Losing it…

Thought I’d better write something now. I’m on the train, coming home from work. Finding it a bit awkward to put the time aside to pour out these thoughts, but I know it’s important. How quickly I forget why I’m doing something.

At the moment I have some twisted notion that I might be going to London towards the end of the month to meet some long-time heroes (this is related to competition that it’s highly unlikely I’ll ever win, but it’s serving as a convenient stick/carrot).

This is day 4 of sticking almost completely to the Fighter Diet. I say ‘almost’ not because I’ve fallen off the wagon but because I am allowing myself one or two divergences from Pauline’s strict rules and guidance. These are (in the main) related to milk. I love to have a latte in the morning. Skinny of course, but you’re still looking at a fair few carbs. This is one of those things for me that makes the day worth living, and my other trainer said that I could have one per day to start with. I’ve had 2 today, actually, but I also met up with friends which usually means cake and other lard-related activities, so I’m not feeling so bad about that. I am trying to acclimatise to espresso, but I really don’t like it too much.

Tonight is my friend’s last night living with us, and I am going to make something nice for tea. By nice, I mean something like a hearty chilli with quorn mince and lots of fresh veggies. Big pile of broccoli instead of rice (for me anyway). Going to get some more of this Greek 0% fat yoghurt that Pauline pointed me towards via Facebook – it’s ultra tasty with a bit of Splenda mixed in. Hubby and friend may well have chocolate and cake, and that’s going to be a bit of a strain today; I can feel my hormones raging (time of the month) and demanding dopamine in chocolate form. I’m going to stuff myself fully with veggies and yoghurt.

Weights seem to be going okay. In fact it’s cardio I have found hard to get to this week, as though my schedule/body will only let me get away with one or the other. I am struggling a bit to wake up in the morning, which could be cycle-related. If I could get up 30 mins earlier, I could do both.

So. My resolve remains intact. I feel like if I can make it through this week with my hormones playing havoc with my emotions and physical operations… I can do this.

I *must not* allow myself to run out of any key foods:

Frozen veg

0% fat yoghurt

Splenda

Wheat bran

Pistachios.

I find myself back here again, 6 months later and probably a stone (14lbs) heavier than I was in March. ****ed up.

But. I have made a decision, just a quiet little decision in my head, to get on with this and stop wasting time. How long have I been procrastinating about this now? 2 years? 3? I have had some good and sound advice from a couple of bodybuilding pros. I have paid a couple of eTrainers (with varying levels of success - you must choose carefully, the world is full of sheisters). I know now what I want in my heart, just me, no bull****. I know what makes me happy and what makes me unhappy.

I am not going to make a big song and dance out of this. I am simply going to do it and that is all. I have about 70lbs to shift and I will do it by next summer - when I will be going away to some sunny place to be reunited with my best girlfriends. I am getting on with it. Taking the best of the advice I have been given and working with it.

I will blog here as often as I can, just before sleep seems a good time, to keep myself focused and on track. And we shall see. Measurements tomorrow.

Here goes.

I’ve been fending off the carb slump today. I find my concentration goes all to hell, and I end up staring out of the window way more than usual. Also I want to just curl up and sleep. This will pass, I know, because I did it before!

I’ve also been eating tons of sugarfree gum and mainlining Coke Zero like there’s no tomorrow.

Tonight I also faced the supermarket challenge - going on my own, when I know there’s only me to see and judge what I am going to buy. Except now it’s not… because I would have to tell Pauline. This is where I have been falling down since January; I can’t control that voice in my head insisting that no one need know, it’s only one [insert junk food item here].

I will stand and look at the chocolate display, fighting that voice, and eventually I will give in. And you know what? It sounds stupid but I give in because I actually don’t think I am worth anything more. The voice siezes upon the cracks in my self esteem, and it knows them well. I have been like this since I can remember. What makes you think it’s going to be any different this time? I know you’re not strong enough, so you might as well give in now. What’s the point? You will never look like [insert someone I admire here] so you might as well give it up. Buy the chocolate. Buy it. I might stand there for 2 or three minutes; why do you suppose they always put candy in the checkout isle? Precisely for this reason. Just long enough for this argument to ensue, and for the green eyed monster to find the killer blow and then as I’m putting the chocolate on the conveyor belt… Told you. You’re hopeless. How could you imagine this turning out any other way? And lo, the prophecy is fulfilled. I overeat because I am rubbish, and worthless, and I am worthless and rubbish because I overeat. Rinse and repeat, for the last 25 years of my life.

Fully aware I probably sound like a crazy person, but it’s the only way I can describe the process. There’s this other me that literally takes over, and she knows all my weaknesses, she knows exactly how to break me down. It is absolutely like schizophrenic eating - and that’s even how it seems to people on the outside. My friends are like… ‘hold on, I thought you were only eating protein and vegetables? What’s with the Reese’s Pieces?’ And I’ll just shrug. What’s the point of trying?

