DanicaX’s BodyBlog

I mean…..er…..Cox sucks! Good thing I have Qwest and my internet is up and working after a super crazy storm yesterday.  Good job, Qwest……Ok, that’s enough. I don’t need you getting a big fat head and raising my prices.  And now let me tell a story of how I almost died yesterday. Ok, well not me….but I have a tiny little cactus that almost died.
 
Yesterday afternoon it was beautiful, sunny weather. I rode my bike to the track. I didn’t get hit by a car, I didn’t get pooped on by any birds….things were looking up. I get home, get in the shower, when I get out I hear all this thumping and bumping around. Something was going down. Was the SWAT team beating my house in? Is my house getting egged by neigborhood hoodlums? Not this time. I look outside and there is hail and massive rain and wind. I’d never seen anything like it. It was just insane….I was actually scared and started to go down to the basement, but not before I went out on the balcony to rescue my little cactus. I put him out there during the day to get some sunshine. I left him out one night and he got tossed around by wind and got knocked out of his pot and thrown about. So I put him in a coffee mug and there I kept him, nice and snug. Kinda like Peter Peter Pumpkin Eater….only with a cactus, and a coffee mug.  Same diff
 
Anyways, the storm…it was crazy. It came and went very quick, then got sunny, but there was hail in my yard when I was leaving for work. I took a pic!

So I start driving…there were trees across the roads, branches everywhere, signs down, barricades all over the interstate knocked over. There was seriously a guy…just a regular passerby guy, who was directing traffic around a tree in the middle of the road. He was a take-charge kinda guy. There was a Harley Davidson on its side in the interstate. I don’t know where it came from…perhaps it got blown off a truck or something. Two 18 year old kids died, too, when a tree fell on their car. It was awful, but I’m surprised nobody else got hurt. Well, I’m sure they did. There was supposed to be a big fireworks show last night and people were out there all day long. Some people didn’t  leave (cuckoo…) and this lady had bruises all over her body from the hail.  Power was out, there were trees across power lines everywhere, just a big mess.
 
Oh, anyways….all my neigbors have Cox (cable/internet/phone) and still don’t have service. I, however, like to go with the underdog company (plus I’m boycotting Cox b/c they really pissed me off a few years ago). See, I was right all along.
 
So I get off work this morning and drive home. It was like driving through a forest. The roads were all green with tree leaves, there were limbs everywhere. I get home and change to go walk my big fancy prancing dog. See, he’s extremely gay, yet he tries to act tough and fight with other dogs. So we go outside and here comes this dog out of nowhere. It was some kind of spaniel dog and it was about 0.25 the size of big gay boy. He didn’t care. He had to act like he wanted to fight with it. So in the middle of acting like a spaz to get to the other dog, he slipped on some sand in the street, fell and almost went down in the gutter. I’ve always been afraid of him falling down there!
 
So, of course I have to save the dog….This dog was hyper, he looked like he’d been through storm, he smelled AWFUL, all wet….he was looking pretty rough. I got him corraled in my garage where he proceeded to jump on top of my car. I gave him water, food, some cash money…there was just no calming him down. He was a horrible mess of a dog. I called the humane society, but they wouldn’t be able to come get him for hours. He had on this terribly worn and beaten up nylon collar, but it had a phone number embroidered on it which was almost impossible to read. Eventually I reached the owner who didn’t live too far away and I met him to give him back. Just another animal saving Saturday….why is it always a Saturday? Are these critters all drunk and disoriented from a night long of boozing it up? That snapping turtle a few weeks ago was definitely all hyped up on something.
 
Weather is good now. All sunny…..the cactus is already out there soaking up some sun. Hopefully a bike ride to the gym today, but there will definitely be some puddles I’ll have to peddle through. Hope everyone has a good weekend

Just a word before the basketball game starts here. I enjoy watching basketball and I’m partial to the Lakers. However, if the Celtics win tonight (which I think they will), they deserve it if you ask me. They haven’t cracked under pressure, even win they played in LA… AND even came back to win game 4 ( I think it was game 4) when the Lakers were up by like 24 points at one point. They even had all the stars there rooting them on: Jack Nicholson of course, Will Smith, Justin Timberlake, the Pope may have even been there, I don’t know.  They lost after being ahead by TWENTY-FOUR. I coulda counted the Boston fans there on one hand. I’d even count with my 4-fingered hand.

