Sore Mind
My body is completely sore, bloated, and quite frankly in shock of how much change I think my diet is going through. Ive been drinking alot more water, I didnt get rid of my iced tea though! Which is bad but a girls gotta have some treats.
Ive been trying to get a workout of sorts in every day- whether its the gym or p90 or todays event trail hiking and waterfall cliff jumping.
My long term boyfriend I think sensed that I was becoming depressed, beyong the norm. My once happy go lucky self has been rather calm and quiet these days - just living- but for no real purpose it seems.
It was a terrific day though, the cliffs are huge, the highest being 50 feet high- of course I did mostly the baby ones, I have a dear of heights. I almost did a 20 footer and was mustering the courage up when more people came to the spot right when I was about to jump- Welll that sort of ended the day- very self concious in a swim suit! I never got dressed so fast haha.
Well it was a nice 5 hour date, subway sandwhiches-water- and a tiny bit of diet soda- not too bad. Again it was awkward saying goodbye- I never like to- and before I left he made sure I was wearing my ring (I take it off in water/shower) its a promise ring of course…a promise that he would get me an ‘engagement ring’.( I got him a really nice one too, Im veryyy proud of it).
As he drove off, as I usually let him go first, I wondered in my head what was going to happen, along with if I was ever going to get a body-builing physique like he has now : (…. I sometimes miss the heavier version of him, he wasnt ever fat to me, but he did have alot of ‘extra’ to him I guess…but I didnt feel ugly or worry so much if I had flub. Now I’m obsessed with being good enough to stand near him. Which to me is sad, i think every woman is beautiful in her own way, but I dont feel even normal in my own skin without make up and my hair being done, and my body being hidden. Its really not healthy I know, which is why I really wanted to keep to the new diet… Its sooo difficult when relationships rule your hormones though.
Im currently looking for my own apartment, Ive been staying with relatives during this time off- and need to I think rebuild ‘me’ or find out who ‘me’ even is.
With these confused blurry thoughts Im going to finish homework and attempt to sleep..I have work tomorrow, I called out today to go out, bad move but alas the heart wants what it wants.