I don’t feel like this when I run. When I run, I picture myself running away from the green eyed monster, and I am running to catch up with this distant other me, who is never troubled by the monster and who is not swaddled in ugly rolls of fat. It’s cathartic, freeing. I love to run.

It’s partly why I wanted to do this 10k run. Another reason is that I have a legitimate reason to think of myself as an athlete - a weapon to fight back against attacks of what’s the point? at the supermarket checkout.

Well - you said long emails, and there you go. It makes me feel like crying when I realise how far I have to go, but I think it makes it a little easier to think that maybe I don’t have to go it alone.

Yours,
Ruby
*hiding from the monster*

…until refeed hour!

This is an idea I got from watching Tiffany Forni’s BB.com webcast last week. When I was training with Pauline, I was having a refeed day once a week, which involved me eating a bunch of carb-heavy foods (cereal, bread) during the day with a little protein and as little fat as possible. The problem with this is that it leads to a full day of pigging out, inevitably eating more than I ought to and ending up feeling like a stuffed piñata. No good. What Forni does (and she was BB.com’s female transformation of the year) is have a ‘refeed hour’ each week, during which time she is free to cram herself with as much crap as she wants. Her particular cravings include cookies and cookie dough, pound cake (not sure what that is, but it’s cake so I’m sure it’s nice!), cream, ice cream, pasta, bread… everything she has been wanting all week. Afterwards I’m sure she’s still stuffed, but it’s a concentrated period of time after which all left-overs are destroyed and binned. Your body’s ’starvation’ mode is reset after a week of deprivation and low-carbness, shocked out of any metabolic slowdown resulting from dieting. Not everyone agrees with the physiological theory behind this, but for me it also holds a huge mental benefit. Knowing each week that you have this ‘golden hour’ which means that whatever pops into your head during your weak moments in the week can be filed away as ‘coming soon’ (rather than NO WAY EVER, which to me at least equals depression and greater weakness).

Tonight I’ll be mostly having… Curry, naan bread, pain au chocolat, cookie dough and reese’s pieces (which you can’t often buy in the UK, so it’s a real treat!)

Bon appetit à moi

Down to 202 lbs this morning from a starting point of 206 last weekend. That sure feels good.

Last night I ended up going out with some friends after work - ‘out’ in the sense of drinking, rather than food (although consumption of food did ensue later).

Alcohol is a tricky one. YMMV, and obviously there are tremendous downsides to drinking that don’t need to be elaborated upon here, but I do find it a bit dull if I go out and can’t have a couple of bevvies. It happens maybe once a month at the outside, and I never get so drunk that I’m sick, or don’t know what I’m doing. Anyway, your body treats alcohol as a sugar and so it’s not exactly conducive to weight loss. I choose, therefore, to always drink either vodka and diet coke or (if I’m feeling extravagant) tequila and diet coke when I go out. The rationale behind this is something along the lines of vodka being the purest kind of alcohol (with no other sugary or fatty crap added to it as there is in something like Baileys, which is my all time favourite tipple), and so combined with diet coke (calorie free) it’s basically the least calorific way to consume alcohol, if you are going to do so. Best to avoid it altogether, I should imagine… but I did have fun last night :- ) (…and the scales say it’s okay that I did!)

I thought I’d post a picture of what I brought to work this morning - protein shake, veggies, chicken, salmon, beef jerky (and also, but not in the picture, pistachio nuts and fresh baby spinach).

Gym was great; did chest exercises today and 30 mins cardio.

Rock on.

Tuesday was the first time in maybe a month that I really hit the squat rack, and oh my - I am suffering for it now. I am walking around like some 80 year-old woman, looking at stairs as though they were Mount Everest or something. DOMS suck big time, but I suppose the very literal pain in my ass is a good thing (for a change!) Just means it’s working.

Here’s something I always struggle with - drinking enough water. I have been reading up, and the UK government recommends 2.5 litres a day, plus more if you are working out. I don’t get anywhere near that, and it’s a real effort to make sure I’m getting enough liquids. So I’ve started carrying around a 1.5 litre bottle at the gym and at work, so that I know exactly how much I have drunk during the day. Lightly flavoured (but sugar-free) water works best for me - plain old water makes me gag for some bizarre reason. Added bonus - cold water is supposed to help speed up metabolic rates. It’s all good.

Another hitch I always hit upon - eating out. Yesterday was a good example. I ended up having steak for lunch, with steamed vegetables. Steak is fattier than I would normally have, but everything else was starchy or fried. Of course then they brought it with onion rings (which I gave to someone else) and boiled new potatoes. I ate 2 small potatoes, but guiltily left the rest. I hate wasting food, but potatoes are really not where it’s at for a low carb diet! It’s not like I’m some social butterfly who is out every day eating in fancy restaurants. Far from it. But I am fairly often invited out with work colleagues, and in the UK it’s so difficult trying to communicate what you need to waiting staff without feeling like a complete freak. If you ask for a grilled chicken breast and steamed veggies (broccoli, spinach etc) and specify ‘Please, no olive oil, sauces or anything!’ they will inevitably bring you veggies soaked in butter. Because to them that’s not an oil. And naturally, being British, it goes against our very nature to kick up a fuss and send food back. We just don’t do that here! So eating out can become a real pain in the arse (in a different and wholly unwelcome way to the actual pain in my arse right now!)