Anyways, so I was talking to a friend a little bit ago who happens to be a Laker fan. Like I said, I like the Lakers, but DanicaX is not, I repeat NOT, a Laker Fa-reek. Apparently he is. I simply told him that the Celtics have been playing better (in my own unbiased, onlooker, non-freekish opinion) and that they deserve it if they win tonight. I didn’t even say that I thought they would win tonight. Well, then he proceeded to tell me that I was being negative and a "fair weather fan." HAHAAA! Whatever, dude.

So. We’ll see. I won’t say anymore about it. I don’t want no hate mail, ya’ll.

Oh, yeah. There haven’t been any tornadoes here in a few days so I’ve been able to ride my bike. Today I rode to the track. It only takes about 20 minutes there and a little longer on the way back. I take my backpack with a big towel, a jump rope, 2 tennis balls or racquetballs…nothing very heavy. The towel really is nice b/c there are chiggers everywhere on the bleachers and I don’t want any chiggers up in my skin. I’ve been rolling around on the balls when I’m done, on my back. It’s all quite a spectacle. My sudden outburts (mostly to the chiggers) probably don’t help.

Yesterday I rode to the gym and got a nice circuit workout in. There was a girl there who had a full face of makeup on. I’m not kidding, like everything…foundation, powder, mascara, she had her hair done. I’m sweating my butt off. I don’t understand how people do that. How can you stand it? I already had my standard two towels I was carrying around, but I wanted to go up to her and ask if I could have hers since she didn’t need it. Can anybody figure that out? Is there something I don’t know. I mean, even if the makeup was all waterproof, sweatproof, bullet proof, whatever….why would you want it caked on your face when you workout? Anybody….? Excuse me now, I’m gonna go paint my walls and spray them with a hose.

I thought I’d write a quick blog while I’m holed up in my basement with the beast (dog) during a mighty fine tornado warning. The sirens are going off now. Usually I wouldn’t pay any attention, but since I turned on the weather and saw the red swirly things basically right over my house I figured I’d go to the basement. What the heck, it’s 3:00am…I wasn’t doing anything else really….just having a staring contest with the ole doggie. I was winning, too. Something always comes up when I’m winning. House fire, flood, tornado, yada yada yada. I had to go back upstairs to get his blanket so he could chew it, too. He likes that…he’s an odd dog.

 Today I went running outside. It was horribly sticky, hot and humid out. Not to mention, I am horrible at running so I was extra sticky and hot…and awkward. Oh, well. I had my shades and bandana on Bret Michaels style so nobody would recognize me anyways   Oh, and I happened upon a snapping turtle when I was running through a golf course. It was huge! I saw it from a distance and thought it was my imagination, but no….it was a giant turtle! It was stuck between two fences and was burning up I’m sure from the sun right on him and he was on concrete. Anyways, I went up to some golfers nearby and asked if I could borrow a cell phone. I’m sure they were scared of me! Either that or they thought I was Bret Michaels. . . on crack! "Excuse me, could I please borrow your cell phone? I need to call the humane society to go save a turtle."  I think he thought I was trying to steal his phone. He asked if I knew the number by chance. hahaaa! Do I know the number by chance?! "uh, yeah. It’s 444-7800, then push option 1." Then this guy really thought I was nutso! Whoa, this chick means business…..

The guy passed me his cell phone through the chain link fence. I thought about acting like I was gonna run for a second, you know, just to see the look on his face. There was a fence between us, what was he gonna do? Instead I told him I’d try not to get sweat on it. So I told the lady right where the turtle was and she said not to touch it b/c it was probably a snapping turtle. eeeeek. I was looking for a stick to see if it would bite it earlier to test its biting capabilities before I called. Whoa….close one.

Random thougt: Why do I have my remote control down here with me? I don’t know.

So I hand the golfer guy back his phone through the fence. I told him he would be safe from tonight’s elimination….What else could you ask for? That is a Rock of Love reference in case I’m just talking crazy right now….which is not only possible, it’s highly probable.

Tonight I went to the gym sort of late. I’ve noticed that there are mostly men there when I go late. I could group all the guys there tonight into two groups: "basketball players" and "thuggish" and that was it. I don’t know if it was just the night, or the time or what. Anyways, my low back has been hurting again a lot lately so I’ve been avoiding stiff legged deadlifts and low back extensions for the most part. I’m hoping that picking up hot yoga again will help alleviate it.

