Clos3r2myDr33ms’s BodyBlog

I had my second meal of the day at 5 in the afternoon and this had a DRAMATIC effect on my energy for todays workout. Now I see why people say not to skip meals lol. I could list a few excuses but I know that honestly, I should have just planned ahead. I bought a pack of EAS bars so that I can throw them in my purse when I know i’ll be out and about for a few hours. I have no problem driving right past fast food restaurants, it’s just that after all that time of not eating I want to come home and either take a nap, or eat enough to make up for meals lost. Neither of which is really an option. Today was a lesson learned.

What keeps you motivated? For me my view of myself and my progress is always shifting between one extreme or another because when i’m ambivalent about it, my progress stalls. Let me explain.

When i’m frustrated with my weightloss and critical of my eating habits, sometimes that can be the push I need to make me clean up my act and get it together with my workouts. It can be that harsh conversation with myself that is the deciding factor between giving that cardio session my all, or skipping it completely…but too much of my own negativity and I begin to feel like, what’s the use? Why even continue when this journey is so difficult?

On the opposite end of the spectrum is the positive side of myself. This is the Brittney that says i’m doing great, looking fabulous, and have come a long way. This is the kind of talk that can also motivate me to continue because i’m seeing changes in the way I feel, look, and behave. Too much of the positivity and I feel that I look so good I might as well have some cake though lol.

How do you strike a balance between having a positive body image while still working to improve yourself? I see people on this site who look amazing and they still manage to give 100% everyday towards improving themselves and one would assume that they feel great about their appearance too. Perhaps i’m wrong and when they look in the mirror they see themselves as "under construction". Everytime I go out shopping and end up purchasing a smaller size it’s a trigger for me. I feel so good about it that I automatically feel like getting a little treat to celebrate. It’s terrible! And as of a couple weeks ago that led to a stall in my progress so now with each pound lost or smaller size I work out extra hard that day to overcompensate for my desire to get something fattening. Isn’t that odd? Perhaps its subconscious self-sabotage. Or it’s that same reflex for a cookie that you learn you should receive when being good as a child. Does anyone else do this?

I enjoy overcoming personal limitations. Things that I thought i’d never do, i’m doing. Goals that I never thought i’d achieve, i’m achieving. I’m also surprising close family members with my transformation on a daily basis, and this gives me a little kick too. I used to be one of the people that shows up to the gym for the first couple weeks of the new year and then gives up on themselves. I used to be one of the people that lost a couple pounds, got scared of experiencing something new, and returned to the familiar.

Every moment of every day I have to think about the decisions i’m making to keep from returning to what used to comfort me. I have to think, before I put something in my mouth "how will this benefit me? is this fuel for my body or am I trying to comfort myself with this?". I’m proud of myself for taking strides in the right direction because there was a time when I thought nothing of tossing back half a bag of dove chocolates. This is also the first time I have worked out in tandem with a diet (excuse me, healthy way of eating). I set out to complete cardio and strength training each day and sometimes that is no easy feat! I continue to do it though, because I love the results. I love feeling strong and in control. In a world where so many things are anything but, I think that we all have to take some time to focus on what we do have a hand in.

Today I bought my first set of weights. I figured I would go with dial-a-weights so that I could get a great deal of use out of one pair. You wouldn’t believe how giddy I was at the register!! The small man behind the counter gasped as he tried to lift them "My, these are heavy!" he said. I just smiled with satisfaction as I picked up each box to place in front of him to scan. Oh, the small joys in life.

I am so glad to have stumbled upon bodybuilding.com and all of you who are a part of bodyspace. I am the only one in my family who is actively pursuing an active, healthy, lifestyle. Although I know i’m not backing down from my goals for anyone, I privately admit that it bothers me that my transformation into the woman I want to be is causing such an uproar among those closest to me. I know that they all mean well and care deeply about my well-being but there comes a point where I have to do things for me and only I know what really makes me happy. Comments such as, "I like you just the way you are," or "You know that it isn’t proven that drinking a gallon of water does anything good for you," or "Don’t turn anorexic! We’ll have to send you to a clinic," get to me every now and again. I laugh in the moment but on the inside I still wonder why they could even verbalize these thoughts. In the past, comments like that would’ve led to an argument immediately but i’m past that. I can’t control how others feel about what i’m doing, nor can I make anyone around me want better for themselves, but I can decide how i’m going to respond to outside influences. I can decide where I want to go, how far i’m going to take this. I can decide the when and the how. I can decide that it’s time for me.

I’m not quite sure as to how to begin one of these, but I suppose blogging is an art that one improves on over time…much like fitness. I’ve been reading bodybuilding and fitness magazines since I was in middle school and despite my ever present interest, I’ve never just let go and went after it for myself. I begin working out and watching what I eat, I lose some weight, and then I get to that certain magic number on the scale and I give up on myself. I get fearful and i’m more comfortable being mediocre. Not exceptionally fit, not exceptional fat, just mediocre. I’m about 7 lbs from that magically number and I feel the fear creeping into my conscious already and it’s showing in my food and exercise journal. I had joined Weight Watchers this time around because I felt that paying for the program weekly and being forced to weigh in (instead of my usual binge and then ignore the scale for several weeks attitude) would help with the situation. I suppose we’ll know once I exceed my magic number. I’m ashamed that I’ve done this so many times and I’m more than ready to reach my goals. Can anyone else relate to this? Hitting that psychological brick wall and continuing to try to push past it? I’m beginning to notice quite a difference in how people treat me already. As I get heavier I tend to blend in with the masses, with just a few pounds removed, I get stopped on the street. It shouldn’t be that way!! I know that life isn’t fair and that a stellar personality isn’t going to get you hit on but damn…I know i’d rather be one of the "hot chicks" than a middle of the road kind of girl, it’s just that it hurts because i’m still the same person. If society responds to me differently at 23 lbs, what will life be like at 50? Not knowing the answer scares me and excites me at the same time. I’ll never know until I try.