Ladies i need you on this(fellas if you’ve figured it out you can help to)!
How many of you here are married or in a relationship? What is a guy to do when no matter what he does you just can’t seem to pick your significant other up and motivate them to lose weight? Yet no matter what your the blame for why it’s not happening. I try to be open and listen to what’s going on but i just hear excuses as to why she isnt’ gett’n into the gym to workout? Help a brotha out,and "Keep It Real"!
July 17, 2008 at 6:47 am
If she does not see the need for change and desire it. She will not go. Continue to affirm her and let her know that you love her and attracted to her regardless. You are an initiator. Once she is secure that your not going anywhere and your committment is not based on her look, she will come along and it will become a lifestyle and not doing something to keep you. Healthy choices will bring you to a healthy destination. I hope that helps…
July 17, 2008 at 6:49 am
That’s a hard discussion to have with your significant other, same thing happened with my ex and I. You can’t make someone want to workout and lose weight, they have to do it on their own. Have you tried to ask to workout with you or do fun things together that is active? Good luck I know I am not much help but all you can do is just keep trying.
July 17, 2008 at 6:51 am
That’s a tough one…there are obviously other issue’s going on (depression possibly). Basically it has to be her choice to do it! As far as what you can do..be supportive and don’t nag her about it. Suggest bike rides and walks, things you can do together. It’s hard to make better suggestions because we don’t know the whole story…good luck hope this helps…
July 17, 2008 at 6:51 am
I don’t think it’s about you…she has to want it for herself or it won’t work. My boyfriend is a total gym rat and when we first started dating he was always trying to get me to go workout at the gym and lift with him, but I was perfectly happy where I was….now I made up my mind and Im at the gym more then him, but it had nothing to do with him. I think you should just let her know how good it makes you feel, but don’t pressure her so that she wants it for herself you know? ( Sorry if this wansnt the answer you were looking for but its all i have
July 17, 2008 at 6:51 am
Well said Infiniteblaq. This is one of those weird things I can’t figure out myself. I’m not currently with someone, but if I find myself with someone out of shape/heavier, how do I reconcile my habits and lifestyle with theirs?
July 17, 2008 at 6:52 am
i found that asking my girl to come help me out on days that i had no work out partner worked a treat. take it slow, introduce her to the weights and maybe she’ll get a love for it too. lots of positive re-inforcement (not going overboard though) builds up self esteem. one thing you should never try to do is force her to join - it seems that women can be a little stubborn at times..
July 17, 2008 at 7:02 am
thank u all of your answers are good,not just with her but with alot of people (guys and girls) i truly believe that you have to go from inside out as far as making changes gotta fix the mental but i also believe that fixin the physical can help start the healing of the mental to some degree i seems that everything is wrapped up all together depress about weight lost eating because you’re depress it’s all crazy. i try and wil continue to be supportive of whatever is troubling her’ once again thank u! "Keep in Touch and Keep it Real".
July 17, 2008 at 7:10 am
Women are stubborn! I know I’m one of them. My partner is a total gym junkie and I was too when we first met. Then I had a baby and during the pregnancy put on heaps of weight from … lots of fast food cravings!! Suprisingly it didn’t just drop off after the birth! I was quite depressed you could say about the amount of weight/fat I had put on…my partner kept telling me to go to the gym and workout…I wanted too … but was so embarrased that everyone would be looking at me at how fat I was… I would eventually go then stop then start again … just a huge rollercoaster…it annoyed me that he kept wanting me to get fit again I felt that he only loved me because of the way I use to look which wasn’t right … he loves me because of me…Anyway you must make sure she knows that you love her no matter what and you want her to be happy…for me to be happy I have to be fit and that’s why I have finally … took a while…got back into the swing of things…I’m looking much better but I’m still have a bit of a way to go…if working out in the past has made her feel good about herself she will eventually come round … if that has never been her thing … then slowly getting her into it with encoragement will, I’m sure, make her learn to love the gym.