Tomorrow will be a nice track workout if it doesn’t rain. I haven’t seen COG (creepy old guy) there yet this year.  School is out so he should be making his appearance soon. His shirt off, his lack of teeth, parking his minivan under a tree up on the sidewalk, sitting in the bleachers watching….hopefully NOT me. Oh, speaking of that minivan of his….the one he parks in the handicapped spot at the gym, then goes in and walks like 7 miles on the treadmill. Well, he got a parking ticket on his van for doing that. hahaaa! Take THAT COG!

Until next time….

Oh, well it looks like it’s time for me to write a little BLOG. ….
B.ryanGee, for the
L.ove
O.f
G.od, please stop harassing me now….
 
I got your threatening PM. I got the "two week reminder" from bb.com….They started texting me, I walked outside, there was an airplane with a banner. It just got out of hand.  I’ve just been busy with Cinco de Mayo, peeps. As most of you know, I am part (5/16) Mexican. I just got home from yet another night of celebrating my heritage. Let’s see, tonight it was laser tag, drag racing , stealing street signs…. all while wearing my giant paper mache sombrero that I made  in the art room in jail last weekend. Then it started raining. Giant sombrero fun over! What’s the point really after that? I, DanicaX Maria Martinez-Hernandez, am done with Cinco de Mayo ‘08!
 
Yes, Fat Head was very melancholy when I got home (see pic) b/c he very much wanted to participate in the celebration tonight. He is from Pueblo, Colorado, but how the heck does HE know that? I have no clue, but I blame that dang doggie daycare. Buncha smartie pants dogs in there and he’s been learning all sorts of new things that I’d rather him not know. Looks like he was up to no good, on the couch drinking beer and watching basketball. He better not have ordered anything off the Home Shopping Network like he did last time I caught him drinking. He’s a mean drunk, too, so I hope he doesn’t start in tonight. 
 
Anyways, I’m excited the weather is getting warmer and I can get some bike rides in. I got to ride to the track yesterday and today, and have gotten to ride to the gym twice in the past week. The weather is supposed to get a little cooler and rainy now I think, so I will have to resort to driving el carro. My back has really been bothering me lately and I’ve been using my inversion table a lot. That really only temporarily gives some relief. I’ve thought about bungie jumping..I think that may somehow straighten me back out. :) No pun intended. Hope everyone is doing well and has a great week!

Alright. I have to write a little something so I don’t bring out anybody’s "Raging Asian" side! You know who you are!

 I can barely walk today. I have just been sort of rolling around to and fro. I did a new lower body circuit on Tuesday which was very hard. Some plyometric moves were in there even. Box jumps were involved…things got ugly from there. Soooo, what did I do yesterday? Oh, I thought it would be a good idea to ride my bike (first time this year) to the track, run stairs and then ride back (uphill). Ummmm, no. It was not a good idea at all. Therefore, today I roll.

Yesterday it was awesome outside at about 73 degrees. Today it is raining and 30 degrees cooler…perfect rolling weather!The first bike ride of the year went very well! Plus, I didn’t get hit (by cars or bullets) or bit (by animals or people). It was perfect bike riding all around!

Last weekend I took a little trip to Pittsburgh to see super cool fellow bodyspacer, King Marmoset! It was a blast like usual and he was very accommodating and awesome! He even let me sit inside his car and not the trunk like last time. Thank you for that!! Oh yes, he is a very nice boy. KM even drove all the way back to the airport to fetch my luggage when it popped up (b/c it was lost!) even though they would have delivered it later. He let me stay behind to clean up the yard. I raked up about 19 Cheeto bags total and a few leaves so I don’t know what is going on over there. I don’t wanna know!

I also got stuck in Milwaukee Friday night. I’m flipping Milwaukee the bird right now!!! The rest of the weekend went better. We cruised in a limo, drank a little too much , seeked out a midget (sadly he had the night off! Can he do that?), worked out, I hurled in the locker room and nobody even held my hair back! Ok, really the working out and hurling order was reversed, as in I really hurled and then worked out. Yep, I drank a little too much the night before, but dammit I wasn’t gonna let that stop me from working out. I felt a little better after that. 

Let’s see….KM took my phone from me and started drunk dialing random people and leaving them messages, his cousin tried to kill me via alcohol poisoning, oh but his brother…..that little boy was the worst one of all! He was very brutal. I think he still has one of my credit cards, but I am too scared to ask for it back. I can’t even look him in the eye, that kid.

Hope everyone is having a super duper week!

Products movin’ fast,
Put away the stash,
And as i sold the last bag f***ed around and got locked up

 
Doh! I was unable to watch my normal programs on Vh1 Sunday due to my weekend stay at the county jail. Long story, but the point is….ain’t nobody watching no Flavor of Love 3 when they up in the Iron City. Pixi, I know you missed them, too! My brain is not able to compute what is going on on I Know My Child is a Star, so I am not even going there.