On a related note, it’s sometimes hard to explain to others what you’re trying to attempt. I just went for a drink with a lovely young student friend of mine, and as she got to the coffee house first she had very kindly bought me a drink. Only it was their house hot chocolate, which is so sickly you can stand your spoon up in it. But… I know for a fact that she is extremely broke, and I couldn’t crap all over her sweet gesture. So I drank it, knowing full well I was partially negating my excellent morning’s workout. Shite. I need to grow a spine and stop worrying about hurting people’s feelings, ah?

Anyway. Enough rambling. I feel very motivated today, and nothing is going to get me down.

Breakfast:
I thought breakfast might end up a disaster. Last night I weighed out the oat bran and separated all the eggs, and looking at the ratio of one to the other (i.e. not a lot of bran, shitloads of egg) I was thinking ‘This is going to be disgusting.’ I’m having 70g of oat bran (I know I will have to reduce this eventually) and 6 egg whites with one yolk. This is based on something I read about Tiffany Forni and what she ate when she was starting out. I also added quite a bit of sweetener (here in the UK we can’t get Stevia as it’s not legal, so I’m using your regular supermarket aspartame variety, which unfortunately contains maltodextrin) and maybe 10-15g of chocolate mint flavoured protein power, purely for the flavour. I then shoved the lot into a small saucepan and whisked it over a low heat. (I’m not entirely sure why I felt the need to whisk it, but eggs just seem to ask for whisking!)

It looked vile at first, that horrible stringy egg texture wasn’t mixing with the oat bran at all. But after a minute or two over a low heat (not enough to make it bubble) the mixture firmed up and started to look like porridge. A word of warning - don’t overheat the mixture; there was some solid white eggy stuff stuck to the bottom of my pan, and I suspect that if you warm it too much or too quickly, you’ll end up with an oaty omelette. Ew.

I’ve done weights this morning at home - shoulders and biceps today. I was supposed to be going in to work to use the proper gym (i.e. the machines) but I have ended up working from home and so chose the body groups that I have equipment for here. After weights I did 25 mins on the elliptical (multitasking by listening to my learn French podcasts on my iPhone!) and now I’m showered, dressed and sitting at my desk ready to work, and it’s only just 8.30am. So that’s a good morning’s work, if you ask me.

I bought some salmon last night - pre-cooked, sliced into superthin pieces - and I’m thinking about it now as I type. I do love fish! Especially sushi, but that only tastes good from restaurants. I’ve given up trying to roll my own.

Darn, I made myself hungry!

Laters…

My routine:
Day 1. Legs - Lunges, Leg press, squats

Day 2. Back - Lat pulldown, rows
Triceps - Triceps ext

Day 3. Shoulders - shoulder press, dumbbell raises
Biceps - reverse BB curl

Day 4. Chest - push-ups, incline DB press

Every day:
Cardio - 1.5hr
Abs

Today:
Excellent workout this lunchtime.
It’s Tuesday (so day 2 of my four-day split) but I went for a leg workout anyway, as my legs and glutes are always the last to respond to training/weightloss.
I did my sets as described above - it’s been a while since I hit the squat rack, so I dropped my weight down to 40kg (from 45kg when I last went) because I want to be able to walk tomorrow. As it is I think I’m going to struggle!
Lunges are of the devil - I always get to the point where I feel like any moment my knees are going to just give out and I’m going to go sprawling on the floor like the big clumsy idiot that I am.
Leg press is my favourite leg exercise, because I can really push the weight on that (88kg today) without the worry of falling over that you have with squats or lunges.
I did three sets of 25 crunches in between my lunges (just for the opportunity to lie down and rest my legs!) and then headed for my favourite treadmill and cranked up the tunes.
I wanted to do 45 mins cardio at approx 60-75% max heart rate, but my legs were already feeling like they might give so I dropped it to 30 mins. It’s actually hard to keep my heart rate under 75%, especially since I’d already broken a sweat on my leg exercises. I dropped my speed right down to 5.5kph at one point but kept the incline up which kept my heart in the right zone.
Back to work then, threw a bag of veggies (broccoli, cauliflower and carrots) in the microwave and combined it with chicken breast and loads of soya sauce. I know carrots aren’t the ideal low carb vegetable, but the easy microwave packs always seem to have them in (probably because they’re cheap) so until I find something preferable, they’ll have to do.
Feel pretty good right now - got my bottle of Coke Zero for the afternoon - but I know my legs are going to be complaining big time tomorrow (and the next day, like as not).
Still. I feel like if I can keep my food on track - the micro veggies are a great discovery - I am going to start dropping those lbs pretty quickly.
Laters…