July 17, 2008 at 7:15 am
LOVE and PATIENCE!!!
Continue being a role model.
At some point she will need to understand that it’s more than just for the looks, it’s for the mental and physical well-being.
July 17, 2008 at 7:27 am
I DONT THINK YOU CAN,I MARRIED THE LAZIEST,SLOWEST MAN ON EARTH,MY SECOND MARRIAGE BUT I KNEW THAT PRIOR SO I DONT TRY TO CHANGE HIM,I WANT A BETTER WAY OF LIFE, IT ‘S HARD TO SEE THE WEIGHT GAIN FOR SURE SO THEN NEW PROBLEMS ARISE, AND THATS ALL HE HAS HEARD FROM ME,I WONT LIKE YOU ANYMORE IF YOU GET TO BIG. SO HE SAY HE WILL DIET,I AM NOT WAITING I WILL BE THE HEALTHY ONE,AND ONE WHO CAN MOVE FREELY,
GOOD LUCK,
MAMA
July 17, 2008 at 8:03 am
I wish you the very best in your fitness goals first of all, taking care of yourself comes first and it’s the best way to encourage another to do the same. In relation to your partner I think that too often partners try to be everything for one another- friends, lovers, support systems, trainers, nutritionists, counselors etc. The relationship needs to be the foremost dynamic, offering one another dieting and training tips advice can only happen if the receiving party is receptive and willing to it and recognizes it comes out of love instead of criticism. So it’s not up to you to convince your partner to head to the gym; your job is to be her loving partner and friend. Let the professionals cover her training and nutrition- and if you are a professional trainer/nutritionist, hire someone else and remove yourself from that role. That way any tension related to the matter doesn’t affect your partnership.
July 17, 2008 at 8:05 am
I agree with the other’s comments, you can’t make someone want to change. They have to want it for themselves…that being said…support and encouragement (no nagging) is the key. Health aspects also come into play, you want your partner along with you for this ride in life…maybe putting it that way could be helpful…
July 17, 2008 at 8:37 am
A long time ago, I just wanted to be skinny.. didn’t really care about the muscles. My husband tried to get me running w/him and I would end up getting mad at him b/c I couldn’t keep up with him (he’s in the Army). So I wouldn’t really like working out with him or running w/him b/c then he would see how out of shape I really was and I don’t care what women say, you just wanna be hot for your man. You don’t want him thinking, "Damn, I got to get her in the gym." For some reason, he just couldn’t motivate me. It’s weird, I know. We’re complicated. What got me really motivated just recently is I attended some classes at my gym and became friends with one of the instructors. I wanted to prove myself to her (but for some reason, not to my husband a long time ago) so I pushed myself in front of her. I kept going no matter how much it hurt. So maybe, it is because she is comfortable with you and can say "no" too easy. Or maybe it’s a girl competitve thing.. working out with women who look better than me makes me think, "Hey, if she can do it, I can do it." So.. I hope this helps. Just ask her what’s up, but never say things that will hurt her confidence. Then she’ll never go.
Hope this helps.
July 17, 2008 at 9:39 am
Victoria8 said it best. She has to want it herself before she will get into it. Don’t push her…it will only make it worse. Maybe seeing how well you’re doing will inspire her to get into it.
July 17, 2008 at 10:36 am
yes i agee that victoria 8 said it best-also your signifigant other will eventually have a breaking point in her life when something happens like trying on clothes, or just catching herself in the mirror and then not liking what she sees staring back-ONLY then, when that breaking point is reached, will she start to see the need to do something about it, to start being about it and not talking about it. I have a big man for a hasband and it has been hard to get him back in the gym to lose weight for his health and not just for me or for the kids but for him- my advice to you is to simply be a support to her and to not push the issue-maybe is she does get a female friend to wrkout with it will help devrease the intimidation factor that many women feel in the gym-i was one of them! i used to feel that i couldnt wrkout in a gym unless i was in tip top shape…but then one day i realized that getting the baby weight off wasnt going to happen at home so i started it back up again-and look at me now! no turning back for me! GOOD LUCK with this issue-i know its hard, just keep us all posted! ttyl
July 17, 2008 at 10:38 am
THe best advice I can give you is encourage her to go but, if she chooses not to don’t make a big deal out of it, because it will only create a problem for the two of you. It’s best to leave it alone, and posibly try another activity you two can do together like walking, or going out for a run. I went thru the same thing wiht my husband, until I realized the gym ws not his thing, and I stoped naggin him about it.
