to who the woman is and BAM he will have a new target!! Valentine’s day is approaching… He just might buy it…
January 23, 2008 at 1:07 pm
you have this problem with the old men-I see them everyday in the gym doing the same thing-I have had a couple of women ask me to say something to them, and I do (not for gym hero of the month status) but for the fact that if they feel that uncomfortable than something needs said. The brief COG talk usually doesnt last long and ends with a little more respect or an open treadmill in the mornings. I am married and have 3 daughters and I would not want them to be treated this way.
A problem i am seeing lately to is the high school girl whores coming in and doing the same thing to guys-they take up space, most dont even work out, and they never stop with the damn high pitched screaming and laughing. Now they go directly to those misplaced machines because they have the look at me factor. If they want people to look up their shorts go work at a strip bar and get the hell out of my gym.
Jeff
January 23, 2008 at 8:25 pm
I know the stories of COG are supposed to be funny, but they really do come across as creepy. I hope the next blog from you doesn’t include him delivering pizza to your door…
January 25, 2008 at 5:02 am
You made my moring. Great story. Funny.
Keep up the hard work. You look great.