Alicias Blog

My body is completely sore, bloated, and quite frankly in shock of how much change I think my diet is going through.  Ive been drinking alot more water, I didnt get rid of my iced tea though! Which is bad but a girls gotta have some treats.

Ive been trying to get a workout of sorts in every day- whether its the gym or p90 or todays event trail hiking and waterfall cliff jumping.

My long term boyfriend I think sensed that I was becoming depressed, beyong the norm. My once happy go lucky self has been rather calm and quiet these days - just living- but for no real purpose it seems.

It was a terrific day though, the cliffs are huge, the highest being 50 feet high- of course I did mostly the baby ones, I have a dear of heights.  I almost did a 20 footer and was mustering the courage up when more people came to the spot right when I was about to jump- Welll that sort of ended the day- very self concious in a swim suit! I never got dressed so fast haha.

Well it was a nice 5 hour date, subway sandwhiches-water- and a tiny bit of diet soda- not too bad.  Again it was awkward saying goodbye- I never like to- and before I left he made sure I was wearing my ring (I take it off in water/shower) its a promise ring of course…a promise that he would get me an ‘engagement ring’.( I got him a really nice one too, Im veryyy proud of it).
As he drove off, as I usually let him go first, I wondered in my head what was going to happen, along with if I was ever going to get a body-builing physique like he has now : (…. I sometimes miss the heavier version of him, he wasnt ever fat to me, but he did have alot of ‘extra’ to him I guess…but I didnt feel ugly or worry so much if I had flub. Now I’m obsessed with being good enough to stand near him.  Which to me is sad, i think every woman is beautiful in her own way, but I dont feel even normal in my own skin without make up and my hair being done, and my body being hidden. Its really not healthy I know, which is why I really wanted to keep to the new diet… Its sooo difficult when relationships rule your hormones though.

Im currently looking for my own apartment, Ive been staying with relatives during this time off- and need to I think rebuild ‘me’ or find out who ‘me’ even is.
With these confused blurry thoughts Im going to finish homework and attempt to sleep..I have work tomorrow, I called out today to go out, bad move but alas the heart wants what it wants.

   Well today I decided to go to the gym, partly because I miss the atmosphere in a way, and partly because my long term boyfriend claimed he missed me and the gym is sort of ‘our thing’ …..or it used to be.  Now he takes his best friend, brother whom I havent spoken to since I moved out, and his best friends girlfriend.  Theyre always together, this possy along with his other friends and family..and he enjoys excluding me from his group.  This time I decided to say hi but not even try to get in the mix of things, I dont belong with them. The fact that these people were in my gym though, with  him, when it was our time, since we dont have date nights and see each other what ..maybe  once a week? I was beyond upset.

   The way I show anger is usually through over-training. I went in at 9:10pm and walked out at 11:30pm.   I let him and his "group" do theyre ridiculous routine, its one thing to have one spot but I honestly think it was retarded…possibly because Im still silently angry. 

I did back and biceps, I did every excersize fully until I couldnt move, and then punched the bag for a good 25 minutes, sadly I dont have gloves and I broke my skin yet again on my hands.

At the end of my long work out- we parted ways, which was even more strange because we had lived together for over a year and now we live seperately..I absolutely hate this situation and its killing me. 5 years Ive put into this and its the same childish games? I want a family and kids..BEFORE 30! Oiy……..

Im beyond stressed, I ate a low cal tuna salad when I got home, lots of iced tea, but did munch on some shrimp scampi that was somehow left in my fridge. Bad move but I COULD of gone for the ice cream, and believe me I can eat like half a tub in one sitting easily…Im sick I know haha…..

Well here I am patheticly writing on some random blog that I just recently started to write in again, cant sleep, my hands ache, and work tomorrow is my "monday" ..ugh….Not feeling it……my days off were spent studying Judaism for a world relegion class (really amazing class though)…but Im tired, and sad, and frusterated.

Im sure anyone who reads this will probably just be confused- Im sorry- but again its my blog and I had to attempt to write out ’some’ of my thoughts…Im more of a ‘painter’ type person when it comes to letting out feelings.

On a side note I assembled my p90 chin up bar all by myself!