July 17, 2008 at 10:44 am
Sounds like you two are on two different paths leading away from one another.
July 17, 2008 at 10:44 am
I am married to a wonderful man who just doesn’t love the gym like I do. He supports me and listens to my muscle talk (except I’m also a geek so he gets technical terms, lol) and he feels my muscles for me everytime I ask him if my ‘fill in the blank’ muscle is getting bigger……he’s the only person I can do that to, God love him (and he only rolls his eyes every other time I ask).
As much as I would love for him to go to the gym and workout I can’t force him and that would only put an unnecessary strain on our relationship. I have to be supportive of him in the same way that he is of me……he works hard (just put me through school so I could combine my personal training with holistic nutrition) and is an awesome father to our girls. It would be amazing if he was as passionate about fitness as I was….but he’s not. I’d only make myself miserable if I dwelled on it.
When I go to the gym on the weekend, he stays home with the girls and makes them chocolate chip pancakes ‘from scratch’, mows the lawn, vacuums, does the dishes and gets a few loads of laundry done. If he came to the gym with me, how the heck would all that stuff get done? lol
July 17, 2008 at 10:58 am
i agree, maybe you could invite her along and tell her you want to be her workout partner, once she sees how good it makes her feel she will start loving the gym… and not go for you, but for herself. and if she hates it, there are tons of things you guys can do together that are active outside the gym.
July 17, 2008 at 10:59 am
Well, the only person that you can change is yourself. She has to have a desire to exercise and lose weight. If she doesn’t. there is absolutely nothing that you can do about it. But you can always try bribing her with money or a really nice vacation if she loses a certain amount of weight.
July 17, 2008 at 11:06 am
Well. I think the best you can do is present every possible benefit of going to the gym and working out. It can be very beneficial individually, or as a couple. I garee with Mwtag in that positive reinforcement is the hey. I agree with the others, however, in that if people just dont want to do something, they wont. It may be because they are stubborn or lazy, or see dont see the ‘costs’ as as bad as it seems.You cant force them. Is any exercise being done at home? Its sad to say, tranferring blame is easy. Its just easier to deal with issues or problems. I wouldnt feel bad about that, if you have tried eveything you can.
July 17, 2008 at 11:07 am
*mwatg. Keep on believing. Hopefully, it will change!
July 17, 2008 at 11:10 am
Well, I’m sort of in the same situation but he seemed to switch gears yesterday and decided that he is going to start.
He has a love for bodybuilding but really hasn’t done anything to get it going. His diet was terrible and I would just make fun of his food actually. He told me yesterday that it hurt his feelings but that it actually motivated him. (I didn’t know it was hurting his feelings but made comments in a joking manner.)
Also, though, I think it is because he saw that I have been so serious about it and enthusiasm can be contagious.
I wouldn’t suggest making fun of her, but maybe the food. I called it artery clogging and would ask him if he ate anything that didn’t come out of a McDonalds wrapper and asked him when the last time it was he took a vitamin. I know it sounds bad but it did work (so far). Only time will tell if he follows through.
Health is a really serious thing. So I would use any method to get the one you love to be healthier! Sometimes it has to hurt because it’s something they can help!
July 17, 2008 at 12:08 pm
I’m married and I’m going through that with my husband. He’s gained a lot of weight recently. He eats a lot of junk and doesn’t exercise and I think it’s because he’s been depressed and has stopped caring about his appearance. I want him to get healthy again because I want him to be with me for a long time, but I also know pushing the issue won’t help.