Maybe if I acted like I hated all those shows they would make me watch them as punishment. Hmmmm.  What is going on in the world anyways? This is why me and what’s-his-face (the dog….I can’t recall his name right now) have been on a roller coaster of emotion all day:
 
-You got Dustin Diamond threatening to shut down Celebrity Fit Club Boot Camp b/c Harvey called him a nazi something or another. Note: He also called Erin Moran a "fire cracker"…..OMG! He totally called her a cracker!
 
-Oh no you dih-ent! Amber like totally lied to Bret Michaels on Rock of Love 2 about her age. Oh, but it’s ok b/c she says she is a tv host and is in a business where she has to be younger than she is….? Oh, Amber….Girl, your secret is safe with all 5 million of us!
 
-Oh, Flav….Will you ever find the perfect woman for you to have your kid # 8, 9 and 10? I vote for the homegirl who cried at your fake funeral when she was reading your eulogy. She really didn’t want you to be dead, even for fake….Oh, and she could read!
 
….and this was NOT on Celebreality, but I think I saw Perez Hilton in the Hip Hop class at the gym tonight. I couldn’t positively ID him w/o comparing his prints with the ones I have on file at home. I got THOSE using the superglue fuming method off some latent prints he left in grease on a KFC bucket. I’ll go ahead and say it was him. I was on the other side of the glass (which, by the way, is better than bars anyday) and I was on a bike. He was wearing a hot pink bandana with a neon pink, green and yellow horizontal striped hoodie with the hood up and a lime green shirt underneath. No pants! And he was gettin’ down with his big bright self. You go, Perez!  Now that seems like a class worth attending!

"Ever received a gift bearing an origination from the Indonesian
island of Sumatra?" I was asked this question as soon as I walked into my probation officer’s office today! What the…..!!! Why would he ask me, of all people, this question!? "Why, yes! Yes, I have as a matter of fact!" I said.
 
Probation officer: "Are you aware that orangutans live only on the islands of Borneo and
Sumatra?"
 
What I think:**It’s getting really weird up in here! Why is he talking about this? I wonder if I should tell him his fly is down.**
 
What I say: "Yes, they and the gibbon are the only apes found outside of Africa.  The orangutans of Borneo can commonly be found skulking about on the ground, but the orangutans of Sumatra never venture on the ground!"
 
Probation Officer:  "Why do you think that is?"
 
What I think: **"Oh man….he must know I used orangutan urine I got from the zoo for that drug test last week! He is so smart! I’m not telling him about the fly."**
 
What I say: "Because tigers prowl the grounds of Sumatra, but they are not found in Borneo!!"
 
HAHAAA! In your face, probation officer!! I bet he thought I didn’t know that!  BTW…I , DanicaX, do NOT talk like that!….Plus I ain’t that smart….Oh, but I think some people may know who DOES talk like that and has a computer brain!! 

Anyways, I did get these flowers (Sumatra Lilies) and they are totally awesome! I have to show them off here b/c nobody has been over to my house so I can show them off. I thought about taking my Sumatra Lilies on a nice walk around the neighborhood so people would ask about them…."Oh, these old things?…..Oh, I just got these flowers sent to me. They are Sumatra Lilies and are pretty much the best flower ever (Yes! Like in a Napoleon Dynamite-ish way!)."  "Oh, well why are you walking around with them? And were those moon boots you were lunging around in yesterday?"  

Here are those rockin’ Lilies!!!!
 

Good thing it is cloudy today b/c I couldn’t get my hands on any sunglasses around this place! Between that dog and that monkey I can’t have anything ever!!! I just do what I’m told. 
 
I watched that Celebrity Fit Club BootCamp show yesterday for the first time. Lt. Dan and Monkey approved it! I think it was the second episode. You got your regular whiners in there, some big fat cry babies and the always loveable Dustin Diamond! Hey, he’s gonna follow their program this time he says! That’s so sweet of him. They had that challenge with giant Q-tip things up on the bridge thing……ha! I don’t know what it was called , but I have a good name for it!—-> Battle on the Bridge With the Giant Q-Tip Things! When Toccara knocked Erin Moran off in the first strike and Erin Moran went flying off I laughed so hard!!! HAHAHAAA! Poor Erin Moran looked appalled. It was great! Joanie loves Toccara!…..NOT!
 