Alright so day one of the program I woke up with full enthusiasm to start this off! Well the problem was I haven’t bought the "Pull Up Bar" yet due to trying to spread out my budget (Im a waitress, I rely on tips to survive at all haha)…This didn’t stop me! I got my tiny set of dumbells out that I bought honestly.. ages ago -like when I was 14- to do some sort of shoulder excersize as a replacement for this week only, and it worked out great actually because you can actually choose to do the resistent bands (so I did that movement but with dumbells to get the "feel" that i was doing a pullup). 

Day 01- Chest and Back-  I liked this workout, I was able to complete it without too much a struggle, I was super weak afterwards due to all the crazy push ups you learn in it…The last 10 minutes were hard "nose dives" are hard as heck for me, I felt retarded trying haha!  It also does shoulder work in the DVD too so its a good upper body day for sure! I loved it : ).

Day 02-Polymetrics-  Today I woke up sore, I mean soooree. In the chest its maybe half way sore, not too bad, but my entire STOMACH feels tender. I didnt even do abs yesterday, what the flip? I know I know "push ups strengthen abdominals" but Ive never felt this before, not since the one time I did leg pulls ups with weights for the first time and even then it wasnt this bad. Well, at least i didnt need to pullup bar today. Nope just maybe an extra set of legs? Haha, lower body work out plus an intense cardio burn, I was so whiped out I even hit pause one time just to take a few deep breaths. This dvd has got to be the best thing for cardio, I mean it keeps you going by using leg power. Not going to lie at the end I could barely even do what they were doing, I felt like a pansy but Ill get stronger : ).

Diet- Today I plan to get some more chicken breasts, veggies, and fruit (craving berries for the first time), and also some protein shakes/bars for snacks (especially at work where Im on my feet 8 hours a day with no breaks-casino life).

Day 01- Protein Shake (meal 1)

            Protein Bar (snack)

           Skinless chicken on whole wheat bun +romane lettuce+ slice of tomatoe +fruit cup (meal 2)

I didnt get to eat for four hours due to class ( i had coffee I KNOW bad baddd! with splenda)

Fish+greenbeans+avacadoe slice (Meal 3)

Drank water and iced tea as my nightly treat  : ) (I miss ice cream already)

 Day 02- Today

(1:00pm) Fish + green beans

(3:00pm)- Handful of mixed nuts

(5:30pm)- Probably a protein bar because I need to go shopping today!!!

Speaking of which I gotta get going, Ill make sure to put the next few days on a more organized layout sorry!!!!!!

When I choose to live with my love, he told me it was for us to have a trustworthy relationship and of course it sounded lovely. A year after, he stopped coming home as often…saying he was at his parents more and more. The more I questioned him- the more we fought- the more lonely I began to become. I lost sight of everything in life. Well I eventually got kicked out so to speak, I told him i wouldnt ever forgive him and that  I wanted to end things but "he didn’t see things that way" so we remained together. Its the hardest time of my life- I work full time and go to college full time, and dedicated to my gym work outs…but my love life has ruined my goals. Thats when I decided I wanted a new routine to mix it up and ventured to spend my money on myself for a change- Instead of going to movies by myself (both best friends recently moved to LA!! AHH soo ALONe <=( ….!!! )..

Sooo I took advice from one of these sed friends, and am going to start p90x as a confidence boost ..I mean if it WORKS. I really want to shape up and feel better about my body. I want to be worth something to myself I suppose; so I ordered the set but need to get the pull up bar at weights. I only have a 15 lb dumbell someplace haha.

Ill post photos of before and after : )

Ab definition, the one thing we all strive for or secretly wish to obtain (for those who are begining there journey or even continuing!). Myself, I go high and low, and its awful to not have a steady diet or work out routine these days. I have full time college work, a full time job, and a boyfriend who I try to spend time with but its hard when we have complete opposite schedules and now days off : (.. He is ALSO my lifting partner who decided, with my other partner to go to a different time (which is when Im working) so my  motivation is low. However the other day while swimming, tan women with the perfect figure made me feel fat and hideous. I absolutely hate my appearance lately, and I know its awful to say but its true. Im white Euro mix for the most part with a dabble of other things…Im "curvy" meaning I have an unusual build that most others dont have..I have some upper abs but NO lower abs…

Point blank. I need to lose more fat..Staying anywhere from 19 to 16% body fat simply isnt working out for me.

Problem is how?