I with I had good suggestions, but the only thing I can say is to continue to love and support her. She needs to decide for herself to make that lifestyle change for herself and she’ll need a lot of support when that does happen. Good luck to you and to her!
July 17, 2008 at 12:31 pm
Encourage her ,not in a pushy way. That’s all you can do! She has to want it, or it will never happen!! It’s really nice you are looking out for her, but you can only do so much
July 17, 2008 at 12:37 pm
Shoot, i have the SAME problem with my husband. He gets with it for a little while and then quits. He is a bit overweight and i don’t want to push and bug him about working out and eating healthy. I just feel guilty when i don’t say anything cause i really do care. You do have to give them time, don’t give up but don’t bug them to death about it. I try to compliment my husband when he does make progress and make his meals a little healthier. Stay positive about it and not nit pick.
July 17, 2008 at 12:54 pm
i had this problem.. i dont know what your wifes body/health is like.. but look at it in the veiw pint of health. If you say things about her body she may get offended. But if she isnt eating right or working out then she is UNHEALTHY and may develop diseases in the future (heart disease which is a number 1 killer of women, diabetes, stroke etc etc, especially if it runs in her family) My hubby was always thin and didnt eat well or workout b/c he thought he didnt NEED to, but i just kept healthy items in the house, and secretly traded out item (1 % ,milk for the 2 % etc) i simply set a good example and he finally came around. hes been working out consistenly for 4 years now and eating healthy foods!. (of course when he found his cholesterol to be high that spurred him into action)It has to be your wifes choice and descision or she wont stick to it anyways. if she is over weight she already feels bad about her self more than likely. Just be a good example with the food/consistent workouts, do fun exercises together (walks, sports) to make it fun. this is your new lifestyle and she will come around when she wants to make it hers too : )
good luck
kelly
July 17, 2008 at 1:22 pm
I think some women, especially if they are overweight or out of shape really take offense to someone telling them they need to get in shape. It’s not so much what you are saying, yet it is probably a reaction that is coming from her own insecurities.
I have had 3 children and I have fluctuated in my weight many times in the last 7 years. If someone even mentioned me needing to get back in shape, I immediately made excuses to make it okay.
The truth is, I didn’t feel good about myself. You would think that would motivate someone, but not everyone is the same.
My hubby is in no way fat or anything, but I desperately want him to hit the weights hard. I would love him to have more muscle definition and a sexy six-pack. But to him it’s not necessary. And maybe your woman is just the opposite and has such a high self-esteem that she feels she looks great as she is.
I agree with others in saying that it has to be her choice. Maybe keep some resources around like fitness magazines or things she might pick up and look at. I know pictures of those fitness models in Oxygen always motivate me to get off my lazy butt! Good luck!
July 17, 2008 at 2:00 pm
wow.. you have so many responses.. My girlfriend wasn’t into fitness. After several months (now a year and a half) of just my fitness as a lifestyle she started to pick up on it with me. jogging here and there.. Started eating a bit healthier.. especially when I wouldn’t go to some of the places because of the food.. or worse for me.. the domestic brew. Now she’s a 6 day a week workout queen and 1200 claories 6 meal a day girl. She generated the interest herself when she started to see it was something we could do together.
July 17, 2008 at 2:04 pm
You say keep it real…so here’s my opinion. Why does she have to lose weight? Fitness is YOUR choice. Either you love her for who she is, and that means listening to the whining (we all have crosses to bear…lol) or you don’t. You should make her feel like you could love her no more if she was the most fit lady in the world and not so that she’ll be "motivated" to lose weight, but because it’s true. I think it’s so weird that people always want you to change and we think that it’s okay for us because we just "want what’s best for them." I like working out because that’s who I am and I don’t want anyone to bother me about it; bring up an idea once and if I’m interested I’ll pursue. I think I owe everyone the same courtesy.