Another upcoming show on VH1….that I Know my Kid’s a Star…..WHAT!!! Wait a minute….let me predict this one. I predict a whole lot of dysfunction going on there. At least VH1 chose a pretty normal and calm host for that show, DANNY BONADUCE! Oh, good lord…..I just hope he doesn’t start getting angry with the poor kids and throwing them across the room or something. He has done that to me before! He’s a strong little guy. If you see him out on his skateboard darting in the middle of traffic and he’s drinking a bottle of vodka….no shirt….has that crazy look in his eyes….maybe he only has one shoe on….DO NOT yell, "hey you crazy Ginger! Get out of the street!" Danny B. can run very VERY fast, even when he’s drunk and only wearing one shoe!

Two is company, three is a crowd!….that’s what Lt. Dan has to say about King Marmoset’s trip to Omaha! That big monkey-lovin’ beast dog knew he was in for a weekend of the universe not revolving around his giant head from the second Marmoset carried in his fleet of suitcases and bags of booze. He even had a 40oz for that hound! Colt 45….t didn’t matter. Oh, I’ve tried tried to get on that dog’s good side by boozing him up before! I don’t know what was going on in Pueblo, CO where he’s from, but he knew that boozin’ trick already.  Buncha damn beer loving hippies running around in that town if you ask me…trying to get all the local hippie dogs intoxicated. I’ve seen it a million times.
 
Most of the weekend was spent in jail for the 3 of us. Never make the dog the getaway driver! That was a lesson learned the hard way. Marmoset took that out on the monkey and broke the poor thing’s arm. This definitely puts a damper on that irish monkey’s St. Patty’s Day festivities. Poor Money Money Monkey; he had nothing to do with the matter. Or did he?! I should break his other arm!!

 
 
We managed to get in a few good workouts: of course the usual sporting good store’s merchandise got abused, then there was the nursing home exercise room after much pleading on my part, and after he managed to steal my good friend right out from under my feet! Senior citizens find Marmoset very, very charming! That is expected from someone who carries travel-sized tubes of denture cream in his pocket at all times. I should have known he would pull that trick, too. We even utilized a regular gym with regular people and equipment! That was only ok…I don’t think either of us are big on conventional workouts. Marmoset did a good job at keeping all the characters at bay for me though. Thanks for that! He used the “I am waaaay crazier than you and I can prove it” tactic. It worked like a charm!
 
As always, Marmoset was awesome, hilarious, spec-freakin-tacular and straight up Kuh-RAY-zeeeee….and that’s when he was sober. You get a little booze in that boy and he’s even better! Here are some pics:

Lt. Dan was gracious enough to let Marmoset use his laptop! 
 

I was, of course, the Designated Driver that night as always!

Singin dollar dollar bill y’all (dollar dollar bill y’all)…. That Easter bunny was passing out myterious plastic eggs filled with prophylactics and Hershey kisses! That is NOT appropriate for church, Easter Bunny!!! You are going straight to bunny hell!

 I put this tent up BY MYSELF!!!

BEEFCAKE!!!!!

Kickin’ stuff

 Jumpin’ stuff

“Weeeeeeeee”…..Notice suspicious man in back…I think he’s plotting to steal that Bowflex

 Too tall for the hanging leg raise….

hmmmm. Ran stairs today, stairs yesterday, stairs the day before……no, no, that wouldn’t be it. It must be from riding the escalator the other day.

Yes, it’s true I really thought I was in for a treat today at the track. I parked in the lot, went throught the zig zag gate, walked up to the track, kicked over all the hurdles, punched the fence, did a little warmup…..and that’s when I saw something awesome! There was a man and woman who parked by me and were walking up to the track. The man was holding something that I swore from a distane was a unicyle! It makes sense. I really thought this was it…my dream of having a man unicycle around the track while I ran stairs was about to come true!

….Maybe he would even let me try the unicycle. They walked closer and closer…..My excitement turned to confusion, then embarrassment, then ANGER!!! Arrrrrrr…..that was not a unicycle at all! It was a wheel measurement thing. I swear to you it looked like a unicycle up til the very end. Hey, I see what I wanna see! He even had that "unicyclist look" about him. You know the type….

He proceeded to wheel the track three times with the fake unicycle/DanicaX dream crusher. They really wanted an accurate measurement. Then they ran while I eyeballed that wheel on a stick and secretly cursed it for being so ugly and boring. Yesterday I had a giant beach ball blowing around and today I was really hoping for a unicycle. Maybe tomorrow.

If you see this device, DO NOT be fooled! It is not what it seems!