How can I get that definition when Im a Power lifter? Ive heard tons of things, more cardio, cardio on different days, even less calories, more calories, cold water, work out longer, work out short with more intesnity, interval training(great stuff)…but what works? Ive tried millions of things, sometimes i look better, but i dont know how I did it really.

Im confused and baffled to this, because at times I DO eat the same thing everyday (not all good), and i do know sleep plays a role….but I can lose weight and look flabby. So what the flip?

Ive been training for 3-4 years and still not a dream girl, Ive never felt worse.

I really wish there was a way for me to lose this all for once, and keep it away for everrrr…Im so sick of being self-conscious!!!!!!  Am I strong? Hell yes. Am I beautiful? Not really.

I need to get lean, but going to the gym after work (where Im literally running back and forth all day) isnt the best thing anymore, due to my aching knees *been taking fish oil*…and boxing was great but now i have no one to train with.

10 minute Trainer looked neat to me, which is a shocker, i hate infomercials, but im so desperate for my goal…and terribly tired while writing this so excuse me if its all over the place (as per usual haha).

I love bodybuilding, but I need the body, to build on it….. : (…*sad face*

Need heelllp…Im never going to be a model figure at this rate! Comments please <: ).

Hot Rox? Or something else? Im trying to find something without caffeine, since Im immune to it!

If you have any input on this let me know : )…yes i know its horrible to take pills and they arent ‘very effective’ but who knows!

I am in desperate need of a lifting partner! However Im not sure if its safe to blurt out anything personal on here or not, or where I would go to find one. I could just ask someone in the gym but I hate asking for a spot at times. I want someone whos serious about lifting like I am, and who enjoys it. Any suggestions on finding someone? My friends all think Im weird because of it, sooo they aren’t much help.

Alrighty thats all for now!

New photos coming soon~!

I want to start really getting serious, and stop messing up everything, even when emotional trauma strikes my life. If anything, I want my weight lifting to be the one thing that is constant, and also something I can set goals in, that ARE acheevable. Lets face it, when we reach the goal, we want more, but at the same time, build confidence .

Right now im thinking of taking new supplements to help me reach my main goal. Gaining muscle, fat loss too but that will be second-hand at this point.

So far these are my options for muscle gain, and for more intense performance, I need the focus! I have a hard time sometimes, especially when I feel bored or a lot is on my mind. Also, when Im angry, and take my aggression out in the gym, I tend to wear out quick  because I do not pace my self correctly! Which COULD be good, if I were to superset everything all at once. Anyways, heres the list of options : P

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So far, the only thing bad about my diet is I for some reason bought spinache dip and crackers. Dont ask i had a craving, that and too much trail mix! BUT, I found out that 500 extra calories from peanuts alone, do not affect your fat loss based on scientific studies!!! 

My progress as far as cardio has booted its way up, Im started to really nail down and get dirty. Ive knocked out some bad eating habbits, one being drinking (which isnt ‘eating’ but it qualifies under nutrition), and soon my ice cream. I decided for my cheat day ill get a chai tea from starbucks, made with non fat milk. Im still having big problems dieting because Im so sick of chicken, fish, brocolli, salads. Nothing seems ‘good’ to me anymore, I have no interest in it because its so bland. Even eggs and my famous oatmeal has no appeal…Im trying not to eat bread lately, and believe me, I LOVE bread, but THAT TOO doesnt catch my attention. I could avoid bad foods very easily if I were to be more creative cooking, but im out of recipes and ideas…….Oiy im kind of frusterated, I really really, soooo badly want to lose weight that im going crazy. I CAN do it, I WILL do it, but I wish I had help!! Geeze who would of thought its so much harder alone when you dont have a bodybuilder boyfriend ? Well anyways, we shall see what happens in the next few months…..if anyone has suggestions on recipes let me know..because i read alot of what people say and its the same old stuff…..im in a rut!!

So I managed to get my body fat down to normal 18.2%. Not bad after two weeks, I was close to 23 precent before!! The only issue Im having is with the scale, its going up, and Im so used to being 110-115 that Im worried. Its now on average 124-127…Could it be water weight? I dont know, thats alot of weight gained…However I did lose an inch around my waist, and I can see my abs a little bit better.

So Im frusterated but encouraged at the same time, I dont know if I should do more cardio, twice a day, to get my body fat down, or to do less cardio, to gain muscle and burn fat that way.

I wish I had a mentor!