July 17, 2008 at 3:30 pm
Good question..there can be many reasons and its probably a combo pack, as usual for women. If she not the outdoorsy/athletic type/have a background of some time of exercise, it’s all foreign to her. Really it is.
If it is, it can really to much bother/lack of time to start of correctly. You could get a trainer for her..that’s always a good, intelligent start.
One can’t expect someone, especially a woman who may have some weight to loose to just up and dive right into it without knowing really what to do/how to get started.
You should have this talk though..and more than once..you could ask her exactly why she doesn’t like to exercise or keep healthy-lack of time, don’t know what to do, hate it, etc..it’s all excuses. With women, there are always issues of lack of self-confidence, looking stupid in the gym, guys making fun of you, etc..it runs the gamut. If you have the opportunity/time to workout with her..this is very good..the support she needs!:) This is an issue to tread lightly on..I train a lot of women who just needed someone to talk to about what to do/how to get started and get over the confidence hurdles.. Tread slowly but persistently with love and support.. wish you the best!:)
July 17, 2008 at 4:13 pm
Hey my friend…
I have learned a long time ago that it is hard to motivate a person to do something if they are not motivated within themselves to do it. My hubby was not ready to lose weight UNTIL I started to lose and look better. He started being embarrassed to be seen with me because he felt that people were thinking.."why is she with him?" I made it a point to take alot of pictures of us together, partly because I love him no matter what, but also because it made him look in the mirror. And it worked!! He lost 35 pounds, does 200 pushups a day and is motivated to workout. He had to take a look at himself to muster up the resolve to lose the weight and workout. You keep working out and looking good and she will be motivated eventually to do the same. Be her example. That is HUGE!!!!!!
July 17, 2008 at 4:52 pm
Yikes!!! Well, no matter WHAT the issue, you canNOT "make" someone do something that YOU want them to do. They have to do it b/c THEY want to. Sometimes knowing WHAT to do is harder than actually DOING it. Then, once a person is motivated to DO something about their weight, if they are doing it wrong and not getting results, it is discouraging. Maybe suggest she hire a PT/nutritionist to help get her started (she could even do it online) and give her ALL the support and encourgement you can muster. I have NO support WHATSOEVER and get nothing but negative comments from my friends. It is EXTREMELY difficult to advance under those circumstances. So be her cheerleader, her rock, even her wo partner, go with her to the gym, eat what she eats - be supportive without nagging.
July 17, 2008 at 5:56 pm
I think all of the points have been covered. Really, it’s up to her to make those changes. No one likes to be nagged by their partner. Just be a good role model for her
In my case I got "scared" into the gym, lol. There’s alot of nasty degenerative diseases that run in my family! As vain as we are concerning our looks, it’s the health concerns that make it easier to exercise and eat clean.
Making changes in our lifestyles are tough. But once you are motivated it gets easier.
July 19, 2008 at 8:44 am
Keep being an example for her and show her that you love her regardless. She has to do it for herself, and herself only or the results will be temporary. My husband has come full circle…only because he has seen the difference it has made in my life.
July 23, 2008 at 7:37 am
I have to agree with the first response you got. And also first and foremost being her loving partner. You can be a big influence by just continuing what you are doing. She needs to know that you accept and love everything about her. If there is and attitude change she will know and she will not be cooperative. Encourage her to do other fun exercise related activities outside the gym.
She will com around when she is ready. Best wishes to you I know its hard to sit back.
July 23, 2008 at 7:48 am
Hey there! That’s a tough situation to be in - it is always so HARD to see someone sabotage themselves and want to SO BADLY help them! I know a few people who sometimes go down a self-destructive path, and there is simply nothing I can do about it but let them know that I’m there for them. I comfort myself with, "If they trust me enough, they will come to me for help when they are ready". So I try to be sympathetic and be a good listener, because I believe that excess weight is often a mask for inner pain. I wait, and when they are at the stage where they are ready to make HUGE changes, I am there to hold their hand.
Good luck.