Clos3r2myDr33ms’s BodyBlog

I enjoy overcoming personal limitations. Things that I thought i’d never do, i’m doing. Goals that I never thought i’d achieve, i’m achieving. I’m also surprising close family members with my transformation on a daily basis, and this gives me a little kick too. I used to be one of the people that shows up to the gym for the first couple weeks of the new year and then gives up on themselves. I used to be one of the people that lost a couple pounds, got scared of experiencing something new, and returned to the familiar.

Every moment of every day I have to think about the decisions i’m making to keep from returning to what used to comfort me. I have to think, before I put something in my mouth "how will this benefit me? is this fuel for my body or am I trying to comfort myself with this?". I’m proud of myself for taking strides in the right direction because there was a time when I thought nothing of tossing back half a bag of dove chocolates. This is also the first time I have worked out in tandem with a diet (excuse me, healthy way of eating). I set out to complete cardio and strength training each day and sometimes that is no easy feat! I continue to do it though, because I love the results. I love feeling strong and in control. In a world where so many things are anything but, I think that we all have to take some time to focus on what we do have a hand in.

Today I bought my first set of weights. I figured I would go with dial-a-weights so that I could get a great deal of use out of one pair. You wouldn’t believe how giddy I was at the register!! The small man behind the counter gasped as he tried to lift them "My, these are heavy!" he said. I just smiled with satisfaction as I picked up each box to place in front of him to scan. Oh, the small joys in life.

I am so glad to have stumbled upon bodybuilding.com and all of you who are a part of bodyspace. I am the only one in my family who is actively pursuing an active, healthy, lifestyle. Although I know i’m not backing down from my goals for anyone, I privately admit that it bothers me that my transformation into the woman I want to be is causing such an uproar among those closest to me. I know that they all mean well and care deeply about my well-being but there comes a point where I have to do things for me and only I know what really makes me happy. Comments such as, "I like you just the way you are," or "You know that it isn’t proven that drinking a gallon of water does anything good for you," or "Don’t turn anorexic! We’ll have to send you to a clinic," get to me every now and again. I laugh in the moment but on the inside I still wonder why they could even verbalize these thoughts. In the past, comments like that would’ve led to an argument immediately but i’m past that. I can’t control how others feel about what i’m doing, nor can I make anyone around me want better for themselves, but I can decide how i’m going to respond to outside influences. I can decide where I want to go, how far i’m going to take this. I can decide the when and the how. I can decide that it’s time for me.

Since I’ve begun this journey into the world of fitness and health; I’ve become increasingly aware of how important it is to make each calorie (or point, in my case) count. For example, i’d much rather have six egg whites than two whole eggs. I’d rather have an extremely large salad, then 3 buffalo wings (speaking of which, who can actually stop at 3?!). This is where my husband and I disagree. I’d much rather have a vast majority of healthy foods in the house and be able to eat my fill, whereas he would rather have foods that are lacking in nutritional value, but eat less of it. He has never had a weight problem. I was reading a book by the title of Secrets of the Former Fat Girl by Lisa Delaney. She highlighted the fact that unlike some people who aren’t obsessed with food and fill their day with other interesting activities, those that are overweight do. And it doesn’t end once you achieve the magical number on the scale, or the perfect bodyweight, or the smallest jean size. Reading this book has made me aware of the fact that this is going to be an issue for the rest of my life. Everyday I have to make a conscious decision to only put into my body what will benefit me…and try to keep the crap consumption to a minimum on those weak times. Sometimes it’s difficult because for so long food has been my comfort. When i’m upset, when something in life happens that I can’t control, when I feel like giving up on myself, food has been there. Now I have to find a new crutch for my daily stresses. As of late, i’ve been taking it out on my stability ball. "I’ll show you world! Take that!" 500 crunches later I feel a little better. I suppose it beats running for the frozen pizza. For those of you that can completely avoid having comfort foods in the house, kudos to you and your family for all adopting a healthy lifestyle. I think that in my home, I may have to take a more gradual approach. Slowly substituting brown for white rice, soy chips for regular ones, flavored waters instead of sugar-laden juices. Rome wasn’t built in a day, right?

I’m not quite sure as to how to begin one of these, but I suppose blogging is an art that one improves on over time…much like fitness. I’ve been reading bodybuilding and fitness magazines since I was in middle school and despite my ever present interest, I’ve never just let go and went after it for myself. I begin working out and watching what I eat, I lose some weight, and then I get to that certain magic number on the scale and I give up on myself. I get fearful and i’m more comfortable being mediocre. Not exceptionally fit, not exceptional fat, just mediocre. I’m about 7 lbs from that magically number and I feel the fear creeping into my conscious already and it’s showing in my food and exercise journal. I had joined Weight Watchers this time around because I felt that paying for the program weekly and being forced to weigh in (instead of my usual binge and then ignore the scale for several weeks attitude) would help with the situation. I suppose we’ll know once I exceed my magic number. I’m ashamed that I’ve done this so many times and I’m more than ready to reach my goals. Can anyone else relate to this? Hitting that psychological brick wall and continuing to try to push past it? I’m beginning to notice quite a difference in how people treat me already. As I get heavier I tend to blend in with the masses, with just a few pounds removed, I get stopped on the street. It shouldn’t be that way!! I know that life isn’t fair and that a stellar personality isn’t going to get you hit on but damn…I know i’d rather be one of the "hot chicks" than a middle of the road kind of girl, it’s just that it hurts because i’m still the same person. If society responds to me differently at 23 lbs, what will life be like at 50? Not knowing the answer scares me and excites me at the same time. I’ll never know until I try.